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Girlfriend is depressed


saladfingers

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Long post alert.

 

(We'll call her G) and I started dating about 3 months ago, and things were pretty great for the first month. Hit it off great. Lots of lovey texts, facebook messages, cards in the mail, etc. It was not uncommon for me to wake up to a barrage of texts (maybe half a dozen), and half a dozen facebook messages with cute and romantic images to boot. I *loved* it. LOVED IT.Loved the attention, affection, and the promise that we'd be together in the same city soon (we live 7 hours apart). Things were ramping up fast. Everything was good - communication, levity, sex, romance, and gestures. She bought me a $200 gift on my birthday and took me out for beers (two things my ex wife would have NEVER done). On top of that we went shooting and cleaned guns together (MAJOR guy points). I could have proposed to her at that point for all I cared. (The only red flag even remotely see-able was on our 2nd date when we went to eat she bitched at the waitstaff pretty hard for waiting 5 minutes. It was an eye opener...:-/)

 

After that awesome and exciting first month, she came down with a fever and an unknown illness that made her very tired while I was down there. We planned some big things for the visit that ultimately had to be canceled. I was sad, but not really upset. What upset me was even while we stayed home, she didn't want to be touched, and just wanted to sleep. She slept 3 out of the 4 days I was there, alone, and on the day I was going to leave, she was going to turtle under the covers and sleep again, with no consideration of my impending departure. I said "can you stay awake for an hour with me at least?", and she didn't. So I got my stuff together, got ready to leave as she woke up from noise, and said "are you leaving?" And I said "since you are not feeling well, I'm just going to let you sleep and see you next time." She put on a sad face and said "I'm sorry, come here" and hugged me, and said "stay a little longer, I promise to stay awake." We talked for ten minutes before she nodded off again and I tapped her, we both nodded and I left on a good note.

 

She was distant after that - texts and Facebook messages were half hearted, and she wouldn't tell me what was wrong.

 

I had to figure out on my own (since she refused to tell me despite our promise to each other we would communicate) that she didn't FEEL supported while she was sick EVEN THOUGH 3 out of those 4 days, I tended to her and brought her things from the store. It was that fourth day that I cracked, and basically it was "all my fault".

 

We talked it over, she seemed fine, until another speed bump. I met her dad for the first time and he threatened me if I hurt her. Nice guy. Naturally I took a couple steps back. It made me rethink things and while I was worried about dating a girl whose father threatened me, she really didn't support me and basically I could "deal with it or not". She was also angry that I was upset and once again, silent/distant treatment began. I decided i didn't give a f**k and stayed with her.

 

Next time I was down everything was fabulous until I tried to show her something on my phone while we were in bed, she was just waking up and screamed at me "I don't give a F**K!!!" and rolled over. I was really hurt by this, got up, and packed my go bag to go home (it was my last day there). We had a talk about it but she wasn't real sincere and blamed the job for her being crabby, not taking responsibility for her own mouth. I still left, somewhat mad. She apologized through text later and we were cool...until later the next day. Distance time again. Apparently things don't hit her until later and then she gets distant and cold, and won't share her thoughts with me. She says it's because "she wants to develop them into full coherent thoughts instead of just emotions". Well okay, whatever.

 

 

Part two :

 

When she comes to visit me, many times she sleeps all day and doesn't show much enthusiasm to do things. I understand her body's clock because she works overnights, but she has days off and after the first catch up day (15 hours of sleep) she should be back on schedule. But no. To me, wouldn't she make an effort to spend time with me? This pisses me off because we are not spending quality time together. When I bring this up that I feel I'm putting more into the relationship than she is, she gets pissed and won't talk to me. This can last for days. I'm a worrier so this has caused me undue trips to the doctor thinking I've been having a heart attack. Turns out it's just massive anxiety and hand-wringing worry.

 

I play it cool most of the time with her by not bringing EVERYTHING up that bothers me (that's what long walks and friends are for) but sometimes I can't take it. When my BS meter gets full...when she has distanced me long enough...When I show affection and it doesn't get returned, and I'm expecting her to drop a "break up BOMB" since she won't communicate with me - I HAVE to bring it up. My body is in physical pain. I get sick.

 

Giving her Space is not the issue - if she would say "I love you but I need space" that would help, and I've told her that, but does she reciprocate? NO. So that shows me that she does not care about my relationship needs OR my love languages.

 

Phone conversations give me peace. I like hearing her voice. She dislikes phone conversations though she's complimented me on being good to talk to. But three months in i shouldn't be biting my fingernails wondering if I'm bothering her. Sometimes she picks up with the tone of voice that says "what do you want" or "what's the point of this call". I *hate* it.

 

We have been up and down with this bull**** of silence/distance on her part. Just because I did something wrong or I asked her to reciprocate love to me because when she doesn't, it bothers me.

 

If I'm doing something wrong, I change it immediately. When for instance I ask her to be more enthusiastic or appreciative of gifts or cards, she says "but that's not really me." Stab. To. The. Heart.

Thus, my ideology "I care more about us than you."

 

Part 3 :

 

So you ask why I'm still with her. I think there's a chance. She had a talk with me telling me she'd appreciate me not checking facebook before responding to her texts. I said enthusiastically without question, "okay, I won't. But - you have to do the same." She got quiet and I thought she hung up. I said "deal?" She said "we are talking about you, not me." I said "but fair is fair, right" "Right. But now I don't feel I can share anything because you'll turn it right back around on me." And on and on we went. So obviously, I knew there was gonna be a backlash. I was right. Distance. And the dreaded, "I'm writing you an email". Three days later, no email. Sparse communication. She won't tell me what it is or what it's about or if she's even going to send it. Finally after a phone conversation, she says "check your email."

 

Apparently she's really depressed and messed up still from her very recent divorce. Yeah yeah her husband was a scum bag and stole her credit cards and shot up heroin, but she still misses him in some ways. She says she wasn't planning on dating seriously until she met me. She didn't want to lose me or let me pass her by. But, she says I push too hard...for conversation, to make her talk, share her feelings, and make her feel guilty for not being a good girlfriend. Says she knows she's not trying hard enough, but she can't at this point because she's emotionally empty. And she doesn't know what she should do about that - or what *I* should do about that.

 

It explained a lot of things. Before, when she's sent me long texts/emails/whatever, I simply thanked her for sharing and opening up. Apparently that pisses her off too and earns some distance points. "What do you have to say about it? Do you have any Input?" Me : "I don't know, I guess it just ties things together - I'm just happy you shared this with me...thank you?"

 

I decided not to come visit her this week - because of a psych appointment. He says I need to learn her behaviors and understand her as everyone's different. I'm planning on moving down there in the next two months (I know, don't beat me with a stick) to try it in person since our phone and text conversation sucks so much. I'd rather us be able to hug or me squeeze her hand than pace around the room wondering why she's mad.

 

Today she sends me a sext/text saying she's coming down "maybe". I knew why she said it. It's something from yesterday probably because I didn't text her good night (I fell asleep), and I facebook'ed before I texted her. BUT - She's been pulling the same garbage. Active 1m ago. Text hasn't been answered for three hours. That's crap.

 

This is where I stop caring. I called her and said, "what's this about?" She said "I dunno." I said in a more firm, parenting voice, "well, if you are choosing to not come up, just know you won't see me for another couple weeks. Next time I'm scheduled to be down is roughly 13 days. I don't care if you need space, but I need to know so I can plan my weekend accordingly."

 

"Wwwell, well...um, yeah I was just saying that because you didn't text me this morning."

 

"Oh. Really. So I can expect you up when?"

 

"Saturday night."

 

"Okay, I'll plan on you coming this weekend."

 

"Okay. Love you, bye."

 

And so her **** was called. I hate being a dick but I think that's what's needed. If you've gotten this far, thank you by the way. But what are your opinions? Input?

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How old are you guys????

 

There is depression here...what's the source...I don't know.....this is where she should be seeing some sort of counselor.

 

My ex eould have moments like this...though not as long. She would refer to it as being the antisocial hermit.

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Listen dude,

 

Sorry to rain on your parade. The little things in a relationship matter. if you openly and honestly express that something bothers you, a real partner owns up to it. Even if it takes them months to really fix it, you have to begin with at least acknowledging it.

 

It sounds like you put way more effort and feeling into this than her. I could be wrong - I'm just reading what you wrote. You seemed to be writing very detached and with a cool head so it doesn't sound like too much of a one sided argument.

 

You took care of her, you seemed to treat her well. Listen - there are givers takers in this world and when the two get into a relationship, it only works if they can both learn how to give and take appropriately. I'm not going to belittle someone I've never met. But you've clearly identified things that bother you and she doesn't seem to care and quite frankly MAY BE spoiled, entitled, and/or just used to so much attention that she doesn't understand how a real, healthy relationship works. Been there & done that myself before. I'd say just keep calling her on her crap and just do what you want to do - she'll respond accordingly.

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