Space??!!

[lola59]

My boyfriend and I have been together 6 years, we have lived together 5 years. We recently had a fight that turned into him bringing up every past fight, rolling it into one and saying he's not arguing anymore. And he needs space. How do we have space when we live together?! I'm so miserable over this and how distant, cold, sometimes mean, and he's sleeping on the couch. This is going on 3 weeks!!!! We did finally talk this past weekend, it got us nowhere.

 

I'm so distraught,stressed and sad over this. I have no idea what to do??!!

 

Is this the end? Wouldn't he have ended by now?

Why is he still stewing over this??

 

How do I give him space?

 

How can I destress, stay sane? I can't even do anything in the house (like clean, etc) because I'm so stressed.

[katiegrl]

My boyfriend and I have been together 6 years, we have lived together 5 years. We recently had a fight that turned into him bringing up every past fight, rolling it into one and saying he's not arguing anymore. And he needs space. How do we have space when we live together?! I'm so miserable over this and how distant, cold, sometimes mean, and he's sleeping on the couch. This is going on 3 weeks!!!! We did finally talk this past weekend, it got us nowhere.

 

I'm so distraught,stressed and sad over this. I have no idea what to do??!!

 

Is this the end? Wouldn't he have ended by now?

Why is he still stewing over this??

 

How do I give him space?

 

How can I destress, stay sane? I can't even do anything in the house (like clean, etc) because I'm so stressed.

 

 

Ask him to move out for awhile (or forever), that's how. If HE won't then you move out (stay with a friend, a family member).

 

I'm sorry hun.... ((hugs))

[Gary S]

Ouch.........when your lover says they need space, that's often prelude to a breakup.

 

But for now, if anything will help, space will... how can you get space? - Leave the house and go shopping or to work, or do something outside of the house. Or spend more time in another room in the house.

 

What else is going on in the relationship, why is it going downhill?

[lola59]

I don't know, everything has been fine. The only issue has been communication and that has been my lack of. I think he's fed up but I'm working on it.

[katiegrl]

I don't know, everything has been fine. The only issue has been communication and that has been my lack of. I think he's fed up but I'm working on it.

 

In your original post you wrote this:

 

 

We recently had a fight that turned into him bringing up every past fight, rolling it into one and saying he's not arguing anymore.

 

 

I'm so miserable over this and how distant, cold, sometimes mean, and he's sleeping on the couch. This is going on 3 weeks!!!! We did finally talk this past weekend, it got us nowhere.

 

I am sorry hun, but that does not sound like "fine" to me.....at least not in HIS eyes.

 

 

Sounds like he is done....

 

 

He wants space....give it to him. Move out, leave him a note and tell him he can have all the space he wants....

 

 

When he's ready to talk, let him come and find you (don't say that in your note).

 

 

Three weeks of him not speaking to you in unacceptable... it's emotional abuse actually (withdrawal of attention, physical and emotional affection, combined with verbal abuse?).

 

 

Please leave.... is there a friend you could stay with? A family member?

Edited September 1, 2015 by katiegrl

[lola59]

He hasn't been completely ignoring me. He's just extremely distant and every time I try to talk to him he says "I'm not doing this, I'm not arguing." Then I ask how long is this going to go on for, it's not fair to me.

[lola59]

He's says I made him this way now for the way I've treated him.

[katiegrl]

He hasn't been completely ignoring me. He's just extremely distant and every time I try to talk to him he says "I'm not doing this, I'm not arguing." Then I ask how long is this going to go on for, it's not fair to me.

 

I know...after telling us how distant, cold and mean he is, how he doesn't talk to you and sleeps on the couch...going on THREE WEEKS, and how miserable you are like this and not sure how long you can go on.... we (I) -- for your own emotional well being and happiness -- suggest you move out of this toxic and unhealthy situation.... and give him the space he says he wants......this is where you jump in and start defending him.

 

 

I get it...

 

 

Okay hun, good luck, I hope it works out for ya.

[Gary S]

More information........... sometimes when men get angry, they like to go into their cave.......women are different and sometimes want to talk more, they like to tend and mend.

 

Just give him some time for his mood to change.

 

The most famous relationship book in the world, "Men are from mars women are from Venus", covers this difference between men and women in detail.

[katiegrl]

More information........... sometimes when men get angry, they like to go into their cave.......women are different and sometimes want to talk more, they like to tend and mend.

 

Just give him some time for his mood to change.

 

The most famous relationship book in the world, "Men are from mars women are from Venus", covers this difference between men and women in detail.

 

Gary dear....I hardly think a man being distant, cold and MEAN, and withdrawing his attention and affection, refusing to speak to her FOR THREE WEEKS, is what John Gray had in mind when discussing "the cave."

 

 

Come on now!!!!

[Gaeta]

A relationship of 6 years, 5 living together, if you want to save it I suggest you head to couple counseling. You admit being a bad communicator. It won't solve itself on its own, you need to learn communication skills both of you.

[Gary S]

Gary dear....I hardly think a man being distant, cold and MEAN, and withdrawing his attention and affection, refusing to speak to her FOR THREE WEEKS, is what John Gray had in mind when discussing "the cave."

 

 

Come on now!!!!

 

- you do have a point.........3 weeks is a long time.

 

What Gaeta said, recommending counseling, is a good idea also.

[lola59]

I'm not defending him. I have treated him less than good, during my PMDD cycles. But that is all he is seeing right now. He's just seeing all bad. And it is not all bad, if it was all bad would it have lasted 6 years?

He's saying that's he's not him anymore, that he's been patient and caring and kind with me but it's built up to now. And he's not putting up with it. I keep asking, is it over? Is that what you want? It's not fair to leave me in such a gray area of "space."

And I just don't understand why now? He said he should have put his foot down long ago.

 

I can't bear the thought of this being over. I don't want it to be over. I don't want to move out.

[lola59]

At one point he did suggest counseling. Now he's just angry and said no.

[katiegrl]

I'm not defending him. I have treated him less than good, during my PMDD cycles. But that is all he is seeing right now. He's just seeing all bad. And it is not all bad, if it was all bad would it have lasted 6 years?

He's saying that's he's not him anymore, that he's been patient and caring and kind with me but it's built up to now. And he's not putting up with it. I keep asking, is it over? Is that what you want? It's not fair to leave me in such a gray area of "space."

And I just don't understand why now? He said he should have put his foot down long ago.

 

 

 

Is this what he calls "putting his foot down"? Being distant, cold, mean, and withdrawing his attention and affection for three weeks?

 

 

Sounds more like a "punishment" to me. Sweet! Just adds to his charm I guess huh.

 

 

Apologies for the sarcasm, but I would not tolerate his behavior for ONE minute, let alone three weeks.

 

 

Just me......

 

 

Yeah take Gaeta's advice and get to couples counseling... pronto!

 

 

Good luck!

[lola59]

I think he's still angry. I keep trying to talk to him and it seems like that amps him up more and draws it out longer. Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut. But I feel like getting all your thoughts out is good instead of bottling them out but maybe guys are different.

Another thing about the space thing. We have always since we first started dating everyday talked on our lunch breaks. He is still calling me on our lunch breaks. Wouldn't someone that needs space not do that?

I do feel like the way he is treating me is more of a punishment than him needing space because he just seems mad. I guess I need to let him cool down.

The sad part is our 6 year anniversary is Friday.

Maybe once he cools down, he will agree to counseling.

[nescafe1982]

And it is not all bad, if it was all bad would it have lasted 6 years?

 

Just to note that relationships with toxic patterns last a long time. It's not only possible for a bad relationship to last 6 years. It's typical.

 

OP, you guys sound 'stuck.' He's literally stuck on the couch! You've been together in a home for five years, and it sounds like whatever the communication issues are between you, they are entrenched and you two are at an impasse.

 

Something big needs to change in the way you communicate.

 

It sounds to me like you've been making effort to bridge that communication gap. Who knows if your approach is the best one... but you ARE trying. Kudos to you!

 

What concerns me, though, is the contempt he's showing for your attempts. Insisting he needs space. Insisting that he's done talking. Hmph. You two will never sort out the problem if you keep pretending it's not there. He needs a wakeup call.

 

I would +1 the counseling idea. If he's not into it or keeps being contemptuous, there's nothing you can do. One of you will have to move. And he's already halfway to the front door, it seems.

 

Good luck! This sounds like an awful reality to be living in. I hope things resolve soon... whatever that looks like.

[Gary S]

And I just don't understand why now? He said he should have put his foot down long ago.

 

.

 

- Because his love level finally dropped down to the breaking point.

[LuckyLady13]

Lola, you did not "make" him this way because you can't make a person any which way. His emotional state, especially after having weeks being cold and distant, has been all his own responsibility and doing. If he's still stewing, that's a choice he's made for 3 weeks.

 

He's exerting control over you in every way he can right now. Shutting you down when you try to resolve your problem and sleeping on the sofa to withhold affection?

 

Before I say anything else, the healthiest thing for you to do is leave this emotionally and mentally abusive control freak. That is honestly the best thing you can do for yourself.

 

Is this the end? Sort of. He's trying to separate himself from you mentally and emotionally before moving out. It hasn't worked in 3 weeks because you guys have been together for 6 and he's attached to you.

 

You are attached to him as well. Again, the best thing you can do for you is leave him because he is mentally abusive. If you want to try to save this, though, you're going to have to give him space but give him more than he bargained for and be very polite when you do it.

 

-Get a membership for a gym nearby if you don't have one and take a class.

 

-Spend quality time with your friends.

 

-If you have a hobby, pursue it more than you've been the past 6 years.

 

-Volunteer at a homeless shelter or animal shelter.

 

-Go to your public library and read up on how to effectively communicate and use the computer THERE to check in at LS, post or whatever you do online.

 

-Schedule up a few "movie nights" with friends and family (don't forget to bring popcorn!).

 

-If you have a little extra cash, do some shopping and get a new outfit or two to feel better about yourself.

 

Doing things like this will give him space, start reminding you of who you were before the two of you started dating and bring your self-esteem back up to a much better level. You'll resemble more the person you were that he fell in love with when you met.

 

I want to warn you about something. He's got such control over you right now and if you give him the space he says he wants, he's going to lose control over you and he won't like it and will most likely put up a fight. Possibly a big fight. Just be polite and reassure him you're trying to help him get the space he really needs.

 

Please continue to post on LS if you stay with this guy. People are going to tell you to break things off with him because this situation isn't healthy for you. If you stay with him, in the very least, posting here and hearing feedback from the great people here will keep your head straight about things he's telling you.

[lola59]

Thank you. Moving is the absolute last resort. I don't want the relationship to end.

When things are good they are great. But right now they are not. And I do take some blame but I'm ready to fix it and move forward and communicate fully.

I'm fully giving him credit because he has tried in the past and I've always been the stubborn one. He really legitimately has been patient. However, I feel like this is fixable. And I feel like he's not seeing the big picture, he's only focused on the negative.

And it's not like all we have done in the past is fight, no blow up fights. It sounds so melodramatic and I don't feel like it is. And I'm not trying to diminish his feelings on the matter. They are valid of course.

He said that he said all he needs to say, where he stands and talking now is just repeating it. He said he needs to get back to how he is because he doesn't feel like himself. Maybe space is what he needs but now that I want to communicate, it's hard to keep my mouth shut.

I think the biggest thing is I don't hold onto things. I'm not a grudge holder. I get over things quickly, I've always been like that. I can never stay mad at anyone. And he's the opposite, he takes any conflict as a personal violation and insult and holds onto it for a long time.

I'm praying he will agree to counseling at some point.

Thanks for the advice and for "listening."

[Ami1uwant]

What was the issue that led to this fight?

[lola59]

And the 3 weeks is a long time but this is unprecedented. It has NEVER lasted this long before. Usually we will have an argument and resolve it the same day or the next. That's why I'm so distraught over it. I just keep waiting for him to fold. To soften up and talk to me tenderly like he usually does.

I know he reached a breaking point. But maybe that is good because now I finally see that my lack of communication is causing a lot of harm. It's also not good because it is really taking a toll on this relationship.

He is a good man, he is not abusive mentally or emotionally. He really is good and I'm not trying to defend him. It's just reading like he is a bad guy and he is not. Yes he is behaving badly now, but he reached his breaking point. No it's not fair to me but he's trying to establish some boundaries I guess.

I really am heeding the advice you guys have.

[nescafe1982]

I think the biggest thing is I don't hold onto things. I'm not a grudge holder. I get over things quickly, I've always been like that. I can never stay mad at anyone. And he's the opposite, he takes any conflict as a personal violation and insult and holds onto it for a long time.

I'm praying he will agree to counseling at some point.

 

This is a common codependent relational pattern. That he will not tolerate conflict of any kind is a toxic demand on your relationship. That you cannot stay angry, perhaps even when anger is the justifiable response, is accommodating behaviour.

 

It's not a healthy way to conduct a relationship... but I think you're aware of that. I hope he eventually decides that he wants to get better and you two can make it work.

 

But if not, please don't hesitate to get out if you need to.

[highseas]

OP, have you been the one who is distant and cold and not expressive with your feelings for him? If so you need to change that and shower him with some of those expressions if you want to salvage this.

 

I also agree that seeking professional help is good as a couple.

[lola59]

The tipping point I guess was a fight we had over him going to the neighbors 60th bday party. He was invited without me and went of course. I got a little upset over that, but who wouldn't? It was a Saturday night and he went. Looking back I probably shouldn't have cared but I didn't understand why he didn't even take me. But that's another long story -he's close to them and I am not. So I should have been more understanding. And it's not the fact of him doing something without me. We have a healthy independence as well as togetherness like any couple has.