SoftViolin Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 So it's the weekend and I am going to pose a discussion question, which is somewhat based on the recent events in my life - but also seems to be a recurring theme. A while ago I was feeling lonely and an ex reached out just at the right time and we started dating again. I broke up with him first time around because we were just so different that it bothered me to the extent that it overshadowed everything else. At that time he contended that he did not want to break up, none of this was bothering him, but he would respect my decision. Fast forward to our recent foray into reconciliation and all these differences came rushing back, as did my discontent, and it seemed worse than before. For a while I swept it under the rug, but mostly I was telling myself that I was stupid to get back into this and trying to figure out how to tell this man that while I said that I might be able to get over what bothered me before, turns out - I cannot. It seemed kinder to me (read: cowardly) to sit and wait if maybe he will break up with me. Timeline we are talking about here is 2 months tops, and while even that is a lot, I did not and would not have strung him along for much longer. So I sat, and I waited, and kept bringing up that I am unsure, because of x, y and z, but I was not telling him straight out and he was getting more serious, not less. Finally when one of those differences came up, I overreacted big time, blew it entirely out of proportion and broke up with him over that. Over something minute, and the whole thing made me look insane. While this particular post may not be a very good reflection of this, I am in general (and can show references ) a very level headed stable person. But I didn't even care, because I finally could walk away. This is not the first time this happened to me though - not the crazy break up, but holding off telling a romantic partner, or a suitor, the truth, trying to be nice (or cowardly, which it seems in this case might be the same) and spare their feelings. I do eventually always have a conversation, but when it happens something always metaphorically blows up, because I hesitated too long. All in all, I am working on it, or trying to. But any of you have similar experiences? Please share Link to post Share on other sites
steve10498 Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 I like your honesty and self-awareness. Its hard sometimes to even realize we are doing just what you described for the reasons you described. I laughed (sorry) when you described the big blow up over a minute issue. Been there done that and have also been on the receiving end. I think that's what resentment is all about. The more we hold in, the more resentful we get toward that person. That resentful, for me at least, builds internally. I think it will just go away or fade out, but nope! it just leaks out sideways (in the form of irritability) or blow up as you described. I'm working on the same and have made progress - the evidence in that is the pain and discomfort I feel when I attempt to be direct. It feels like I'm destroying the person, when in reality: I'm doing a very loving and honest thing to both the other person and myself. The best part is that the above mentioned pain and discomfort never lasts as long as i think its going to last. and it never feels as awful as i think its going to feel. A MUCH better trade-off then the crap i make myself deal with for holding it all in. Lastly i'll say that i also came to realize that i was foolishly convincing myself that I wanted to "spare her feelings" as you mentioned...as if I was being nice or loving. In reality, it was quite selfish of me and the only purpose was really to spare MY feelings of discomfort. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SoftViolin Posted August 30, 2015 Author Share Posted August 30, 2015 You are exactly right - it's selfish to be "nice" this way, as really all I am doing is avoiding being the bad guy. But I have to be the "bad guy", because I am breaking up with the person who is into me. No matter what I say or how I say it, they will be hurt. But, man, I wish the bravery to be the bad guy came easier. You are right too - when you are honest, the feeling of discomfort doesn't last for too long. And the feeling of relief is an indication that it is the right thing to do, even if a little late. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SoftViolin Posted August 30, 2015 Author Share Posted August 30, 2015 Also, no worries on laughing. I laughed myself after the first thirty minutes, during which I seriously considered if I was indeed insane to blow that tiny issue into an enormous argument Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts