His friend got killed how can I support him???

[Lizzy007]

I've been dating my man for about 10 months now (just a little background info) but we don't live together. The other day we talked on the phone and out of nowhere he told me that his friend got murdered. I didn't know him however I was in shock and didn't really know how to respond so I just said that I was sorry. I looked it up on the news and read the newspaper article about the incident because I didn't wanna be annoying and ask my boyfriend for more information. Since that was the first time he even mentioned that friend to me I asked him how close they were and he told me that he was a good friend of his and that they were close enough for him to be affected by his murder.

 

This is the first time dealing with someone getting killed so I feel a little overwhelmed. Do you guys have any tips on how to be supportive for my boyfriend? Should I just act as if nothing has happened? This is new to me (not to my boyfriend tho) so I wanna make sure I do everything the right way.

[Gaeta]

This is the first time dealing with someone getting killed so I feel a little overwhelmed. Do you guys have any tips on how to be supportive for my boyfriend? Should I just act as if nothing has happened? This is new to me (not to my boyfriend tho) so I wanna make sure I do everything the right way.

 

I don't think you should act as if nothing happened that would be a bit inconsiderate. Ask him how's he's doing, if he got more news on his friend, will he attend the funeral, if he wants you to accompany him, etc.

 

When people go through something difficult they appreciate we ask them how they're doing. You can tell him if he wants to talk you're there for him.

 

As for doing everything the right way, it's different for every people. Maybe he wants to be left alone he'll simply let you know.

[d0nnivain]

If the friend hasn't been waked & buried yet, offer to go with your BF to those things.

 

 

Send your BF a condolence card

 

 

Ask about the friend. Your BF may need a trip down memory lane. Ask to see photos.

 

 

If your BF bristles at talking let him be silent.

 

 

Give him lots of hugs & supportive squeezes.

 

 

Since this was such a shock expect your BF to be "off" for a few months.

 

 

If there are follow up stories in the news bring them to BF's attention, especially if they catch the murderer or when that person is convicted.

 

 

Understand everybody handles death differently. Follow his lead.

[Lizzy007]

Thank you guys for your answers so far. The thing is that I am currently doing an internship in another state so I can't be with him to comfort him physically for the next 2 months. So going to his funeral isn't an option. Actually there might not even be one because he didn't have a home or money so idk how those things get taken care of in such a case.

 

I just told him that I'm here for him and if he needs anything to let me know. I kinda wanna ask him how he found out like if he was with him when he got stabbed or if he got a call from another friend or if he just saw it on the news but I feel as if that's too soon to ask questions about his friend. I know my boyfriend is a strong man and he will get thru his loss, he has already lost other friends and family members due to gang violence so it's nothing new to him and I'm assuming he knows how to deal with it emotionally.

 

I guess my biggest fear is that if I ask him questions that it will come off as being inconsiderate and nosy when in reality I just wanna be there for him. Not sure if that makes sense but I honesty have no idea how to really process the fact that one of his good friends got stabbed out of nowhere. Also it happened only a few days ago so it's really fresh still and they didn't catch the guy who did it yet.

[d0nnivain]

Ask him if it would help to talk about it. Then ask the Qs.

 

 

Can you scare up the money to offer your guy a trip to visit you? A change of scenery may help.

[Gaeta]

Is your boyfriend part of a gang, that's why you don't know if it's ok to ask him question ?

 

I get this vibe that you're afraid of coming across as nosy and it's NOT nosy to ask a boyfriend how his friend died.

[Lizzy007]

Is your boyfriend part of a gang, that's why you don't know if it's ok to ask him question ?

 

I get this vibe that you're afraid of coming across as nosy and it's NOT nosy to ask a boyfriend how his friend died.

 

 

 

Nooooo my boyfriend isn't in a gang and his friend wasn't either but he lives in the city and grew up in a gang territory neighborhood. I'm just so sick of innocent black people getting killed and I kinda know what happened (I did my online research). His friend was sleeping on a bench and got stabbed. Another fear that I have is that if I talk to my boyfriend about it he will think that I'm turning it around and making it about me because honestly I didn't even know his friend and I feel very troubled with what has happened. I don't know why this affects me so much but ever since I found out last night I've been super emotional and shaky, for example I dropped my glass of water earlier.... That's how shaky I am. So I don't want to bother my boyfriend who's already dealing with his emotions. I can't be weak and tell him how difficult it is for me to process that would just be extra baggage for him. Idk I'm starting to ramble I just can't understand how someone can stab an innocent man while he's sleeping. That's so messed up

[Gaeta]

Nooooo my boyfriend isn't in a gang and his friend wasn't either but he lives in the city and grew up in a gang territory neighborhood. I'm just so sick of innocent black people getting killed and I kinda know what happened (I did my online research). His friend was sleeping on a bench and got stabbed. Another fear that I have is that if I talk to my boyfriend about it he will think that I'm turning it around and making it about me because honestly I didn't even know his friend and I feel very troubled with what has happened. I don't know why this affects me so much but ever since I found out last night I've been super emotional and shaky, for example I dropped my glass of water earlier.... That's how shaky I am. So I don't want to bother my boyfriend who's already dealing with his emotions. I can't be weak and tell him how difficult it is for me to process that would just be extra baggage for him. Idk I'm starting to ramble I just can't understand how someone can stab an innocent man while he's sleeping. That's so messed up

 

I'm trying really hard to follow you here.

 

I honestly do not understand why you feel asking him news about this murder and asking him how he's feeling would be intruding on him. This is part of being girlfriend/boyfriend, we're there for each other in these difficult moments.

 

As for the rest it's the same thing. If I were in your shoes I would not hesitate to tell my boyfriend that it has really shaken me up that his friend got murdered and I keep thinking it could have been him.

 

I am reading between the lines you are an interracial couple? Is it part why you're uncomfortable asking?

[Zagan]

Showing empathy for another human being isn't making it all about you. It's about recognising how messed up the world is when something so pointlessly unnecessary can be done to an innocent person. It also probably affects you to a degree because you know it is hurting him.

 

Early this year a very good friend of mine was murdered, my wife didn't know him but she was very aware of how much it was affecting me. She was just really soft and sweet with me and asked how I was a lot. She encouraged me to talk about him (it helped a lot) especially good memories and funny old stories etc.. She also came with me to the funeral and was really supportive in every way. It goes a long way to know somebody cares deeply about how you are feeling, especially if it came about in a situation where you lose faith in people in general and have a lot of bad feelings and thoughts.

I hope this might help you a little.

[Lizzy007]

Yes my boyfriend is black and I am white. His friend was black too and the guy who stabbed him was Mexican. Technically yes it could have been my boyfriend but not really cause the incident happened early in the morning and his friend was sleeping on the streets cause he didn't have a house anymore.

[Gaeta]

Yes my boyfriend is black and I am white. His friend was black too and the guy who stabbed him was Mexican. Technically yes it could have been my boyfriend but not really cause the incident happened early in the morning and his friend was sleeping on the streets cause he didn't have a house anymore.

 

Is something else going on in your relationship? Because after 10 months dating you should not be afraid of expressing empathy to your boyfriend.

[Lizzy007]

Is something else going on in your relationship? Because after 10 months dating you should not be afraid of expressing empathy to your boyfriend.

 

 

Our relationship isn't very stable we've been on and off because I was acting immature (he's older than me) but I have a hard time expressing and talking about my feelings in general

[Gaeta]

Our relationship isn't very stable we've been on and off because I was acting immature (he's older than me) but I have a hard time expressing and talking about my feelings in general

 

Start doing it a little bit at a time :-)

 

It starts with: I am very sorry for your loss I am here for you if you wanna talk or just be together and not talk.

[salparadise]

Another fear that I have is that if I talk to my boyfriend about it he will think that I'm turning it around and making it about me because honestly I didn't even know his friend and I feel very troubled with what has happened. I don't know why this affects me so much...

 

A few tips... don't say you're sorry because that is about you (saying how you feel) and it's rather cliche and meaningless. Don't say you understand because you probably don't, and again that would be more about you. Ask him to tell you how he feels using empathetic words and tone, and make the effort to share his feelings. Ask about his friend allow him to talk as much as he wants. You can ask follow up questions (about the friend or their friendship) that indicate the you're still receptive even after he has talked as much as most might allow. People who are grieving need to talk... that's how they move through it. They often use up the tolerance of casual friends and acquaintances, so having some who genuinely dedicated to listening (and skilled) is valuable. Learn the difference between empathy and sympathy- very important.

[Lizzy007]

A few tips... don't say you're sorry because that is about you (saying how you feel) and it's rather cliche and meaningless. Don't say you understand because you probably don't, and again that would be more about you. Ask him to tell you how he feels using empathetic words and tone, and make the effort to share his feelings. Ask about his friend allow him to talk as much as he wants. You can ask follow up questions (about the friend or their friendship) that indicate the you're still receptive even after he has talked as much as most might allow. People who are grieving need to talk... that's how they move through it. They often use up the tolerance of casual friends and acquaintances, so having some who genuinely dedicated to listening (and skilled) is valuable. Learn the difference between empathy and sympathy- very important.

 

So should I just ask him if he wants to talk about it? I doubt he'll open up to me though because he's a "though" guy. One time he was at my apartment and I told him that my dad was in the hospital because he had a stoke and I started tearing up and he straight up told me that if I don't want him to leave I better stop crying cause he doesn't deal with sad stuff and weak people. That's why I'm so unsure of how to handle this situation. I believe he built a wall around himself because he went thru a lot of hard times in his life and suffered a lot of losses in his family so I think he started to shut out emotions as a way to protect himself. I could be wrong though

Edited September 2, 2015 by Lizzy007

[Gaeta]

.........and I told him that my dad was in the hospital because he had a stoke and I started tearing up and he straight up told me that if he doesn't want me to leave I better stop crying cause he doesn't deal with sad stuff and weak people.

 

WHAT????????

 

What kind of heartless boyfriend is that ????????

 

I would have dumped him SO FREAKIN FAST!!!!

 

Not only he was unable to comfort you in a moment of need but he called you weak !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Lizzy!! wake up!!!

[Lizzy007]

Litte Update:

 

I called him and told him that he can talk to me if he needs someone to talk about it and that I'm upset about what happened and can't imagine what he's going thru and offered him space if that's what he needed and the only thing he said back to me was that he's good and alive and then he said thanks

 

So yea now I kinda feel stupid for even asking him if he's ok and stuff. Oh well at least I tried

[d0nnivain]

So should I just ask him if he wants to talk about it? I doubt he'll open up to me though because he's a "though" guy. One time he was at my apartment and I told him that my dad was in the hospital because he had a stoke and I started tearing up and he straight up told me that if I don't want him to leave I better stop crying cause he doesn't deal with sad stuff and weak people. That's why I'm so unsure of how to handle this situation. I believe he built a wall around himself because he went thru a lot of hard times in his life and suffered a lot of losses in his family so I think he started to shut out emotions as a way to protect himself. I could be wrong though

 

the way you handle this situation is you dump his ass. This man will never be there for you in a crisis. He's got the emotional intelligence of a rock.

 

My EX BF was rather unsympathetic. I did all this stuff for his family when his mother was dying. the NYE after she passed we were talking & he asked me why I did everything I did. I said because I loved him & that if the shoe has been on the other foot he would be there for me. He told me point blank he probably would not. Stupid me, I didn't believe him. Sure enough a few years later when my mom was in the hospital, he was an ass. He told me he couldn't come because he had to get the oil changed in his car. I lost it & told him that if he didn't show up at the hospital we were done & I was never speaking to him again. He reluctantly appeared bearing gifts.

 

In contrast my husband was there for every crisis.. . .hugging me, supporting me, holding down the fort.

 

Your BF is not the guy who is going to be there for you long term. If you can't talk to him, you can't be with him. It's as simple as that.

[GemmaUK]

Litte Update:

 

I called him and told him that he can talk to me if he needs someone to talk about it and that I'm upset about what happened and can't imagine what he's going thru and offered him space if that's what he needed and the only thing he said back to me was that he's good and alive and then he said thanks

 

So yea now I kinda feel stupid for even asking him if he's ok and stuff. Oh well at least I tried

 

Don't feel stupid. you have no need to. You were acting like a normal human being.

His reaction to your news tells you all you need to know and this..much as it's a tough time is a good excuse to just break contact with this guy.

You deserve better than that. You care, he doesn't.

[Lizzy007]

I'm not going to leave him. I love this man and like I said he has been thru a lot of hard times in his life; family members getting killed by certain gangs, losing his home and being homeless while he was in HS, got left on his wedding day... And the list goes on so just because he doesn't show his emotions or wants to talk about it doesn't mean he doesn't care about me or loves me. That's just his way of coping with his loss and I get it. He's put up a guard as a kid cause he's been thru so much crap. Obviously that had some sort of effect on him even now decades later

[Redhead14]

I'm not going to leave him. I love this man and like I said he has been thru a lot of hard times in his life; family members getting killed by certain gangs, losing his home and being homeless while he was in HS, got left on his wedding day... And the list goes on so just because he doesn't show his emotions or wants to talk about it doesn't mean he doesn't care about me or loves:bunny: me. That's just his way of coping with his loss and I get it. He's put up a guard as a kid cause he's been thru so much crap. Obviously that had some sort of effect on him even now decades later

 

Whatever the effects of his life experiences are and are effecting him decades later will be affecting you for the next future decades. Are you up to the task? He isnt supportive or tolerant of your emotions in times of crisis. Yet, you are struggling to be supportive of him. . .