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You look like a woman that plays with men's feelings?


Gaeta

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This nice man and I started exchanging online and it was fun and natural. Then he said he was looking for someone serious, someone to spend the rest of his life with. He asked if I was serious and of course I said YES I am serious - Too bad I could not add I got a whole online forum able to confirm it !!

 

Then he said he cannot pin point why but I come across as a woman that plays with men's feelings and added he apologize for being forward but he's really looking for someone serious.

 

WHAT ??

 

Of course I asked what gave him that feeling. He said I said nothing wrong it's a just a vibe.

 

Is it possible I am too bubbly? too upbeat or something?

 

I'm the one who contacted him and I made a joke and he thought I was pretty funny.

 

Are bubbly funny women not seen as serious?

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Versacehottie

My read on that:

 

Too sexy. Too attention seeking. Attention given is not specific to him and because he earned it. Too emotional. Could be picking up on a vibe that says there will be drama ahead. Highs and lows rather than steady, stable. Just a my two cents.

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This nice man and I started exchanging online and it was fun and natural. Then he said he was looking for someone serious, someone to spend the rest of his life with. He asked if I was serious and of course I said YES I am serious - Too bad I could not add I got a whole online forum able to confirm it !!

 

Then he said he cannot pin point why but I come across as a woman that plays with men's feelings and added he apologize for being forward but he's really looking for someone serious.

 

WHAT ??

 

Of course I asked what gave him that feeling. He said I said nothing wrong it's a just a vibe.

 

Is it possible I am too bubbly? too upbeat or something?

 

I'm the one who contacted him and I made a joke and he thought I was pretty funny.

 

Are bubbly funny women not seen as serious?

 

 

Its projection.

 

Let him own it.

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Then he said he cannot pin point why but I come across as a woman that plays with men's feelings and added he apologize for being forward but he's really looking for someone serious.

 

Why would you ever say that to someone you're trying to meet?

 

Don't try and plead your case, Gaeta, you're FINE. Funny and bubbly women can be just as seriously-intentioned when it comes to relationships. I don't understand the corollary in this man's mind.

 

Please, just no. This could be the start of something bad. Based on just this comment, it seems as if he has a very narrow definition of what a woman who wants a serious relationship should be like. He should be disabused of this notion, but don't volunteer to be the one to do it.

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gaeta, I would not fixate on what one guy says..... there is a saying......you can't please all the people all the time......plus, there are crazy people out there.

 

When you are doing things right, a lot of the crazies will do your work for you, and weed themselves out.

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I'm not sure why bubbly and funny would equal someone who plays with men's feelings. :confused:

 

I don't know what he's projecting onto you - unresolved feelings about an ex, unresolved feelings about himself, or what - but the bottom line is that this sort of thing should be met with a "well, it's been nice chatting with you, good luck in life and goodbye".

 

Statements like that from a stranger should be an automatic next. If he's just being honest (albeit wrongheaded and a poor judge of character) then it's not your job to convince him of anything, and you could drive yourself mad trying. And if he's baiting you/negging you (always a possibility) then you definitely don't want to go down that rabbit hole. Either way, it's a cruel thing to say. As Satu said, let him own it.

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Versacehottie

Oh yeah I would say it seems kinda like it could be a "line" or letting you know HE likes drama. I wouldn't be pushing for a date with him because somewhat of a mistake for him to say that---unnecessary, why not wait until you meet in person or just drop off rather than critique you?

 

However, if he didn't have sleezy side to him, I would examine what he could possibly have been referring to since it will benefit you going forward. You don't have to put a ton of weight or focus on it but some self-reflection could be good. Learn from everything is what I believe in. It's good to say "nothing's wrong with you" to not break down your confidence but on the other hand, no one is perfect and there can be things to improve on if they keep coming up. I'm assuming if you are posting it here you want semi-unbiased opinions of what could be going on.

 

I do think you seem to get guys constantly leading with the sex aspect toward you. To me, his statement could be yet another indicator that there is something you are doing (overly flirty nature possibly) or in your photos that gives that impression.

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Why would you ever say that to someone you're trying to meet?

 

Don't try and plead your case, Gaeta, you're FINE. Funny and bubbly women can be just as seriously-intentioned when it comes to relationships. I don't understand the corollary in this man's mind.

 

Please, just no. This could be the start of something bad. Based on just this comment, it seems as if he has a very narrow definition of what a woman who wants a serious relationship should be like. He should be disabused of this notion, but don't volunteer to be the one to do it.

 

Maybe he met a lot of lady-player and he made an association between playful and manipulative.

 

I didn't flirt or tease. I never do that online because it would send the wrong message.

 

I have to re-read that conversation. He had to pick that up on something.

 

I am not that worried about him saying this but I am very curious to look into it. It would explain why I attract players no?

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I don't think I have enough information to say, but my first thought was that maybe you come off as being "smooth," calculated or strategic in your words (due to experience?). If you're being yourself and doing what feels right to you then don't worry about it... if he doesn't like you for who you are then he's just eliminating himself from the competition. :) Though he did sound serious about it, he could also possibly be teasing, who knows.

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I don't think I have enough information to say, but my first thought was that maybe you come off as being "smooth," calculated or strategic in your words (due to experience?). If you're being yourself and doing what feels right to you then don't worry about it... if he doesn't like you for who you are then he's just eliminating himself from the competition. :)

 

Oh I'm smooth alright I've been online for 3 years. I do this my eyes close and fingers in my nose.

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Oh I'm smooth alright I've been online for 3 years. I do this my eyes close and fingers in my nose.

Haha, keep it up then. :D

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Don't even bother reading mails back.

He is too insecure to date you and is already attempting to make something your fault.

Move on. Don't question yourself. Don't care.

 

It fits in pretty well with Toods new thread to be honest.

Have a read.. :) x

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Person he wants to spend the rest of life with? Heh...

 

IMO, save the deep relationship stuff for in-person, and preferably not the first meeting. The online stuff should be mainly to establish basic mutual attraction and arrange a date. If the guy isn't light and flirty and topical (not relationship topical but small talk topical), next, without second thought nor care. Bzzt.

 

Like I shared in a prior thread, if it don't flow, don't go. As to the title of the thread, IMO that was either a social hack or projection. Nothing to do with you. This presumes no personal contact, and no phone calls, only text and e-mail, etc.

 

Onward!

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[/i]Then he said he cannot pin point why but I come across as a woman that plays with men's feelings and added he apologize for being forward but he's really looking for someone serious.

 

WHAT ??

 

I would agree that it is more a reflection on him. To pass negative judgement about someone based on a bit of online conversation is a red flag to me.

 

I hate to just wallow in irony, but passing a bit of judgement back on him, that is a bit of an omen for someone who might be emotionally abusive. Constantly cutting you down just to boost his own ego.

 

I would avoid.

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Ya but...........

 

He has a really good pedigree. He gave me his full name and name of company.

 

(who does that? probably someone not used to online)

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Versacehottie
Ya but...........

 

He has a really good pedigree. He gave me his full name and name of company.

 

(who does that? probably someone not used to online)

 

What? I'm not sure if I'm understanding this right. You think if someone is successful it means they don't have hang-ups? Sometimes even more so.

 

Maybe you meant something else. Did you mean you are considering going out with him? What? Come on now. How would this measure up to your standards for yourself? If you believe he's ass or out of line or messed up himself for saying that, doesn't matter if he's successful, you shouldn't go.

 

If you think it wasn't a "line" or a projection of himself as others are saying, and that he's a straight up guy, I go back to my original point that some self-reflection would be a good route. Even if you believe he's normal and that he was pointing out something he sees in you, his lack of experience with online dating doesn't negate the fact that he's already come to unflattering conclusions about you. Next.

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BlackOpsZombieGirl
This nice man and I started exchanging online and it was fun and natural. Then he said he was looking for someone serious, someone to spend the rest of his life with. He asked if I was serious and of course I said YES I am serious - Too bad I could not add I got a whole online forum able to confirm it !!

 

Regarding the part of your post highlighted in bold, at what part of the online convo did he inject this statement and his question? Hopefully it was during the middle or towards the end of the conversation.

 

The majority of a first online conversation between two people should be fun (as you said it was for you), light and casual. Talking about serious stuff - like wanting to find someone to spend the rest of your life with - should be saved for either the end of the first convo or for the next convo IMO.

 

There's nothing inherently wrong with him asking you if you're serious about looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with; but what is wrong was that he accused you of being the type of woman that "plays with mens' feelings" for some arbitrary reason. Not only that, but he placed the blame on you for something that you haven't even demonstrated during the conversation!:confused:

 

 

Then he said he cannot pin point why but I come across as a woman that plays with men's feelings and added he apologize for being forward but he's really looking for someone serious.

 

WHAT ??

 

Of course I asked what gave him that feeling. He said I said nothing wrong it's a just a vibe.

 

Is it possible I am too bubbly? too upbeat or something?

 

Omg Gaeta. "Next" this emotionally disturbed individual and MOVE ON. Even if this idiot DID 'feel a vibe', he should at least meet you for a coffee first BEFORE he makes that assumption. He even told you that you did NOT 'say anything wrong' during the online convo...:confused:

 

 

I'm the one who contacted him and I made a joke and he thought I was pretty funny.

 

Are bubbly funny women not seen as serious?

 

There's NOTHING WRONG with how 'bubbly' you were with him and there's nothing wrong with the fact that you contacted him first. He's emotionally damaged goods and seems to be extremely PARANOID! If you said 'nothing wrong' during the convo (as he has stated), then WHAT on earth could you have possibly said or done to "give him the VIBE" that you're a player?:rolleyes:

 

It's almost as if he's already gaslighting you...you guys aren't even in a relationship yet - and he's already making YOU think that YOU'RE the one giving off a 'vibe' that you're a player - when you've done NO such thing!

 

You shouldn't respond to him again - ever. Because even if he 'apologizes' for his ASSumption, his gaslighting (and other narcissistic traits) could show up again later during the dating phase or - God forbid - during the relationship. IMO, this is a BAD SIGN; for a guy to be doing this during ya'll's FIRST convo... I'd 'next' him and move onward, and upward!

 

.

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What? I'm not sure if I'm understanding this right. You think if someone is successful it means they don't have hang-ups? Sometimes even more so.

 

No I don't think successful people don't have hang ups. I'm always more successful than men I meet. They see me as intimidating OR they want to borrow money from me. Would be nice to skip that.

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No I don't think successful people don't have hang ups. I'm always more successful than men I meet. They see me as intimidating OR they want to borrow money from me. Would be nice to skip that.

 

- Can I have five dolla.........I'll give you a kiss :love:

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Is it possible he is just awkward (not used to interacting with women online, hasn't dated in a long time, what have you) and did not realize/understand the faux pas of making strange comments that are also a bit too-deep for the initial interaction?

 

Whichever way he meant it - serious, or just making conversation - you know that is not true, or else you would not be so shocked having heard that just now. And if he is the type of man, for whom your outgoing nature and bubbly attitude are too much, he is not the man for you. Too little info at this point to know though.

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Says more about his past than you imo.

 

This is the answer right here.

 

You in some way remind him of a woman who kicked him around. Not your fault, not his fault.

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his exact words:

 

Are you really serious about looking for a man

You seems to be the kind of woman who toys with men's feelings

Sorry if it sounds weird

I don't know it's just a feeling

 

He said that out of the blue between 'how old are your kids' and 'boy or girl' question.

 

Earlier, after my initial hello, he asked me how was my search and I said lets say I have more men on my block list than on my favorite list.

 

Could it be it?

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gaeta, while I would say it's better to steer away from heavy and serious conversation in the beginning.... in other words, a better response to his question might have been to make a joke.....I might have said, "Well, I haven't found twu wuv yet!" ........but I don't see where you committed a major infraction........you can't rationalize everything, because not everyone is rational. I think this guy just has a chip on his shoulder and you dodged a bullet.

 

Some peeps just have a bad attitude and will lash out at anyone, regardless of what you you do - and make no mistake, they are not good catches. Hater's gonna hate - because that's what hater's do.

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