Celeste.Carol Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 I recently went through a weird dating experience and was duped and dumped. I spoke about with an ex flame. the back story is he was a surgeon and divorced, was playing the field hard and we went out for a long while but he treated me badly. He has twice now years later apologized and said he had something good and was stupid to not appreciate it. He asked me out for dinner and said he would not come on strong or push. I reluctantly accepted...after putting it off once before. Should I give him another chance? Has anyone else had any good experiences with giving second chances? Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 I recently went through a weird dating experience and was duped and dumped. I spoke about with an ex flame. the back story is he was a surgeon and divorced, was playing the field hard and we went out for a long while but he treated me badly. He has twice now years later apologized and said he had something good and was stupid to not appreciate it. He asked me out for dinner and said he would not come on strong or push. I reluctantly accepted...after putting it off once before. Should I give him another chance? Has anyone else had any good experiences with giving second chances? he treated me badly -- I don't give second chances to people who treat me badly. I might if he had been respectful, dated me well, we broke things off mutually and otherwise ended on a good note at least. Are you currently in a "dry spell" with dating that is causing you to reconsider. If that's the case, don't do it. Wait for one that doesn't have bad history with you already. If you do this again with him, you will be on edge and guarded, watching for signs of the prior behavior and might sabotage it anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Celeste.Carol Posted September 1, 2015 Author Share Posted September 1, 2015 Hi Red! He never treated me badly in interpersonal ways, like rude, cussing, or abusive but he would never commit and he play the field, regardless that we dated a year and a half. I was always there for him in ways that were not dating related, as a friend even during those hurtful times. He seems to be really earnest and honest in his apologies and really wishes to see me again. Any red flags? Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 Hi Red! He never treated me badly in interpersonal ways, like rude, cussing, or abusive but he would never commit and he play the field, regardless that we dated a year and a half. I was always there for him in ways that were not dating related, as a friend even during those hurtful times. He seems to be really earnest and honest in his apologies and really wishes to see me again. Any red flags? He wouldn't commit after a year and a half? If I were you, I'd pin him down about his intentions with you now. Tigers don't change their stripes. If he was commitment-phobic before, what's changed for him now? Most of the time, when a guy comes back to someone he's left behind so long ago, and hasn't had much luck since then, he hopes she's forgotten the sting and will allow him to repeat history. Do be careful. Don't sleep with him for quite sometime. Find out as much as you can about what he's been doing since you, what if any other relationships he's had and why they ended. If they ended for the same reason, Flag. Do you know why his marriage ended? That would be important as well. Did he have a history of pulling/pushing his partner away? If he's got commitment issues or a fear of intimacy, this will be a constant source of problems in every relationship he's had or will have. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Celeste.Carol Posted September 1, 2015 Author Share Posted September 1, 2015 Thank you for replying. He was recently divorced when we met. His wife was histrionic and borderline and it was not bull, witnessed it. He was sort of a carefree wild guy after divorce, loved the nightlife, but was insecure when he should not have been with all his successes and was always looking for the grass is greener on the other side with wild girls. I am not boring or not hot but he seemed to be on the all out with buddies liking strippers and such thinking they were the real deal. He now sees he was stupid and lost a great girl. This was 8 years ago. I have been close with his children and parents prior. It was a strange situation all around. I have my reservations but I think dinner as friends to catch up is okay? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 I would go---with your eyes wide open and cautiously. 8 years is a long time and I think it's fair to keep in mind at which point he was in life when that happened. Be very cautious though. Regardless of timing then and 8 years passing, he is someone who chose to have his cake and eat it too when you dated a long time ago, instead of just letting you go which would have been the right thing to do. Some would say stringing you along for 1.5 years was selfish of him and it's very possible that's a character trait and hasn't changed. (He's just not showing it at the moment because he wants a chance with you.) But I would go. I know plenty of people whose second chances turned out wonderfully. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Celeste.Carol Posted September 1, 2015 Author Share Posted September 1, 2015 Hi Hottie. I think I will take the chance but keep my heart close. I will be weary and alert. I was close to his parents and sons. I also even after he was an ass helped him with endeavors as a friend and only as a friend would. I believe sometimes in life people grow and see things clearly for what they truly are instead of selfish thoughts. Who knows?! But thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 Well the thing I would change up this time is always put yourself first. Those are the girls that men respect and fall in love with. For example, don't be too conditioned to do "the right thing" such as stay friends with him the time before when he was being an ass. If you wanted to date him and he was not giving you that, there is no reason to be his friend for sake of doing the right thing. Maybe way later when you don't care and have moved on. But now that you said that thing about friends, I am worried that he misses the convenience and having you to lean on. If you go back into it, make sure you are "cherished and adored" before you put ANY of the partnership needs first. That's one way I would stay alert on this one. Know your own tendencies. Don't be "too nice" and accommodating. That won't be good. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Celeste.Carol Posted September 2, 2015 Author Share Posted September 2, 2015 (edited) I wanted to thank you for the responses. I do not like to go to friends with this type of info because it can lead to jaded views if and when a relationship is ever great. Update: I sent a brief email to the original guy, short and brief, and expected to hear crickets because by reading about rel., that seems to be how it goes. He responded quickly, we exchanged 2, and I was so tired I went to bed and did not reply to his second because it is too complicated for a sleepy response. We had an electricity, sparks between us that you do not normally have. It was different than the normal like. I need help on what to make of his response and how I should respond because I am confused. This is not exact but almost to his words: That what he wanted was to meet and have an awesome, fun, and great night and that I delivered that in SPADES. That the weeks prior and day of date were more than great but the week after he was really busy (he was more specific) but for privacy purposes this is less specific. And I did not understand and thought he was being disrespectful. Lastly he wrote that he had Really Really liked me! If he would have said it like that then, my concerns of his fading and it being a hit it and quit it would have not even been in my imagination. I do not even know how to respond because I Really like him too. His responses were quick so I do not know if that shows any present promise on his part. Any wisdom or advice? Thank you Edited September 2, 2015 by Celeste.Carol Link to post Share on other sites
Author Celeste.Carol Posted September 2, 2015 Author Share Posted September 2, 2015 And I also have reservations about going out with old flame because he asked before and my response was no. We are friends and I trust him with talking about what is going on in our lives, but have thought about it and I think he used my emotions to move on in and ask when my guard was down so he may get a yes. I am not sure if I like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 Hi Red! He never treated me badly in interpersonal ways, like rude, cussing, or abusive but he would never commit and he play the field, regardless that we dated a year and a half. I was always there for him in ways that were not dating related, as a friend even during those hurtful times. He seems to be really earnest and honest in his apologies and really wishes to see me again. Any red flags? He should only get ONE chance to disrespect you. He already had it. Don't disrespect yourself by giving him the time of day. That sends the message that he can disrespect you to the lowest level and you'll STILL spend time with him. That's a horrible message to send. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Celeste.Carol Posted September 2, 2015 Author Share Posted September 2, 2015 He should only get ONE chance to disrespect you. He already had it. Don't disrespect yourself by giving him the time of day. That sends the message that he can disrespect you to the lowest level and you'll STILL spend time with him. That's a horrible message to send. Hi Lois. I agree with you and have my reservations with him moving quickly in when I was speaking of my problems with a new guy. The new guy wrote me back yesterday and said he had Really Really liked me. It was my inexperience from not dating for awhile that led me to doubts after a fantastic but overly passionate date...it was magnetic for both of us. I do not know how to respond to him because I Really like him too and I messed it up with my own doubts that he was authentic! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Celeste.Carol Posted September 2, 2015 Author Share Posted September 2, 2015 He wrote me again this morning. I think this is a good sign. I believe our signals were mixed up, the wavelengths. I do not wish to rush and be serious or take away his freedoms. We hit it off like a bat and ball..electric. I think this is a second chance. It was not a one night stand which was my fear initially. Thank you all for lending an ear and offering up wisdom. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Celeste.Carol Posted September 4, 2015 Author Share Posted September 4, 2015 Update: It is on full force and I am so smitten. I decided to take a long rain check on the ex because he jumped in so fast when I was obviously in a different state of mind. I was wrong about the guy being so much of a player with him being so charming and so charismatic, intense. I am really busy with events this weekend and he was texting me last night about this weekend. He wrote the sweetest apology and it was in sort of third person: He wrote he was disappointed because a girl he really likes thought he was unaffected by their meeting, and it was furthest from the truth but by his inactions it made her feel like it, and he never gave a full apology to her, and he is now, because maybe it is the reason she is not going to be with him over Labor Day. Awwww. This may be a keeper! I think if a guy is really interested, even with a girls mistakes, first date sex, a little neediness, and misunderstandings in the very beginning, they will come back full force and on point. I think another great sign is he has initiated texts and ones that were out of the blue letting me know if he was out with a friend eating or at an after bar. Link to post Share on other sites
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