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Should I think anything of this?


fray5

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First off, I used to be on these forums daily and they helped me get to where I am now after many years of having some bad problems which I worked through in therapy and medication as I had a fairly rough childhood.

 

While I'm confident in myself in most situations now, I am still learning. Which brings me here to ask a question about my current relationship with a girl I found that is more compatible than any I've ever met...

 

We're both 28, been together 3 months without a problem. She's always helpful, non-judgemental, and looking out for my best interest. We have both been through hard times in our lives and being able to share those things really makes us connect. She tells me all the time how she is so in love with me, how comfortable she is with me, the sex is the best ever, etc. the usual a girl would say to achieve her goal of locking a guy down right? lol but with her it just seems so much more genuine and sincere. I can see she really cares about our relationship. Sometimes I second guess if she really means these things but my counselor said I need to believe them and give myself the chance to be loved and complimented.

 

The thing is the guy she was last in a relationship with is the only thing I'm trying to understand. She has hardly mentioned him except for that the relationship was horrible and she doesn't know what she was thinking at the time. The guy was the typical player, fun-outgoing type (a phase I went through as well) but he had a drug problem. She didn't know about the drug problem when they started dating, but found out later on. She told me she pretty much took care of the guy bc she felt guilty after telling his parents and they kicked him out of the house. She gave him money, etc but eventually broke up with him in the end.

 

Now, about a month or so in, she told me she had a dream the guy overdosed and got worried so she called him to check on him. She said he acted very mean towards her--- that is all I heard about it. I did ask her if there was any baggage I should be aware of and she assured me there wasn't. To this day, I see this guy liking all her Instagram and Facebook pics and I just wonder if I could possibly be missing something.

 

What do you all think and how do I handle this? I don't want to let this guy get in my head or anything but I'm also considering this is a girl I want to be with for a while and don't want to miss something that could be a bad problem.

 

Thanks for any help!

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I would ask her why, if he's as bad as she says he is, does he have the ability to "like" her social media? Are they still "friends"? If so, why?

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I would ask her why, if he's as bad as she says he is, does he have the ability to "like" her social media? Are they still "friends"? If so, why?

 

She doesn't talk about him in a way that she hates him which I think is a good thing bc that would show he still affects her feelings. She seems more indifferent if I had to say. She is also friends her other exes on FB. That stuff doesn't bother me.

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Now, about a month or so in, she told me she had a dream the guy overdosed and got worried so she called him to check on him. She said he acted very mean towards her--- that is all I heard about it. I did ask her if there was any baggage I should be aware of and she assured me there wasn't. To this day, I see this guy liking all her Instagram and Facebook pics and I just wonder if I could possibly be missing something.

 

 

Calling him up because of a dream was stupid and I am sure she realized it after he was mean to her. Usually people do that when they still care about the person.

 

I wonder why if they had such a bad relationship that she has him on her social media. I would tell her to get rid of him.

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Let's just say if my ex was a druggie player and the relationship was "horrible", I wouldn't be facebook friends, and I certainly wouldn't jump to call to make sure she's OK just because I had an overdose dream. I would leave that horrible relationship in the past where it should be, and move on. Why be friends with someone like that? I don't get it.

 

This all screams unresolved feelings to me, aka baggage.

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Let's just say if my ex was a druggie player and the relationship was "horrible", I wouldn't be facebook friends, and I certainly wouldn't jump to call to make sure she's OK just because I had an overdose dream. I would leave that horrible relationship in the past where it should be, and move on. Why be friends with someone like that? I don't get it.

 

This all screams unresolved feelings to me, aka baggage.

 

So what is the best way to handle this situation? and it does mean something should be said right?

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usernametaken

I have had awful dreams about people before that made me feel the need to get in touch - it's not rational, but it has happened. Since she told you about it, I wouldn't worry about it too much.

 

I think you can still care for a person as a human being after a breakup - I think that it shows decent character. But, you should tell her that her continued interactions with him on social media make you a bit uncomfortable. I don't think it's fair or reasonable to make people block their exes under most circumstances, particularly if things didn't end on bad terms.

 

Is she "liking" his posts as well? I would just monitor the situation. Address it playfully with her, and see how she reacts.

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First off, I used to be on these forums daily and they helped me get to where I am now after many years of having some bad problems which I worked through in therapy and medication as I had a fairly rough childhood.

 

While I'm confident in myself in most situations now, I am still learning. Which brings me here to ask a question about my current relationship with a girl I found that is more compatible than any I've ever met...

 

We're both 28, been together 3 months without a problem. She's always helpful, non-judgemental, and looking out for my best interest. We have both been through hard times in our lives and being able to share those things really makes us connect. She tells me all the time how she is so in love with me, how comfortable she is with me, the sex is the best ever, etc. the usual a girl would say to achieve her goal of locking a guy down right? lol but with her it just seems so much more genuine and sincere. I can see she really cares about our relationship. Sometimes I second guess if she really means these things but my counselor said I need to believe them and give myself the chance to be loved and complimented.

 

The thing is the guy she was last in a relationship with is the only thing I'm trying to understand. She has hardly mentioned him except for that the relationship was horrible and she doesn't know what she was thinking at the time. The guy was the typical player, fun-outgoing type (a phase I went through as well) but he had a drug problem. She didn't know about the drug problem when they started dating, but found out later on. She told me she pretty much took care of the guy bc she felt guilty after telling his parents and they kicked him out of the house. She gave him money, etc but eventually broke up with him in the end.

 

Now, about a month or so in, she told me she had a dream the guy overdosed and got worried so she called him to check on him. She said he acted very mean towards her--- that is all I heard about it. I did ask her if there was any baggage I should be aware of and she assured me there wasn't. To this day, I see this guy liking all her Instagram and Facebook pics and I just wonder if I could possibly be missing something.

 

What do you all think and how do I handle this? I don't want to let this guy get in my head or anything but I'm also considering this is a girl I want to be with for a while and don't want to miss something that could be a bad problem.

 

Thanks for any help!

 

and looking out for my best interest

She told me she pretty much took care of the guy

She gave him money

she told me she had a dream the guy overdosed and got worried

 

She may be a caretaker/nurturer and does this at her own expense. That is not a healthy emotional posture.

 

She obviously still cares about this guy, otherwise, she wouldn't be worrying about him, but I wouldn't be convinced that she actually loves the guy, she just takes care of people.

 

If I were you, I'd simply say something like "I know you care for the man, but he is an adult and you don't have to feel responsible for him or his safety anymore. I am uncomfortable about that situation and given the fact that he was mean to you for being concerned about him, I think it's a bad idea to maintain contact with him. I care for you very much and I think we should be focusing on each other now to see if we can build a strong relationship between us now. If you are worrying about him, you're taking energy away from our relationship."

 

IF she is defensive of her "relationship" with him, I'd step back from her for a while at least. She needs to resolve that stuff for herself.

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Calling him up because of a dream was stupid and I am sure she realized it after he was mean to her. Usually people do that when they still care about the person.

 

I wonder why if they had such a bad relationship that she has him on her social media. I would tell her to get rid of him.

 

She has her other ex on there still. I just took her for the type that it didn't bother having them up there still in a mature way.

 

Are you saying this could mean she still has the hots for the other guy and I should consider making a move on the relationship?

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and looking out for my best interest

She told me she pretty much took care of the guy

She gave him money

she told me she had a dream the guy overdosed and got worried

 

She may be a caretaker/nurturer and does this at her own expense. That is not a healthy emotional posture.

 

She obviously still cares about this guy, otherwise, she wouldn't be worrying about him, but I wouldn't be convinced that she actually loves the guy, she just takes care of people.

 

If I were you, I'd simply say something like "I know you care for the man, but he is an adult and you don't have to feel responsible for him or his safety anymore. I am uncomfortable about that situation and given the fact that he was mean to you for being concerned about him, I think it's a bad idea to maintain contact with him. I care for you very much and I think we should be focusing on each other now to see if we can build a strong relationship between us now. If you are worrying about him, you're taking energy away from our relationship."

 

IF she is defensive of her "relationship" with him, I'd step back from her for a while at least. She needs to resolve that stuff for herself.

 

That is EXACTLY what it seems like. She always seems to be concerned about what I'm thinking or of me not liking her like I did at the beginning. She has a huge care-taker mentality.

 

The thing is I don't know if I need to say anything bc she hasn't really mentioned him since. It only came up one more time when we were talking about past relationships and stuff.

 

So, should I still bring it up and just tell her it was on my mind or could that damage things? I don't want to come off as insecure bc that's not what this is about but I do want to be sure it's all about me and her.

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Nothing wrong with being friends with an ex. My best mate is very good friends with his ex and her husband.

 

But an ex who is a druggie and the relationship was "horrible", he took her money, he treated her bad............. no.

 

I would say what Redhead said above, very good wording there. I wouldn't bring it up out of the blue, but if anything like this happens again, bring it up at the time. It's always better to express your concerns at the time rather than seemingly bringing them up cold, it looks like you've been stewing on it.

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She has her other ex on there still. I just took her for the type that it didn't bother having them up there still in a mature way.

 

Are you saying this could mean she still has the hots for the other guy and I should consider making a move on the relationship?

 

Some ex are good at being friends, others you should not maintain contact with.

 

I have exs I keep in touch because we had a good time together but nothing too deep developed so we were able to remain friends. Other exs I would never keep in touch with because our history together is too hurtful and they would bring absolutely nothing to my new life.

 

I am not saying she has the hots for him, I am saying she is still emotionally affected by him. She still cares. This ex should not be on her social media. He does not enhance her life in anyway. Look she contacted him and he was mean to her, why the hell does she keep him on her list of friends?

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That is EXACTLY what it seems like. She always seems to be concerned about what I'm thinking or of me not liking her like I did at the beginning. She has a huge care-taker mentality.

 

The thing is I don't know if I need to say anything bc she hasn't really mentioned him since. It only came up one more time when we were talking about past relationships and stuff.

 

So, should I still bring it up and just tell her it was on my mind or could that damage things? I don't want to come off as insecure bc that's not what this is about but I do want to be sure it's all about me and her.

 

Since this issue is causing you to be anxious on some level and to the point of coming here, you should address it at some point. This is not about being insecure, it's about creating the environment for a healthy relationship to develop between you.

She always seems to be concerned about what I'm thinking or of me not liking her like I did at the beginning -- That is the mentality of a caretaker -- they do what they do to try to ensure that the other person likes them. Her sense of esteem is validated by outside sources.

 

That being said, she's also comparing how you made her feel in the beginning to how it feels to her now. That is likely because you are stressing over the situation and pulling back some.

 

This woman will need lots of reassurance from you.

 

I don't think you should bring it up yourself. If it actually comes up again in conversation or by her actions, then apply the following thinking:

 

or could that damage things? -- Not addressing it at all may damage the potential even more. I'd come from a position of trying to support the development the relationship between you two.

 

Damage things? -- If by that you mean she will feel that you are being insecure . . . there isn't anything wrong with being insecure if there is a real reason for it. A woman who cares so much about another man even after that relationship has ended, isn't going to be able to be the partner she needs to be for someone else.

 

Since she is a caretaker, play on that. Explain that a relationship needs to be cared for and nurtured and focused on in order for it to be healthy.

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Some ex are good at being friends, others you should not maintain contact with.

 

I have exs I keep in touch because we had a good time together but nothing too deep developed so we were able to remain friends. Other exs I would never keep in touch with because our history together is too hurtful and they would bring absolutely nothing to my new life.

 

I am not saying she has the hots for him, I am saying she is still emotionally affected by him. She still cares. This ex should not be on her social media. He does not enhance her life in anyway. Look she contacted him and he was mean to her, why the hell does she keep him on her list of friends?

 

I think friends on facebook is different than friends in person to her. To my knowledge she doesn't text him or anything since that one dream thing. If i knew she was actively texting him i would say something for sure.

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Nothing wrong with being friends with an ex. My best mate is very good friends with his ex and her husband.

 

But an ex who is a druggie and the relationship was "horrible", he took her money, he treated her bad............. no.

 

I would say what Redhead said above, very good wording there. I wouldn't bring it up out of the blue, but if anything like this happens again, bring it up at the time. It's always better to express your concerns at the time rather than seemingly bringing them up cold, it looks like you've been stewing on it.

 

I don't think he really treated her bad, I think it was just he wasn't what she wanted, especially long term.

 

What you said about bringing up anything cold is a good idea and I won't do that.

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I think friends on facebook is different than friends in person to her. To my knowledge she doesn't text him or anything since that one dream thing. If i knew she was actively texting him i would say something for sure.

 

35% of divorces involve FB.

 

Why are you so afraid of asking her to take him off of her list of friends?

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35% of divorces involve FB.

 

Why are you so afraid of asking her to take him off of her list of friends?

 

Because I don't want to sound threatened or insecure by the guy. Sometimes i think that might make the girl redevelop feelings or something

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Because I don't want to sound threatened or insecure by the guy. Sometimes i think that might make the girl redevelop feelings or something

 

Right all you have to do is point out the bloke was a tosser. You don't like tossers hanging anywhere near her because you want her to be happy and treated well by everyone around her so please can she remove said tosser from said facebook as it would make you happier to know that she is a. capable of looking after herself and b. not conversing with tossers.

 

Simples.

 

By the way - your over thinking all of this way too much.

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Since this issue is causing you to be anxious on some level and to the point of coming here, you should address it at some point. This is not about being insecure, it's about creating the environment for a healthy relationship to develop between you.

 

She always seems to be concerned about what I'm thinking or of me not liking her like I did at the beginning -- That is the mentality of a caretaker -- they do what they do to try to ensure that the other person likes them. Her sense of esteem is validated by outside sources.

 

That being said, she's also comparing how you made her feel in the beginning to how it feels to her now. That is likely because you are stressing over the situation and pulling back some.

 

This woman will need lots of reassurance from you.

 

I don't think you should bring it up yourself. If it actually comes up again in conversation or by her actions, then apply the following thinking:

 

or could that damage things? -- Not addressing it at all may damage the potential even more. I'd come from a position of trying to support the development the relationship between you two.

 

Damage things? -- If by that you mean she will feel that you are being insecure . . . there isn't anything wrong with being insecure if there is a real reason for it. A woman who cares so much about another man even after that relationship has ended, isn't going to be able to be the partner she needs to be for someone else.

 

Since she is a caretaker, play on that. Explain that a relationship needs to be cared for and nurtured and focused on in order for it to be healthy.

 

Thanks so much RedHead. You are SPOT on I know.

 

A couple questions...

 

With this caretaker mentality, does this mean that she will compliment me and not really mean it but instead it's a way of getting validation back from me?

 

OR is that mentality a good thing and she would be a very loving and caring partner I could trust?

 

Trust is the most important thing to me and it'd be weird to me if someone told me things just to get me to say something to make them feel better. Know what I mean? I don't think as of right now this is her intention tho.

 

I do notice she needs A LOT of reassurance. However, I'm ok with this bc I remember I went through that for a while. She has told me the more reassurace she gets, the better and I told her I was just nervous about saying a lot bc I did have a fear of getting hurt... it was a great conversation btw. I guess I just want everything to be an genuine as possible and not bc of issues that just make people want to cling to another bc of fear of being along or something.

 

Maybe that's just irrational thinking tho.

 

Also, how do I make her feel like she did? Maybe that will just wear off once my one worry fades away?

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Right all you have to do is point out the bloke was a tosser. You don't like tossers hanging anywhere near her because you want her to be happy and treated well by everyone around her so please can she remove said tosser from said facebook as it would make you happier to know that she is a. capable of looking after herself and b. not conversing with tossers.

 

Simples.

 

By the way - your over thinking all of this way too much.

 

lol thanks Toodles. I'm actually switching medications now bc I had a rough time with family recently which provoked a lot of anxiety aside from this so I'm thinking that has contributed to the overthinking. On the plus side she really helped me through it and stood by me which was huge bc I never really let my guard down for anyone else.

 

And could you tell me your definition of "tosser"? I think I like that

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Hey fray, long time! Hope you are well.

 

Okay, the caretaker mentality I get. But I do see it as her way of getting validation of herself. At three months, you should be in the honeymoon stage, not with her constantly asking for reassurance. Sure, we tire as a relationship goes on, and life gets boring, but yikes! It sounds like she has some self esteem issues.

 

As for the ex, she's wasting too much mental energy on him, and needs to block him. It's not as if he's a guy she knew since she was five years old, and has ties to his entire family.

 

Redhead is spot on in all her answers for you. I can't say it any better.

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I don't think he really treated her bad, I think it was just he wasn't what she wanted, especially long term.

 

What you said about bringing up anything cold is a good idea and I won't do that.

 

 

I don't think he really treated her bad ???? -- A man who is a drug addict, takes a woman's money and is mean to her for showing concern to him, is Treating Her Badly.

 

If she told you she dumped him because he wasn't what she wanted long-term, that is about shielding him from blame, which again, is about caretaking and/or minimizing the situation. She knows it wasn't a good thing for her to be taking care of that man and is maybe somewhat embarrassed that she allowed herself to be in that position -- yet, she just has to take care of people -- again, it's at her own expense.

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lol thanks Toodles. I'm actually switching medications now bc I had a rough time with family recently which provoked a lot of anxiety aside from this so I'm thinking that has contributed to the overthinking. /QUOTE]
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Thanks so much RedHead. You are SPOT on I know.

 

A couple questions...

 

With this caretaker mentality, does this mean that she will compliment me and not really mean it but instead it's a way of getting validation back from me?

 

OR is that mentality a good thing and she would be a very loving and caring partner I could trust?

 

Trust is the most important thing to me and it'd be weird to me if someone told me things just to get me to say something to make them feel better. Know what I mean? I don't think as of right now this is her intention tho.

 

I do notice she needs A LOT of reassurance. However, I'm ok with this bc I remember I went through that for a while. She has told me the more reassurace she gets, the better and I told her I was just nervous about saying a lot bc I did have a fear of getting hurt... it was a great conversation btw. I guess I just want everything to be an genuine as possible and not bc of issues that just make people want to cling to another bc of fear of being along or something.

 

Maybe that's just irrational thinking tho.

 

Also, how do I make her feel like she did? Maybe that will just wear off once my one worry fades away?

 

With this caretaker mentality, does this mean that she will compliment me and not really mean it but instead it's a way of getting validation back from me? -- I doubt she doesn't mean it and, it's possible she does it to get some back from you.

 

I think you should accept her compliments and only compliment her back if there is actually something going on at the time that warrants a compliment back. I would not feed her need for validation by just throwing a compliment back. Don't feed that bear every time. She needs to be able to focus on other things that help her feel good in the relationship as well.

 

OR is that mentality a good thing and she would be a very loving and caring partner I could trust? -- Yes and no. Yes, she would be a loving and caring partner, but don't let her do that to the extend of compromising her own needs or the needs of the relationship.

 

Having that mentality and whether you can trust her are two different things. She needs to earn your trust. They are not intertwined in anyway.

 

If she is so controlled by the need to be a caretaker -- you'll need to observe to what lengths she will go to do that for someone. If she is compromising things in your relationship in order to care for you, you'll have to pay attention. What I mean by that is, for instance, if she is taking care of the household finances and there is a problem, she may try to handle things herself, rather than involve you because she thinks it will upset you and cause you angst -- see what I mean? She's doing the wrong thing with good intentions, but that kinda undermines trust as well. It's a catch-22. Caretakers tend to minimize problems and deal with them on their own or hide problems even when the other person really should be involved. She thinks she's protecting them. You just need to observe carefully how she deals with things and interacts with you over time.

 

As far as you making her feel the way she did in the beginning? -- Just be the guy she's falling in love with now, less the anxiety :)

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