A year in but something's missing

[Username76]

So, heres my dilemma. I have one of the most kind hearted and beautiful women in the world falling at my feet. Its not hard to see how much she clearly loves me and how much I mean to her. Im her world. To most people this would sound like a dream, an intelligent, outgoing, loyal, caring, beautiful girlfriend who loves you unconditionally, right?

This is my problem, I love all of her traits and I love her as a person. She picks me up when I'm down and always knows the right thing to say. We rarely argue and she never does anything wrong .

However, the problem is that for me something is missing, I don't know what it is, its just something. I find myself stuck in a wilderness of emotion. I keep looking at all of her qualities and she epitomises the perfect partner, but the fact remains something is missing. If I was to end the relationship I feel like I would ruin this girls life, the girl who has stood by me through everything, this girl who loves me more than anything. I cant stand there and see this girl who means so much to me cry, this girl who has tried at everything to please me. I feel cruel for even considering putting her through that.

If I continue in this relationship I equally feel cruel because I know it wont last forever no matter how much I try to convince myself otherwise, because theres something missing. The longer I drag this out the worst it will become and the harder it will be for the both of us. Ive had some of the most incredible times in my life with her and she's my best friend. Thinking of being without her hurts. AHHHHHH what the hell am I supposed to do? I have a healthy mature relationship with an amazing girl, something people spend years trying to find. Im scared, scared of being without her but this isn't going to go away. I feel like I've betrayed her. Im sitting here crying as a write this because I know what the right thing to do is but I cant find it within myself to pluck up the courage and tell her how I feel. Simply because I cant explain it, I love her, I really do but I'm not sure in what respect I love her. I cant leave this girl without a justifiable explanation. I cant tell her “somethings missing” without knowing what that is, she will blame herself, I know she will, but theres nothing she can do to change it.

Im happy but that spark is missing, WHAT SHOULD I DO?

[fitnessfan365]

As men, we tend to feel something is "off" if passion is lacking. That feeling of needing to tear her clothes off b/c you just can't get enough.

 

So be honest, are you feeling bored w/things in the bedroom? I ask b/c you didn't mention anything about your sex life w/her. As if everything else was an attempt to skate around it. Now obviously sex isn't everything. But sometimes it's very hard to be passionate and uninhibited w/a woman that's so sweet and caring. It's easy to get bored b/c she doesn't have that feisty spice that pushes your buttons. It's exactly what a lot of women go through when they meet "such a nice guy". They want to be attracted to him b/c he's so wonderful on paper. But deep down, she just doesn't feel that longing for him.

 

I think why this might be tearing you up so much deep down is b/c a woman you care about so deeply can't ultimately satisfy you.

Edited September 18, 2015 by fitnessfan365

[BlueBlood]

Sounds like she all but kisses the ground you walk on, her devotion sounds smothering and like it is creating a feeling of being trapped in a gilded cage of her brand of love. You sound like you have cabin fever of a sort, only much worse and far deeper.

 

Feeling like someone's whole world sounds really uncomfortable and pressure filled; like something best left to fluff romances like the Twilight books. Maybe I'm off base but you sound like you need a breath of fresh air, a person that's your equal, not one that sets you on a pedestal as her trophy and idol?

[jam.over.jelly]

Wow!

Everything that I read. THAT was my story with my most recent ex boyfriend. He eventually broke up with me, and I'm telling you, I am thankful for that decision he made. He felt the exact same thing about me as you feel about your gf. He told me he probably would never find someone else as beautiful, amazing, and kind hearted as I am, yet he felt like something was missing. He thought something was wrong with him, he asked himself how it was possible that he wasn't in love with someone like me, the way I deserve to be loved. It broke my heart when he left. But time healed everything, and I realized he had done me a huge favor, because if he didn't break up with me, I never would have met someone else, someone that will be crazy about me, someone that will speak of me with sparkle in their eyes, someone that will be madly in love with me, someone that will feel "whole" when they're with me.

 

I remember my relationship with him was nice. We rarely argued, we were happy, he made me feel secure, safe. He said he was happy with me too. But it was a straight line, there was no euphoria; everytime we were together it was just nice.

 

Then he broke up with me. He said there was no spark. He said he tried his best and was hoping that as time went by he could grow into loving me, but he couldn't do it to me any longer. He loved me, just wasn't in love with me.

 

Then I met a guy, who has shown me that I should be with someone like him. When I'm around him, sparks are everywhere. I get butterflies, I become giggly, and I gotta say, one of the best times I have had, is with him. If I were still with my ex, I never would have the chance to meet this guy.

 

I won't tell you what to do, but ask yourself, how much longer do you want to keep this from her knowing that eventually you will leave her? You have that void in your relationship that you can't quite grasp what it is. Just because someone is a wonderful person doesn't mean you have to be with them romantically. You will do her a big favor by being honest with her and let her go, so that she will have that chance of meeting her person.

Edited September 18, 2015 by jam.over.jelly

[Eighty_nine]

I can tell you what's missing. Men ultimately want a woman who demands independence, respect, who knows what SHE wants and asks for it, who does not compromise her own needs to make a man happy. Lots of women are of the misconception that bending over backwards for men will make them stay, when its the opposite. Men subconsciously (or consciously) want a strong woman. I think it's much sexier.

[jam.over.jelly]

I can tell you what's missing. Men ultimately want a woman who demands independence, respect, who knows what SHE wants and asks for it, who does not compromise her own needs to make a man happy. Lots of women are of the misconception that bending over backwards for men will make them stay, when its the opposite. Men subconsciously (or consciously) want a strong woman. I think it's much sexier.

 

I agree. However, I never found myself bending over backwards for my ex. I had my own opinion about things, I stood my ground, I kept him in check (so he said)., etc. Yet he said he didn't feel the spark. So ^ could be it, or it could be the lack of chemistry, spark, so to speak.

[fitnessfan365]

I think it's much sexier.

 

It's interesting that you claim to know what men want, but then say it's sexier to you. Aren't you really just projecting that you're attracted to a man that appreciates those qualities in you?

[jam.over.jelly]

It's interesting that you claim to know what men want, but then say it's sexier to you. Aren't you really just projecting that you're attracted to a man that appreciates those qualities in you?

 

Good question!

[J21]

This spark you speak of--or the lack of. You know the honeymoon phase doesn't last forever, right?

 

If you're breaking up with her because that's what is missing, I'd say you're making a big mistake.

 

Take some time to figure it out. There may be something there, but to break up for something so vague as "something is missing I can't figure it out" is immature.

[jam.over.jelly]

This spark you speak of--or the lack of. You know the honeymoon phase doesn't last forever, right?

 

If you're breaking up with her because that's what is missing, I'd say you're making a big mistake.

 

Take some time to figure it out. There may be something there, but to break up for something so vague as "something is missing I can't figure it out" is immature.

 

Can't say I agree. Sometimes you just can't describe what it is. When you're with someone you're supposedly in love with, you should NOT have to question yourself what it is that is missing. He has every reason to feel that way and that is not immature.

[losangelena]

OP, I feel like you're my ex, or like he could have written your post. When he broke up with me last weekend, he said essentially the same thing, that i'm caring and patient and yadda yadda, but that there was "something missing." My mom even said we lacked any real passion.

 

You'll be doing both of you a favor by calling it off.

 

I promise you it won't devastate her as badly as you think. Yes, she might cry and want you back in the moment, but soon she'll realize it was probably for the best. She probably senses a disturbance in the force anyway, so you may as well not delay. Y'all will be fine.

[Eighty_nine]

It's interesting that you claim to know what men want, but then say it's sexier to you. Aren't you really just projecting that you're attracted to a man that appreciates those qualities in you?

 

Nope. I've read several books on the matter and based on female actions and male behavior that I've observed for as long as my female friends and I have been dating, this has turned out to be accurate in almost every case.

 

I meant it's "sexier" to MEN. because that's my perception about why men respond to this kind of woman. I don't appreciate your assumption that I was just projecting and have no idea what I'm talking about, btw.

[Carm]

It could be that the infatuation stage is over BUT I have a hunch it's not.

 

 

I've been in the same situation with an exbf, something was missing and after a year and a half I ultimately ended it. The thing is when something like this is happening to you it's usually not something that happens out of the blue. For me personally, I struggled with that same concept, that something was missing for many many months before I decided to pull the plug. The reason I didn't do it sooner was for the same reasons you mentioned.....in this case, tall, handsome kind hearted man, AND very generous. There was nothing bad I could say about him BUT something was missing.

 

 

When I think back I just didn't have the passion for him.

 

 

IMO, I think you should set her free so that she find someone who values her the way she should be cherished.

 

 

Two years later, I'm with someone I'm crazy about. I'm glad I made the decision to end things otherwise I wouldn't be so happy in love with my bf.

[losangelena]

I dated a guy for a while whose ex-wife came home one day (while they were still married) and announced that she's never really loved him. OMG, what an awful thing to SAY.

 

That's not what you want your SO to hear. But if they're gonna, it's better to hear after a year of dating than after 4 years of marriage.

[katiegrl]

Nope. I've read several books on the matter and based on female actions and male behavior that I've observed for as long as my female friends and I have been dating, this has turned out to be accurate in almost every case.

 

I meant it's "sexier" to MEN. because that's my perception about why men respond to this kind of woman. I don't appreciate your assumption that I was just projecting and have no idea what I'm talking about, btw.

 

I agree with you lissvarna.

 

 

And I have experienced it as well.

 

 

When I was younger (early 20's) I used to bend over backwards trying to "make nice" all the time... I wouldn't stand up for myself for fear of "rocking the boat," etc.....my boyfriends got bored (so did I!!) and we lost that passion, that spark.

 

 

I broke up with my two previous long term boyfriends because of this. They were upset at the time, because they just thought I was the best girlfriend ever (loyal, loving, unselfish, giving (too giving!).... but realized it was the best thing in the long run....because our RL was just, well, lackluster in the sexual passion department. All because I was too "afraid" to speak my mind, and stand up for myself.

 

 

I was boring! And the RL was boring!

 

 

Since getting older, I have become more confident and have become quite feisty! I speak my mind, am assertive, and don't let my boyfriend get away with anything. I call him on his "shyt" (for lack of a better word) and he does the same with me.

 

 

Our relationship is still very hot and passionate after 5+ years!

 

 

Ladies.... speak up! Speak your mind, and don't be afraid to get mad once in awhile...when warranted. Your boyfriend will respect you for it and it will keep HIM on his toes and the fire burning.

 

 

OP, you should talk to her. You might find that SHE is actually feeling the same exact way you are -- that "something" is missing. I sure did in my two previous long term relationship and I took action, and ended it..

 

 

No matter if you end it or she ends it....it's really for the best in the long run if there is no passion. Assuming that's what's missing.

Edited September 19, 2015 by katiegrl