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Our relationship has been affected by her new job


LuisLuna

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Hi again. Let me warn you, this will be a long thread, but please read it.

 

Me and my girl have 5 wonderful years of relationship, with a not very pleasant 2 months break up that happened 11 months ago. We broke up in October, got back in December.

 

The thing is that since we're back things were going so great that i even felt it as if we were in the very first days. We were planning on getting married, planning the wedding and i was saving up money to buy her ring. BUT this happened, in last May she graduated from University and got a good job. I am still studying (i am older though but not so good at school) but i had a great job, money was not a problem and i could take her wherever i wanted to. Sadly in last June i got fired with no reason at all, and just a month after my unemployment, she got promoted. She said i shouldn't worry about money, and that my only priority should be school, so i took her advice and started focusing in school (I graduate in December). She was the one now inviting me to dinner, taking me out and stuff like that, i told her that i prefer to take her home a prepare dinner to her, because i felt ashamed of that, she said i should not because she was very happy to help me, and that made her feel proud of herself. I work as a musician in a local bar and every time i had a gig, I used the money earned to take her out and buy her things, i never saved anything for me. I also got a half time job with a ****ty payment to stop bothering her and also invite her sometimes, We were doing great, then... 2 weeks ago she got promoted again, she's now like a boss or supervisor, with a great salary, lot of responsibilities and a long ass work time term, she is working from 12 to 14 hours daily.

 

A friend of mine who works with her told me "you should be careful, the people she's working with now are not humble persons and the may try to change her". I told her what my friend told me and she said i should not be worried and that everything was fine. After that she stopped calling me as often as always, she stopped sending those "have a great day sweetie" messages at the morning and every time we were together she was ONLY talking about her job, I once had to tell her to stop, that i was not very interested in her job, and i wanted to talk about us as we always do. She felt offended but we leave it there. My birthday was a week ago, i thought that as she was earning some good money, she was going to buy a gift, it's not like i am an interested shameless ****er, but i was kind of excited about it. The birthday came and i was able to see her until 9 p.m. because she was working, She wrote a beautiful letter to me, with a picture of us and all, but not a gift, she said she had been to busy, but took me to have dinner in a nice restaurant, i told her i was saving money and i wanted to pay, that the only gift i wanted was being with her. Had a great night.

 

After that she became less interested in sending me messages or calling sometimes, whenever i called her things were just fine, but it was never her initiative. Last saturday we went out to dinner, i used my first payment of the ****ty job to take her to a romantic place, we had a great night and she told me she had a surprise for me, it was a reservation in a hotel at the Beach, she said we will be having our own birthday celebration alone at the beach, i became very excited. Sunday was her day off, i called her early asking her if she wanted to go out and have breakfast at a seafood place, she said she really wanted to rest and maybe we should see later, (last week i only saw her 2 or 3 times) At 6:00 p.m. she called me saying that her job mates were having a BBQ and that she was invited, i said it was fine, but asked her for pick her up at night or something, i wanted to see her, she said it was ok. It was until 11:30 pm that she called me, she said "sorry my love, i was having a good time with the people of the office and didn't realize it was this late", i must admit i was upset and said "ok good nite" and hanged the phone. She didn't call back, i mean we were used to see each other DAILY, i understand we cannot do that now that she's working, but come on at least i should be able to see her in her day off!

 

I went to talk to her this monday asking her to start paying attention to me, i feel like if she's not interested in me anymore. I was a little bit rude and said things like "your job is not as good as you think, it may be over soon and you will be unemployed again, i supported you when you were unemployed, anyone can do your job" I know i did bad, but my intentions were to make her see job is not everything in life, she said she was not feeling happy anymore, and that she was doubting she really loving me, that the best thing was to break up and totally forget about the trip to the beach, and then started crying a lot. I told her we should settle things up and work this out, and asked her to talk the next day (yesterday) she agreed. I went to the flower shop and bought a big bunch of roses and wrote a letter where i opened how i was feeling, and apologizing for being such a dick the day before, i wrote things like "you are where you are because you are the best doing that, you made me feel like a noob when you were talking about the great things you do at your job" I left it at her bed in her house and left. She called me right after she saw the flowers and was happy. I went to her place and we talked about her job like an hour, like nothing happened, i now listened to her, gave her my impressions and replying with personal experiences, it was fun, then i told her i had to do a work on the date we were supposed to go to the beach, she said "What! thats when we're leaving to San Carlos (beach's name)!" I was surprised and said and asked her if we were really going, she said of course we're going, i hugged her and she hugged me, we kissed and i apologized, she said it was fine and that we should just forget what happened.

 

TODAY has been the same story, not a single call, not a single message, i have sent her some messages like "what are you doing love of my life? :love:" and she responds like "nothing i was just doing some work" with no sweet stuff written.

 

Should i just leave her alone and wait until she realizes that work is not everything in life?.. How can i get her attention again?

 

Note: I saw that even when she was earning good money, she hasn't bought any clothes or shoes or things like that, so i realized she was paying for her sister university, maybe that's why she's taking it so personal, right?.

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i have sent her some messages like "what are you doing love of my life? :love:" and she responds like "nothing i was just doing some work" with no sweet stuff written.
Sounds like you need to lay off her. Don't keep being sweet if you aren't getting it back. This r/s sounds like it's becoming one-sided.
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Sounds like you need to lay off her. Don't keep being sweet if you aren't getting it back. This r/s sounds like it's becoming one-sided.

 

I agree. We can't make people value us or pay attention; you've stated you weren't happy feeling left out and that she seemed to prioritize her job. What you said to her was quite rude, but I don't think that's the reason she is being distant again. She told you she's having doubts that she loves you - do not brush that comment under the rug. That's a big clue about what the real problem is.

 

I would take a step back here. Let the next couple weeks unfold and see what happens when you're not taking the initiative. If you still find that she is very distant and not responsive to your affections, you need to have a very honest discussion with her about the state of the relationship and whether she feels there's still a future here.

 

Why did you break up before?

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Her job isn't the problem. Your attitude toward her job is the problem. You want traditional gender roles in your finances -- as the man you pay. In demanding that, you insulted her & belittled her accomplishments. In essence you told her that she's a pretty decoration in your life & if she tried to be anything else, you no longer want to be involved.

 

 

Yes, it was kind of crappy for her not to buy you a birthday gift but she did give you a thoughtful heartfelt acknowledgment of the day then you went & undermined her AGAIN by insisting on paying for your birthday dinner. You need to be more gracious about accepting things from her. Letting her pay is not the same thing as cutting off your man parts.

 

 

She's going to leave you. Not because people at work are encouraging her to but because you are acting badly about her successes & can't celebrate her accomplishments with her. Nobody wants to date somebody & really doesn't want to be married to someone who resents them for doing well. Your attitude is killing her feelings for you.

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Her job isn't the problem. Your attitude toward her job is the problem. You want traditional gender roles in your finances -- as the man you pay. In demanding that, you insulted her & belittled her accomplishments. In essence you told her that she's a pretty decoration in your life & if she tried to be anything else, you no longer want to be involved.

 

 

Yes, it was kind of crappy for her not to buy you a birthday gift but she did give you a thoughtful heartfelt acknowledgment of the day then you went & undermined her AGAIN by insisting on paying for your birthday dinner. You need to be more gracious about accepting things from her. Letting her pay is not the same thing as cutting off your man parts.

 

 

She's going to leave you. Not because people at work are encouraging her to but because you are acting badly about her successes & can't celebrate her accomplishments with her. Nobody wants to date somebody & really doesn't want to be married to someone who resents them for doing well. Your attitude is killing her feelings for you.

 

This, pretty much.

 

You've been acting like a baby since she got her job, when you should have hanndled things as an adult and supported her.

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Her job isn't the problem. Your attitude toward her job is the problem. You want traditional gender roles in your finances -- as the man you pay. In demanding that, you insulted her & belittled her accomplishments. In essence you told her that she's a pretty decoration in your life & if she tried to be anything else, you no longer want to be involved.

 

 

Yes, it was kind of crappy for her not to buy you a birthday gift but she did give you a thoughtful heartfelt acknowledgment of the day then you went & undermined her AGAIN by insisting on paying for your birthday dinner. You need to be more gracious about accepting things from her. Letting her pay is not the same thing as cutting off your man parts.

 

 

She's going to leave you. Not because people at work are encouraging her to but because you are acting badly about her successes & can't celebrate her accomplishments with her. Nobody wants to date somebody & really doesn't want to be married to someone who resents them for doing well. Your attitude is killing her feelings for you.

 

Woow, i know i have been acting like a baby, and i know i haven't been really mature, but i asked her if she was still doubting in loving me and she said no, and replied saying that she really loves me, there's something i still can do right? Is not like she has already decided to break up with me

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Woow, i know i have been acting like a baby, and i know i haven't been really mature, but i asked her if she was still doubting in loving me and she said no, and replied saying that she really loves me, there's something i still can do right? Is not like she has already decided to break up with me

 

 

 

then starting today you better be the # 1 fan of her job. Listen to her when she talks about it. Encourage her. Celebrate her success.

 

 

Since money is a little tighter for you, I'd start with a small bouquet of flowers & then make her dinner. Call it a belated congratulatory celebration on her most recent promotion.

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fitnessfan365

I think a big part of the problem is your lack of self esteem and confidence OP. Even when you had a job, you were constantly trying to buy her affection w-dinners and gifts, etc.. It comes off like you never believed that you were enough for her and constantly had to prove yourself.

 

Also, you say that she's now working 12-14 hours daily. She's probably doing the best she can trying to manage her career and relationship with you. Yet you're complaining that she can't see you daily or that she doesn't contact you as much. Stop acting so damn needy.

 

My advice for what it's worth is to lay off her a bit, give her some space to let her deal with her career, and be comfortable in your own skin. Stop sending her lovey dovey messages all the time just so you'll keep getting confirmation on how she feels about you.

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I went to talk to her this monday asking her to start paying attention to me, i feel like if she's not interested in me anymore. I was a little bit rude and said things like "your job is not as good as you think, it may be over soon and you will be unemployed again, i supported you when you were unemployed, anyone can do your job"

 

Dear God, and she didn't dump you right there and then? I would have. How dare you, buddy.

 

I know i did bad, but my intentions were to make her see job is not everything in life

 

Mission NOT accomplished. You failed miserably.

 

You really need to work on your self-esteem. Stop bringing everyone else down just because you aren't on their level.

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Her job isn't the problem. Your attitude toward her job is the problem. You want traditional gender roles in your finances -- as the man you pay. In demanding that, you insulted her & belittled her accomplishments. In essence you told her that she's a pretty decoration in your life & if she tried to be anything else, you no longer want to be involved.

 

Nobody wants to be in a relationship with a workaholic.

 

I've been around long enough to know that if you are dating a woman and you lose your job... somehow, someway, in some twisted universe... it's never her fault that the relationship struggles.

 

Like when Jennifer Hudson was Ok dating a janitor until she got rich. Then "he can't handle her success"... and she runs off with a rich guy.

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TBH I don't see this lasting much longer! She's driven, goal-oriented, and moving forward in her life, while you resent that and are trying to drag her down so that you don't feel inadequate or get left behind. That's really why you want her constantly texting and reaching out to you. You're looking for constant reassurance and validation. That gets old really fast.

 

Can you find hobbies? You seem to have way too much free time. Occupy yourself with something. Enroll in a program for your own career development. Anything so that you aren't constantly sitting around waiting for her to respond to you.

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TBH I don't see this lasting much longer! She's driven, goal-oriented, and moving forward in her life, while you resent that and are trying to drag her down so that you don't feel inadequate or get left behind. That's really why you want her constantly texting and reaching out to you. You're looking for constant reassurance and validation. That gets old really fast.

 

Can you find hobbies? You seem to have way too much free time. Occupy yourself with something. Enroll in a program for your own career development. Anything so that you aren't constantly sitting around waiting for her to respond to you.

 

 

To be honest this is not the first time i hear that, she's an strange woman that has never ever put things easy for me and we always find a way. I don't only have hobbies, i play soccer in the local league, i am a musician, i have a job and i go to school, I am busy almost as much as her but i am not crazy about it, i know that a call or a message in my work time wont kill anyone and she was the same until the promotion. True thing is that i feel i haven't gotten over our break up. It was a VERY hard time for me, i feel the need to convince myself that she is really involved in the relation every time, i know that bothers her, the last time we talked about the topic she asked me to NEVER ask her again if "are we good?" that she was so sure of that.

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TBH I don't see this lasting much longer! She's driven, goal-oriented, and moving forward in her life, while you resent that and are trying to drag her down so that you don't feel inadequate or get left behind. That's really why you want her constantly texting and reaching out to you. You're looking for constant reassurance and validation. That gets old really fast.

 

Can you find hobbies? You seem to have way too much free time. Occupy yourself with something. Enroll in a program for your own career development. Anything so that you aren't constantly sitting around waiting for her to respond to you.

 

Hobbies? The guy is in the middle of university and graduating in December. I think he has plenty on his plate.

 

You would not put up with BF who never bothered to call or text you? I really doubt it.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
inflammatory ~T
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I know i have a lack of self-steem and confidence since our break up, when i realized how much i need her and love her. We have talked about it.

 

Luis, it's not working. I think you're going to have to accept that she can't meet your demands. This is how you push someone away. Your choices are to end things and find someone else or readjust your behavior and expectations.

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I don’t see this working out unless you can be sincerely happy and supportive of her being more professionally successful than you are.

Be fair and honest with her. Either break up with her or be truly happy that she's doing so well.

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Update: The thing is not working anymore, it is getting out of my hands i don't know how to stop it. We talked yesterday, she said that she doesn't feel good with me anymore, that she still likes me, but has been losing interest, she said that in this time she realized how much she needed me to do stuff and that doesn't make her feel proud of herself, she also said that she was so used to be always with me and thats how she wants me as an "always there" guy, but the circumstances doesn't allow that anymore and she doesn't feel like having a relationship with so few time. She feels exhausted and depressed. I told her that i wanted to support her, i apologized and all. She just ended with "Theres a lot of bad stuff happening to me right now at work, i would love to tell someone and receive some advice, but you made it clear you were not interested and i lost the confidence in telling you"

 

I messed up so bad... there must be a way i cant fix this up. We didn't break up at the moment, just agreed to have some time for ourselves so we can clear our minds.

 

 

(Note: maybe not relevant, but is her attitude influenced by the fact that she is on her period?)

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No her attitude is not influenced by her menstrual cycle but it may be influenced by the fact that you had the audacity to ask that. Your machismo is showing again & it's not attractive.

 

 

Let this woman go & find somebody who is more in line with your archaic view of the world.

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Update: The thing is not working anymore, it is getting out of my hands i don't know how to stop it. We talked yesterday, she said that she doesn't feel good with me anymore, that she still likes me, but has been losing interest, she said that in this time she realized how much she needed me to do stuff and that doesn't make her feel proud of herself, she also said that she was so used to be always with me and thats how she wants me as an "always there" guy, but the circumstances doesn't allow that anymore and she doesn't feel like having a relationship with so few time. She feels exhausted and depressed. I told her that i wanted to support her, i apologized and all. She just ended with "Theres a lot of bad stuff happening to me right now at work, i would love to tell someone and receive some advice, but you made it clear you were not interested and i lost the confidence in telling you"

 

I messed up so bad... there must be a way i cant fix this up. We didn't break up at the moment, just agreed to have some time for ourselves so we can clear our minds.

 

 

(Note: maybe not relevant, but is her attitude influenced by the fact that she is on her period?)

 

No.

 

I think she has simply started to fall out of love and the new job is compounding that.

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I have read this entire thread, and agree with the others, she is done ....sorry.

 

And to the OP, re this little gem from your opening post:

 

>>>...she was ONLY talking about her job, I once had to tell her to stop, that I was not very interested in her job, and I wanted to talk about *us* as we always do.". Ugh!

 

I would have dumped you right then and there and would not care if we had been together 20 years!

 

Please don't ever say this to a woman again. IMO this was the kiss of death, with everything going downhill from there....

 

Hopefully, huge lesson learned for your next relationship. At least try and be supportive, a relationship is not all about you.

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