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game change


lavenderlove

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I am really over the crash and burn cycle of dating.

 

I don't think that any strategy will prevent rejections, and certainly will not guarantee success but I just really want to try a different approach to dating men. Because I feel like a change.

 

I would appreciate you opinions on how you would feel if your dating partner had these boundaries (also note I made no specific time limits, it is all about pacing the actions aligned with the emotions):

 

 

1. I don't want to approach men with the idea of building romantic interest. What I mean is that I don't do OLD, and the people I usually meet I can totally catch up with as friends or work type stuff etc. Whenever possible I like the idea of just getting to know someone instead of having the feel of the interactions being like a date if you know what I mean.

 

2. I like the guy to initiate, until then I don't even want to think about him as a potential person to be with. I know this is hard to control...I pick up on attraction and attention from men rather quickly and I don't want to be non-responsive, it is hard to explain, I want to consider someone romantically only once they reach out to me that way.

 

3. Intimacy. this is tricky, because one kiss can make my head spin around really fast, and this is were I loose track, I think oh, it's just an innocent kiss, just to let him know that we are not in the friend zone, but one kiss usually totally does me in, after that sex just follows on the next date. So I want to make sure that he is interested in dating me exclusively before I kiss him. Ideally by this stage we would have spent some quality time together... This may sound like a big ask, but for me it's such an easy thing, I mean I just simply don't do the multiple dating thing and I don't know how other people manage. When I do anything in life I like to give it my full attention. (I guess i have to find someone who thinks along those lines)

 

4. I just don't want to sleep with people I don't love. I am over the whole casual crap, and the let's see where this goes BS, and I think that having sex with someone you have chemistry with is just not going to be a turndown, so it's not like you have to try on a jumper to make sure it fits early on. And I am not willing to give my body to someone who is not invested in pursuing a relationship with me. This sounds like and even bigger ask, but then only a few decades ago women wouldn't have sex unless the marriage was sealed...I know contraception and independence ;-) were invented since but my body reacts a certain way to being intimate with someone and that is still to do with biology I guess.

 

So here it is. I have been burnt many a times, because I am a very very spontaneous optimistic and loving person, and whenever I meet someone "great" I usually throw all caution to the wind.

 

So question to everyone: if I express that I like someone along the way and explain -if it comes to it -that I would like to take it slow and why... is this form of behaviour too crazy and outdated?

 

How would you react? And if you really really really would like someone would you be happy to respect these boundaries?

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Good luck with that because the majority of men don't invest their feelings (fall in love) before sex. I tend to agree. Love is something that built up to from the emotional and physical intimacy.

 

Nothing wrong with keeping your legs closed to see what their intentions are, and you both want the same thing. But even then you or he can change your mind and see it's not working out. This works best with communication, not assumption.

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You are overthinking. You don't have to explain anything to men. Just do. They'll figure it out. The less said the better. They will look at your actions and you at theirs. They'll know just by the way you carry yourself that you're not interested in casual.

 

Just know that not doing OLD will limit your options. Just saying.

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Good luck with that because the majority of men don't invest their feelings (fall in love) before sex. I tend to agree. Love is something that built up to from the emotional and physical intimacy.

 

I don't know about that because there are tonnes of men and women here talking about how much they fall for someone just after meeting them a couple of times...people fall in love with people they don't even know...people fall in love with people they know will never be theirs...love is a strange thing

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You are overthinking. You don't have to explain anything to men. Just do. They'll figure it out. The less said the better. They will look at your actions and you at theirs. They'll know just by the way you carry yourself that you're not interested in casual.

 

Just know that not doing OLD will limit your options. Just saying.

 

 

That's kind of nice to hear because I hate explaining myself and wish people would just get it.

 

OLD I don't do because I live in a weird place that isn't small but due to it being kind of closed off from the outside world a little bit people tend to know one another. I keep naturally meeting more and more people as I spend more time here and I just really don't feel the need for it. I tried it, and after three months of being on there messaging people I didn't like anyone enough to catch up. Thing is I am an artistic person and I just know from experience ( I used to be super open to hugely different people to me) that only those relationships work for me where the other person is similar in that respect thus I tend to move in those circles...I know this makes me sound like a snob but trust me I tried...it's also that most people don't get the idea that spending an entire day staring at a tree can be the most amazing and productive time. So OLD is not my cuppa

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I don't know about that because there are tonnes of men and women here talking about how much they fall for someone just after meeting them a couple of times...people fall in love with people they don't even know...people fall in love with people they know will never be theirs...love is a strange thing

That isn't love that is infatuation.

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Infatuation, I guess yes you can probably label many situations as that where there is no real knowing of who the other person is. Most of the ones I listed above were such examples that wasn't the point though....

 

So smackie do you actually think that intimacy is a prerequisite to falling in love?

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