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Girlfriend finally admitted she has some secrets...


deadelvis

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Well, we have been trying to reconcile and work things out and somehow the conversation came around to my trust issues and how I've always felt she was hiding dark secrets about her past that she would never tell me.

 

And then she admitted that I was right... She said she does in fact have some secrets about her past that she's never told me, and probably will never tell me, and if I can accept that and love her for who she is without asking her to tell me the truth about her past, then we can stay together, but if I can't live with the knowledge that she's keeping things from me about her past, then we should just go our separate ways.

 

Now this is a relief in one regard, because I thought I was just a paranoid freak for always being suspicious that she was only giving me the partial truth about her past.

 

But on the other hand it's highly disturbing because she's already told me so many hardcore stories about her past, and she did so without any shame or remorse, so whatever she's not telling me must be a major bombshell.

 

I'm deeply confused about this. I have three options

 

1. Accept that I will never know the truth about her past and be happy with our life together in the present. "ask me no questions and I'll tell you now lies"

 

2. Demand the truth. Risk being lied to again, or at very best have her tell me things about her past that will forever ruin my image of her.

 

3. Walk away.

Edited by deadelvis
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Problem isn't that she has secrets. We all have some secrets. Problem is the stuff she has already told you, you call it hardcore and you think she should be remorseful but she isn't. Clearly you don't share the same values.

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I think people here are telling you to walk away from day one.

But here you are posting your third thread (or more?) about her.

If you are too weak to walk away, why bother keep asking? Isn't it a waste of time for everybody?

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Well, we have been trying to reconcile and work things out and somehow the conversation came around to my trust issues and how I've always felt she was hiding dark secrets about her past that she would never tell me.

 

And then she admitted that I was right... She said she does in fact have some secrets about her past that she's never told me, and probably will never tell me, and if I can accept that and love her for who she is without asking her to tell me the truth about her past, then we can stay together, but if I can't live with the knowledge that she's keeping things from me about her past, then we should just go our separate ways.

 

Now this is a relief in one regard, because I thought I was just a paranoid freak for always being suspicious that she was only giving me the partial truth about her past.

 

But on the other hand it's highly disturbing because she's already told me so many hardcore stories about her past, and she did so without any shame or

remorse, so whatever she's not telling me must be a major bombshell.

 

I'm deeply confused about this. I have three options

 

1. Accept that I will never know the truth about her past and be happy with

our life together in the present. "ask me no questions and I'll tell you now lies"

 

2. Demand the truth. Risk being lied to again, or at very best have her tell me things about her past that will forever ruin my image of her

 

 

3. Walk away.

 

#2 is the reason she will never reveal that to you. It does not, however, necessarily mean that it is a bombshell so terrible or worse than anything else. If she has been sexually abused she will be carrying deeper shame, a false sense of guilt and enbarrassment than anything she has actually done to be ashamed of . . . Some people will carry this secret to their grave while suffering in silence.

 

That is one particular possibility that, if it is true, you need to respect her

needs. I would hope that some day she could reveal these secrets. As long as the likelihood doesn't exist that she murdered someone, leave it alone.

 

You are happy with her and she is happy, why mess around with that? You could ask her one simple question though and then drop it -- is there any possibility that these secrets will come to haunt us? If she says no, drop it. If she says yes, you simply tell her that since it may possibly affect you at some point, she owes it to you and the relationship to share it.

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#2 is the reason she will never reveal that to you. It does not, however, necessarily mean that it is a bombshell so terrible or worse than anything else. If she has been sexually abused she will be carrying deeper shame, a false sense of guilt and enbarrassment than anything she has actually done to be ashamed of . . . Some people will carry this secret to their grave while suffering in silence.

 

That is one particular possibility that, if it is true, you need to respect her

needs. I would hope that some day she could reveal these secrets. As long as the likelihood doesn't exist that she murdered someone, leave it alone.

 

You are happy with her and she is happy, why mess around with that? You could ask her one simple question though and then drop it -- is there any possibility that these secrets will come to haunt us? If she says no, drop it. If she says yes, you simply tell her that since it may possibly affect you at some point, she owes it to you and the relationship to share it.

 

 

See but the thing is she's already told me about being sexually abused, having an abortion, working briefly as an escort, having threesomes (MFM and FFM), having sex with around 50 guys and numerous women, going to sex parties etc. etc. so it worries me that after being so candid about discussing those things, now she's admitting that she still has some secrets. I'm trying to think of what could possibly be worse than what she's already told, and if it's worse than having sex for money or getting tag-teamed by two guys... what could she possibly have done that's so bad she will take it to her grave instead of coming forward with the truth? Saying I'm nervous what else she's been hiding from me would be a bit of an understatement.

Edited by deadelvis
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todreaminblue

you have this car in front of you...its everything you could hope for in a car....its mileage is a bit high for its years but it runs well.....corners like a dream...purrs its way through traffic......and its yours now.....

 

then

 

 

you look at the dash board while you are driving it you think you hear a tick behind it ...a clunk you cant really explain......its probably the engine......it could be cheaper oil has been used...or maybe you put in leaded instead of unleaded......and suddenly it doesnt seem so perfect for you anymore....you get out....you take a hammer and you start hammering away at that perceived tic......instead of maybe taking it to a mechanic you ask around on car forums how to fix that tic...and you keep getting different answers to every thread you start......still doesnt explain the tic.....

 

then

 

 

you start to have an epiphany about the car.......mayeb its nto the car at all....maybe its because fo the driver there is a problem that driver is me...why couldnt i be happy with what i had ...why did i have to pull apart the car fo my dreams when that tic really didnt change anything about me driving the car, why couldnt i be satisfied i wont know every story that car has had...every drive....every long distance it has run...every corner...every little secret of the drivers who sat there in the seat before me...and why the hell am i asking people who dont even know what my car is or where my car has been or how it handles the wet.........

 

then you think

 

maybe its time i visit a true mechanic and work on my driving skills.....

 

and down the track a ways on these car forums..... we hear of a beautiful car with an experienced driver who got over an obsessive need to find that tic......the car apparently still corners like a dream...best wishes..deb....

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See but the thing is she's already told me about being sexually abused, having an abortion, working briefly as an escort, having threesomes (MFM and FFM), having sex with around 50 guys and numerous women, going to sex parties etc. etc. so it worries me that after being so candid about discussing those things, now she's admitting that she still has some secrets. I'm trying to think of what could possibly be worse than what she's already told, and if it's worse than having sex for money or getting tag-teamed by two guys... what could she possibly have done that's so bad she will take it to her grave instead of coming forward with the truth. Saying I'm nervous what else she's been hiding from me would be a bit of an understatement.

 

That's the other point I was trying to emphasize, there really aren't many more if ant things she could be hiding worse thsn those short or murder Id say. Whatever it is is something that in her mind is too difficult to talk about. It may not even be something she did. Perhaps she knows something about someone else.

 

You have spent numerous hours posting here about the fact that she wouldnt do certain things with you and trying to figure out how to get her to do those things. Now you want her do this. Accept her as she is or move on.

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fitnessfan365

The whole time you've been w-her, you've been pressuring her about her past. She's always said that she's told you everything and you refuse to believe it. So what if she's finally telling you what you want to hear because you'll never believe her?

 

I'm guessing she won't tell you what they are because there's nothing to tell. She's probably just trying to put your mind at ease a bit.

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See but the thing is she's already told me about being sexually abused, having an abortion, working briefly as an escort, having threesomes (MFM and FFM), having sex with around 50 guys and numerous women, going to sex parties etc. etc. so it worries me that after being so candid about discussing those things, now she's admitting that she still has some secrets. I'm trying to think of what could possibly be worse than what she's already told, and if it's worse than having sex for money or getting tag-teamed by two guys... what could she possibly have done that's so bad she will take it to her grave instead of coming forward with the truth? Saying I'm nervous what else she's been hiding from me would be a bit of an understatement.

 

How about sex with animals or children....

 

 

As if ALL this isn't bad enough, she has no job, takes your money while you support her, pay her car payment, her bills, do the housework, etc, while she lounges around in her PJs all day.

 

 

I am curious....what do you find so appealing about her? Other than I imagine she is good in bed, but what else?

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The whole time you've been w-her, you've been pressuring her about her past. She's always said that she's told you everything and you refuse to believe it. So what if she's finally telling you what you want to hear because you'll never believe her?

 

I'm guessing she won't tell you what they are because there's nothing to tell. She's probably just trying to put your mind at ease a bit.

 

If she were trying to put his mind at ease...she would have told him there is NOTHING else to tell -- NOT that there is MORE to tell, but she refuses to tell him, and he either accepts that or it's over.

 

 

What type of logic is that?

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I'm with Red, I bet it's some kind of abuse or something.

 

What I'm also curious about is when exactly will OP be satisfied with this girl? It's like every week there's another problem with her. She could reveal the most shameful, dark secrets and he'd STILL probably A) not believe her, or B) figure out something else to question.

 

Oye vey!

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fitnessfan365
If she were trying to put his mind at ease...she would have told him there is NOTHING else to tell -- NOT that there is MORE to tell, but she refuses to tell him, and he either accepts that or it's over.

 

 

What type of logic is that?

 

That's just it Katie. She's been saying that there is nothing else to tell for awhile now. He refuses to believe her and keeps hounding her to be completely honest.

 

So my theory for what it's worth, is that she finally told him what he wanted to hear just so that he'd leave her alone. But since there is nothing to really tell, she's being purposely vague saying she'll never talk about it. I mean think about it. She's been really open and honest talking about tons of crazy things in her past from countless partners and sexual escapades to being a hooker. So when she's been that open, why would she suddenly clam up? Unless there was nothing to tell and she was blowing smoke to get him to leave her alone.

Edited by fitnessfan365
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That's just it Katie.

 

.

 

Well, I don't agree "that's just it," nor do I agree with the rest of your "theory," so let's just leave it at that. :):)

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That's just it Katie. She's been saying that there is nothing else to tell for awhile now. He refuses to believe her and keeps hounding her to be completely honest.

 

So my theory for what it's worth, is that she finally told him what he wanted to hear just so that he'd leave her alone. But since there is nothing to really tell, she's being purposely vague saying she'll never talk about it. I mean think about it. She's been really open and honest talking about tons of crazy things in her past from countless partners and sexual escapades to being a hooker. So when she's been that open, why would she suddenly clam up? Unless there was nothing to tell and she was blowing smoke to get him to leave her alone.

 

The reason she is not telling him is because whatever it is...is SOOOO bad, so horrifying, that not only would he never stay with her because of it...but it could be so bad that he might actually be able to report her to the authorities.....and have her ass thrown in jail.

 

 

Given everything else she has done.... my guess is it involved children (abuse and/or sex with children), which would make her a pedophile....and YES that might warrant an investigation which could have her thrown in jail, along with whomever her accomplice was, which if I had to take a wild guess, is probably some skumbag guy she picked up at some point in time.

Edited by katiegrl
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Versacehottie

Well I would kind of say to do no. 1 (that's assuming she IS a changed woman) but I already know you can't do that. So I say no. 3.

 

Now I'm not sure she is a changed woman, in which case, I say no. 3.

 

What I think is ridiculous, is that this only probably came up in your conversation with her because you've been pressuring her again!!!! See why you can't do number 1. I doubt she offered it up out of the blue (hmmm, maybe i'm wrong and she was lulled into a false sense of security).

 

sorry i hate when the answer everyone gives is to walk away but in this case it is 100% warranted. Not because of her past, but because you can't let it go.

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I don't like the fact she pretty much gave you an ultimatum about it.

 

It's probably not that bad but since she brought it up this way, you'll probably assume the worse.

 

Anyways, I'd ask for the truth but be ready to accept it if you care about her. Whatever it is, she is probably terrified of your reaction.

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3. Walk away.

 

You have major trust and insecurity issues. Everyone has a past and you are hellbent on breaking this woman until she has no self-esteem and no self-worth left. It seems to me you won't be satisfied until she has a nervous breakdown. BUT, she has finally taken an affirmative stance and given you an ultimatum, and imo it long overdue. She's tired of being back into corners and being belittled by you. She is who she is.

 

2. Demand the truth. Risk being lied to again, or at very best have her tell me things about her past that will forever ruin my image of her.[/Quote]

 

This says you have no intent to let her be. You can't accept her in present day w/o probing for every minute detail. As Jen said, walk away for her sake if not your own.

 

As if all your digging and probing and berating aren't enough, you find fault and expose personal details about things that happen beyond her control. (Anyone who has followed your posts will understand this statement so I'm not gonna rehash it in this thread.) There's more drama in this relationship than Lifetime movies :p. Give yourself a break and peace of mind and leave her alone.

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Well I would kind of say to do no. 1 (that's assuming she IS a changed woman) but I already know you can't do that. So I say no. 3.

 

Now I'm not sure she is a changed woman, in which case, I say no. 3.

 

What I think is ridiculous, is that this only probably came up in your conversation with her because you've been pressuring her again!!!! See why you can't do number 1. I doubt she offered it up out of the blue (hmmm, maybe i'm wrong and she was lulled into a false sense of security).

 

sorry i hate when the answer everyone gives is to walk away but in this case it is 100% warranted. Not because of her past, but because you can't let it go.

 

 

Agree with Versace... however, while I am sure she's probably sick to death of him hounding her about her past...I DO think she was was truthful in admitting she has secrets.

 

 

If she did NOT have secrets...she would have told him "Look, I have told you EVERYTHING.... you either choose to believe me, OR, if you can't then we should go separate ways.

 

 

NOT admit she does have secrets...that won't put his mind at ease....that is only going to fuel MORE insecurities....which is exactly what happened, hence this thread.

 

 

HER conscience is clear though....because she admitted she has secrets.... which no doubt are doozies I'm sure.

 

 

But yeah agree with V...just end it. You can't live like this, nor can she, with you feeling so insecure, constantly badgering her, etc.

 

 

Even disregarding her past though...she's no prize. No job, you pay her bills, support her, she does no housework, etc, all she does is lounge around in her jammies all day doing nothing.

 

 

I am not understanding the attraction...but to each his own I guess.

Edited by katiegrl
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Well, we have been trying to reconcile and work things out and somehow the conversation came around to my trust issues and how I've always felt she was hiding dark secrets about her past that she would never tell me.

 

And then she admitted that I was right... She said she does in fact have some secrets about her past that she's never told me, and probably will never tell me, and if I can accept that and love her for who she is without asking her to tell me the truth about her past, then we can stay together, but if I can't live with the knowledge that she's keeping things from me about her past, then we should just go our separate ways.

 

Now this is a relief in one regard, because I thought I was just a paranoid freak for always being suspicious that she was only giving me the partial truth about her past.

 

But on the other hand it's highly disturbing because she's already told me so many hardcore stories about her past, and she did so without any shame or remorse, so whatever she's not telling me must be a major bombshell.

 

I'm deeply confused about this. I have three options

 

1. Accept that I will never know the truth about her past and be happy with our life together in the present. "ask me no questions and I'll tell you now lies"

 

2. Demand the truth. Risk being lied to again, or at very best have her tell me things about her past that will forever ruin my image of her.

 

3. Walk away.

 

4. Seek the "truth" from other sources. Risk destroying your "relationship" with her. I think this may be a viable choice because, since you don't trust each other, there's no foundation to build a relationship on anyways. The risk involved is minimum or negligible, and you get to finally know the "truth".

 

As a first step, google her name (assuming you know her real name) and see what comes up.

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This relationship is doomed no matter which option you go with. You already have trust issues and you're already struggling with the information you do have. Whether she tells you more, whether it's worse or not than the other things you already know, or whether you decide to drop it, all of this will keep eating at you and you will never be happy and secure in this relationship.

 

Just end it already.

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