Jump to content

I think I have a fear of intimacy- how do I address this?


Daisy-oliviaWentcher

Recommended Posts

Daisy-oliviaWentcher

I have only had one serious relationship. However, the experience now looks like child's play or "playing mommies and daddies" because I was 18-20 ever since I have had the relationship and been single ever since. My ex said to me a long time ago " why do we have to talk about feelings? I don't want to talk about our relationship or feelings" I translated that as being " men don't like to talk about feelings, it is best not to communicate feelings to a man" Since then, I have made amends in some way to the man who hurt me and abused me all those years ago. Although we are not besties, we have both agreed that we were just kids not really knowing how to handle each other's feelings. However, I have had only a handful of sexual partners since and I don't think I have ever been really vulnerable with a man as to really talk about my heart and the things that are in it. I read in some articles online that men are attracted to woman being intimate, but instead I have this dark fear that if I talk about my heart to man, he will reject me, hurt me and leave me. I did date someone for four months last year and a little bit this year but I don't know if it was a relationship? certainly the closest thing I have ever experienced so I can label them as boyfriends to perhaps make me feel better lol... but again really, really, really opening up is something I feel I cannot do, something is restricting me to do so. Guys love a freedom in a woman to be herself and to be who she is, but sometimes I attract men who are not good for me, who are lonely or controlling or desperate and I figure there is something in me that is attracting the type of men I don't want and none of the men I do all because I am not being fully alive and fearing the unknown... can someone help me out? I'm feeling a little lost.

 

xo Daisy

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm not a counselor..but I'll be staying at a holiday inn express tomorrow night...:)

 

Guys will talk about their feelings yo a point. Sharing feelings is part of a good relationship.

 

If you can't open up and share your feelings you will never get married.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I have only had one serious relationship. However, the experience now looks like child's play or "playing mommies and daddies" because I was 18-20 ever since I have had the relationship and been single ever since. My ex said to me a long time ago " why do we have to talk about feelings? I don't want to talk about our relationship or feelings" I translated that as being " men don't like to talk about feelings, it is best not to communicate feelings to a man" Since then, I have made amends in some way to the man who hurt me and abused me all those years ago. Although we are not besties, we have both agreed that we were just kids not really knowing how to handle each other's feelings. However, I have had only a handful of sexual partners since and I don't think I have ever been really vulnerable with a man as to really talk about my heart and the things that are in it. I read in some articles online that men are attracted to woman being intimate, but instead I have this dark fear that if I talk about my heart to man, he will reject me, hurt me and leave me. I did date someone for four months last year and a little bit this year but I don't know if it was a relationship? certainly the closest thing I have ever experienced so I can label them as boyfriends to perhaps make me feel better lol... but again really, really, really opening up is something I feel I cannot do, something is restricting me to do so. Guys love a freedom in a woman to be herself and to be who she is, but sometimes I attract men who are not good for me, who are lonely or controlling or desperate and I figure there is something in me that is attracting the type of men I don't want and none of the men I do all because I am not being fully alive and fearing the unknown... can someone help me out? I'm feeling a little lost.

 

xo Daisy

 

he will reject me, hurt me and leave me. I did date someone for four months last year and a little bit this year but I don't know if it was a relationship -- On the surface, this kind of internal negative thinking does indicate Fear of Intimacy -- for people with a true fear of intimacy that is spelled Into Me See. Without knowing more about your childhood history though I wouldn't label this situation with you as FIS yet. FIS is rooted in poor childhood attachments/trauma.

 

I have made amends in some way to the man who hurt me and abused me all those years ago. -- I am confused by this statement. Who are you referring to here -- the guy who told you he didn't want to talk about feelings or someone else. And what type of abuse are you referring to?

Link to post
Share on other sites
milwaukeeguy53214

Communication is key to any type of relationship but especially a romantic one. You may not have the "experience" other may have on this site but that doesn't matter. What matters here how well you communicate your feelings. How often. At forty-seven I am still learning. That's the thing about relationships and love it is a never ending learning curve. Since everyone is different. Not being able to communicate was reason for my failed relationships in the past. Also, good follow through is important, meaning always mean what you say and execute. May sound "clinical" but in my experience it is a deciding factor in regards to building trust. My girlfriend and I talk all the time. It lets each other know where one's head is at and where the relationship stands. It's constant work but that is how it is in relationships. If you feel it is worth it then communicate. It will lead to intimacy, trust and a deeper commitment.

 

You will have to trust yourself to be vulnerable. Relationships are wonderfully "painful". Falling in love is a risk. Risk of being hurt, rejected and vulnerable. All those things can put a little fear into anyone and rightfully so. But that's love and relationships. Trust is very important. More than being sexual in my opinion. If you open yourself up and communicate how you feel that will lead into trust. More trust more intimacy.

 

You say you attract a certain type of man, well maybe you do to some level. People can be intuitive and instinctive. They maybe able to sense or pick up your attitude simply by body language or how you speak to them. "I attract men who are not good for me, who are lonely or controlling or desperate". You want to attract a man who is strong and confident then you may want to be that kind of person. Ask yourself, why do I attract these types of men? Why do I pursue relations with these types? It may not be the men you are particularly attracting who have the attitude as you stated but it may be because it may be what they see, what you may be projecting. They may see a woman not too confident, not too sure of herself. Now they will have an easy prey, target. You do not want that.

 

I think that you may be on the right track in that you recognize these patterns of behavior not just in your relationships but in yourself.

 

Please update us on how you're doing.

Edited by milwaukeeguy53214
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Daisy-oliviaWentcher
he will reject me, hurt me and leave me. I did date someone for four months last year and a little bit this year but I don't know if it was a relationship -- On the surface, this kind of internal negative thinking does indicate Fear of Intimacy -- for people with a true fear of intimacy that is spelled Into Me See. Without knowing more about your childhood history though I wouldn't label this situation with you as FIS yet. FIS is rooted in poor childhood attachments/trauma.

 

I have made amends in some way to the man who hurt me and abused me all those years ago. -- I am confused by this statement. Who are you referring to here -- the guy who told you he didn't want to talk about feelings or someone else. And what type of abuse are you referring to?

 

It was physical at one point, but it was mostly verbal. He use to put me down a lot. I felt like I could not be the person he wanted to be, no matter how hard I tried to be accommodating. He has apologized since for being selfish ( although I doubt he remembers the abuse) and he said that because we were both kids that perhaps we couldn't handle each others feelings. Which I thought was ironic because he did not want to express his or allow me to express mine. I have fully forgiven him though. We are antiquates more like but not friends and that's possibly on some level exactly the way it should be. However, 12 years later, I still have this unnecessary resiliency to open up and be vulnerable with a guy just in case I burden them with any emotion that they may not be able to handle.

 

As a childhood, it was mostly happy although I was bullied exclusively by young boys mainly while I was a young girl and my father had a wrath and a temper that made me tremble in fear. He is a lot more temperate these days as he embarks into his 70's and has grandchildren but I find there is a level of disconnect in me, where I do not share "emotions" and keep things "above board and surface level" when talking to him as "sharing emotions" doesn't seem to be the norm.

 

maybe that has something to do with it?

Link to post
Share on other sites
he will reject me, hurt me and leave me. I did date someone for four months last year and a little bit this year but I don't know if it was a relationship -- On the surface, this kind of internal negative thinking does indicate Fear of Intimacy -- for people with a true fear of intimacy that is spelled Into Me See. Without knowing more about your childhood history though I wouldn't label this situation with you as FIS yet. FIS is rooted in poor childhood attachments/trauma.

 

I have made amends in some way to the man who hurt me and abused me all those years ago. -- I am confused by this statement. Who are you referring to here -- the guy who told you he didn't want to talk about feelings or someone else. And what type of abuse are you referring to?

 

Hey RH - probably a dumb question but what does FIS stand for? You've been using that acronym a lot, and I can't find anywhere what it stands for.

 

 

I know it has something to do with Fear of Intimacy - but would think the acronym for that would be FOI. :)

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Daisy,

 

It is so understandable since you experienced both abuse and rejection that you are having trouble with intimacy and trust. I want you to know this is normal for someone who has been through what you have. You have identified your issues very well. Do you think this might be a great time to go to some counseling to help you? I know from personal experience that if you find a good counselor they can really help you to learn to trust again and to heal from past hurts. Even though you have made amends – which I highly commend you for doing – you may have some trauma issues deeper that you have not considered. This might be why you find yourself attracted to men who in your words “are not good for me”. Have you ever tried counseling?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Daisy-oliviaWentcher
Hi Daisy,

 

It is so understandable since you experienced both abuse and rejection that you are having trouble with intimacy and trust. I want you to know this is normal for someone who has been through what you have. You have identified your issues very well. Do you think this might be a great time to go to some counseling to help you? I know from personal experience that if you find a good counselor they can really help you to learn to trust again and to heal from past hurts. Even though you have made amends – which I highly commend you for doing – you may have some trauma issues deeper that you have not considered. This might be why you find yourself attracted to men who in your words “are not good for me”. Have you ever tried counseling?

 

What is the pure definition of "trauma" these days? can it be traumatic to simply experience rejection over and over? I thought over time I could probably manage rejection quite effectively without experiencing the catastrophic effects of it...or perhaps I have already resolved somewhere in my physce that rejection is likely anyway when dealing with men. Thank you for your sweet message btw, and yes, I have had a counselor, some of these issues start off very surface, and every time we go deeper we uncover new ground and usually deeper issues. I haven't booked an appointment for some time but I understand that I should. Overall, it feels like this level of disconnect. It's like "computer says no" and I cannot quite make the connection. When a man has been really keen on me, I shrivel like a withered plant that has had too much water or something or exposed to too much sunlight. I simply cannot handle his interest. And I wonder why I feel this way even if I do not want to feel this way. The attention leaves me uncomfortable and i question their feelings for me even if it is not verbal.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Hey RH - probably a dumb question but what does FIS stand for? You've been using that acronym a lot, and I can't find anywhere what it stands for.

 

 

I know it has something to do with Fear of Intimacy - but would think the acronym for that would be FOI. :)

 

Fear of Intimacy Syndrome and FOI are used interchangeably. FOI/FIS is more common than people realize and it has been coming up often lately. I use FIS though when it's not clear that the person has a fear of intimacy rooted in childhood. Some people do develop fear of intimacy as a result of a bad relationship if the relationship was early in adulthood. True fear of intimacy really develops in childhood. I usually use syndrome if it happens in adulthood because the issue resembles fear of intimacy but without previous childhood trauma. But it's kinda of a habit now too :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
It was physical at one point, but it was mostly verbal. He use to put me down a lot. I felt like I could not be the person he wanted to be, no matter how hard I tried to be accommodating. He has apologized since for being selfish ( although I doubt he remembers the abuse) and he said that because we were both kids that perhaps we couldn't handle each others feelings. Which I thought was ironic because he did not want to express his or allow me to express mine. I have fully forgiven him though. We are antiquates more like but not friends and that's possibly on some level exactly the way it should be. However, 12 years later, I still have this unnecessary resiliency to open up and be vulnerable with a guy just in case I burden them with any emotion that they may not be able to handle.

 

As a childhood, it was mostly happy although I was bullied exclusively by young boys mainly while I was a young girl and my father had a wrath and a temper that made me tremble in fear. He is a lot more temperate these days as he embarks into his 70's and has grandchildren but I find there is a level of disconnect in me, where I do not share "emotions" and keep things "above board and surface level" when talking to him as "sharing emotions" doesn't seem to be the norm.

 

maybe that has something to do with it?

 

my father had a wrath and a temper that made me tremble in fear. -- You bet it has something to do with it. Having a parent with whom it was difficult to feel close to causes a child to feel disconnected and to feel unloved and develop a negative view of themselves -- poor self-esteem. It's that negative self-esteem that causes people to fear rejection and/or have their own negative self view validated in some way.

 

I do not share "emotions" and keep things "above board and surface level" when talking to him as "sharing emotions" doesn't seem to be the norm -- absolutely. Since you've been doing this as a child it it now a habit more or less. And, why would you share deeply with him when he has dismissed your feelings and emotions all those years? The problem is that now, history has repeated itself in yet another relationship.

 

in case I burden them with any emotion that they may not be able to handle -- you are projecting on to them the experience you had with your father. The fear that they will respond negatively or insensitively to revealing your feelings. You try to manage their emotions/responses as a way of protecting yourself from criticism, anger, disrespect, etc.

 

People with FOI/FIS often find themselves with partners who resemble in attitude/views/treatment that they experienced in the past. Simply because that's what they are used to and think they deserve. You two were both very young. I don't know your boyfriend's childhood history, but given your description of his behavior, I'd say you both has some childhood stuff that was carried into the relationship.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Daisy, now that I've said all that, if this is indeed the case for you, I suggest not going into the "blame" mode towards your father. You have to keep in mind that there is no handbook for parents. And, the possibility exists that your father experienced somethings that were not healthy for his emotional development as well. It's important not to blame because that takes the "responsibility" off of you as an adult. It was not your fault what happened to you as a child and caused this in you. It does, however, become your responsibility once you discover and acknowledge the situation for yourself. In other words, your father cannot fix things for you. You need to do that for yourself. Take "yourself" back. You have the "control" now and that sense of empowerment should be the source for addressing your "issues" and moving forward with your life.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...

"What is the pure definition of "trauma" these days? can it be traumatic to simply experience rejection over and over? I thought over time I could probably manage rejection quite effectively without experiencing the catastrophic effects of it...or perhaps I have already resolved somewhere in my physce that rejection is likely anyway when dealing with men. Thank you for your sweet message btw, and yes, I have had a counselor, some of these issues start off very surface, and every time we go deeper we uncover new ground and usually deeper issues. I haven't booked an appointment for some time but I understand that I should. Overall, it feels like this level of disconnect. It's like "computer says no" and I cannot quite make the connection. When a man has been really keen on me, I shrivel like a withered plant that has had too much water or something or exposed to too much sunlight. I simply cannot handle his interest. And I wonder why I feel this way even if I do not want to feel this way. The attention leaves me uncomfortable and i question their feelings for me even if it is not verbal.”

 

Hi Daisy,

 

So it has taken me a week to get back. I have been real busy with life. So you asked an important question “What is the definition of trauma?”

 

And oh, how hard that can be to define! I think you describe it quite well. It can be so many things, but yes, it can be from repeated rejection. Like you said it sometimes programs us to make us feel like it is what will keep happening so we avoid situations/relationships that might cause it. I love your analogy to the plant. But sometimes it can be our natural protective instincts that help us to avoid a relationship that might not be healthy, so I do agree with you that seeing a counselor again might be just the thing you need to do to figure out why you feel this way. We can get non-verbal cues from a person that communicates loudly so it doesn’t necessarily need to be verbal.

Link to post
Share on other sites
"What is the pure definition of "trauma" these days? can it be traumatic to simply experience rejection over and over? I thought over time I could probably manage rejection quite effectively without experiencing the catastrophic effects of it...or perhaps I have already resolved somewhere in my physce that rejection is likely anyway when dealing with men. Thank you for your sweet message btw, and yes, I have had a counselor, some of these issues start off very surface, and every time we go deeper we uncover new ground and usually deeper issues. I haven't booked an appointment for some time but I understand that I should. Overall, it feels like this level of disconnect. It's like "computer says no" and I cannot quite make the connection. When a man has been really keen on me, I shrivel like a withered plant that has had too much water or something or exposed to too much sunlight. I simply cannot handle his interest. And I wonder why I feel this way even if I do not want to feel this way. The attention leaves me uncomfortable and i question their feelings for me even if it is not verbal.”

 

Hi Daisy,

 

So it has taken me a week to get back. I have been real busy with life. So you asked an important question “What is the definition of trauma?”

 

And oh, how hard that can be to define! I think you describe it quite well. It can be so many things, but yes, it can be from repeated rejection. Like you said it sometimes programs us to make us feel like it is what will keep happening so we avoid situations/relationships that might cause it. I love your analogy to the plant. But sometimes it can be our natural protective instincts that help us to avoid a relationship that might not be healthy, so I do agree with you that seeing a counselor again might be just the thing you need to do to figure out why you feel this way. We can get non-verbal cues from a person that communicates loudly so it doesn’t necessarily need to be verbal.

 

Emotional trauma is really anything that affects a person so deeply as to alter/inhibit their ability to deal with things or something without undue stress, behavioral affects and/or unconscious reaction to a current issue by "reliving" a past experience(s) in the present.

 

While frequent rejections are disheartening and can cause "trauma", the extreme affect that a person may suffer as a result of those, isn't really the result of the rejections per se. There is usually another underlying cause that makes the person suffer from those rejections so deeply.

 

If a person is otherwise emotionally healthy, multiple rejections are taken with a "grain of salt" and move on more quickly. A person who already has weak self esteem will be affected more deeply as more rejections happen over time. It just gets compounded.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...