She sees too many flaws in me

[dutyfree]

Hi, I've posted on this forum once and gotten quite a lot of helpful responses, that's why I'm back again. Hope someone here can once again help me out.

 

I've been with my girlfriend for 4 months now. Everything was good at the start. Apart from her occasionally mentioning her ex-boyfriend, which I tried to help her move on and not think of him as much, I was okay in the relationship.

 

Recently, she has been telling me the flaws that I have.

I am too emotional when it comes to feeling upset about her mentioning her ex, when she told me that she moved on from him.

I am too sensitive when she flares up at me for some things that I do that irritates her. She said that's what she does to her family members and friends and not just me, so I shouldn't be too affected by it.

I am too immature because I get jealous of her going on an overseas trip for half a year with another guy, sharing the same room together. She said I shouldn't feel jealous because she doesn't have any feelings for him and he's already attached.

 

Over the past month I've been consciously trying to change these things about me. The problem is that she doesn't want me to change all these because of her, and I should only be trying to change because it's for my own good. Sometimes I feel that if I've been doing well for the past 22 years with all these characteristics, it shouldn't be that much of a problem for me. Also, I don't understand why she needs to change all these about me, when I'm perfectly comfortable with who she is.

 

Can someone give me some advice on this?

Thanks so much.

[Toddbt12y1]

Unhealthy, unhealthy, unhealthy.

 

She is forcing you to bend over backwards for her (hell, everything is about -her-), no? You are changing yourself for her. You voice yourself, she belittles your emotions. What is the point in carrying on with a relationship in which your partner demands all of these changes, and offers nothing else? Sounds miserable to me!

 

Again, miserable...Why would she go off for half a year (?) With some guy, and stay in the same room together. I'd wager they are bumpin' beds. She talks about her ex a lot. Again, why be with her? She is putting you down into a deep hole of self-doubt and worthlessness.

 

You want advice: Break up with her, for you. Do something for yourself; and certainly something you need to definitely do for yourself - this is toxic.

 

Ask yourself:

 

•Do I feel comfortable with her going off with guys? I think you do not. Hence you brought it up.

 

•Do I really want to change all that I am, for a person who does not change who she is (demandy, controlling, etc)? I believe not.

 

And I would be concerned myself, and would have a hard time believing that any one would not, with their partner going overseas for such a great deal of time, with some guy...in the same room.

 

Do for yourself. Find better. Hurt, grow. Accept. You'll be better off.

[dutyfree]

Unhealthy, unhealthy, unhealthy.

 

She is forcing you to bend over backwards for her (hell, everything is about -her-), no? You are changing yourself for her. You voice yourself, she belittles your emotions. What is the point in carrying on with a relationship in which your partner demands all of these changes, and offers nothing else? Sounds miserable to me!

 

Again, miserable...Why would she go off for half a year (?) With some guy, and stay in the same room together. I'd wager they are bumpin' beds. She talks about her ex a lot. Again, why be with her? She is putting you down into a deep hole of self-doubt and worthlessness.

 

You want advice: Break up with her, for you. Do something for yourself; and certainly something you need to definitely do for yourself - this is toxic.

 

Ask yourself:

 

•Do I feel comfortable with her going off with guys? I think you do not. Hence you brought it up.

 

•Do I really want to change all that I am, for a person who does not change who she is (demandy, controlling, etc)? I believe not.

 

And I would be concerned myself, and would have a hard time believing that any one would not, with their partner going overseas for such a great deal of time, with some guy...in the same room.

 

Do for yourself. Find better. Hurt, grow. Accept. You'll be better off.

 

Thanks for your prompt response.

 

Maybe I didn't make myself clear, she needs to go overseas for half a year for a job attachment. While I do trust that she will not commit anything that will threaten our relationship, I occasionally get worried. No matter how much she reassures me, I can't help it.

 

One reason I don't want to leave this relationship is that I know how upset both of us will become when this is over. We recognize this is toxic, but we refuse to let it go; so much dilemma.

[Grumpybutfun]

Anyone who spends this much time and energy trying to change you doesn't like the real you. She wants an idea of what you should be. This isn't healthy and she isn't nice or compatible. She sounds manipulative and controlling...this is the type of girl you do not want for a gf. This is drama and red flags and all kinds of messed up. You might think toxic is exciting but it will ultimately hurt you....so don't play games with your integrity or your heart anymore.

Move on, you can do better,

Grumpy

[PrettyEmily77]

Let's assume she is right and you are immature, insecure and jealous

 

These three flaws combined would make me run a mile yet she's still here. Either she enjoys controlling you or she's the one triggering those feelings in you. If my BF expressed concerns at my going abroad for 6 months and sharing a room with another guy (not that it would ever happen), I'd try and find a way to reassure him, not make him feel bad for it.

 

If you've never been any of those things but you find yourself becoming increasingly walked over, something is amiss in the R. If you are naturally insecure however, you might want to take an honest look at why you are feeling that way and surround yourself with ppl who will mwant to make you feel better, not worse, IMO.

[Omei]

Personally I feel that all your concerns are very real and legit to have, really anyone would feel the same way if a partner talks about an ex too much yes its frustrating and wanting to know why she must share another hotel room with another man is also a legit concern.

 

I do not feel that you're bring unreasonable she is indeed dismissing your feelings so she doesnt have to change anything herself.

[ExpatInItaly]

Anyone who spends this much time and energy trying to change you doesn't like the real you. She wants an idea of what you should be. This isn't healthy and she isn't nice or compatible. She sounds manipulative and controlling...this is the type of girl you do not want for a gf. This is drama and red flags and all kinds of messed up. You might think toxic is exciting but it will ultimately hurt you....so don't play games with your integrity or your heart anymore.

Move on, you can do better,

Grumpy

 

I wholeheartedly agree.

 

OP, you shouldn't need to change so much to suit your partner. She sounds too controlling and very unsympathetic; I think your concerns are quite valid. She just doesn't like being called out on her behvaiour, which I feel you have every right to do here. Quit trying to change - you're not the one with a problem, based on what you posted.

 

You've only dated for 4 months. This should be the most exciting period. And you should never go into a relationship with someone who still needs help moving on from an ex. Never.

[giblesp]

Hi, I've posted on this forum once and gotten quite a lot of helpful responses, that's why I'm back again. Hope someone here can once again help me out.

 

I've been with my girlfriend for 4 months now. Everything was good at the start. Apart from her occasionally mentioning her ex-boyfriend, which I tried to help her move on and not think of him as much, I was okay in the relationship.

 

Recently, she has been telling me the flaws that I have.

I am too emotional when it comes to feeling upset about her mentioning her ex, when she told me that she moved on from him.

I am too sensitive when she flares up at me for some things that I do that irritates her. She said that's what she does to her family members and friends and not just me, so I shouldn't be too affected by it.

I am too immature because I get jealous of her going on an overseas trip for half a year with another guy, sharing the same room together. She said I shouldn't feel jealous because she doesn't have any feelings for him and he's already attached.

 

Over the past month I've been consciously trying to change these things about me. The problem is that she doesn't want me to change all these because of her, and I should only be trying to change because it's for my own good. Sometimes I feel that if I've been doing well for the past 22 years with all these characteristics, it shouldn't be that much of a problem for me. Also, I don't understand why she needs to change all these about me, when I'm perfectly comfortable with who she is.

 

Can someone give me some advice on this?

Thanks so much.

 

 

She sounds horrible. Have you ever considered getting a nicer girlfriend?

[dutyfree]

Thanks everyone for your response, I'm very grateful for your replies.

 

I wholeheartedly agree.

 

OP, you shouldn't need to change so much to suit your partner. She sounds too controlling and very unsympathetic; I think your concerns are quite valid. She just doesn't like being called out on her behvaiour, which I feel you have every right to do here. Quit trying to change - you're not the one with a problem, based on what you posted.

 

You've only dated for 4 months. This should be the most exciting period. And you should never go into a relationship with someone who still needs help moving on from an ex. Never.

 

I was really confused over whether or not she is over with her ex. During the period we were dating she was really happy, but would occasionally show signs that she still feels sad about breaking up with her ex.

 

She's my first girlfriend. She talked about him when we were together, especially during times when we did something memorable. For e.g., when we had our first intimate hug, she said her ex used to always want to hug her. After we had our first kiss, she said her ex used to always kiss her when she didn't want to (it was my first kiss, not hers cos she gave hers to her ex). Things like that made me very upset at times.

 

I was getting too upset so I decided to tell her about it in the form of a letter, saying I understand you might not be able to completely forget him, but I will try to make more memorable times for both of us to remember. She read the letter and became pretty furious that I assumed that she wasn't over him. I want to trust that she's over him, but it gets really confusing sometimes when she doesn't act like it.

 

She said she just mentions him because she likes to talk about anything that comes to her head, and those times reminded her of him. Nowadays she constantly makes an effort to not talk about him, but I could tell that sometimes she occasionally slip her tongue.

[giblesp]

[quote

 

You've only dated for 4 months. This should be the most exciting period. And you should never go into a relationship with someone who still needs help moving on from an ex. Never.

 

This is very true.

[dutyfree]

She sounds horrible. Have you ever considered getting a nicer girlfriend?

 

I do and I guess at some point in time everyone might feel that way too. I've never been in a relationship so I don't really know how true this is. But I have seen friends who fall in and out of love because they feel that they can really find someone better, only to realise that they were wrong.

 

I don't want her to feel upset about breaking up. She also said she tried to change a lot of things in her ex that made him pretty stressed out. After they broke up she felt like she could never settle with anyone and she will be alone forever. I know how much this r/s means to her and she will definitely be very sad/angry if we broke up.

 

I'm just really confused.

[giblesp]

I do and I guess at some point in time everyone might feel that way too. I've never been in a relationship so I don't really know how true this is. But I have seen friends who fall in and out of love because they feel that they can really find someone better, only to realise that they were wrong.

 

I don't want her to feel upset about breaking up. She also said she tried to change a lot of things in her ex that made him pretty stressed out. After they broke up she felt like she could never settle with anyone and she will be alone forever. I know how much this r/s means to her and she will definitely be very sad/angry if we broke up.

 

I'm just really confused.

 

Again, that's a lot of focus on her ex. It really should be smooth sailing 4 months into a relationship, with no thought about the past. I understand this is your first relationship, and like me a longtime ago your probably waiting for love to shine through and save the day.

 

That will happen,but you have to learn to drop the situations that aren't working out, as quickly and painlessly as possible. That'll give you more power and attraction in your personal life.

 

Its good that your empathetic to her feelings, but you can't be there for someone else unless you look after yourself first. By cutting her free, your actually going to help her get over her ex and reflect upon her critical,negative tendencies.

[giblesp]

Thanks everyone for your response, I'm very grateful for your replies.

 

 

 

I was really confused over whether or not she is over with her ex. During the period we were dating she was really happy, but would occasionally show signs that she still feels sad about breaking up with her ex.

 

She's my first girlfriend. She talked about him when we were together, especially during times when we did something memorable. For e.g., when we had our first intimate hug, she said her ex used to always want to hug her. After we had our first kiss, she said her ex used to always kiss her when she didn't want to (it was my first kiss, not hers cos she gave hers to her ex). Things like that made me very upset at times.

 

I was getting too upset so I decided to tell her about it in the form of a letter, saying I understand you might not be able to completely forget him, but I will try to make more memorable times for both of us to remember. She read the letter and became pretty furious that I assumed that she wasn't over him. I want to trust that she's over him, but it gets really confusing sometimes when she doesn't act like it.

 

She said she just mentions him because she likes to talk about anything that comes to her head, and those times reminded her of him. Nowadays she constantly makes an effort to not talk about him, but I could tell that sometimes she occasionally slip her tongue.

 

 

She's kissing you and telling you about her ex?! And its your first kiss? Then she gets angry your upset? That's abuse dude. Come on man, get the hell out of there.

[yxalitis]

Wait..she's super critical, and she's your gf...?

 

Sounds normal to me...

[guest569]

For e.g., when we had our first intimate hug, she said her ex used to always want to hug her. After we had our first kiss, she said her ex used to always kiss her when she didn't want to (it was my first kiss, not hers cos she gave hers to her ex). Things like that made me very upset at times.

 

Oh wow, that is awful!! You are right to be upset, she has totally ruined those moments be bringing up her ex. Any sane person would be upset or at the very least, awkward..Definitely not over him.

 

And you are in strife for getting upset when she gets mad? She is the one that has flaws, not you.

[dutyfree]

Again, that's a lot of focus on her ex. It really should be smooth sailing 4 months into a relationship, with no thought about the past. I understand this is your first relationship, and like me a longtime ago your probably waiting for love to shine through and save the day.

 

That will happen,but you have to learn to drop the situations that aren't working out, as quickly and painlessly as possible. That'll give you more power and attraction in your personal life.

 

Its good that your empathetic to her feelings, but you can't be there for someone else unless you look after yourself first. By cutting her free, your actually going to help her get over her ex and reflect upon her critical,negative tendencies.

 

Thanks for the advice. She doesn't mention her ex for the past 2 months, at least not as often as before. I get a little stressed and hesitant about asking her if she has moved on due to the fact that she might get irritated by that.

[Siquijor]

Hi, I've posted on this forum once and gotten quite a lot of helpful responses, that's why I'm back again. Hope someone here can once again help me out.

 

I've been with my girlfriend for 4 months now. Everything was good at the start. Apart from her occasionally mentioning her ex-boyfriend, which I tried to help her move on and not think of him as much, I was okay in the relationship.

 

Recently, she has been telling me the flaws that I have.

I am too emotional when it comes to feeling upset about her mentioning her ex, when she told me that she moved on from him.

I am too sensitive when she flares up at me for some things that I do that irritates her. She said that's what she does to her family members and friends and not just me, so I shouldn't be too affected by it.

I am too immature because I get jealous of her going on an overseas trip for half a year with another guy, sharing the same room together. She said I shouldn't feel jealous because she doesn't have any feelings for him and he's already attached.

 

 

 

1. If she's moved on from her ex why does she keep mentioning him?

 

 

2. She's the immature one for not understanding your feelings which are perfectly rational.

 

 

3. She has far more flaws than you do.

[joseb]

 

One reason I don't want to leave this relationship is that I know how upset both of us will become when this is over. We recognize this is toxic, but we refuse to let it go; so much dilemma.

 

Staying together because you are afraid of a little hurt during the breakup is absolutely no reason to stay together. Especially as you admitted relationship is toxic.

[Pull n Pray]

Have you had other serious relationships in the past? Did these same issues come up with them too? If no, then she's the problem and you should move on. If yes, then you should try to change... for your own good.

[Maggie4]

You are just mismatched. It is nobody's fault. Whenever something doesn't work out, some people will say very negative things. They learn that behavior from the parents. You certainly don't want to do to her, what she does to you. You are just different that's all, and both inexperienced. Normal.

Btw, did she initiate breakup with her ex, or did he leave her? Just wondering...

And if you're into astrology, what she described as "faults", just pretty much decribes the Cancer guy So if what she says is true, don't worry, there are plenty of girls who fall for guys like you and love you the way you are.

[mrldii]

...I am too sensitive when she flares up at me for some things that I do that irritates her. She said that's what she does to her family members and friends and not just me, so I shouldn't be too affected by it...

 

Aside from all the other stuff, this part jumped out at me.

 

So, one of your flaws is that you get too upset over her transgressions (her frequent and untimely mentions of her ex), but one of her flaws is that she flares up at you when you do something she doesn't like?!?

 

Soooo, you're supposed to sit there and take it and not say a word when she does something, but she's *allowed* to get all pissy when you do something...AND you should just sit and take her "flare ups"?!?

 

And - let me get this straight - you should want to keep your mouth shut and be her punching bag...for your own good and to "be a better person"?!?

 

 

Yeah...reads *like* a manipulative, self-serving, controlling person from where I'm sitting...

 

 

Best of luck to you, OP...oh, and by "best of luck to you", I mean "run like hell as fast and far away as you can".

[katiegrl]

OP, I am going to be blunt here.

 

You need to grow some balls dude!

 

Clearly, she has zero respect for you ..... and who could blame her really, you allow her to treat you like her personal emotional punching bag....worse even. No woman would ever respect a man who allows himself to be used (and abused) like this!

 

Yes SHE is horrible, and also emotionally abusive .... no doubt about that whatsoever .....but again YOU are allowing it, and until you start respecting yourself, grow some balls and a backbone .....nothing is gonna change, and will most likely get worse!

 

This relationship is beyond toxic.

 

I have to ask you, where is your dad? Is he in the picture at all? Has he met her, does he know how she treats you?

 

If he IS in the picture, maybe you could talk to him about it? He will be appalled but maybe he could knock some sense into you, and give you the strength to leave this insanity...

 

This is your first relationship ....NO this is NOT how a good healthy mutually loving and caring RL works.

 

This is dysfunction at its absolute worst!!

 

I am sorry this was harsh, but felt it needed saying and there was no way to be nice about it and have it sink in.

 

Wish you the best and good luck going forward.

Edited August 30, 2015 by katiegrl

[Woggle]

Why are you with this woman because I can't see positives to being with her.

[WomenWubber]

Recently, she has been telling me the flaws that I have.

I am too emotional when it comes to feeling upset about her mentioning her ex, when she told me that she moved on from him.

I am too sensitive when she flares up at me for some things that I do that irritates her. She said that's what she does to her family members and friends and not just me, so I shouldn't be too affected by it.

I am too immature because I get jealous of her going on an overseas trip for half a year with another guy, sharing the same room together. She said I shouldn't feel jealous because she doesn't have any feelings for him and he's already attached.

 

It is good that she is honest with you and has voiced her concerns. Now you have something to work with. But there's this other thing...

 

Over the past month I've been consciously trying to change these things about me. The problem is that she doesn't want me to change all these because of her, and I should only be trying to change because it's for my own good. Sometimes I feel that if I've been doing well for the past 22 years with all these characteristics, it shouldn't be that much of a problem for me.

 

The bold part is very true, another point to her for giving you good advice. Now the questions you should be asking yourself at this point are:

 

"I've been trying to change these things about myself, but it's because she wants me to. I've done well so far with these characteristics, why is it a problem now?"

 

"Will it be good for me to change those things in the long run? Am I really not comfortable with who I am?"

 

If the answer to the last question is "No, I'm comfortable with who I am", then...

 

Also, I don't understand why she needs to change all these about me, when I'm perfectly comfortable with who she is.

 

... I wonder if the part in bold is really true.

 

The point I'm trying to make is, chances are that you two are irreconcilably incompatible. What I think your gf is doing is giving you hints for you to take some action. Her purposes may not be blatantly clear, but you also said she has mentioned an ex in more than one occasion...

Edited August 30, 2015 by WomenWubber

[katiegrl]

JMO, but if he gets *jealous* because she is off with her ex ....sleeping in same bed, and godonlyknows what else, then NO he does not need to change *that* reaction .... because he has every right to be jealous in that circumstance ....

 

and for her to demand he change his reaction to that is HER being manipulative and controlling, and the only thing he needs to *change* is his response to her when she attempts to manipulate and control him like that!

 

Telling her he will try to change is essentially telling her it is OK for her to talk about her ex, take trips with her ex and even sleep in same bed with her ex.

 

Which it is not, and no man who respects himself would ever tolerate that shyt, let alone agree to *change* his reaction to that...essentially allowing her to continue that unacceptable behavior.

 

That was just one example of her being manipulative and controlling, he needs to grow a pair, tell her to knock that shyt off .... or he's outta there!

 

Better yet, just get the hell out!

Edited August 30, 2015 by katiegrl