Unmotivated Partner

[damanyo]

Sup Peeps,

 

I need help. Simple as that. My girlfriend and I have been together for 6 years in a pretty much long distance relationship. During the first 4 years, I would say that we pretty much coasted in weekend visits (she's in NJ, I'm in NY) and never thought much about the future. For ourselves or for each other. But after what can only be called an epiphany after our 4th year, I've discovered what I wanted to do with my life. The only thing is, she hasn't.

 

I ask her time and again what she wants to do. She says "I don't know." I tell her it's fine not knowing but it's important to at least search for what you want. And if you find something you don't want, at least you know what you don't want. But she hasn't gone on the search. This has been going on since 2013.

 

Here's the kicker: Last week she said that on Monday she would go check out some schools in the city to enroll and start a new path. I was proud of her finally taking that step. A day after she told me this, she texted me if she wanted to go out on a morning date that same Monday. I told her, didn't she have an appointment at the school? She said yea, but she changed the date. I replied with a simple 'Why?' Her response "I don't have anything to say other than because I can and because I did."

 

That **** hurt. All in all, she's a nice person (though that last text was bitchy) I don't know what to do. I'm getting older and our relationship is stagnant. I try to gently push her and she gets ultra defensive. I know it's her fear that's making her do this.

 

Am I a coward if I stop supporting her or am I scared myself of starting over. Decisions, decisions

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you have outgrown the relationship. May I ask how old you both are? And does she currently work?

 

The bottom line is that you can't make her decide what she wants to do. It sounds like you've encouraged her, and now perhaps she feels you're being insistent. So she's pushing back. She might not feel the need to go to school; not everyone does. Some are content to work in a job that isn't a career per se, but earns money and that is enough for them. Is that the case for her, do you think? It seems that your long-term goals might not line up.

[Siquijor]

If she works and supports herself I don't see it being much of a problem but that's just my opinion. However, if you're really unhappy with the situation perhaps its best to go your separate ways and instead look for someone equally as ambitious as you.

[rocketman122]

Sup Peeps,

 

I need help. Simple as that. My girlfriend and I have been together for 6 years in a pretty much long distance relationship. During the first 4 years, I would say that we pretty much coasted in weekend visits (she's in NJ, I'm in NY) and never thought much about the future. For ourselves or for each other. But after what can only be called an epiphany after our 4th year, I've discovered what I wanted to do with my life. The only thing is, she hasn't.

 

I ask her time and again what she wants to do. She says "I don't know." I tell her it's fine not knowing but it's important to at least search for what you want. And if you find something you don't want, at least you know what you don't want. But she hasn't gone on the search. This has been going on since 2013.

 

Here's the kicker: Last week she said that on Monday she would go check out some schools in the city to enroll and start a new path. I was proud of her finally taking that step. A day after she told me this, she texted me if she wanted to go out on a morning date that same Monday. I told her, didn't she have an appointment at the school? She said yea, but she changed the date. I replied with a simple 'Why?' Her response "I don't have anything to say other than because I can and because I did."

 

That **** hurt. All in all, she's a nice person (though that last text was bitchy) I don't know what to do. I'm getting older and our relationship is stagnant. I try to gently push her and she gets ultra defensive. I know it's her fear that's making her do this.

 

Am I a coward if I stop supporting her or am I scared myself of starting over. Decisions, decisions

 

you had an epiphany after the 4th year so you expect her to have that drive like you. she will come around when shes ready. reminds me of the smoker who stops smoking and all of sudden hates smokers and smoking and thinks its disgusting.

[damanyo]

I think you have outgrown the relationship. May I ask how old you both are? And does she currently work?

 

She is 32, I'm 29. We don't live with each other. She currently doesn't work and has been collecting unemployment for the past few weeks. I recently quit my job to write full time, and we all know how lucrative writing is. Money isn't an issue tho. Just want her to pursue something.

 

She wants results while putting in the least effort. That's who she is as a person.

 

Thanks for the replies guys. I do appreciate it.

Edited September 19, 2015 by damanyo
Additional info

[Siquijor]

 

She wants results while putting in the least effort. That's who she is as a person.

 

 

Not an encouraging sign and that would annoy me too. But saying that, you can't dictate what she does with her life and I know you're only trying to help. Maybe you need to accept that you've outgrown each other and move on.

[Maggie4]

Let's assume she's not lazy and she' just in a rut and feeling scared. I'd try to encourage her some more, talk to her what she would like to study. If she wants to be a homemaker, be a good mother and cook good meals, I think that'd be great too.

Maybe it's your attitude. Make sure you are not being too pushy or judgemental. Give her the benefit of the doubt, maybe there was a good reason for changing the date of her school visit. She's upset because you reacted like she doesn't know what she's doing.

[Keenly]

Stop being pushy because it sounds like you are trying to be her father and not her boyfriend.

[damanyo]

Let's assume she's not lazy and she' just in a rut and feeling scared. I'd try to encourage her some more, talk to her what she would like to study. If she wants to be a homemaker, be a good mother and cook good meals, I think that'd be great too.

Maybe it's your attitude. Make sure you are not being too pushy or judgemental. Give her the benefit of the doubt, maybe there was a good reason for changing the date of her school visit. She's upset because you reacted like she doesn't know what she's doing.

 

This is more of a character trait than a rut, IMO. If she wanted to be a housewife, that'd be great. At least she's expressing what she wants.

 

It's possible that it's my attitude. Admittedly, I'm abrasive but not discouraging, I'm conscious of that.

 

The reason she changed the school date was because she wanted to go to the park and relax instead. She says she can go to the school "at any time." (Going to school was her idea. She gave herself that option)