How do I fix things with my new boyfriend before it's too late ?

[kadmoore]

Hi everyone.

I met this great guy about a month ago. Everything was going well. He was very caring, texts me and called me daily and was even willing to come see me even though he lives an hour away. I had been in bad relationships before, and I have to admit I was a bit scared and I was holding back trying not to get hurt again. Last week, he asked me why I never seem to ask him to do anything together or ask to see him. I didn't know what to say. It really made me reflect. I replied that I would try my best. We were suppose to see each other Friday and he only texted me around noon. I was waiting for him to text me. He asked if I wanted to see a particular film and I said no, but if he would like to go we can hang out another time ( I was at the mall when he texted me). From there, he said that all morning he was waiting for he to text him and that I he thinks I am not ready to be in a relationship because he has been demonstrating his desire to be with me and I have not been doing so equally. He said I would rather be at the mall than be with him ect. Was I wrong ? I felt really bad. He said that I should take some time to think about what I really wanted. It hurt me a lot but I found that there was some truth to what he said. But I did think about it and I told him that I really want to see where things go with him. Since this incident, he has been distant. He has stopped texting me first and does not text me many times throughout the day like he use to. He has stopped complimenting me and putting hearts of kisses at the end of his texts.. What does this mean? Have I blown it ? Is he waiting to see if I step up and be more demonstrative or has he lost interest ? I am really starting to go crazy over this trying to figure out what it means. I want to fix things but I do not know how. I asked him to see each other this week, but the night that he was free I wasn't. Since then I have not asked him to go out. Should I ask again, I don't want to seem to desperate or too needy or bother him when he is mad at me. Any advice would be appreciated.

[PaperCrane]

I see the word "try". Here. You shouldn't have to "try" to be a relationship with someone. If you're really into someone, you'd bounce at the chance to spend time with them, especially at the one month mark.

 

I honestly don't see much spark or potential here.

 

From what I read, and as a man, I'd feel repeatedly rejected and strung along. Although it seems not your intent, it is what it feels like on the receiving end.

[empresario]

No, I don't think you've done anything wrong.

 

You should never feel bad for living your life the way you want. He is shaming you for being independent.

 

Believe it or not, a big manipulation tactic is getting a girl to pursue you and become dependent by withdrawing emotionally. It forces you to cater to what he wants in order to get what you want.

 

This tactic is a reverse 'covert contract'. Meaning, he will be nice to you if you give him exactly what he wants. It's what most psychologically-damaged people do once the normal covert contract relationship doesn't work (meaning he was nice to you because he wanted you to fulfill him...not because he wanted to be nice to you).

 

I would be very careful with this. I hope I'm wrong, but I see a man that is trying to control you. To turn you into what he needs to feel good about himself.

 

From what you've said, you've done nothing wrong. If the manipulation, shaming, and threats are bad now...think about what they will be later once the guise of 'new relationship smell' wears off.

[PaperCrane]

^^^

 

This is also a very distinct possibility.

[SawtoothMars]

No, I don't think you've done anything wrong.

 

Disagree.

 

I don't understand where you people get this idea that women don't need to put effort into anything. It is stupid. Any decent man would be generally unhappy dating the queen of lazy. Even worse this is just ****ty game playing on her part.

 

OP needs to either put some effort into this or end it.

[Redhead14]

Hi everyone.

I met this great guy about a month ago. Everything was going well. He was very caring, texts me and called me daily and was even willing to come see me even though he lives an hour away. I had been in bad relationships before, and I have to admit I was a bit scared and I was holding back trying not to get hurt again. Last week, he asked me why I never seem to ask him to do anything together or ask to see him. I didn't know what to say. It really made me reflect. I replied that I would try my best. We were suppose to see each other Friday and he only texted me around noon. I was waiting for him to text me. He asked if I wanted to see a particular film and I said no, but if he would like to go we can hang out another time ( I was at the mall when he texted me). From there, he said that all morning he was waiting for he to text him and that I he thinks I am not ready to be in a relationship because he has been demonstrating his desire to be with me and I have not been doing so equally. He said I would rather be at the mall than be with him ect. Was I wrong ? I felt really bad. He said that I should take some time to think about what I really wanted. It hurt me a lot but I found that there was some truth to what he said. But I did think about it and I told him that I really want to see where things go with him. Since this incident, he has been distant. He has stopped texting me first and does not text me many times throughout the day like he use to. He has stopped complimenting me and putting hearts of kisses at the end of his texts.. What does this mean? Have I blown it ? Is he waiting to see if I step up and be more demonstrative or has he lost interest ? I am really starting to go crazy over this trying to figure out what it means. I want to fix things but I do not know how. I asked him to see each other this week, but the night that he was free I wasn't. Since then I have not asked him to go out. Should I ask again, I don't want to seem to desperate or too needy or bother him when he is mad at me. Any advice would be appreciated.

 

He's told you exactly what he expects from you. If you aren't putting forth any effort he feels he's doing all the work. He's told you he's wants you to initiate, how could you then seem desperate and needy?

 

The only time to worry about being desperate and needy is when the man isn't clear enough about his interest in you and you chase him by texting and calling him and/or multiple times.

 

If someone expresses a need and you want to accommodate that, that's what you should do. You did initiate and it wouldn't work for that day, so offer another one. Do this now and if he doesn't accept it, you likely have blown it. Try it and see what happens. You don't have anything to lose except your mind if you don't step it up some.

[empresario]

Disagree.

 

I don't understand where you people get this idea that women don't need to put effort into anything. It is stupid. Any decent man would be generally unhappy dating the queen of lazy. Even worse this is just ****ty game playing on her part.

 

OP needs to either put some effort into this or end it.

 

You are running under the assumption that all people work the same way. Do some research into the science of attraction. You will learn there are several types of attachment styles. None of them are wrong. They are just different.

 

I have dated women that text me once a day, and I have been with women that text me every 30 seconds. Both had their complications but neither was wrong.

 

I mean, your post comes off a bit arrogant. Who are you, or anyone for that matter, to define what effort she should be putting into the relationship at which juncture? It's not like they are married with 5 kids. This relationship is brand new. Neither is wrong, they are just mismatched.

 

Also, I would implore you to research relationship abuse and manipulation. Forcing someone to move at a different speed or in a different way is psychologically abusive.

 

If she wants to change to be his ideal partner, then fine, she can do what she wants. But what I'm arguing is she should not feel FORCED to change. That's an early indicator of a very controlling relationship and is not healthy. And as someone that has helped a lot of women get over abusive relationships...the deeper one sinks into that kind of mindset the more destructive it is long-term...even into other relationships.

 

 

tl;dr: This is a 1-month relationship. She should not avoid going to the mall in order to be available to him. She should not put him before a single damn thing in her life right now. All she needs to be doing is figuring out if this guy is a match for her.

[SawtoothMars]

You are running under the assumption that all people work the same way. Do some research into the science of attraction. You will learn there are several types of attachment styles. None of them are wrong. They are just different.

I have dated women that text me once a day, and I have been with women that text me every 30 seconds. Both had their complications but neither was wrong.

I mean, your post comes off a bit arrogant. Who are you, or anyone for that matter, to define what effort she should be putting into the relationship at which juncture? It's not like they are married with 5 kids. This relationship is brand new. Neither is wrong, they are just mismatched.

Also, I would implore you to research relationship abuse and manipulation. Forcing someone to move at a different speed or in a different way is psychologically abusive.

If she wants to change to be his ideal partner, then fine, she can do what she wants. But what I'm arguing is she should not feel FORCED to change. That's an early indicator of a very controlling relationship and is not healthy. And as someone that has helped a lot of women get over abusive relationships...the deeper one sinks into that kind of mindset the more destructive it is long-term...even into other relationships.

tl;dr: This is a 1-month relationship. She should not avoid going to the mall in order to be available to him. She should not put him before a single damn thing in her life right now. All she needs to be doing is figuring out if this guy is a match for her.

 

Asking for what you want isn't psychological abuse or manipulation. You have just completely gone of the deep end here.

 

People that need space and want to move slow are still willing to initiate contact. That's kind of a requirement for a relationship.

 

Think about what she is saying. They had a talk about how she is being LAZY and never initiating contact. Basically doing her best to make her BF feel like she doesn't care. She admits to being wrong and promises to make a change. Then the next story she relates is HER waiting all morning for HIM to initiate contact, just so she can physically show him how unimportant he is to her. This is crappy behavior on her part.

 

If she had said that she was busy shopping and he contacted her unexpectedly, I would buy into your theory. However, she was expecting him to contact her. She was expecting this even after a conversation where she promised to put in some effort. That is just game playing.

[empresario]

Asking for what you want isn't psychological abuse or manipulation. You have just completely gone of the deep end here.

 

People that need space and want to move slow are still willing to initiate contact. That's kind of a requirement for a relationship.

 

Think about what she is saying. They had a talk about how she is being LAZY and never initiating contact. Basically doing her best to make her BF feel like she doesn't care. She admits to being wrong and promises to make a change. Then the next story she relates is HER waiting all morning for HIM to initiate contact, just so she can physically show him how unimportant he is to her. This is crappy behavior on her part.

 

If she had said that she was busy shopping and he contacted her unexpectedly, I would buy into your theory. However, she was expecting him to contact her. She was expecting this even after a conversation where she promised to put in some effort. That is just game playing.

 

I will agree that she shouldn't wait for him to contact, that point sticks out a little obtusely.

 

 

However, and this is the way it's described, it seems rather apparent to me that he is doing more than 'stating his expectations' in the relationship. He is finger-pointing. I see a lot of it. Again, this takes her side of the story as fact. But anyone that finger-points instead of evaluating what they can do to turn things around seems like a very selfish person.

 

 

And does she want to change? Only she can tell us that. She understand she has to change to keep the relationship going. Whether she should or will, that's not up to us. As I say anytime people want their other (or themselves) to change...people change when they want to, not because they have to (long-term at least).

[d0nnivain]

this man point blank told you that he wanted you to initiate more because he didn't think you made him feel like a priority. Instead of asking him on a date you sat back. When he took the initiative you turned him down.

 

Re-examine your behavior & think about how you would feel or what you;d think if he was treating you the way you treat him.

 

Now make it up to him. Design a date for this week. Call him in a little while & invite him out, your treat.

 

If you are unwilling to do that, let him go find a woman who is into him.

[ExpatInItaly]

this man point blank told you that he wanted you to initiate more because he didn't think you made him feel like a priority. Instead of asking him on a date you sat back. When he took the initiative you turned him down.

 

Re-examine your behavior & think about how you would feel or what you;d think if he was treating you the way you treat him.

 

Now make it up to him. Design a date for this week. Call him in a little while & invite him out, your treat.

 

If you are unwilling to do that, let him go find a woman who is into him.

 

This. I don't see anything wrong with him wondering why you never initiated after he'd clearly shown an interest in you. I think he just wanted to know if you are on the same page as him. in terms of relatively equal effort being put forth. He didn't feel that from you.

 

If you would like to revive it, try d0nnivain's suggestion above.

[kadmoore]

I've tried. He has started to ignore my messages. Should I just ask him if he is still interested? I texted him today to ask him out and no response..

[ExpatInItaly]

I've tried. He has started to ignore my messages. Should I just ask him if he is still interested? I texted him today to ask him out and no response..

 

If he ignoring you, there's no need to text him anymore. Consider it over.

[d0nnivain]

I've tried. He has started to ignore my messages. Should I just ask him if he is still interested? I texted him today to ask him out and no response..

 

Call him

 

Texting is a terrible way to communicate especially when things aren't smooth

[kadmoore]

So. An update. I asked him twice to tell me when he would be free and both times he replied he would let me know. What does that mean? He still does not texts me first but always responds quickly in a nice manner. Includes "xxx" always. I'm so confused. I'm about to give up. I've been texting him everyday for a week multiple times a day and he is still distant. Is he making me wait ? Is he mad ? Or is he just not interested. Im about to ask him!

[Redhead14]

So. An update. I asked him twice to tell me when he would be free and both times he replied he would let me know. What does that mean? He still does not texts me first but always responds quickly in a nice manner. Includes "xxx" always. I'm so confused. I'm about to give up. I've been texting him everyday for a week multiple times a day and he is still distant. Is he making me wait ? Is he mad ? Or is he just not interested. Im about to ask him!

 

Stop it now. Now you are being the reverse -- desperate and clingy. He became distant. You leave him be. He does respond some now and with xxx? He doesnt want to see you on a regular basis anymore, but he will give you breadcrumbs to keep you on a string in case others don't work out. You sre now the back up plan. . .

[stillafool]

So. An update. I asked him twice to tell me when he would be free and both times he replied he would let me know. What does that mean? He still does not texts me first but always responds quickly in a nice manner. Includes "xxx" always. I'm so confused. I'm about to give up. I've been texting him everyday for a week multiple times a day and he is still distant. Is he making me wait ? Is he mad ? Or is he just not interested. Im about to ask him!

 

 

I think this is your best bet at this point.

[Maggie4]

You should initiate because you want to see him, not because you are supposed to do your part. And so you did rather want to be at the mall instead of be with him? No sparks? Many it happens with you slowly. It is a problem when one person is ahead of the other.

[kadmoore]

No. I wanted to see him. I guess I was afraid of being vulnerable and contacting him first. Which is weird because he shown a lot od of interest. It's me. I just had bad experiences before and I didn't open up or reciprocate when he showed genuine interest.i maybe needed more time. I regret it and I apoligized and tried. What else can I do.. I think there is no point anymorw. But at least I've learned aomething

[Redhead14]

No. I wanted to see him. I guess I was afraid of being vulnerable and contacting him first. Which is weird because he shown a lot od of interest. It's me. I just had bad experiences before and I didn't open up or reciprocate when he showed genuine interest.i maybe needed more time. I regret it and I apoligized and tried. What else can I do.. I think there is no point anymorw. But at least I've learned aomething

 

Don't project past experienes into the present. It is unfair to you and potential dating partners. Let them have the opportunity to demonstrate who They themselves are. If a man asks you out on proper dates, is consistent with contact and treating you with respect to begin with, and hes askes you for a date and you like him enough, you go. If he asks you a few times, pays for all of them, communicates in between, you shoukd start to initiate communication and plan things with him. You say you wanted to see him. Why negate your wants and needs if there is no good reason shown by that person that tells you you need to protect them.

[kadmoore]

I agree. Probably too late with him now. But I'll know for the future

[AndOrchid]

Are you sure you're actually into him or more into the attention he was giving you?

 

If I wanted to see a guy, I would never just say no to a movie and be quick to suggest hanging out another time. You could have instead suggested something else for you to do if you really didn't want to see that movie. Which is why I'm not sure you're that interested in him. Either way, it sounds like it may be too late for him but maybe it's not a big loss.

[kadmoore]

I decided to stop texting him and let it go.

[kendahke]

Hi everyone.

I met this great guy about a month ago. Everything was going well. He was very caring, texts me and called me daily and was even willing to come see me even though he lives an hour away. I had been in bad relationships before, and I have to admit I was a bit scared and I was holding back trying not to get hurt again. Last week, he asked me why I never seem to ask him to do anything together or ask to see him. I didn't know what to say. It really made me reflect. I replied that I would try my best. We were suppose to see each other Friday and he only texted me around noon. I was waiting for him to text me. He asked if I wanted to see a particular film and I said no, but if he would like to go we can hang out another time ( I was at the mall when he texted me). From there, he said that all morning he was waiting for he to text him and that I he thinks I am not ready to be in a relationship because he has been demonstrating his desire to be with me and I have not been doing so equally. He said I would rather be at the mall than be with him ect. Was I wrong ? I felt really bad. He said that I should take some time to think about what I really wanted. It hurt me a lot but I found that there was some truth to what he said. But I did think about it and I told him that I really want to see where things go with him. Since this incident, he has been distant. He has stopped texting me first and does not text me many times throughout the day like he use to. He has stopped complimenting me and putting hearts of kisses at the end of his texts.. What does this mean? Have I blown it ? Is he waiting to see if I step up and be more demonstrative or has he lost interest ? I am really starting to go crazy over this trying to figure out what it means. I want to fix things but I do not know how. I asked him to see each other this week, but the night that he was free I wasn't. Since then I have not asked him to go out. Should I ask again, I don't want to seem to desperate or too needy or bother him when he is mad at me. Any advice would be appreciated.

 

It's not desperate or needy to extend yourself to show interest.

 

Either you want to date this guy or you don't. You need to make up your mind and then act like however you decided to proceed.

 

He's not extending himself because he has already done that and you've come across with a "meh" attitude.

 

If you want to develop anything with this guy, then you're going to have to do a whole lot more initiating of contact. I think you may have blown it with this particular guy... his window may have shut on you. If the night you picked to go out was one he couldn't and vice versa, then you ask him about the next time you're free and see if he is.

[kendahke]

No. I wanted to see him. I guess I was afraid of being vulnerable and contacting him first. Which is weird because he shown a lot od of interest. It's me. I just had bad experiences before and I didn't open up or reciprocate when he showed genuine interest.i maybe needed more time. I regret it and I apoligized and tried. What else can I do.. I think there is no point anymorw. But at least I've learned aomething

 

Instead of trying to date someone new, it may be a better use of your time and energy to get this past relationship resolved once and for all so you're not dragging that baggage into a new involvement for the guy to unpack for you. That heavy lifting is on you, not them.