Gorgeous girl, feeling meh though

[umirano]

We're dating for four months. She's pretty and rather smart. She's also not from here and will be done with her studies in February and likely move away from here for her career. I'm well established here, I could probably easily find a job in other countries if I can obtain a work permit. Staying together is theoretically possible.

 

I'm not sure about the long-term perspectives though. She has a mean streak and is at the same time very sensitive. So much that when I don't show the right amount of affection she'll turn around and go home from a date night. I also don't trust her as much with my feelings as I did with previous partners. That's probably because of her sometimes blunt / mean attitude. It's difficult to talk to her. She also tells me how I feel a lot. "you're mad!" when I'm not. This annoys me.

 

We've been on a holiday together, which was difficult too. She invited a guy friend along and I clashed with her sister.

 

My gut tells me we're not going to be a couple in a year. I like her a lot though. She's very intelligent (which makes fighting with her a frustrating experience) and we share a lot of our world views. The sex is good too.

 

Feelings are meh, the logistics of the relationship are going to be a headache, physical attraction is great. I haven't had the butterflies really with her. She told me she loves me. It's hard to believe sometimes. I've said it back but it doesn't feel right.

 

What do I do? Will feelings come back?

[Timshel]

You have answered your own questions, of course. Enjoy for what this is for you and only for what you already know that it is.

[Gary S]

She has a mean streak and is at the same time very sensitive. So much that when I don't show the right amount of affection she'll turn around and go home from a date night.

 

- What happens when you don't show enough affection, specifically? You mean if you don't initiate affection? Or do you push her away when she initiates? Please elaborate and tell the whole story.

[umirano]

You have answered your own questions, of course. Enjoy for what this is for you and only for what you already know that it is.

 

You sound like the oracle in Matrix ;-) do you think we'll be more compatible if we stick it through?

 

- What happens when you don't show enough affection, specifically? You mean if you don't initiate affection? Or do you push her away when she initiates? Please elaborate and tell the whole story.

 

I do initiate a lot of affection. And I never turn her down.

 

 

I like her, I'm inclined to see where it's going until February.

[Yummm]

Question, why would you tell her you love her if you don't?

[umirano]

Question, why would you tell her you love her if you don't?

 

I do. I feel more for her than mere friendship. I said it back because

• I didn't want to make it awkward
  
• I feltvwe were getting really close
  

 

That being said, I've felt love a lot stronger previously. It's both good and bad. It's bad because it makes me question the strength of my feelings and in turn of the relationship. It's good because it's more serious and less infatuation and love craziness.

[Timshel]

You sound like the oracle in Matrix ;-) do you think we'll be more compatible if we stick it through?

 

 

 

I do initiate a lot of affection. And I never turn her down.

 

 

I like her, I'm inclined to see where it's going until February.

 

Gee, thanks. No, I do not think you will become more compatible over time. I think the beginning is the easiest part. It is ok to have some tension, flexing and adjusting for awhile but what gets a couple to the next level is an inexplicable compatibility and attraction.

 

I don't really mean physical attraction, though that is important.....more an inherent kinship of spirits. It doesn't seem from what you have said that you are experiencing a connection.

 

It sounds more like you are pleased that you are able to maintain an emotional distance and therefore, control. So, you are aware of this. Maybe it's what you need right now. Anyway, you will both learn a lot from each other, even if it's to know better what you don't want or need, conflict resolution and how to get through dinner and car rides with the one you luuvs.

 

Go with it, you do seem to want to, just no rings or babies.

[umirano]

Question, why would you tell her you love her if you don't?

 

I love her but I'm not (yet?) in love with her.

[Gary S]

At four months in, you two should be in the honeymoon phase of the relationship by now.

 

Instead, she complains you don't give her enough affection, yet you never turn her down.....you also say she's mean and moody.

 

She's crazy. Just because they are beautiful and breathing does not mean they are good relationship material.

[xcupid]

There are red flags here - she can be mean, you don't trust her with your feelings, and your feelings are only so-so for her. Listen to your gut.

[umirano]

Thanks for your replies. We're doing fine now. I still have no feeling of stability though. No soulmate vibration whatsoever. We agree on almost everything but there's no deep connection. Our conversation is "dry" or technical often...

 

Maybe we just both like being in a relationship.

 

Sometimes there's just silence after I said something where I'd usually expect a partner to confirm or dispute. It feels like she doesn't want to be in disagreement or as if she doesn't want to give away what she truly thinks. This will be a problem in the relationship.

 

I have decided to open up less and calm things down. Interestingly she's told me that she "can't read me" all though I think I'm usually quite open with my feelings. Maybe she senses that I'm somewhat unconvinced?

 

Maybe she's just a lot less emotional than my previous partners and I am not used to it yet.

 

She is all over the place with her plans and I believe that is why I am doubtful. I don't believe she knows what she is going to do and she could be leaving next month but she's somewhat dishonest about it bc whenever I bring up her / our future she says she's not worried at all.

 

Should I pin point her and ask for an actionable plan? I am kind of worried about bringing this inconsistency up but I also think that is why I feel that I'm in a limbo.

 

I could just push it aside and see what is going to happen. I'm really curious though and I am still not sure just passively waiting it out is an honest sensible approach. I feel like I am putting myself through a lot of uncertainty just to not stir the pond.

 

From a girl's side, what is the expectation? To just go with the flow and not panic? What do you think why she's seemingly completely unfazed by the prospect of either going into an LDR, breaking up or having to sit down and do some serious planning?

[smackie9]

Borderline Personality Disorder. People with borderline personality disorder are unstable in several areas, including interpersonal relationships, behavior, mood, and self-image. Abrupt and extreme mood changes, stormy interpersonal relationships, an unstable and fluctuating self-image, unpredictable and self-destructive actions characterize the person with borderline personality disorder. These individuals generally have great difficulty with their own sense of identity. They often experience the world in extremes, viewing others as either “all good” or “all bad.” A person with borderline personality may form an intense personal attachment with someone only to quickly dissolve it over a perceived slight. Fears of abandonment may lead to an excessive dependency on others. Self-mutilation or recurrent suicidal gestures may be used to get attention or manipulate others. Impulsive actions, chronic feelings of boredom or emptiness, and bouts of intense inappropriate anger are other traits of this disorder, which is more common among females