ruby77 Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 So, i never really go on dates because I'm too nervous / anxious about the actual process. A friend of a friend wants to go for a drink, I don't know him but he looks cute but i keep putting him off. What do we talk about? What if its awkward? Any tips?? Help!! Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 Well, the only way to get over being nervous about it is to do it. Think of it as exposure therapy. I think it's natural to be nervous before a date, or even while you're on one. The mindset I tried to adopt while dating was one of curiosity. Don't think of it as, "oh what if he doesn't like me," or "what if he isn't attracted to me," or "what if I sound really dumb." Think of it instead as a chance to get to know someone. My strategy was always to just ask the guy lots of questions, and to try and find commonalities, or ways to connect. Asking them questions took the pressure off me to be "fun and interesting," and if they said anything that resonated with me, then that spurred a whole new conversation and common ground. Also, if it gets awkward for a little bit, let it be awkward. No one ever died from awkwardness. It's important to remember that you're not the only one responsible for carrying the conversation, so if there is a silent patch, go ahead and let it be that way for a bit. You'll find something to talk about eventually. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ruby77 Posted August 29, 2015 Author Share Posted August 29, 2015 Thank you for replying and for the tips. I'm not a very chatty person generally, it doesn't come naturally to me. Just the thought of going on a date makes me cringe!! I'm going to end up a lonely old woman ha! Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 Thank you for replying and for the tips. I'm not a very chatty person generally, it doesn't come naturally to me. Just the thought of going on a date makes me cringe!! I'm going to end up a lonely old woman ha! If you're not a chatty one, that's why it's important to be the question asker, that way you don't have to talk! And no don't worry, you're not gonna end up alone. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 First take some time & think about your date. Picture it in your mind & picture it going well. It will be a little awkward but that's OK. Everybody gets nervous. Don't beat yourself up about a natural reaction. Since you have a mutual friend talk about that person . . . as in ask him how he met & came to know your mutual friend. I'm not advocating gossiping about the mutual friend. Ask some general get to know you Qs: where did the other person grow up? How did they come to employed in their field? Where was the last place they went on vacation? Be prepared to answer any Qs you ask. Keep the date short, under 2 hours. Don't drink too much. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 If you can make the date an activity one. Not where the main event is you two staring at each other across the table. That will release some of the stress, add some good endorphins and give you something to talk about and bond. What do you like to do and what is known in your city as an activity? I will help you figure out something to do. Exposure as losangelena said is all it takes. If you want to even ease into that, take a walk into a crowded (datelike) area one night. You will see the place filled with people on dates. Observe them and see that it's not so scary and all those people can do it. You can do it. Another way is to go out in a group, which would work for this guy since he is a friend of a friend. Some people find those kind of dates MORE stressful though and some find them LESS stressful. Which do you think you are? You can also ease into it as friends or I don't usually recommend this but in your case I think it would be ok. Start texting and having phone calls with him first and see how it goes. If you develop a connection, you will be excited to see him more so than nervous. Just a note, a lot of people aren't compatible. Dating is a numbers game. So I feel like it's important to put this out there that the date can have some awkwardness and/or be really great and STILL a relationship might not develop out of it. As long as you know some things still don't work out even if you handle date perfectly, you can tackle this without it affecting your ability to keep dating. It'd be nice if the first one worked out but that's not always/usually the case. Dial down the importance of being nervous on a date. Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 Great advice from other posters! One other tip: When he asks you a question, don't just answer yes/no or with a brief response. Throw in an explanation with your answer. Then ask him something. Maintain eye contact whenever you're speaking and smile whenever your eyes meet. Flirt a little, if you can. Also, I don't worry about whether a guy will like me. I simply focus on enjoying the date, getting to know him, and having fun. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Frank2thepoint Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 My strategy was always to just ask the guy lots of questions, and to try and find commonalities, or ways to connect. Asking them questions took the pressure off me to be "fun and interesting," and if they said anything that resonated with me, then that spurred a whole new conversation and common ground. Very, very, very few women do this. I'm not just talking about dating. But this is good advice, and a sure way to hold a conversation. If you also become interested in the man, asking questions, bridging experiences, and building a connection, is a way to show your interest in the man too. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 When I first started dating, one thing that really helped me relax on a first date was actually telling my date, in a sort of playful way that "wow, I'm feeling nervous"! They usually felt flattered, and told me they were nervous too, then we would laugh about it, but it really helped to break the ice! I am sure not everyone would agree, maybe they think it's showing too much vulnerability, but it really helped me ...and the guy too in many cases, cause I found that he felt anxious and nervous too! Anyway, like I said we would laugh about it, it broke the ice, and even allowed us to bond in a strange sort of way... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 Very, very, very few women do this. I'm not just talking about dating. But this is good advice, and a sure way to hold a conversation. If you also become interested in the man, asking questions, bridging experiences, and building a connection, is a way to show your interest in the man too. I also found that doing this had the added benefit of letting the guy have a really good time. Maybe it's my own perception, but I feel like men don't feel listened to or heard very often, so when someone does come along and is curious about them, it's special; I had more than one guy come back and tell me it was the best first date they'd ever had. And nothing happened really, other than I just listened to them. Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 When I first started dating, one thing that really helped me relax on a first date was actually telling my date, in a sort of playful way that "wow, I'm feeling nervous"! They usually felt flattered, and told me they were nervous too, then we would laugh about it, but it really helped to break the ice! I am sure not everyone would agree, maybe they think it's showing too much vulnerability, but it really helped me ...and the guy too in many cases, cause I found that he felt anxious and nervous too! Anyway, like I said we would laugh about it, it broke the ice, and even allowed us to bond in a strange sort of way... I would do this, too! It was kind of a way to break the ice and laugh about how silly the whole dating thing was, and then we were both less nervous after. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Frank2thepoint Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 I also found that doing this had the added benefit of letting the guy have a really good time. Maybe it's my own perception, but I feel like men don't feel listened to or heard very often, so when someone does come along and is curious about them, it's special; I had more than one guy come back and tell me it was the best first date they'd ever had. And nothing happened really, other than I just listened to them. Indeed it is special to be listened to. I can personally attest it is a rare instance that a woman asks questions, and shows she really wants to get to know the man. And it is truly unfortunate that you have this perception and understanding. Wish more women could also see this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ruby77 Posted September 22, 2015 Author Share Posted September 22, 2015 Ok so I have arranged said date for this evening. I am meeting him for a drink. I'm so anxious I haven't slept and I'm thinking about cancelling - help! Link to post Share on other sites
Yummm Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 Chill! You'll be fine! The word 'date' isn't great, it sounds like some interview. Think of it as a nice evening out, where you'll be meeting someone new and having some fun. If it doesn't go well, you killed a nice few hours this evening, if it does then you'll see him again! WIN WIN Goodluck! Go to the 'date' feeling positive, if you don't it will show! xo:love: 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ruby77 Posted September 22, 2015 Author Share Posted September 22, 2015 I'm cancelling, I can't do it! I didn't realise I was actually this bad, this is going to be a huge problem. Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 Ruby. It's really not that scary, if he turns out to be the right guy you'll find the conversation coming to you naturally. If he's not you just muddle your way through it the best you can. And get an interesting story for your friends about how bad it went. When you do find the right person it's amazing, but you can't get there without taking a shot occasionally. =/ 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xcupid Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 Ok so I have arranged said date for this evening. I am meeting him for a drink. I'm so anxious I haven't slept and I'm thinking about cancelling - help! You're putting too much energy into thinking about. Put your energy into thinking of topics to talk about so you're more comfortable with the process. It's not a date. It's meeting someone for a drink. That's all it is at the moment. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 I'm cancelling, I can't do it! I didn't realise I was actually this bad, this is going to be a huge problem. It's just a drink, not a root canal. Relax. Link to post Share on other sites
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