GirlyGurl Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 I gave been dating this 42 year old guy for about two months now. We see each other 4 or 5 nights a week and are intimate. Things click and we have a great time. A couple of weeks ago he let me know his parents would be coming for a visit. I figured it would be for a couple of weeks or so. I find out it is for three months! He is from Europe so I guess parents come for longer visits but I sure wished had told me before we ramped up. Ok...I am thinking things will change a bit but I can handle it. Boy, was I mistaken now that they are here. He now goes outside to talk to me. He doesn't want me to meet them and he lies to them when he comes to see me. I am in my 50s and I find this absurd behavior but more was to come. He can't spend the night with me while his parents are here as his mother will worry. WTF?? So his grand plan is to come visit on Saturday night, leave around 11 and come back on Sunday morning. I was speechless. I am ready to pull the plug on this but I want to make sure I am not being unduly harsh. He tells me it is not a competition but I feel like I am getting scraps and forced to eat them out of sight in the corner. I tried to talk to him and he says he is trying and doing the best he can and then drops into a "life sucks woe is me" mentality. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. I need some help. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Are you sure it's his parents and not his wife that's come for a visit? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author GirlyGurl Posted August 31, 2015 Author Share Posted August 31, 2015 Interesting question and one I asked myself as well. I did check him out before we got serious and to the best I was able to understand he is not married or otherwise involved. Also, when we talk on the phone outside it will be for a couple of hours in the late evening. I would think a wife would be having a hissy fit if he was outside and on the phone that long. Link to post Share on other sites
edgygirl Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Either he's a man-child or he doesn't see you as a long-term partner. Either way... next! Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 I wouldn't mind him not spending the night with me out of respect for his parents, however the fact that he doesn't want you to meet them is a huge red flag. Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 If you don't like how he is handling the situation, why are you still with him? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 (edited) Interesting question and one I asked myself as well. I did check him out before we got serious and to the best I was able to understand he is not married or otherwise involved. Also, when we talk on the phone outside it will be for a couple of hours in the late evening. I would think a wife would be having a hissy fit if he was outside and on the phone that long. No, I meant that his wife might live in Europe and has come to visit him. It's not unheard of, especially if they are working on securing a visa/permit for her and she cannot live there permanently yet. If she doesn't understand English, he could say he's talking to anyone and she would be none the wiser. That could also explain how it's so easy to hide from you; a foreign marriage would not be tricky to find documentation of if you don't speak or understand the language of his home country. Could also be a child he hasn't told you about. Or perhaps his parents really are there, but they have no idea their son has a girlfriend..perhaps because he does have a wife or girlfriend at home. The only other possibility I could see is a religious or ethnic issue: what is his country of origin? In some places in Europe, communities are still divided along religious/ethnic/cultural lines and crossing that boundary could be a huge taboo. But I'm guessing if that were the case, he'd have already told you. Sorry, but I think you're being taken for a ride here. Something doesn't add up Edited August 31, 2015 by ExpatInItaly 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bcnguy Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Sounds strange, May I ask why haven't you talked/confronted him yet? Link to post Share on other sites
xcupid Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Totally absurd. He's hiding something. If he won't introduce you to his family now when they're visiting, when will he do so? Listen to your intuiton. Time to move on and find someone else IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GirlyGurl Posted August 31, 2015 Author Share Posted August 31, 2015 He is an American citizen from Italy. He was married to an American citizen but is now divorced. He has not been back to Italy in 12 years. His parents come every year for three months. Apparently his mother had some hand in the breakup of his marriage and he claims he is protecting me. I have confronted him. He tells me he is working on it whatever that means. I too think something us not adding up but I am a naturally suspicious person so I just want to make sure my concerns are not the rantings of a crazy woman. At least he us not trying to gas light me or tell me I am crazy. He listens to my concerns in an adult manner and then tells me he is doing the best he can do. I have thought about telling him we will see each other after they leave but to what end? I will have moved on. Darn it all. I really liked this guy and we clicked like a house on fire. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 He is an American citizen from Italy. He was married to an American citizen but is now divorced. He has not been back to Italy in 12 years. His parents come every year for three months. Apparently his mother had some hand in the breakup of his marriage and he claims he is protecting me. I have confronted him. He tells me he is working on it whatever that means. I too think something us not adding up but I am a naturally suspicious person so I just want to make sure my concerns are not the rantings of a crazy woman. �� At least he us not trying to gas light me or tell me I am crazy. He listens to my concerns in an adult manner and then tells me he is doing the best he can do. I have thought about telling him we will see each other after they leave but to what end? I will have moved on. Darn it all. I really liked this guy and we clicked like a house on fire. I am a Canadian living in Italy, so almost the opposite situation! I simply cannot fathom an Italian mamma being so over-protective of her 42-year-old son that he cannot stay a night with his girlfriend. Especially if he's been married before. Yes, some traditional old mammas are certainly dominant and their sons are mamma's boys, but I haven't seen it played out to such an extreme. Any Italian mamma I've met (and I know quite a few!) wants to meet her son's love interest, especially if she isn't Italian herself. There's more to this story that you don't know, I am sure. I don't buy his version of events. I would simply tell him you need to know the truth or it's over. Link to post Share on other sites
menyou Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 I think this is actually an ok situation. You are only 2 months in. Might be good just to see how you handle it all. What if he had gone to Italy for 3 months? If you think there is something for the future with this guy I feel you might be jumping the gun on getting upset. He seems to be really doing what he can to maintain a relationship with you while they are here. Maybe you just got used to the 4/5 days a week and overnights that actually happened quickly in this relationship. If he didn't call or see you at all that's when you should worry. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 You have to understand his culture before accusing him of anything. You've ONLY been dating 2 MONTHS it's too soon to be introducing you. I don't see anything wrong in him not wanting to tell his parents at his point and I see nothing wrong with him going back home for the night out of respect for his parents. RELAX. What's the big deal that he doesn't spend the night over!!! You know what's gonna happen if he tells his parents about you? They will nag and nag about him getting married and he will never see the end of it. There might be other things at play that you know nothing about. Did he have children with his ex? If not than his parents may be prejudiced to the fact you are older and cannot give them grand children. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Clarence_Boddicker Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Put an end to that immediately or walk away. Go there when his parents are there & demand a proper introduction as his girlfriend or you will dump him on the spot. You have nothing to be ashamed about & neither should he. He's being super disrespectful to you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
menyou Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Put an end to that immediately or walk away. Go there when his parents are there & demand a proper introduction as his girlfriend or you will dump him on the spot. You have nothing to be ashamed about & neither should he. He's being super disrespectful to you. I can see the restraining order now.... Wow! Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 I gave been dating this 42 year old guy for about two months now. We see each other 4 or 5 nights a week and are intimate. Things click and we have a great time. A couple of weeks ago he let me know his parents would be coming for a visit. I figured it would be for a couple of weeks or so. I find out it is for three months! He is from Europe so I guess parents come for longer visits but I sure wished had told me before we ramped up. Ok...I am thinking things will change a bit but I can handle it. Boy, was I mistaken now that they are here. He now goes outside to talk to me. He doesn't want me to meet them and he lies to them when he comes to see me. I am in my 50s and I find this absurd behavior but more was to come. He can't spend the night with me while his parents are here as his mother will worry. WTF?? So his grand plan is to come visit on Saturday night, leave around 11 and come back on Sunday morning. I was speechless. I am ready to pull the plug on this but I want to make sure I am not being unduly harsh. He tells me it is not a competition but I feel like I am getting scraps and forced to eat them out of sight in the corner. I tried to talk to him and he says he is trying and doing the best he can and then drops into a "life sucks woe is me" mentality. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. I need some help. I think that you need to just walk away from this if it isn't working out for you. You can't force him to integrate you into his parent's life if he's not ready to do that--and at basically 8 weeks in, I'm inclined to agree with his approach right now. What he proposed isn't going to kill you or the momentum, unless you are chasing him already. It might be a good idea for you to just step back and observe and see if what you two had can even develop of the legs to stand for the long haul. 2 months of a few nights of sleep overs isn't strong enough right now to withstand an assault by his mom, whose tack with kneecapping marriages seems pretty on point if she was able to get her son to put his marriage asunder. Be glad that he's not throwing you under her bus--I'd say that the fact that he's cognizant of her tactics and what/who he wants to protect speaks volumes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GirlyGurl Posted August 31, 2015 Author Share Posted August 31, 2015 Whoa....I didn't say anything about meeting his parents. I respect the boundaries he is placing on that score. But I feel like a high school kid when he has to go outside to talk to me, lie to his parents to see me or ping pong me around on plans. Why can't he say he is going to see a friend and leave it at that? Aren't Italians allowed to have friends? Not to mention what this is doing to my attraction for him . A man that can't at least say he is going out for dinner with a friend when his parents are going to be here for three months is a little concerning to me. And, they apparently do this every year. So I deal with it now or I deal with it next year but it sounds like I have to deal with it one way or the other. I do feel disrespected though he doesn't understand why or he is claiming not to understand why. I guess if he admits he understands why he would be somewhat obligated to do something about it. In any case, I have decided after reading these excellent responses is to dial it back. I am going to be kind and nice and moderately responsive but I am going to carry on with my life. If he steps up he steps up. If he doesn't then he doesn't and better I know after two months than two years. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GirlyGurl Posted August 31, 2015 Author Share Posted August 31, 2015 Clarence, You had me laughing. I could never and would never do as you suggested. I think and hope you were kidding or trying to get a point across. I cannot imagine showing up at someone's door and demanding to meet the parents. First they don't speak English and would think I had taken the bus to Crazy Town. He would appropriately seek a restraining order and I would be a puddle of protoplasm wondering what the Hell I just did. But it made me laugh and I needed that laugh today. The theme song reel that ran in my head was the music from the Wizard of Oz when the school teacher was riding her bike...haha Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 I'm inclined to agree with the more conservative posters. You've been dating for two months. He's known his parents for 42 years. Chances are if he thinks it's not a good idea to bring you up to them yet, then it isn't. Dating is not seen as such a casual thing in a lot of the world. In India, where my BF is from, people just don't date casually, period. His parents would have a heart attack if they knew he had a white American GF who spends half her time at his apartment. I mean, I get it OP, it's annoying. How long have they been here? Maybe he is easing them into the idea. Having them here for three months means that his whole life is upended, too, so maybe a bit of patience on your end is in order. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 42 and what, does he have a curfew? Not allowed to friends over for sleepovers? Dump him. Red flags and issues. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gus Grimly Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 But I feel like a high school kid when he has to go outside to talk to me, lie to his parents to see me or ping pong me around on plans. rofl, yeah .. whatever. Keep making excuses for the guy. He is a 42 year old man, he's an adult, not a 16-year-old going through puberty. Walk away, just do it. I've learned from my last relationship that Red Flags don't ever change color and they don't go away. What excuse could he give that would suffice for you to say; "Oh, That's reasonable"? I can't think of one, well one that makes any sense that is. Link to post Share on other sites
menyou Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 I'm a little shocked that anyone feels this guy is off base with not having private conversations with his *very* new GF within earshot of his parents. Not inviting her over for a slumber party with his parents. And having to go home each night to his home where his elderly European parents are lodged up. This is the exact thing that I do with my BF and children in most situations. Why are his parents any different? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
martaldn Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Considering the avarege age normally the Italian men leave the parents house I'm surprised he still not living with them! ? I think you should give him bit of time to work this out with his parents. Italian family can be very protective so probably he wants to be sure about how to tell them about you. You only been dating for 2 months. Regardless the age his is still his mummy boy so give him time. Why this rush? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss_Bee Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 He's acting like a 13 year old that isn't allowed to date. Or someone that is having an affair. I'd cut my losses and leave. Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 OP, I don't think you should take it personal. It could very well be that he has a problem in the relationship with his parents that he doesn't want to share with you (well, he kind of did by telling you that his mom interfered in his marriage). Plus his parents don't speak English so just "casual" introduction is out of the picture (he'll need to turn into a translator for the evening). Oh, and I know enough Italians to say that the mother figure there is very strong there. Even at later stages of life. This thread hits me on the wrong spot since I have myself a very difficult relationship with my parents, and has never introduced to them a date/boyfriend to them respectively. My exes really overreacted to that, and my current bf thankfully start showing some understanding after I shared some of the dirty laundry. But your bf may not be able or willing to go into nasty details if there are any so... I think the best move is to respect his decision. I gave been dating this 42 year old guy for about two months now. We see each other 4 or 5 nights a week and are intimate. Things click and we have a great time. A couple of weeks ago he let me know his parents would be coming for a visit. I figured it would be for a couple of weeks or so. I find out it is for three months! He is from Europe so I guess parents come for longer visits but I sure wished had told me before we ramped up. Ok...I am thinking things will change a bit but I can handle it. Boy, was I mistaken now that they are here. He now goes outside to talk to me. He doesn't want me to meet them and he lies to them when he comes to see me. I am in my 50s and I find this absurd behavior but more was to come. He can't spend the night with me while his parents are here as his mother will worry. WTF?? So his grand plan is to come visit on Saturday night, leave around 11 and come back on Sunday morning. I was speechless. I am ready to pull the plug on this but I want to make sure I am not being unduly harsh. He tells me it is not a competition but I feel like I am getting scraps and forced to eat them out of sight in the corner. I tried to talk to him and he says he is trying and doing the best he can and then drops into a "life sucks woe is me" mentality. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. I need some help. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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