Sudden 5 day no contact break?!?

[Hyperfocal]

So I've been dating a lady for 9 wks, we are 36. We see each other 3x a week, and 4x a day daily contact + activities. Her only stated complaint is that I am emotionally reserved (I am, and I am improving per her statements).

 

Last night she made sleepover plans over the phone w/me. Nothing I said (or have ever to her) was rude/offensive. She then without a change in voice or emotion says "You know lets skip the sleepover, I am a bit offended, lets reconvene Monday after I get some time to think." She stated that I had perceived her as an emotional person, thus I do not respect her. Truth= I really didn't go there, I was being sympathetic to her day, yet her complaint was not extractable from my words. One possible cause, I had said I'd looked at homes closer to her for career reasons (said I won't buy anything soon, etc) She was cold on that one but got over it, sure if I was picking a place to mover her into at this point= friction, but that's not what I did.

 

Just an hour earlier, and for 9 weeks it has been constant contact, gleeful at both ends. We have 4 days left of this. She is of great interest to me, INFJ type, a delight most of the time, but a couple of times she was irritable. I am respecting the nc, and bugging off.

 

I ask: Is this sort of no-contact sudden claim over a misunderstanding of limited value really something to try to "Think," or a canned dumping strategy. What benefit do time-outs offer us? What should I concentrate on? Like a kid in detention...

 

On Mon, when we resume contact, shall I be a bit confident and portray a lightly wounded functional person, or shall I take the emotional wounded and forgiving person route? Truth is I am functional, I am able to be OK, yet this is hitting me a bit hard.

 

Any thoughts about a commitment fear, push-pull at her end, what to expect if so? She had a rough live-in that ended around 9 months back, a little wounded herself, yet she has taken constructive steps to put her life together, for which I am proud. She is a bit involved in self-help practices, books, meditation, is it possible that some of this good content has manifested as an over-defensiveness to her which becomes a problem; i.e. the slightest mis-statement is a "Disrespect." I dunno.

 

Thanks, I need an outside clue right now !

[usernametaken]

After 9 weeks, you should be at a point where you can discuss why you offended her apart from her one-line reason.

 

There has to be more to the story. Care to elaborate?

[Gary S]

I hate to say this, but it sounds like she dropped you. She can't love you much if she already is complaining about your personality. And women who love you don't break dates.

 

If they don't love you after two months, they probably never will.

[Versacehottie]

Little high-strung, sensitive and bad at communication. That said, it's often remarkable what guys don't realize that they did or said wrong. Guaranteed she thinks (rightly or wrongly) that it's obvious.

 

Make her communicate better with you. My guess is you probably both can improve in that area so this doesn't keep happening. If you are exclusive or bf/gf, I don't know that I would allow the 5 day ban. She can't banish you like that. Too one-sided. She at least should allow the full conversation to be discussed and then make agree to take a 5 day mutual break from each other.

[Redhead14]

So I've been dating a lady for 9 wks, we are 36. We see each other 3x a week, and 4x a day daily contact + activities. Her only stated complaint is that I am emotionally reserved (I am, and I am improving per her statements).

 

Last night she made sleepover plans over the phone w/me. Nothing I said (or have ever to her) was rude/offensive. She then without a change in voice or emotion says "You know lets skip the sleepover, I am a bit offended, lets reconvene Monday after I get some time to think." She stated that I had perceived her as an emotional person, thus I do not respect her. Truth= I really didn't go there, I was being sympathetic to her day, yet her complaint was not extractable from my words. One possible cause, I had said I'd looked at homes closer to her for career reasons (said I won't buy anything soon, etc) She was cold on that one but got over it, sure if I was picking a place to mover her into at this point= friction, but that's not what I did.

 

Just an hour earlier, and for 9 weeks it has been constant contact, gleeful at both ends. We have 4 days left of this. She is of great interest to me, INFJ type, a delight most of the time, but a couple of times she was irritable. I am

respecting the nc, and bugging off.

 

I ask: Is this sort of no-contact sudden claim over a misunderstanding of

limited value really something to try to "Think," or a canned dumping strategy.

What benefit do time-outs offer us? What should I concentrate on? Like a

kid in detention...

 

On Mon, when we resume contact, shall I be a bit confident and portray a lightly wounded functional person, or shall I take the emotional wounded and

forgiving person route? Truth is I am functional, I am able to be OK, yet this

is hitting me a bit hard.

 

Any thoughts about a commitment fear, push-pull at her end, what to expect if so? She had a rough live-in that ended around 9 months back, a little wounded herself, yet she has taken constructive steps to put her life together,

for which I am proud. She is a bit involved in self-help practices, books,

meditation, is it possible that some of this good content has manifested as an

over-defensiveness to her which becomes a problem; i.e. the slightest mis-

statement is a "Disrespect." I dunno.

 

Thanks, I need an outside clue right now !

 

That is a complete and total overreaction. And, she is an emotional, reactionary woman. It would be ok to say "hey, I'm a little upset right now, can I call you back in half an hour?". But 5 days over something you said that she read into, is disrespectful and a punishment in my opinion.

 

This is typical response from a person with fear of intimacy, but I would need a little more information about her. What is her relationship history with family and romantic partners? How many, length and cause of ending them?

[Hyperfocal]

Ahh, so we went exclusive after 8 days or so. She is very sweet and loving normally, there is clinical depression/anxiety at her end. I find her to be one of the few who treats that dep-anxiety in a multifaceted manner (effective meds, yoga, meditation, 2 friend groups, reading) she really does everything creative and right, thus allowing her symptoms to be minimal. When she's been off (forgot pills, mix of stress causes) it's never delusional, but arrogant, so rare I deal with it, no biggie.

 

There has to be more to the story. Care to elaborate?

Sure. Me: "I hear what you say, emotions are like a bell curve I am a bit left and improving, you are either central or a bit right. Since we are both not defiantly at the extremes I think we are in a good place to accept and improve. You know I've had some very emotional and in some cases broken friends, I appreciate them, comparatively you emotion is healthy."

 

Her (after a bit): "Offended about the bell curve talk... do you feel you are better than emotional people, I feel disrespected? Are you comparing me to them? (some people I've mentored who are emotional and indeed troubled)

 

Me: Re-state with clarity... and "No I am not better than emotional people, you are not emotionally excessive, your normally just right. You feel I am unemotional, and I admit my past, yet you should know, even my eyes leak from time to time."

 

Her: "Oh don't cry (I didn't on the phone), nothing like this, we'll reconvene on Monday. A small part of this might be me, having come out of a rough relationship..."

 

Summary: Some statements by her suggested this is not the end, just time off. Nothing I said or implied was outside of the lines of understanding that I am improving, and have been emo distant, and I am thankful for her role in my life. Wow, the whole disrespect think gets me in a loop.

[Redhead14]

I forgot to answer your question about how to react when you do reconnect. You should not be critical or standoffish. If she does have a fear of intimacy, she does this kind of thing as an automatic response to stress about even a perceived attempt at closeness or feeling that she is being pressured in some way towards a committed relationship -- you did mention housing closer for her, yes? It self soothing basically. Since we do not know for sure that's what you are dealing with, its best to err on the side of caution. Otherwise, I would tell you to call her on the carpet for it. Anyway, let her talk first. And respond accordingly. Don't apologize for anything. You do not know what you are apologizing for.

[Hyperfocal]

This is typical response from a person with fear of intimacy, but I would need a little more information about her. What is her relationship history with family and romantic partners? How many, length and cause of ending them?

 

Thanks Redhead, and you share my thoughts re fear of intimacy. So her: Very accomplished career, has moved approx 4 times in her life for career reasons. She had a 3 year live in BF, got attached to his son, breakup was rough, so she moved 1000 miles to add distance and a new job. She has a lot of beauty, caring, intelligence, charm, and simplicity in her life. Her emotional times are very sporadic, if this was every day I'd run now. She has made statements about her fidelity, a fellow hit on her recently, told me, all that which is really not in my "Need to know," but hey. And this break is not defined to see other people, it is clearly an alone time break.

[Oregon_Dude]

You may be dating a woman who is emotionally abusive. If you feel like you're dealing with emotional crazymaking - not sure what you did wrong, afraid to make the "wrong" move - you are likely right.

 

Pay attention to your gut feeling. This woman may be lots of trouble and bad for you.

[Redhead14]

Ahh, so we went exclusive after 8 days or so. She is very sweet and loving normally, there is clinical depression/anxiety at her end. I find her to be one of the few who treats that dep-anxiety in a multifaceted manner (effective meds, yoga, meditation, 2 friend groups, reading) she really does everything creative and right, thus allowing her symptoms to be minimal. When she's been off (forgot pills, mix of stress causes) it's never delusional, but arrogant, so rare I deal with it, no biggie.

 

 

Sure. Me: "I hear what you say, emotions are like a bell curve I am a bit left and improving, you are either central or a bit right. Since we are both not defiantly at the extremes I think we are in a good place to accept and improve. You know I've had some very emotional and in some cases broken friends, I appreciate them, comparatively you emotion is healthy."

 

Her (after a bit): "Offended about the bell curve talk... do you feel you are better than emotional people, I feel disrespected? Are you comparing me to them? (some people I've mentored who are emotional and indeed troubled)

 

Me: Re-state with clarity... and "No I am not better than emotional people, you are not emotionally excessive, your normally just right. You feel I am unemotional, and I admit my past, yet you should know, even my eyes leak from time to time."

 

Her: "Oh don't cry (I didn't on the phone), nothing like this, we'll reconvene on Monday. A small part of this might be me, having come out of a rough relationship.."

 

Summary: Some statements by her suggested this is not the end, just time off. Nothing I said or implied was outside of the lines of understanding that I am improving, and have been emo distant, and I am thankful for her role in my life. Wow, the whole disrespect think gets me in a loop.

 

Oh, this sheds new light. She was trying to manage your emotions and diffusing the conversation before it became complicated by her projecting past experience into the situation as well. That isn't really a bad thing, but 5 days is a little too much. Nevertheless, respect it and when you do reconvene, be accepting and let her talk first. Let her explain what's going on with her.

[Hyperfocal]

I have been considering getting 1-2 appointments with a couples counselor. 9 weeks in is a bit early, but they can get questions answered more directly than I could; and get to the bottom of things that would not be clear if I asked, eh? It is a bit over the top to do this, maybe later, but getting a professional view of where our issues lie will likely give her (and I) a better stance to accept-change our lackings.

[Oregon_Dude]

I have been considering getting 1-2 appointments with a couples counselor. 9 weeks in is a bit early

Just my opinion, but if you are considering these measures at such an early stage, you two are already struggling, and it's way too much effort for something that's been going on for 9 weeks. I advise to give it One Big Convo, and if it's not productive, go your separate ways.

[Redhead14]

Thanks Redhead, and you share my thoughts re fear of intimacy. So her: Very accomplished career, has moved approx 4 times in her life for career reasons. She had a 3 year live in BF, got attached to his son, breakup was rough, so she moved 1000 miles to add distance and a new job. She has a lot of beauty, caring, intelligence, charm, and simplicity in her life. Her emotional times are very sporadic, if this was every day I'd run now. She has made statements about her fidelity, a fellow hit on her recently, told me, all that which is really not in my "Need to know," but hey. And this break is not defined to see other people, it is clearly an alone time break.

 

The things you mention above would not be the source for a fear of intimacy. Fear of intimacy begins in childhoof generally. It can begin in adulthood if there has been significant trauma, sexual, physical or emotional.

 

The other thing I would say is that things are moving pretty quickly between you two, so you may want to pace things differently.

 

Fir, now, deal with whats on the plate, which is reconvening on Monday and go from there. Let her talk first as I've said. She called the time out, let her restart the clock.

[Hyperfocal]

Oregon, you are factually correct. But those of us involved as you might imagine, get drowned in, we get attached, you know. And when she is not upset times are great, enough that I consider continuing this. Little history, I was married 14 years, it was hell, abusive, and I got out, I have about zero dating experience, yea weird, that is life.

 

I also am curious why I am taking this so hard? Normally I deal with misfortunes, this one is strong!

 

It can begin in adulthood if there has been significant trauma, sexual, physical or emotional.

Yea her ex was emotionally abusive, manuipulative so I hear from her. That and being she broke up 9 months back could be contributing I reckon. Her parents are solid, dad is excellent, and one sister is good, one is rough. Edited September 2, 2015 by Hyperfocal

[ExpatInItaly]

I have been considering getting 1-2 appointments with a couples counselor. 9 weeks in is a bit early, but they can get questions answered more directly than I could; and get to the bottom of things that would not be clear if I asked, eh? It is a bit over the top to do this, maybe later, but getting a professional view of where our issues lie will likely give her (and I) a better stance to accept-change our lackings.

 

9 weeks of dating and you are thinking couples therapy?

 

Way too soon for that, in my blunt opinion. I would be extremely cautious moving forward with this woman. I have a feeling this is only the first of many speedbumps.

[Gary S]

9 weeks of dating and you are thinking couples therapy?

 

Way too soon for that, in my blunt opinion. I would be extremely cautious moving forward with this woman. I have a feeling this is only the first of many speedbumps.

 

- Exactly.......if she's arguing with you like that at two months, she either has an attitude problem or is not into you. If everything were going well, you two should be headed into the honeymoon phase of the relationship by now, not arguing and splitting up.

[Redhead14]

I have been considering getting 1-2 appointments with a couples counselor. 9 weeks in is a bit early, but they can get questions answered more directly than I could; and get to the bottom of things that would not be clear if I asked, eh? It is a bit over the top to do this, maybe later, but getting a professional view of where our issues lie will likely give her (and I) a better stance to accept-change our lackings.

 

Do not suggest this to her. That will be an overreaction from you. That entirely too "personal" at this point.

[Redhead14]

Hyperfocal, your screename suits you . You are hyper focused on all this right now. And don't project too far into the future here. Don't get into her head anymore now. Reconvene on Monday and take things one day at a time.

 

You are stressing because you are afraid that she is abandoning you. But that doesn't appear to be the case. There is a set time limit on this. If she said, "hey, I need space/a break without being specific about length, then you might need to worry.

[Oregon_Dude]

To use a well-worn cliche:

 

it's not you. It's her.

 

End this thing. It's not fun, overall; you've dealt with emotional abuse before; and she has all the power.

 

Take yours back.

[Redhead14]

To use a well-worn cliche:

 

it's not you. It's her.

 

End this thing. It's not fun, overall; you've dealt with emotional abuse before; and she has all the power.

 

Take yours back.

 

There is no indication of emotional abuse. She was ckear about why she wanted the break and a specific date for reconnecting and what she was feeling. It becomes emotional abuse when the person simply cuts the partner off without eplanation and indefinitely and says or says its about the relationship specifically. In this case, i do agree that 5 days is too much, however, she is doing the right thing, but a little bit the wrong way.

[Redhead14]

I think part of the problem is that you are ahead of her in the dating process. You are thinking and operating as if you were further along.

[Hyperfocal]

Hyperfocal, your screename suits you . You are hyper focused on all this right now. And don't project too far into the future here. Don't get into her head anymore now. Reconvene on Monday and take things one day at a time.

Yea, really! When I was 12 I approached dad, told him I wanted to move to CO, and find a wife, I had ten years, I wanted to plan it right. Something about full planning with some flexibility is in my nature. The first 40 seconds with this woman was a scope into the next 40 years, not ideal, but that's me unchecked.

 

I think part of the problem is that you are ahead of her in the dating process. You are thinking and operating as if you were further along.

OK, we do not express "I love you," but have a lot of emails we've written in the 1 page length that ended xoxo, fondly, etc. by her. So be it, I am not in a hurry, am cautious, but want to do what's right for me. She was rather sexually into me by date 5, very physically and intellectually attracted to me by her admission and actions. Is her taking charge for sex possible in a woman with an attachment problem? She really wanted it, and I did to, I am just more reserved in getting horny (2nd partner for me). Emotionally I am at this fork where I know I am OK for some of society, but had a past as a hermit of sorts that was too emotionally reserved and was not ideal.

 

Ahhh, so I think it best to use my 3 day weekend with exercise activities, that is what I do when I am struggling. Can't koop in here playing with the cat the whole time. Thanks.

 

End this thing. It's not fun, overall; you've dealt with emotional abuse before; and she has all the power.

Oregon, there is a fair chance you are right, that her relational prowess will turn into a monster worth splitting, I'll give her her Monday, play it by ear... But not completely rule out what you are saying either. I have a handful of local women showing interest, they are safe, a little boring, not exciting. This lady is better, high risk-high reward, just like investments falling on a chart. Edited September 2, 2015 by Hyperfocal

[edgygirl]

I'm really into Myers Briggs. I think it explains TONS about people and their relationships and reactions. INFJs are really sensitive... they pick up things in the air... even in your tone of voice. Things most people don't even notice.

 

I dated an INFJ earlier this year, probably the first one I met in my life. He was a little sensitive and irritable over petty stuff as well.

 

He was super into me, pursuing me for weeks, and one day, poof, he disappeared.

 

What type are you?

[edgygirl]

Also, please, go to the INFJ group at facebook or to personalitycafe.com and ask about it there. Most people who are not into MBTI won't understand her reactions and just discard her as crazy and emotional. Deep down you know she's not, but you can't pinpoint why she got so offended.

 

INFJs are a special kind, they're the most difficult type to understand in my opinion and yet they're fascinating and extremely special. I am NF too, ENFP, and I am also sensitive, so I get that kind of woman.

 

Go ask the right people who can respond to the point

[Hyperfocal]

Thanks for the thoughts so far, so an update.

 

I get texted this evening from her, a smidgen earlier than deadline with a "How are you? Thinking of you," We exchange a slightly muted, but still cheerful series of texts, ~20 of them, about our respective weeks.

 

I shared a card I wrote her, and things settle down to she wants to come to my house for lunch tomorrow with the following "...goal is to allow our hearts to decide what happens over the next stages for our rel., not our minds or bodies."

 

The closing texts were even more warm and loving.

 

So here is the enigma, sure I can accept a "no sex," meeting to cool off and evaluate, no problem, but the language of it, so formal, so strategic. I maintain my position: my heart has strong feelings for her, they are just not trusted or perceived completely by her (she believes I lacked or lack emotion). Any advice as to how to handle things tomorrow? Anyone ever heard anything like it?

 

Whew!