mefisto Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 Hey guys, i really need some help on relationship issue with my girlfriend. There are: 1. Me, 23 yo guy with some abandonment issues i try to resolve. 2. Girlfriend, 22 yo, pretty independent person, whom lately became less interested in our relationship. Usually we were talking on skype everyday with 5-6 long messages and we were meeting every weekend, spending time in city and after that she stayed for night with me at my room. Changes happened four weeks ago. Frequency of our skype interactions became more seldom, her messages became more shorter, she often waits to answer me for 4-5 hours, while i see her being online in social media (probably she just listens music there, but still). Then she started to make excuses to not staying overnight with me at my home, while she still went out with me to the city, to visit museums and other interesting places. So, we havent had sex for almost a month now, because every week there was something - her parents suddenly telling her to stay home for a night (they are pretty controlling and i believe it), her dog gets sick or she doesnt feel well. All those reasons are legitimate, but they appeared in a row and i wonder what it means. So, as i said, she suddenly started talking more seldom with me in general. Nowadays we exchange maybe 2-3 messages per day, while before it was 5-6 messages. And her messages became more shorter, she ignores half of my messages and respond only to other half. Its very upsetting for me. When i asked why she do that, she answered that often she doesnt have proper mood for deep conversations. I have a feeling that she will find some another excuse to not spend night with me at my home next weekend. I hope she will at least go out with me to the city. So, i cant decide what should i do and what is the reason behind all her behavior change. I'll start with reasons for her behavior change: 1. She became a little depressed and very moody, as she said to me 4 weeks ago. She cant find new job after finishing university and she stays in her home everyday. I was supportive and talked to her about it many times and i saw that my words helped her a little, but after some time, positive effect from my support is disappearing and she becomes depressed again. Also, there is a matter of her health - year ago she had surgery on her brain - doctors deleted a benign tumor from her brain and operation went well. But lately she suffers from headaches and she is afraid that tumor is grown back. I told her a lot of positive thing on this matter, for example i told her that last MRT, that she did 4 month ago, showed that she is fine and tumor cant grow that fast. I offered her to do MRT again, so she would calm down about her headaches, that most likely are not related to tumor, but she told me that she wont do MRT until another few months will pass. So, in the end i couldnt properly help her with her depression and its possible that it was the cause of her coldness towards me. She told me one time, while being in bad mood again and telling me that she wont spend night with me, that "i dont even think about our relationship, because im worried about other things and all of them appear to me in black color". 2. Second possible reason - if its just normal stage for our relationship, because honeymoon stage is obviously over. We have been dating for 5 month and, i guess, its logical that she isnt so excited about me as she was 3-4 months ago, when she always wrote to me first and complained that we dont meet each other more, while now im the one who complain about that and i get a feeling that she doesnt even care if she's gonna see me or not. I just got used to being on her mind and having intense frequent conversations and regular meetings with sex afterwards. Maybe she just feels that our relationship is established and she doesnt need to have as frequent contact with me like she did earlier. 3. Third reason and most tragic one - she just got bored of me and doesnt like me anymore. That is main fear of mine and, if honestly, i freak out everyday that she's gonna leave me. As i mentioned, i have some issues with fear of abandonment. When i see that she doesnt answer to me for 4-5 hours, while she sits online in social media, talking with her guy friends (oh yeah, her two best friends are guys, which i struggle to deal with), and its very hurtful to me that she prefers them over talking with me. For example, one of her friends got in hospital last week. He wasnt dying or anything, he broke his teach in bicycle accident. So, she visited him two times, while spending with me just 4 hours on weekend and refusing to go my home because her parents told her to. Its possible that she did it because when she was in hospital with her brain operation, nobody paid her a visit, so maybe this friend just triggered her memories and it doesnt mean that he is much important for her than i am (or does it?). Anyway, lately i myself became depressed because i started to analyze every her little word, gesture and action, and i see bad sings everywhere. I was cheated on and dumped in my last relationship, so my vision might be clouded by negative experience. So, i have two options here: 1. Talk her about it. As i said, i asked a few times "why you dont want to spend more time with me and go to my home?" - she told me "i do, i just cant because x, y, z..." and why you dont talk as much "im in bad mood because x,y,z...". I can ask her in more serious manner and accuse her with mentions all the changes in behavior and some sings that she doesnt like me anymore. I dont really want to do that, because it would show her that i can be insecure, needy, clingy, controlling and weak guy, and it just would makes things even worse than they are now. 2. Be calm,patient and supportive with her, dont accuse her of anything, keep trying to maintain relationship with positive behavior, keep trying to invite her to spend more time with me. Get used to new relationship stage where she message me just 1-2 times per day and where she doesnt want to hang out with me as much as she did earlier. Thats i would like to do more, but i doubt that it would change anything. Maybe if her depression will disappear when she will find some new job for her or she will do MRT and find out that she's fine, then she will be more active in our relationship. So, what i should do? Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 Break up with her, her interest level for you just jumped off a cliff because you two "spent so much time together". She's essentially checked out, so just make it official. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mefisto Posted September 2, 2015 Author Share Posted September 2, 2015 Break up with her, her interest level for you just jumped off a cliff because you two "spent so much time together". She's essentially checked out, so just make it official. That isnt an option. I will try anything and if its wont gonna work out, that she will be the one who should dump me. The only thing that i wont tolerate is cheating and i see her as very honest person, so i think in wont happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 That isnt an option. I will try anything and if its wont gonna work out, that she will be the one who should dump me. She'll eventually get there and do it for you, once she's tired of waiting for you to do it. She already knows it's not an option and is pushing you to that point. You just don't want to see it. I wish you valued yourself a little more. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
rocketman122 Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 you noticed you didnt get much help here regarding saving your relationship because if you read other posts, people here love to give advice on how not to stay together. many people here are just single bitter people who purposely give the break up/move on answer. most never had long relationships or were married, and many purposely give it because they are bitter at the opposite sex. I very much believe in working things out. just a quick observation on your post. youre seeing each other too much. slow down. keep a bit of distance. go out with friends and do your own activities. honeymoon stage is usually for a year. so if you say 5 months then somethings off. someone else in the picture? Link to post Share on other sites
Oregon_Dude Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 you noticed you didnt get much help here regarding saving your relationship because if you read other posts, people here love to give advice on how not to stay together. many people here are just single bitter people who purposely give the break up/move on answer. most never had long relationships or were married, and many purposely give it because they are bitter at the opposite sex.Yep, that is LS dating board in a nutshell. Thanks for calling it as it is. Link to post Share on other sites
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