If you quit looking then you will find the one?

[40 Fonzarelli]

I hear some people say if you want a gf/bf...then you should stop searching and it will happen. Do you think this is true? I've been getting discouraged lately but i'm in my mid 30's and want to get married and have a family one day. I feel like time is running out and starting to get worried.

[Gaeta]

No, I don't.

 

I have been single for 11 years.

 

The first 7 years I did not look at all. I concentrated on my career, raising my kid, friends and family. No one magically came to me.

[katiegrl]

I hear some people say if you want a gf/bf...then you should stop searching and it will happen. Do you think this is true? I've been getting discouraged lately but i'm in my mid 30's and want to get married and have a family one day. I feel like time is running out and starting to get worried.

 

I think there is a difference between actively seeking a partner to spend your time and your life with...whether it be via OLD, meet-ups etc (while at the same time being happy on your own and happily living your life) ....... and desperately and overtly searching for someone as if your entire life and happiness depended on it.

 

If you are happy with yourself and your life, and seeking a partner to *enhance* your life, the vibe you give off will reflect that and people will be drawn *to* you...and will find it easier to emotionally connect with you... and vice versa.

 

If on the other hand, you feel *desperate* to meet someone, THAT is the vibe you will give off (no matter how hard you try to hide it) and people will sense that desperation and thus feel turned off by you, making it very difficult to find someone to emotionally connect with.

 

JMO.

Edited August 31, 2015 by katiegrl

[Strahatmak]

Nop.

 

It's just with low expectation, people are easier to be surprised. It never means a woman has to stop to stay femininely and sexually attractive. I know some girls who are very happy with her life but very unattractive to men. No goal = no growth. But if you have a high expectation, you will easily become unhappy, and being happy and positive are main factors to attract men.

 

Okay I know my theory is like a merry-go-round... But everything is tied basically.

 

In my case as an example, the time I wasn't actively looking (very long time ago), no guy was drawn to me because I didn't care to attract a guy, so I had never thought of being attractive. It was a disaster as I was so bad in fashion and unfeminine. Know what I mean?

[shet]

Nothing could be more wrong. Like Gaeta, I can speak from experience. If you don't get out there, nothing comes to you.

 

There's a central issue with the phrase and the concept. Most people are naturally sociable. They have a social network, they go out at least some weekends, they do after work drinks. They grow up that way, with that privilege. What they mean by "stop trying" is just live what their normal life is like, which still brings them opportunities to meet partners. What they mean by "trying" is clubbing Friday and Saturday nights, having accounts on 3 dating sites and every app going, going to singles events etc, full spectrum warfare. For them, the advice works. Stop investing time and effort into "meeting" someone and inevitably it starts going into themselves and doing things they enjoy, which is going to make them happier more enthusiastic, attractive people, and bring them into contact with like minds.

 

There are people, plenty of them, whose default life is not sociable. Either through choice or circumstance. Their free time is spent alone in their apartment, they don't go out, their friends are a bit rubbish, they wouldn't go out with their work colleagues if they still got paid for it. For them, "trying" is doing the things other people do by default. "Not trying" is shutting themselves away as usual. They'll literally never meet anyone. Years will pass, even decades.

[40 Fonzarelli]

I don't think i'm desperate. But I do really want to find her. I'm happy but would be happier, etc.

[40 Fonzarelli]

What they mean by "trying" is clubbing Friday and Saturday nights, having accounts on 3 dating sites and every app going, going to singles events etc, full spectrum warfare.

 

What's wrong with the above? I'm not a super social person so I have to force myself to do the above. Am I going about it the wrong way? Honestly, during the week, as soon as work is over I just want to go home.

[JewelD]

I think whatever is meant to be will be. Although obviously, if you're in your house 24/7 and ignoring people, you're going to make it very hard.

 

But to a point I somewhat agree. I was sooo desperate for a bf when I was younger. I was doing a lot of dating around but I never found anyone who wanted to legit be with me. It happened randomly one night out of nowhere when I wasn't really thinking about dating.

 

Then again, lots of people searching via OLD find their mates because they actively went looking. Personally, I don't think it really matters either way. If the person meant for you is not ready to enter your life, it's not going to matter whether you're looking or not, you're not going to find them until the right moment.

 

I mean, OLD didn't exist until recently, and yet people were still getting married and finding themselves in relationships. Just living your life and being receptive to meeting people is really all anyone needs to do.

[KatZee]

I think more accurately it should be, things come when you least expect it.

 

If you aren't getting out there in the world, you need to. And "getting out into the world" doesn't mean taking care of responsibilities and going to and from work. You will never meet someone this way.

 

This also doesn't mean you go out and search for a relationship. Go out to enjoy yourself, spend time with your friends, and go new places, try new things, eat at new restaurants. Take up new hobbies. When you get out there and you cultivate our own hobbies, you will eventually meet people who are into the same things and THAT is going to be how you meet a potential partner.

[Gottabestrong]

Agree with the others. I don't think someone will mystically appear if you stop looking and thereby also stop putting yourself out there. I never met anybody just coming home from work and watching TV on my couch or spending time at my friends' couches.

 

You probably shouldn't revolve your whole life around meeting someone, (because that will exhaust you and make you look desperate) but you should make sure you leave the house and go to places where you can interact with other people, at least some of whom are potential singles. And if you are not against Online Dating, you should probably try that too. I know there is lots of negativity out there about online dating, but half of my serious relationships (including my current one) came from online dating.

 

Good luck!

[d0nnivain]

I don't think i'm desperate. But I do really want to find her. I'm happy but would be happier, etc.

 

You need to "try" in the sense that you put yourself out there. I went out to new experiences at least 1 day per week in an effort to expand my social circle.

 

You don't want to be desperate. Change your vibe from I really want a relationship & time is running out (which has some desperation in it) to I'm a good catch & I know a quality partner who is right for me & who will enable us to enhance each other's lives is out there. Meanwhile I'm going to have fun & see where life takes me.

[Oregon_Dude]

No.

 

If you keep looking, but are at a good place where you do not CARE whether or not you find someone, you will find one, eventually. Most likely though, it will take years.

 

You will be rejected, reject some, rejected again, again, again, again.

 

The key is to date with a sense of humor and full confidence in yourself at all times. If you for one minute doubt your own value, you're in desperation mode, and them ladies can smell it like another woman's scent on you.

[Miss_Bee]

Yes it's true. I've been single for years, and the moment i stopped looking it happened. When i least expected I should add.

 

But he was a low down dirty little biotch in the end. Played me really bad. Happier single, I've come to be comfortable in my own skin, and i'm pretty jaded when it comes to men. Starting to think i should hop the fence lol jk I really can't do that.

[Jj66]

Since I reject the whole concept of "the one" I would have to say no. The concept of the one has done extreme damage to people's lives over the years.

[Ruby Slippers]

I think that expression is complete BS. When I'm not looking and actively trying to find a good man, I don't meet anybody new. I think finding a good relationship prospect takes every bit as much time and effort as finding a good job, a good place to live, a good anything.

 

What I've found to be essential is to be extremely clear about what I'm looking for, which is real love. Many people these days are looking for something shallow and casual, so that weeds out most of them. Then you're left with the posers, and that small group of people who are also seeking something real and lasting.

[J21]

Unless you are some kinda movie star, famous athlete, or incredibly rich/handsome, a girlfriend isn't gonna just land on your lap.

 

You gotta put yourself out there and "try". Not saying you gotta have accounts in every online dating sites out there, go to every singles event. But you can't just stay home all day, not go out, don't ask anyone out, etc. What do you expect is gonna happen?

 

Every relationship I've had I had to actively "try" in one extent or another.

 

Also, it's nice to have the goal of finding a girlfriend, but you should first start by meeting them and see if you connect. Having a girlfriend is nice, but you want to be with the right person.

Edited August 31, 2015 by J21

[Redhead14]

I hear some people say if you want a gf/bf...then you should stop searching and it will happen. Do you think this is true? I've been getting discouraged lately but i'm in my mid 30's and want to get married and have a family one day. I feel like time is running out and starting to get worried.

 

I think it is often true that once you take the pressure off yourself and are just being yourself, is usually when it happens . Just date casually and relax. No expectations.

[kilgore]

I think what happens is that it becomes less the focus do you find fulfillment in other ways. Then when someone worthwhile comes you feel less desperate and have more to offer

[carhill]

OP, I think this works for some people who are otherwise attractive, where they relax and ease off the pressure and things just flow and the interactions they encounter are more authentic and their attractiveness flows into relationships. Essentially, they let it happen instead of blocking with trying too hard.

 

OTOH, if one is largely invisible, regardless of their relaxed nature regarding romance and exposure to social situations, even when not actively looking, then they'll remain invisible. They need to make overt efforts to become more visible and this varies from person to person. I found, personally, after a decade or so of being invisible, I had to get more 'forceful' for a lack of a better word, and more self-involved and a bit more arrogant. That achieved sufficient notoriety to compete with the other males who were already doing such things and being such ways.

 

Since getting divorced around five years ago, I voluntarily went back to my old ways and became invisible again. The main difference, this time, is I like it. It's not frustrating. Some people can never be invisible, even if they want to be. I'm fortunate I guess. Good luck!

[Eternal Sunshine]

I stopped looking in my mid-20s and didn't have a date in 4 years.

 

My default and relaxed state is to go home after work, go to the gym and watch netflix. Socializing takes an effort as I am naturally introverted with a preference for solitary activities.

 

I had to consciously look every single time I dated someone. Finding a job is such a breeze and takes much less work than dating for me.

 

You know what else? I spoke to a number of women that are now in their late 40s/50s and have never married. One thing all of them have in common? At some point in their mid-late 30s they stopped looking.

 

If you stop looking, you will end up alone.

[henderson14]

Thats not true at all. Usually the people giving that advice are the ones in relationships trying to brag about and "show you their wisdom."

[pleasedtomeetyou]

I've always interpreted that quote in a different sense. I thought it means that if you quit focusing so much energy on dating, finding the one, falling in love etc. etc., then naturally you will become less stressed out, more fun to be around and more open to new experiences. And having those qualities will make it easier for you to find a partner.

 

It doesn't mean you shut up shop and become a hermit who sits at home playing XBox at 9pm on a Friday night.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I've always interpreted that quote in a different sense. I thought it means that if you quit focusing so much energy on dating, finding the one, falling in love etc. etc., then naturally you will become less stressed out, more fun to be around and more open to new experiences. And having those qualities will make it easier for you to find a partner.

 

It doesn't mean you shut up shop and become a hermit who sits at home playing XBox at 9pm on a Friday night.

 

The problem is, a lot of activities you would do on say a Friday night are motivated by dating/meeting someone.

 

I guess OP should say "If you keep doing all the activities that you are doing when looking for a date but just mentally trick yourself to think that you are "not looking", then yeah I guess that could work."

 

Again, this piece of advice is suited for extroverts.

[kilgore]

The problem is, a lot of activities you would do on say a Friday night are motivated by dating/meeting someone.

 

I guess OP should say "If you keep doing all the activities that you are doing when looking for a date but just mentally trick yourself to think that you are "not looking", then yeah I guess that could work."

 

Again, this piece of advice is suited for extroverts.

 

I think it means find fulfillment in other areas of your life. If you do that you will be a more appealing person to yourself and others and might be more likely to meet someone who suits your interests that way

[Ruby Slippers]

Socializing takes an effort as I am naturally introverted with a preference for solitary activities.

Exactly. And we can presume a lot of introverts hang out on this site. Extroverts generally don't like to write a lot about their thoughts and feelings. Typing on a message board is, in general, an introverted, solitary activity.

 

So for most of us to "stop looking" means we're spending more quiet time at home not meeting anybody new. Not a good strategy if you want to find love.

 

My boyfriend and I broke up last week. The breakup wasn't dramatic - we just discovered a major irreconcilable difference we could not work through. I'm not going to be looking for a while, and I'm pretty sure that as long as I'm not looking, I won't even meet any potential dates. It took me a year and a half of pretty regular, focused searching to find him. So close - but no cigar. I'll date again once I start looking for dates.