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Is casual dating for everybody?


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Hey there

 

I'm very inexperienced with dating up until the last few weeks... So I've now been getting into the OLD scene (which is ruthless may I add) and i've been on about 5 dates in 2 weeks. A couple more set up for this week and the week after.

 

Is casual dating for everybody? I'm finding it very disappointing going on multiple dates with people you end up not connecting with. Yes, I don't go in with expectations, no, I don't just randomly ask anyone on a date, I need to be attracted to them and have a phone conversation before the date. The date nights are always fun and it's great to meet new people and have a drink and a chat, but then at the end of the night i'm left with this emptiness feeling that I can't connect with somebody like I did in my previous relationship.

 

To add, every date so far except for 1 I have been the one saying I don't want to pursue a second date.

 

I've learnt from my mistake of emotionally investing before actually meeting the person. About 2 months ago I was about to head off on vacation but I ended up building an online connection with a lovely girl from OLD. We kept in contact for 2 months before meeting up after my holiday. Once we met up, we went on a couple of dates, the connection was there but it wasn't sexual (as it had been on the phone prior to meeting), expectations were made way too high prior to meeting and it was quite disappointing and disheartening when we decided to part ways, even though it was for the best.

 

I'm now constantly getting regrets of not continuing to date the above girl because of all the dates that haven't gone well over the last couple of weeks!

 

Any advice for somebody who isn't necessarily looking for the one, but wants to find somebody they connect with? Do I just keep dating until these connections come along?

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Yes, I don't go in with expectations, no, I don't just randomly ask anyone on a date, I need to be attracted to them and have a phone conversation before the date. The date nights are always fun and it's great to meet new people and have a drink and a chat, but then at the end of the night i'm left with this emptiness feeling that I can't connect with

 

 

I felt exactly the same dating online that's why I don't do it anymore.

 

 

BTW; That girl you were dating who you had the connection with, whose idea was it to go separate ways?

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Dating isnt for everyone. For me I used to focus on one girl and then a bit attached.

 

Through time I ve realised you never know if you will connect until you meet up in person.

 

Nowadays I keep my options open.

 

For some of my friends. I have one close friend who is a girl and goes on multiple dates a week. I can hardly keep up with stories and the dates she`s had. Last time she had 3 dates in one week.

 

For another of my lady friends. She doesnt like it as she finds it a disappointment or she gets let down and to protect herself from it. She doesnt do OLD.

 

I think you have to have a strong head for OLD.

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I felt exactly the same dating online that's why I don't do it anymore.

 

 

BTW; That girl you were dating who you had the connection with, whose idea was it to go separate ways?

 

After the first date I was very skeptical, as I didn't feel that 'spark' even though we got on really well and she was lovely. On the first date she was really into me. I guess I gave off that negative vibe so she played the hot and cold treatment.

 

The following week we went on our second date which was also lovely but we both seemed very platonic by then. I was the one to say lets stay friends (and I genuinely meant it), she seemed to take it well on the date but called me up afterwards very upset. Since then I have been having regrets and have tried to give it another shot (even though it's probably just a case of me wanting what I can't have) and rightfully so I got rejected.

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I'm not interested in 'casual' anything.

 

It's not something I genuinely want either. But I believe that you have to go on these 'casual' dates with no expectations apart from meeting a new person and having fun in order to protect yourself from let down and disappointment.

 

Even though I go in with an open mind it's still a let down when you end the night feeling like you haven't made a connection.

 

@Zippy - thanks, I agree, you definitely need a strong head. Am I going at this with the wrong approach? I haven't found anyone that i've wanted to pursue heavily yet that's why i'm going on multiple dates per week.

 

I have a full day at work, eat healthily, go to the gym, head out with friends and/or head on a date. I have a very productive week yet still come home with a feeling of emptiness afterwards! Not sure why :(

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I had dozens of first dates with only a few that I wanted to see again. That's normal for OLD, as you simply can't know how a person will affect you until you meet them. It is a numbers game.

 

It can be as hard (or harder) to meet potentially compatible people in "real" life, though. Yes, you may know immediately if there is attraction, but you still have to spend time to find out if they are compatible - the process is different than OLD, but the end result is the same. And finding prospects may be slower.

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@Zippy - thanks, I agree, you definitely need a strong head. Am I going at this with the wrong approach? I haven't found anyone that i've wanted to pursue heavily yet that's why i'm going on multiple dates per week.

 

I have a full day at work, eat healthily, go to the gym, head out with friends and/or head on a date. I have a very productive week yet still come home with a feeling of emptiness afterwards! Not sure why :(

 

You sound exactly like me. I have a productive week, I have an active bust schedule for work and a multitude of friends I can hang out with.

 

However, its coming back home to an empty flat that bothers me.

 

Ive looked into this for the last 10 years and I think as us being social entities. We need the company of others. Someone special.

 

Ive been on the path to look for that someone and OLD is one of the tools to do so. I dont get so hung up now as I look back and out of all the girls I ve dates. I ve only had 3 girls who liked me back. Looking in the past and if I had 1.2 giga watts and a flux capacitor. I know which girls I should of tied harder with but at the time I thought there werent right for me but realised in later on it was me!

 

I say keep on going at it but dont invest too heavily. Speak to them about a week and get their number. If you do that then try to meet them for a date as soon as you can and not waste time for up to a month and find out she isnt for you in person when you do meet.

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After the first date I was very skeptical, as I didn't feel that 'spark' even though we got on really well and she was lovely. On the first date she was really into me. I guess I gave off that negative vibe so she played the hot and cold treatment.

 

The following week we went on our second date which was also lovely but we both seemed very platonic by then. I was the one to say lets stay friends (and I genuinely meant it), she seemed to take it well on the date but called me up afterwards very upset. Since then I have been having regrets and have tried to give it another shot (even though it's probably just a case of me wanting what I can't have) and rightfully so I got rejected.

 

 

Sorry for the delay. Dog needed walking.

 

 

If I was in that position and had that empty feeling I probably wouldn't have pursued it either, but saying that, if there was neither an emptiness or a spark I would have still given it a go.

 

 

In the past I met a woman who I wasn't attractive too initially but after time I fell in love with her so it just goes to show that initial sparks aren't compulsory.

 

 

I don't think you should beat yourself up about it though.

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Thanks for the responses guys.

 

@Zippy - completely agree, the intense messaging beforehand was a mistake, i've learnt that now.

 

@Siquijor - thanks man, I hate living in regret, but I did have the balls to open up again and tell her I made a mistake, even though I didn't get the answer I want atleast I don't have regret.

 

At the end of the day I had a gut feeling that it wasn't going to work, so I shouldn't be sad about that, I would have just been prolonging the inevitable, but who knows..

 

I will continue to date as planned, hopefully someone right comes along soon! :)

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Snip

 

It's not something I genuinely want either. But I believe that you have to go on these 'casual' dates with no expectations.

 

Why not just expand your social circle, and make new friends?

 

Take up some new interests, and meet people that way?

 

That's the way I would go if I wanted to meet someone compatible.

 

I'm a statistics freak, and if I start to think about the probability of meeting the right person on a random basis, the outlook isn't encouraging.

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You sound exactly like me. I have a productive week, I have an active bust schedule for work and a multitude of friends I can hang out with.

 

However, its coming back home to an empty flat that bothers me.

 

 

I think this is the problem a lot of people need to address. They need to get comfortable being in their own company. I have a friend like this. Great social butterfly, almost obsessive about finding dates so he isn't on his own any evening.

 

Im a very social guy myself, love meeting new people.

But I never mind evenings alone, actually I cherish them especially after a couple of busy days.

 

Get comfortable in your own skin.

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Casual dating is part of the OLD process. If it makes you feel empty, stop doing it. The casual NSA nature of the 1st meet is an inherent part of the OLD process. It can't be avoided because you really don't know about a person until you meet them in person.

 

Do other things to make connections -- join a meet-up group; volunteer; play a co-ed sport; go to business related continuing education classes or networking events. Connect IRL which will cut down on the casual problem.

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