laelithia Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Hi Everyone, In an effort to get over my past relationship that ended in mid July, I've been casually going on dates. Recently, I met someone who I am very interested in. I didn't expect this to happen so soon after the end of my relationship, but he definitely has all the qualities I am looking for in a partner (that I can tell this early on, for now it's just potential). For instance, he has a very good career, is a gentleman, very intelligent and attractive. That being said, I noticed he very rarely contacts me other than to set up plans for a date. We've been average about 1-2 dates per week since the 18th, all have been initiated by him and have gone really well. I'm concerned though, since he doesn't contact me much in between dates. I'm not sure if this is a bad sign, a good thing, or just how he is. He will usually contact me every few days to set something up, but doesn't seem to enjoy small talk. He will, however, answer all conversation I initiate, but I've stopped doing that. When we are together, the conversation flows effortlessly and I find the time passes very quickly. Each date he has seemed to plan out thoroughly, for instance one date I told him I'm not a very good cook, and he mentioned he would like to teach me. Last Friday, he invited me over to his and he made/taught me to make a beautiful meal (I'm talking steak, salmon, salad, potatoes, desert- it was like a 4 course meal!). I'm wondering if his lack of communication means he is seeing other people (I met him online) which I suppose I can't blame him for since we haven't talked about exclusivity or anything. I'm a bit rusty on the early stages of dating (I keep dating exes...) so I'm not sure when we should even go there. We've had 4 dates now and I really like him, but obviously it's still quite early. Is his lack of communication a bad sign? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 It's not a bad sign in light of everything else (e.g. dating frequency, effort, interest in doing things you might enjoy). There are no hard and fast rules in dating. Looking at the big picture is the best way to assess things. Everything else here is strongly positive. He's interested and engaged in making this work with you. Does the lack of communication bother you? Or is it acceptable to you? When something like this comes up, if it's bothersome to you, just chat with him about it. Keep it light and flirty, and avoid coming across as negative or critical. You're just curious and trying to get to know him better, while conveying your preferences. You're two total strangers. It's going to be impossible to divine what the other person likes or wants all the time. Communicating your needs and understanding each other's perspective is a critical part of dating and any developing relationship. It's never too early to get the ball rolling! 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 He contacts you for dates. Thats a good thing. It would be bad if he only called you all the time to chit chat and never ask you out. If you see him a few more times, it would be ok to talk to him about his preferences regarding communication in between. Some people just aren't phone or text people. As long as your dates include quality conversation, there shouldn't be a whole lot to talk about after anyway. If you dont want to bring it up, You could send him something light now and again and observe how he responds. If it seems he isnt all that into it, back off that's all. Don't send two in row if he doesn't respond though. If he's really slow or short with response, end the exchange and talk at some point. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 A lot of men don't like texting and/or small talk. I'll be lucky to hear from my BF of almost a year more than once a day via text. His best guy friend tends to call him more than I do, and when he does, my BF just listens with a bemused look on his face for 20 minutes while he friend rabbits on and on. When BF gets off the phone he rolls his eyes and calls it, "his daily update." You've been on FOUR DATES, please keep it in perspective. You're both well within your rights to be dating others at this point. My advice is to focus on what he's doing WELL, and not focus so much on this one little thing. If you want a guy to text, find a gay BFF. I have much better texting chemistry with mine than with my BF. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Are you intimate? Did you tell him you were only looking for casual dating? because that is what you're getting. Link to post Share on other sites
Oregon_Dude Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 He's doing exactly what he should be doing to not get friendzoned by you. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Some guys are very communicative between dates. I've learned on LS that some guys aren't. My boyfriend calls me every night if we aren't together, and he'll call me briefly when he first wakes up...because he misses his sunshine. That's been true from the time we first met. We'll also text occasionally during the day. We've never run out of things to say or ways to amuse each other, either on the phone or in person. For us, it helps to build anticipation and excitement for the next date. The more we talk and get to know each other, the more there is to say and share. Everyone is different. If you prefer more communication, mention it. If you're okay with things as is, but were just nervous that maybe he should be reaching out more, don't worry. Rest reassured that this guy acts interested and seems to like you quite a bit. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 You've only been dating him since August 18th, that is less than two weeks. You see him TWICE a week...when exactly, once during the week and once on the weekend? If so, I'd say that's pretty good, and if it were me I would be very satisfied with that. Also you said you have texted him and he always responds. Fabulous! Why did you stop doing that since obviously you enjoy talking to him in between your dates? Not getting that. Oh nevermind, I get it. You want HIM to initiate all your dates AND all the texts. I see. I think you need to scale down the expectations and enjoy this developing relationship. When you feel more comfortable, you can tell him you'd love to hear from him in between your dates. That you enjoy that connection. If it were me, I would not bring it up now though... it's been less than two weeks. It sounds like he really likes you...so relax and enjoy! My $.02. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
xcupid Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 There is no lack of communication from him from what I can see. He's doing what he should - asking you out on dates and responding when you text. He's not going gaga and inundating you with texts during the day or night. Be thankful of that. Let things unfold and don't overthink. Good luck. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Now I AM confused. OP has been single for 6 weeks and wants to do some casual dating. Isn't it what she is getting? OP why you expect more? You want to casually date but with more connection and romance? This man is also aware you've been single for 6 weeks, why would he invest more time, connection, feelings, expectations in you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author laelithia Posted September 1, 2015 Author Share Posted September 1, 2015 Thanks for the feedback everyone. I think I'm used to guys texting me all the time so when he doesn't, it feels a bit off. But when I look at the bigger picture and take a step back, I'm happy where things are going. We have been intimate which I think is another reason I'm worried where things might go, but when I think about it I'm more than happy to keep things at the pace they are at now Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 Thanks for the feedback everyone. I think I'm used to guys texting me all the time so when he doesn't, it feels a bit off. But when I look at the bigger picture and take a step back, I'm happy where things are going. We have been intimate which I think is another reason I'm worried where things might go, but when I think about it I'm more than happy to keep things at the pace they are at now Just out of curiosity, what do your dates consist of? Do you actually go out and do fun things together? When you do have sex, does he (or you if you are at his) spend the night? Spend the following morning together? Link to post Share on other sites
Author laelithia Posted September 1, 2015 Author Share Posted September 1, 2015 Just out of curiosity, what do your dates consist of? Do you actually go out and do fun things together? When you do have sex, does he (or you if you are at his) spend the night? Spend the following morning together? The first three was dinner, they were all on a weekday and I work late most days. Last date was at his and it was kinda an all day thing, and I slept over and he made us breakfast. He had a rugby game in a different city though so I left around noon. He did send me a video of his team celebrating his win that day so I suppose I should keep that in mind (normally he doesn't text at all other than to set up the dates) Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 The first three was dinner, they were all on a weekday and I work late most days. Last date was at his and it was kinda an all day thing, and I slept over and he made us breakfast. He had a rugby game in a different city though so I left around noon. He did send me a video of his team celebrating his win that day so I suppose I should keep that in mind (normally he doesn't text at all other than to set up the dates) Fabulous....it all sounds good! Glad you're feeling a bit better about it all. Have fun and keep us posted! Link to post Share on other sites
pleasedtomeetyou Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 I've had this very conversation with many of my male friends. It seems to be a 50-50 split. Some men do the daily brief catch-up text and some do not. It's all about their personal preferences. So, I don't think you can say with any authority that this lack-of-texting is indicative of the relationship. It may just be his style. Why don't you try initiating a random non-date related text? His reaction to this will give you a better indication. Try doing it at a convenient time (say 8pm if he works a standard 9-5 schedule), so you are more likely to get a quick response. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 There is really nothing to worry about. Some guys just font like to talk on the phone or text early in a relationship. They want yo interact with her face to face so they save conversations till then. Link to post Share on other sites
Author laelithia Posted September 1, 2015 Author Share Posted September 1, 2015 I have noticed that he's quite active on the site (it doesn't say how often, but he is usually near the top of the "active users" list). Should I be concerned about that? Link to post Share on other sites
pleasedtomeetyou Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 (edited) I have noticed that he's quite active on the site (it doesn't say how often, but he is usually near the top of the "active users" list). Should I be concerned about that? I would say it's unfair for you to be upset with him about this, since you have not discussed being exclusive. Also what does being "quite active" mean? Does it mean he's looking at many profiles, messaging lots of people etc. or could it merely be that he is logged in often? For all you know, he may be "quite active" on there and he's looking at many profiles but thinking to himself "hmmm, none of these women are any match for the women i'm seeing at the moment." By your interpretation, this would qualify as being quite active but it doesn't necessarily mean his interest in your is waning. You can't really read too much into a man's activity level on an OLD website. Edited September 1, 2015 by pleasedtomeetyou 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gary S Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 In the beginning, that's what he's supposed to do, call only for a date........you can talk all you want on the date. 93% of communication is body language and facial expressions anyway, which you can only get in person, so it's smart. What's not to like? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author laelithia Posted September 1, 2015 Author Share Posted September 1, 2015 I would say it's unfair for you to be upset with him about this, since you have not discussed being exclusive. Also what does being "quite active" mean? Does it mean he's looking at many profiles, messaging lots of people etc. or could it merely be that he is logged in often? For all you know, he may be "quite active" on there and he's looking at many profiles but thinking to himself "hmmm, none of these women are any match for the women i'm seeing at the moment." By your interpretation, this would qualify as being quite active but it doesn't necessarily mean his interest in your is waning. You can't really read too much into a man's activity level on an OLD website. You make a lot of good points! I actually have no idea what it means, as there's no section that shows when they were online/talking to others/just opening the app etc. I suppose I just gotta take a chill pill! Link to post Share on other sites
Author laelithia Posted September 1, 2015 Author Share Posted September 1, 2015 In the beginning, that's what he's supposed to do, call only for a date........you can talk all you want on the date. 93% of communication is body language and facial expressions anyway, which you can only get in person, so it's smart. What's not to like? Very, very true. I actually don't like texting for this very reason. I suppose the only reason I worried about it was because I thought it might be a sign of little interest Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 You make a lot of good points! I actually have no idea what it means, as there's no section that shows when they were online/talking to others/just opening the app etc. I suppose I just gotta take a chill pill! Not to be a negative nellie...but since you are having sex.... and you don't know for sure what he's up too....I hope you're using protection. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pleasedtomeetyou Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 Not to be a negative nellie...but since you are having sex.... and you don't know for sure what he's up too....I hope you're using protection. Seconded. With online dating, you should always use protection until the exclusivity talk. Link to post Share on other sites
Author laelithia Posted September 1, 2015 Author Share Posted September 1, 2015 Definitely using protection. I did (with liquid courage) ask him if he was seeing anyone else to which he said no, but I don't necessarily think he felt like he could say anything else Link to post Share on other sites
fitnessfan365 Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 In the end, you can't date your phone. So what matters most is the actual dates. Since they've all been enjoyable and you really like his company, just focus on that. As far as his interest goes, I'd say pay attention to his actions. I mean you say the guy has a great career so he's probably busy day to day (why he's not interested in chit chat on a daily basis). However, he still makes time to see you twice a week. Link to post Share on other sites
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