Dealing with Clingy, Needy, Types of Girls and Guys

[treehugger101]

How many of you have dated, been in a relationship, married, etc. To someone that was clingy, needy, etc. You know always needing to be assured that "Everything is okay" "I believe in you" "Your okay" "I care and love you" among other things, just always needing to hear this 24/7?

 

How did you cope or deal with someone like this?

[d0nnivain]

On the rare occasion when I found myself involved with such a person I sat them down for a talk.

 

 

I explained that their behavior was making me nuts & while I genuinely liked them I really resented the behavior. I also explained that if the clingy needy BS didn't stop, that unattractive quality was going to make their worst fear come true because I would break up with them.

 

 

Many stopped. The ones who didn't were left behind. Life is too short. I have my own problems. I can't fix yours by being their 24/7/365 to reassure you that yes I do like you. My actions should be sufficient to convey that.

[ExpatInItaly]

One of my ex-boyfriend was like this. It drove me crazy, because I felt like I could never do enough to prove that I really loved him. My words and actions were constantly called into question and he doubted me almost every step of the way. I told him I couldn't be expected to prop up his self-esteem. I felt I was doing plenty to reassure him but he just wouldn't believe I was sincere. I became so drained by it and the relationship eventually fell apart.

[scooby-philly]

Ok,

 

I'll own up - I can be needy and clingy at times. I suffer from depression from time to time and also from fear of abandonment & fear of getting judged. Not going to waste time explaining why here. It's sufficient to say that not everyone adjusts to life in the same way and that many people turn out that their needs were not met in some form or fashion along the way of reaching adulthood. Having worked in different industries/careers, traveled a lot, and dated in a few ethnic groups I'd wager that more people are needy than you realize. But, everyone is needy in their own way. I think what you're hinting at is that for most people "need" is easy- in that their needs can be met relatively easy or only come out only in certain circumstances.

 

Normally, I'm not a needy/clingy person. However, I've been in two relationships where I was dating the wrong women - women who were more interested in appearing "normal" and having a "nice guy" then actually caring about me as a person and wanting to build a relationship with ME.

 

To your point, the real "NEEDY"/clingy people are those who constantly want to be joined at the hip - but again it will manifest itself in different ways. As the one poster said, you sit them down, describe the behavior, explain how it makes you feel, present and alternative and see what happens.

 

Life is too short to not have relationships built on trust and to be in ones where there isn't real love & affection.

[seekingluck]

We all have different needs and expectations. For me, I can't handle clingy people. Friendship or otherwise. It is a turn off for me. I find relationships work best when we have similar expectations for communication/contact frequency and contact type.

 

I am not great at verbal affirmation. It isn't my style. I am more of a toucher. So having compatible styles/love languages is critical.

[Strahatmak]

What are needy and clingy to you?

 

Everyone is different; I'm asked not to be "needy" when I was only seeking for more communications - just asking for more than 3 emoji texts convo from someone's busy social life.

 

Do you know what a real clingy is? When my ex kept on texting me when I was at work and sent follow up texts if I couldn't answer it because I was in a meeting or urgent stuffs. He video called me at least twice daily after I was home from work, one right after I first stepped into my house, and another one after I had my dinner and shower, and this one lasted until 1 am. He demanded me to report where I went and who I was hanging out with. He kept texting me when I was hangout with my friends or coworkers. I wasn't being assertive enough to stop him. There was nothing I could do to reinsure his insecurity. Now stop telling me that I have no idea how a needy person acts like.

 

For a more normal person, communication is the only way. Be firm that you aren't accepting the needy actions. Learn the reason behind this neediness. Accommodate each other but also be firm on what you will do and you won't do. However if it is related to emotional issue, then it is therapist's job.

[LookAtThisPOst]

You know, I think whatever is considered "needy" is a matter of perspective. Where I live, and perhaps it has to do with rural/suburban living. I used to work at a place where there were couples, both married or living together, that were weirdly up their arses all the time. Some apparently in constant honeymoon status.

 

They'd come to work at the same building as a couple, go to lunch as a couple, come home as a couple....and guess what there's no one to come HOME to because they are together 24/7.

 

If you were to see these people, you'd think there's a level of unhealthy co-dependency, but....they BOTH are into it.

 

Their level of clingyenss is quite normal for them though would be considered quite disturbing to outside onlookers.

 

Couples in my area are okay with having their sig. others/spouses joined to them at the hip.

[undercover_lover]

You know, I think whatever is considered "needy" is a matter of perspective. Where I live, and perhaps it has to do with rural/suburban living. I used to work at a place where there were couples, both married or living together, that were weirdly up their arses all the time. Some apparently in constant honeymoon status.

 

They'd come to work at the same building as a couple, go to lunch as a couple, come home as a couple....and guess what there's no one to come HOME to because they are together 24/7.

 

If you were to see these people, you'd think there's a level of unhealthy co-dependency, but....they BOTH are into it.

 

Their level of clingyenss is quite normal for them though would be considered quite disturbing to outside onlookers.

 

Couples in my area are okay with having their sig. others/spouses joined to them at the hip.

 

I feel like you are describing my relationship. I have met people that don't get our dynamic and I I probably wouldn't get theirs. It's about finding someone that is compatible and feels the same as you.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I feel like you are describing my relationship. I have met people that don't get our dynamic and I I probably wouldn't get theirs. It's about finding someone that is compatible and feels the same as you.

 

Right...I envy them sometimes, and I actually seek that kind of relationship, but it's rare to find a woman who has this mutual way of thinking.

 

I mean you'd THINK this would have gone away with the honey moon face, but wierdly it doesn't with some.

 

I know this couple that works in the same building have been together for 7 years, lived together for 5, and they are always making sexual innuendos to each other on Facebook and of course you can see it...co-workers that are friends of theirs on FB can see it. It kind of gets out of hand,but I think they get off on letting people know how into each other they are.

 

I'm like "Get a room". I had to end up stopping following them it got so bad.

 

But most times, I run into women that cannot even stand a modicum of what THEY consider "clingy". Usually it's the more independent, career driven types that will hang with you only when it's convenient to them...usually they aren't into any man and see them more as an accessory as someone they can be really into. At most, a FWB set-up.

 

I mean, I'm sometimes afraid to come off as being needy when getting to know a woman, then I witness THESE couples that are up each other's arses all the time I just mentioned and I'm like "If I did that, I'd be given the LAUNCH!" lol

[undercover_lover]

Right...I envy them sometimes, and I actually seek that kind of relationship, but it's rare to find a woman who has this mutual way of thinking.

 

I mean you'd THINK this would have gone away with the honey moon face, but wierdly it doesn't with some.

 

I know this couple that works in the same building have been together for 7 years, lived together for 5, and they are always making sexual innuendos to each other on Facebook and of course you can see it...co-workers that are friends of theirs on FB can see it. It kind of gets out of hand,but I think they get off on letting people know how into each other they are.

 

I'm like "Get a room". I had to end up stopping following them it got so bad.

 

But most times, I run into women that cannot even stand a modicum of what THEY consider "clingy". Usually it's the more independent, career driven types that will hang with you only when it's convenient to them...usually they aren't into any man and see them more as an accessory as someone they can be really into. At most, a FWB set-up.

 

I mean, I'm sometimes afraid to come off as being needy when getting to know a woman, then I witness THESE couples that are up each other's arses all the time I just mentioned and I'm like "If I did that, I'd be given the LAUNCH!" lol

 

Wow, they seems pretty extreme! There must be some kind of gradient to it because it would be really creepy if you were only dating someone for a short time and they started laying it on thick. My situation is that my boyfriend of 10 years has become my best friend. We are always together when we aren't working. And I know a lot of our friends probably cringe seeing how much time we spend together. Then again we all have our definition of what "clingy" is us. And it isn't even "clingy" if you both agree to it!

[rocketman122]

my ex needed a lot of attention and I had I loved giving it to her. so no issue for me. we spoke 3-5 times a day and texting in between. no issue at all.

shed get crazy if an hour passed by if she sent a text and I didnt answer because either I was driving or shooting a wedding. but no issue giving affection and attention all the time. it worked well for us. or not since were not together now.

 

 

completely different from other relationships where I would talk to them once a day on the phone and a text here and there. I prefer more contact then less.

[smackie9]

I did once....he turned into an abusive ass hole.

[joseb]

my ex needed a lot of attention and I had I loved giving it to her. so no issue for me. we spoke 3-5 times a day and texting in between. no issue at all.

shed get crazy if an hour passed by if she sent a text and I didnt answer

 

.

 

That's a huge issue in my opinion. You gotta nip that stuff on the bud.

[almond]

I have never been in a relationship with someone that I'd describe as "needy" or "clingy," and it's one of my deal breakers. The 24/7 reassurance needed outlined in the original post is something I'd run a mile from.

 

I need someone independently happy, and with a full and engaging life of their own.

[Popsicle]

If I'm physically attracted to the guy, I LOVE when they are like this. I even prefer it and seek it out.

 

If I'm not physically attracted to him, then I hate it.

[katiegrl]

That's a huge issue in my opinion. You gotta nip that stuff on the bud.

 

It would be an issue for you joseb, because YOU are not needy and clingy. You are more independent, requiring more *space* ....as do I and a lot of people.

 

It worked in rocketman's relationship because it appears they were both needy and clingy, with HER being the driving force. Apparently he enjoyed it, which is fine IMO.

 

If he were NOT as needy and clingy as she was, there would be no way he would be *good* with it though. He would feel suffocated, stifled as would most people who were more independent.

 

IMO, needy and clingy is fine as long as BOTH people are needy and clingy.

 

If one person is and the other is not, there are gonna be major problems, the major one being the non-clingy person feeling suffocated and boxed in....among other things.

 

But as long as they are both on the same page with respect to the amount of space each of them require (like rocketman and his ex) don't see how it would be an issue he (or she) would need to "nip in the bud." It worked for them! :)

 

To each his own, right?

Edited September 5, 2015 by katiegrl

[joseb]

I get what you are saying katie, but i also think that its kind of ridiculous for a grown man to have to respond to texts within an hour to avoid a meltdown. Ive worked as a photog and i know how much pressure it can be without having to deal with that. I think even though he thinks its not an issue, subconsciously it would be.

Though as you say, its hard for someone like me to understand how people are that clingy so maybe im wrong.

[katiegrl]

I get what you are saying katie, but i also think that its kind of ridiculous for a grown man to have to respond to texts within an hour to avoid a meltdown. Ive worked as a photog and i know how much pressure it can be without having to deal with that. I think even though he thinks its not an issue, subconsciously it would be.

Though as you say, its hard for someone like me to understand how people are that clingy so maybe im wrong.

 

I would be curious to know why they broke up. If it was due to trust issues and insecurity (hers).

 

Because yeah having a meltdown if he did not respond back within the hour does seem rather obsessive....but perhaps he is the *savior* type, who enjoys feeling really needed in his relationships .... which I would imagine would become rather draining after awhile...but who knows.

 

I don't know rocketman though, so only speculating.

Edited September 5, 2015 by katiegrl

[rocketman122]

That's a huge issue in my opinion. You gotta nip that stuff on the bud.

 

 

you may be right buddy, but it depends to who. bad childhood issues from both of us. but for me and her it was fine. I didnt mind. I try to love unconditionally.

 

its just that she was blind to see how much I was in love with her.

[LookAtThisPOst]

If I'm physically attracted to the guy, I LOVE when they are like this. I even prefer it and seek it out.

 

If I'm not physically attracted to him, then I hate it.

 

So, you just lead him on? If you "weren't attracted" you wouldn't be even dating him now would you?

[Popsicle]

So, you just lead him on? If you "weren't attracted" you wouldn't be even dating him now would you?

 

No I wouldn't.

[salparadise]

I would just add that an expectation of attention is not the same as neediness. Neediness is a constant (or too frequent) need for reassurance and overt validation to quell feelings of insecurity or anxiety. Attention is one aspect of what healthy, secure people reasonably expect in a relationship. The line between the two may not be easily defined, but the overall feeling is quite different.

 

For example, let's say my significant other sends a "good morning" text when I am at work. I'm in a meeting and can't text back immediately. I text back a few hours later and say, hey, how's your day? A secure person doesn't give it a second thought, but a needy person may have become anxious and demand an explanation as if you must justify not responding immediately.

Edited September 5, 2015 by salparadise