Kkristine Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 I tend to be sarcastic when I'm trying to be humorous, especially in situations where I don't know someone very well. It's a defense mechanism for me. I was recently on a first date, and the guy told me afterwards in a text that he thought I wasn't into him because I was being rude the whole time. I was taken back by it and quickly realized why he thought that. He understood & wants to go on a second date. I'm getting flashbacks of my previous serious relationship though. My ex took everything SO seriously and was super sensitive. I could never be sarcastic with him. It ultimately ended our relationship because we always fought. I really don't want to be with another guy who can't take a joke. When I'm with people who enjoy my sarcasm and throw it right back, life is great. Should I give the date a go or cancel it? Link to post Share on other sites
Gary S Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Some guys just don't get sarcasm......and many beautiful women are sarcastic. Maybe now that you talked, he understands where you are coming from? You could always try one more date.....it's not like it's gonna kill ya! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jacob_Duluoz Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 There's a right way and a wrong way to be sarcastic. The right way makes people laugh, the wrong way makes them cringe. It's about intent. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 There should be a font for sarcasm. It would be useful for some who are on this site 3 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 I'd give it another shot, sure. Don't completely turn off your sarcasm tho if that's who you are. Link to post Share on other sites
Tobin Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Sarcasm is a sign of hostility. Sarcastic people are angry people who try to get the better of others by speaking in a language that others might not be quick enough to "get". Sarcastic people pride themselves on being smarter than those who don't pick up on the fact that they are being "funny" while sounding like they are serious. That much being said, sarcasm has it's place, but must be used with skill and not with the intent to deceive or better another person even though you know most people are inferior. /sarcasm off 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 (edited) Guys perspective..... My ex gf wanted to be sarcastic but the way she said it the phrase would come off as being serious. If she said this with a serious facial expression. When I'm being sarcastic I tend to push it to the point of it's obvious I'm being sarcastic. Edited September 3, 2015 by Ami1uwant Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Gus perspective..... My ex gf wanted to be sarcastic but the way she said it the phrase would come off as being serious. If she said this with a serious facial expression. When I'm being sarcastic I tend to push it to the point of it's obvious I'm being sarcastic. Timing and delivery . . . Are everything. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PrettyEmily77 Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 I'm with you on this. I can be fairly sarcastic (without being hurtful) IRL - not so much on here as you never know how ppl can take it b/c a lot of it is in the delivery - and I find it v. difficult to be with s/one who doesn't get it or is too easily offended. You could always go on a second date just to be sure that's what it is, tho. You never know, he could be talking about sthg else entirely... Link to post Share on other sites
Qboro90 Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 I completely understand your situation as I tend to be very sarcastic and have that sense of humor as well. What I ended up learning while dating is that people who you just meet or are getting to know really don't know that "that's just how he is/his personality". So I'm sure that this guy you went out with took some or your sarcasm and thought "wait... Is she being serious, I can't really tell" and if that happened a couple times then I see how he came to that conclusion. Maybe tone it down a bit until you know someone and they "get you" a bit better. Also too much sarcasm runs the risk of not being taken seriously or people thinking "i know she's being sarcastic but that's just obnoxious to say". Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 I tend to be sarcastic when I'm trying to be humorous, especially in situations where I don't know someone very well. It's a defense mechanism for me. I was recently on a first date, and the guy told me afterwards in a text that he thought I wasn't into him because I was being rude the whole time. I was taken back by it and quickly realized why he thought that. He understood & wants to go on a second date. I'm getting flashbacks of my previous serious relationship though. My ex took everything SO seriously and was super sensitive. I could never be sarcastic with him. It ultimately ended our relationship because we always fought. I really don't want to be with another guy who can't take a joke. When I'm with people who enjoy my sarcasm and throw it right back, life is great. Should I give the date a go or cancel it? Sarcasm can be quite cruel if deployed the right (wrong?) way. It can also be playful and funny. My guess is, because you came off as rude, that you tend to deploy the first kind. If you know this is a defense mechanism for you, then if I were you, I'd keep a serious eye on myself for when I start to lean on it too heavily, and ease up if necessary. Sarcasm can alienate people, and that's the last thing you want to do while trying to meet someone. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 (edited) It's not a matter of someone not being able to take a joke. It's a matter of being completely tone deaf to the feelings of someone you don't know well enough to unleash your "humor" on. There is sarcasm and there is meanness. Most people who complain about others not being able to take a joke aren't on the receiving end of their "humor" and don't realize how they are coming across. They double down on their sarcasm and then wonder why they can't get a date. Until you know the person well enough, keep your tongue on a leash, especially if you want to date them. I used to work with a guy who had the most delicious sarcasm and if you didn't know him and was on the receiving end of it, it seemed quite mean. We used to play tennis with the barbs we dished at one another. One day, his supervisor happened to be in the room when we were smacking each other around and later on, the supervisor came to me and asked me if I was OK; that he was really taken aback by how my coworker was talking to me. I had to reassure him that that is how the coworker and I talk to one another--it was all in fun and I knew how to reign him in when he started off into the weeds with it. If you are not used to being talked to like that, it can be offensive. As I said, get to know the guy far better before going there. Edited September 4, 2015 by kendahke Link to post Share on other sites
PrettyEmily77 Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 It's not a matter of someone not being able to take a joke. But sometimes it just that tho, IMO. We don't all have the same sense of humour, doesn't mean that one is better than the other. And you know, some ppl really can't take a joke. The line should be drawn at being careful not to hurt anyone's feelings, esp. if strangers, the rest is pretty much open to debate. Link to post Share on other sites
Frank2thepoint Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 It's a defense mechanism for me. I really don't want to be with another guy who can't take a joke. When I'm with people who enjoy my sarcasm and throw it right back, life is great. If you know this is a defense mechanism for you, then if I were you, I'd keep a serious eye on myself for when I start to lean on it too heavily, and ease up if necessary. Sarcasm can alienate people, and that's the last thing you want to do while trying to meet someone. I concur with losangelena on this. You know you use it for defense, and you are well aware the negative effect it had on a past relationship. I understand you are comfortable with dishing out sarcasm, but you should also be comfortable with keeping it under control, until you build a rapport with the person that you can be sarcastic with. The guy does not know you, just as you do not know him. Luckily he communicated to you that he thought you didn't like him, allowing you an opportunity to rectify that with a second date. Be understanding and patient. And also stop comparing other men to your ex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
travelbug1996 Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 Look up the definition of sarcasm. It means to "tear flesh". I don't like it or use it much but its usually passive aggressive and rude. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 But sometimes it just that tho, IMO. We don't all have the same sense of humour, doesn't mean that one is better than the other. And you know, some ppl really can't take a joke. and you generally don't know that about a person you barely know. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
casey.lives Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 i loooooooooooooove sarcasm. Im an adult. It's the fun part!!! Link to post Share on other sites
edgygirl Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 I love sarcasm... in homeopathic (small) doses. I am quite sarcastic myself, but it doesn't seem that appropriate on a first date with a guy who doesn't know you. No wonder you came off as rude. I say it from the perspective of someone who has the same issue as you do. I prob come across as rude many times as I am very outspoken as well. I believe I broke up with a long term ex as his sarcasm was just way too much and very inappropriate/offensive many times. In the beginning I loved him for it, and thought we were both intelligent people who could see the nonsense of the world together and laugh about it. In the end, I was just f-ing angry when he said "funny" things to me generally about me as well that were hurtful or offensive. We are still friends and it's been 15 years but it still hurts my stomach to remember a few of the comments. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
regine_phalange Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 I don't like sarcasm in these situations. For me it's like a way to express negative feelings in a condescending way. If you are angry/annoyed and you don't feel like resolving anything then it's perfect. Or when you are emotionally detached. I personally avoid being sarcastic with people, I'd rather be sarcastic with situations. As an example, I was in an elevator with other 5 people and none of us pushed the button, so when we noticed I said "it's comfy in here too", and the people laughed, no one got offended. And if you think I can't take a joke you are wrong. In the past there was this guy with whom we exchanged various light insults (I called him a female name and he called me a male name, things like that). I never acted on it because my friend was really into him. I remember him talking with her on the phone and asking to talk with me for some minutes because he wanted to get his daily dose of insults. But the thing is that our chemistry was like that since the beginning. So it was kind of natural and I knew that it actually hid fondness (my friend was jealous of the insults! ). Nothing was implied about our true nature as happens with sarcasm, the insults were about things that we both knew weren't true in reality. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PrettyEmily77 Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 and you generally don't know that about a person you barely know. I know. You cut that bit out from my post, tho. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 I tend to be sarcastic when I'm trying to be humorous, especially in situations where I don't know someone very well. It's a defense mechanism for me. Read that back to yourself again. If it's a defence mechanism with those you don't know well, what you're doing is alienating them before anything has begun. You're deliberately using potentially cruel humour to keep them distant. I'm getting flashbacks of my previous serious relationship though. My ex took everything SO seriously and was super sensitive. I could never be sarcastic with him. It ultimately ended our relationship because we always fought. No, YOU ultimately ended the relationship, because your defence mechanism made him distant. He wasn't super-sensitive. He didn't like the way you spoke to him because - guess what - ? It was having the desired effect. It pushed him away. He didn't want to be pushed away, but your persistence paid off. Some people simply do not respond well to sarcasm. Your ex- was one of those people. The fact that you were insensitive to his objections - even though you MUST have known him quite well - is a questionable mode of behaviour.... I really don't want to be with another guy who can't take a joke. When I'm with people who enjoy my sarcasm and throw it right back, life is great. Should I give the date a go or cancel it? Most guys CAN, and do take jokes. Not everyone has the same sense of humour. If you've now been told that he doesn't 'get' your sarcasm, you have a choice: Tone it down, don't be so defensive and erect barriers - or find a guy who gives as good as he gets. Be careful though: Those who dish sarcasm, don't always feel comfortable when it gets hurled back, with an added layer of vitriol. If you can find a guy who 'throws it right back' - It's highly likely he also knows how to wound with words.... sarcasm can be very hurtful. As you have found out to your cost. Sorry if this sounds critical - but then, you're the one with the defence mechanism, not I, ain't that so? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
umirano Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 Some people think they have prime sarcasm to offer to the rest of the world when in fact they're simply awkward or scared of actual closeness and thus put up these conversational walls. You might want to ask yourself why you feel the need to defend yourself to a new date so much. It doesn't sound like you're very comfortable with the new guy. Do you see why he doubts your interest? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 Most people that talk about themselves being sarcastic, like they put it in their dating profiles and stuff, are really just mean and they think it's funny. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 I usually find sarcastic women to be aloof and off putting - in a dating sense. That being said, well executed sarcasm, in well timed doses, if a great thing in a romantic partner. Sarcasm, by definition, is a layer of obfuscation. It is really hard to try to get to know someone when all you meet is sarcasm - well executed or not. It is like trying to date the perpetually "funny guy". Ya, there is a time and a place for that but after a while it is just off putting and annoying. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 I tend to be sarcastic when I'm trying to be humorous, especially in situations where I don't know someone very well. It's a defense mechanism for me. I was recently on a first date, and the guy told me afterwards in a text that he thought I wasn't into him because I was being rude the whole time. I was taken back by it and quickly realized why he thought that. He understood & wants to go on a second date. I'm getting flashbacks of my previous serious relationship though. My ex took everything SO seriously and was super sensitive. I could never be sarcastic with him. It ultimately ended our relationship because we always fought. I really don't want to be with another guy who can't take a joke. When I'm with people who enjoy my sarcasm and throw it right back, life is great. Should I give the date a go or cancel it? I would not go on a 2nd date with a guy who mistook your sense of humor for rudeness. You two are not compatible. While I enjoy sarcasm . . . think Lewis Black . . . I'm concerned because you said it's used as a defense mechanism You may want to make sure you are being sarcastic as opposed to preemptively mean. There is a difference. But in general sarcasm and sense of humor are personal choices. Some people may like yours while others find it off putting. Finding the person with whom you are compatible is all part of dating. Happy hunting. Link to post Share on other sites
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