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Am I playing too hard to get?


jam.over.jelly

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jam.over.jelly

So I met this guy on Tinder (I know I know). We went on 2 really amazing dates, had a lot of fun, I definitely feel a strong chemistry there. Anyhow, he's been texting me every single day. I think I might have initiated twice, other than that he's the one to always text me first (Which I like), and he's also the one to ask me to hang out. So after the 2nd date (it was on a Tuesday), he asked me on Thursday to hang out on that Friday. I had plans so I suggested Sunday instead. He agreed. BUt then Saturday, while texting back n forth, he told me he MAYBE had to take a raincheck, cuz he had been procrastinating and not fixing his work truck for two weeks, he said he would have to fix it. He said "Hopefully see you tomorrow". I didn't think much of it, and told myself if he didn't text me before 3, there would automatically be no date. And I didn't hear from him til 6pm, by that time I already made other plans. He didn't say anything about the previous plans being cancelled, he just sorta texted me "heyyy". And then we texted for a bit, then he asked what Im doing tomorrow. I was annoyed as to he always asked me out the day before, and not much in advance, so I told him I was busy, and asked him whats up. He said "I will be in the city tomorrow" (I live in the city). I replied "OK have fun". We texted a bit more but that how it pretty much went. Should I have agreed to hang with him the next day although he technically cancelled SUnday date? Or did I handle it right? Some people say Im playing too hard to get and he will lose interest.

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As a man. I would have thought you were very low interest.

 

Also not haveing a "counter" offer and making up silly ulitimatums like. If I dont hear by 3pm I ll cancel and not let him know.

 

Talk about setting off on the wrong foot.

 

Playing hard to get? Maybe but also very lazy in arranging a date for someone you like. I wont be surprised if he fades or gives up.

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Yeah - if you're trying to communicate lack of interest, you're doing a good job. He's in your area, asking to spend time with you, you have nothing going on, so you naturally make up an excuse not to see him...plan on being single a while...

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I would be bothered by the last minute thing too, but I'd offer alternate dates and communicate with him more clearly that you need a few days advance notice, since that's how your schedule is now. This will smooth out in time, if you keep dating and you'll start having "regular" date nights. I'd say loosen the rules a bit and see what happens. At least you try.

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Why play high school games when you aren't in high school? I have never understood when either sex pulls this stuff. If you want to spend time with them, let them know. If you want punish them then you shouldn't be dating until the maturity level raises a couple notches.

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Cinnamonstix

I see absolutely nothing wrong with what you're doing. You're communicating you have standards through your actions. End of story.

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Dating on weekends is tough. People will usually be busy or cancel on you at the last minute.

 

I think this one is a lost cause, but you handled it alright.

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Versacehottie

I think you did ok. I think when he said he was coming to the city, it was his way of trying to make it up to you AND if you have objections to being asked last minute like that, it would have been better to say: oh shoot, I already have plans but next time if you give me more notice, I'd love to see you when you here. That's how you curtail the behavior you don't like.

 

Now we both know it was more than that. It's accumulating the stuff from the last week. A bit of miscommunication perhaps and now each side is digging in so as not to lose face. I think he's thinks you are not as interested as you should be as the guys who posted on this thread have indicated. And I think you are doing some preventative measures for him starting to act like a jerk. You didn't mention it but I think it's very likely that he's starting to fade too. That said, I agree and wouldn't have accepted a date after 3pm (he basically kept you in limbo all day!!) nor would I have accepted a date on the monday (you did have plans after all and he did jerk you around). I don't know whether you did or didn't. I would just have handled those declines with very sweet tone so that he could get the message of how he needed to plan better but not think I was losing interest. I would have suggested an alternative for Monday, such as what day are you back in the city later this week? we should get together.

 

So I think little adjustments and make sure your tone/mood with him is good and that you offer alternatives but no I don't think you are overall playing too hard to get. good luck.

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Couple of things.

 

There is nothing wrong with being busy. You have a life; this is a good thing!

 

No need to get *annoyed* when he asks you out the day prior. Many men simply don't get that women appreciate and like being given a few days notice; it's just a mars/venus thing.

 

As for me, I am very spontaneous, so I had no problem when a man asked me out the day prior. If I did not already have plans, I would go!!

 

Often times, I was busy though, but would always offer alternative day...

 

So when you *are* busy, always give him an alternative date....

 

Your response on Sunday (for Monday's invite) was really cold IMO.

 

You were annoyed he asked you out only one day in advance, so your response was "I'm busy, what's up." He said he was gonna be in your area, and you respond "have fun."

 

Ouch! Yes I would say your response in that instance indicates very low interest. If you were trying to send him the message you were annoyed at the *day prior* invite, you did a very poor job IMO.

 

Next time, when you are busy, suggest an alternative day! "I would love to, but I am busy tomorrow, how about Wednesday? Are you free then"?

 

Just like you did that time he asked you for Friday... and you suggested Sunday.

 

That said, I am not too sure how high HIS interest level is either. He cancels Sunday "maybe" because he has unfinished work to do?

 

What's with the maybe? Does he have unfinished work to do or not? That sounds shady, like he was waiting to see if something else (more interesting) was gonna happen first, and if not then he'd go with you.

 

Then he does not call till 6:00 and simply says "heyyyy"?

 

IMO, THAT indicates low interest on HIS part.

 

If you want to continue dating him fine, but don't close off your other options. I doubt HE is, hence the Sunday debacle.

 

Good luck!

Edited by katiegrl
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jam.over.jelly

So i really didn't have any plans today, I was just, you know, annoyed that he flaked out on me on sunday and to not say anything about it, and just asked me what im doing on monday, so I told him I was busy (although in reality Im not). Anyhow, I gave in, and because I truly wanted to see him, I texted him saying that my plans got cancelled, and asking him if he would be feeling adventurous today, I would take him to this graffity pier in the city if/when he replies(it's a cool hidden spot of the city). I dont know at this point. I feel like he's genuinely interested in getting to know me, as he never went one day without talking to me, and always be asking me to hang out. But then again I could be wrong. It has been a while since I feel this spark with someone so it would be very sad to mess it up.

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jam.over.jelly

i'm keeping my fingers crossed he will reply, and hopefully it will be a yes. lol! It has now been 4 hours since i texted, but i guess he's just busy

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What's wrong with most of the responds here? Low interest in OP? It's the guy who never makes plan more ahead of time. To me that sounds like a last minute time killing plan for him. I agree with Katie. I see very low interest from this guy. I swear he won't do this to his friends - a "maybe" to see a friend?

 

I've just been through a similiar situation which a date always "maybe" me and made last minute plan - a few hours ahead only! Four of my guy friends were all saying no-no. One of them said that he enjoyed his own life too much and was too busy to let me in. Hope you know what I mean here, OP

 

I would make own plans without waiting on him in this case. Way ahead of time. The next time he makes contact to arrange a last minute hangout, just let him know the plan was made days ago and that's the habit. Offer him another day. See if he will adjust.

 

Good luck, OP. Think twice of keeping this guy.

Edited by Strahatmak
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What's wrong with most of the responds here? Low interest in OP? It's the guy who never makes plan more ahead of time. To me that sounds like a last minute time killing plan for him. I agree with Katie. I see very low interest from this guy. I swear he won't do this to his friends - a "maybe" to see a friend?

 

I've just been through a similiar situation which a date always "maybe" me and made last minute plan - a few hours ahead only! Four of my guy friends were all saying no-no. One of them said that he enjoyed his own life too much and was too busy to let me in. Hope you know what I mean here, OP

 

I would make own plans without waiting on him in this case. Way ahead of time. The next time he makes contact to arrange a last minute hangout, just let him know the plan was made days ago and that's the habit. Offer him another day. See if he will adjust.

 

Good luck, OP. Think twice of keeping this guy.

 

You could view it that way (low interest), because he doesn't make plans well in advance, but believe it or not, there is a large fraction of the population that are effectively averse to making plans (i.e. the Perceiving Myers Briggs personality type), and consequently, even the night before is likely making plans well in advance for those individuals. For me, personally, while I usually lock the day down for an early date a few days in advance, I usually don't have anything figured out until an our or two before we meet. I'm the kind of guy that will take a 6 week road trip, with the only plan being to be at the end point on more or less a target date - no hotels, routes, or anything else figured out...you can't seriously say that someone that has that type of personality is going to make plans way in advance.

 

The point, 12-24 hours is planning in advance for a non-trivial fraction of the population - it's pretty naive to assume that there is no way that they could be that interested. Whether or not you like the type of person that doesn't plan is another question, but instantly assuming that they are not interested because their idea of planning is different than yours is a bit silly...

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I don't think you did anything wrong.

 

He is the one who agreed to a date, only to say that he "maybe" couldn't make it the day before, and then actually flake on the day without saying a word and not acknowledging it in his texts. Then, when he contacted you, he still didn't even ask you out properly, just asked what you were doing since he's apparently going to be in your area anyway.

 

I can see why you would be bothered by that. Anyway, I don't think he is putting too much effort in this so I agree you should keep your options open.

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What's wrong with most of the responds here? Low interest in OP? It's the guy who never makes plan more ahead of time. To me that sounds like a last minute time killing plan for him. I agree with Katie. I see very low interest from this guy. I swear he won't do this to his friends - a "maybe" to see a friend?

 

I've just been through a similiar situation which a date always "maybe" me and made last minute plan - a few hours ahead only! Four of my guy friends were all saying no-no. One of them said that he enjoyed his own life too much and was too busy to let me in. Hope you know what I mean here, OP

 

I would make own plans without waiting on him in this case. Way ahead of time. The next time he makes contact to arrange a last minute hangout, just let him know the plan was made days ago and that's the habit. Offer him another day. See if he will adjust.

 

Good luck, OP. Think twice of keeping this guy.

 

I'd rather get no response than a "maybe". What's to think about? Yes or no.

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jam.over.jelly

I think I read too much into the situation than it really is. UGh. Don't know why i have a tendency to just overreact and then **** everything up. So he appologized for taking forever to reply cuz he was in a long meeting, and to reply to my offer of hanging out today, he said he could not because he has a lot more work to do than he expected. So i texted him "well, if you ever want to hang out again, u know where to find me". He then replied "Of course I want to hang out with you again. Do you not?". So i texted "Haha of course I would love to see you again. Let's save that adventure for another day". I think he likes me and I should just leave it at that. We ll see where this goes

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I honestly don't understand the over analyzing that happens quite often around here.

 

1. He said maybe he could meet Sunday.

2. He texting at 6 PM after the scheduled maybe time

 

Perhaps he though that maybe he could finish whatever task he had to do in time Sunday and it did not work out. Maybe he could have handled the communication better with sorry got tied up at work or whatever, but the fact is he did communicate back which does show interest.

 

He then attempted at hinting at a make up time which he received a very brutal response. If i was him I would have dropped it all right here.

 

My Point is we don't have enough information to say he is or is not interested. If he was not interested i don't understand why he even attempted to text back that day period. Just because somebody cant get free at a moments notice does not mean they are not interested. Things pop up and we cant always reach out right away to say so.

 

Could he have handled this better? yes. But come on we all don't handle everything 100% right every-time. Especially if one is nervous trying to be with somebody new.

Edited by Walters
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No one said he had NO interest. Some of us (me) think he has LOW interest, that's all. Or is presenting himself as if he has low interest.

 

 

And I base this on his response Saturday/Sunday. First accepting.. then reneging with a "maybe."

 

 

Then waiting until 6:00 on Sunday to get back with a lame "heyyy." With NO mention of the scheduled date.

 

 

In my world that's low interest. If that's not considered low interest in your world, so be it.

 

 

I agree her response on Sunday to Monday's invite was bad and indicated HER low interest.

 

 

Since she does NOT have low interest, he may not have low interest either -they both could have high interest, but something is getting lost in translation.... and they need to communicate better!

Edited by katiegrl
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I was annoyed as to he always asked me out the day before, and not much in advance

 

OP's words. So this is her type of dating she is looking for: planning ahead of time. Either OP gives in or her date gives in and meet in the middle ground.

 

They only have 2 dates, not 2 months with multiple dates already, so there should be no assumption that the dating partner stays the weekends or some evenings open to his/her date. Asking out ahead is basic especially for weekends. There's no need for a detail plan; a simple solid, firm commitment to meet up in a specific day should do and STICK TO IT.

 

OP, if you want to get what you desire, tell him directly. Say you'd be happier if you hear from him earlier, in a nice, friendly and playful way but no more riddles or going around the circle. If he doesn't give in and you are annoyed by his habit, then you'd better think if he's making you happy with his way.

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You could view it that way (low interest), because he doesn't make plans well in advance, but believe it or not, there is a large fraction of the population that are effectively averse to making plans (i.e. the Perceiving Myers Briggs personality type), and consequently, even the night before is likely making plans well in advance for those individuals. For me, personally, while I usually lock the day down for an early date a few days in advance, I usually don't have anything figured out until an our or two before we meet. I'm the kind of guy that will take a 6 week road trip, with the only plan being to be at the end point on more or less a target date - no hotels, routes, or anything else figured out...you can't seriously say that someone that has that type of personality is going to make plans way in advance.

 

The point, 12-24 hours is planning in advance for a non-trivial fraction of the population - it's pretty naive to assume that there is no way that they could be that interested. Whether or not you like the type of person that doesn't plan is another question, but instantly assuming that they are not interested because their idea of planning is different than yours is a bit silly...

 

In contrast, my vast majority of friends without a firm respond indicates a LOW interest to an event. They are being mean to 1, wait until something more interested to him/her to come up and, 2, ditch the others with less guilt because they simply never give a firm answer.

 

To me, the answer is simple: yes or no. Giving a "no" doesn't need an explanation, too. I will tell the others to "count me out" if I am uncertain.

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I think I read too much into the situation than it really is. UGh. Don't know why i have a tendency to just overreact and then **** everything up. So he appologized for taking forever to reply cuz he was in a long meeting, and to reply to my offer of hanging out today, he said he could not because he has a lot more work to do than he expected. So i texted him "well, if you ever want to hang out again, u know where to find me". He then replied "Of course I want to hang out with you again. Do you not?". So i texted "Haha of course I would love to see you again. Let's save that adventure for another day". I think he likes me and I should just leave it at that. We ll see where this goes

 

Ya just leave it. He doesn't even offer you another day to meet after your offering. Now you see what kind of a guy he is. I doubt he can give you the happiness you want.

 

Go and know some other guys now.

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Being hard to get is fine. Playing hard to get is inappropriate game playing.

 

If you hate his habit of asking you out last minute, first you reach out to him & plan a date in advance so he sees what it looks like. For example, today is Monday. Ask if he'd like to get together on Thursday. On Thursday (or whenever you see him for that meeting which was arranged in advance) say to him that you are a busy person & your scheduled fills up fast so you would appreciate it if he could make plans more than a day in advance.

 

Lying to a guy & saying you have plans when you don't in an effort to break him of the habit of asking you out last minute is manipulative. You don't want to do that.

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