She acts differently in public vs. when we are alone

[OK_computer]

I've been dating this girl for the last 2 months, but we've been friends for over 2 years. Recently we starting going out alone, instead of with our group of friends. I've went out with her alone three times so far, we haven't kissed, but we've held hands. I know it all sounds corny but after my recent OAOA of 5 years, I want to take things really slow.

 

When we're alone there's a lot of push and pull, like if I bring up another girl just for fun she'll get angry. She'll ask why I have other girls phone numbers in my cell (even people from our school).

 

But the problem comes when we are in a group of people or with other students, especially guys. When she sees other guys she knows, she acts differently towards me. She'll pretend that we're not close, though she almost cried on the phone the other night telling me that she's really close to me. Like today, some guy we were talking to asked if things were serious between us and she just down played ti totally. Idk if it's embarassment or shyness etc. But I asked her about it before when she did that she's like, 'i don't want to show my inner emotions.' Or I don't want others knowing how we are when we are alone. Which I feel is fine, but then she goes on to insult me in front of them, etc.

 

When we are alone, it's great. And when I bring up others guys she's just like, do you think I actually care about them? stuff like that. But then she does that to me in public. I just don't know how to handle the huge differences between public and when we are alone?

 

Am I just over thinking stuff? Or should I have my guard up? Or should I just leave this 'relationship'? I work with her very closely too btw and she notices when she's affecting me. She'll ask me what she did wrong, and when i tell her she says sorry, but will do it anyway again in public. Idk what to do.

[ExpatInItaly]

I've been dating this girl for the last 2 months, but we've been friends for over 2 years. Recently we starting going out alone, instead of with our group of friends. I've went out with her alone three times so far, we haven't kissed, but we've held hands. I know it all sounds corny but after my recent OAOA of 5 years, I want to take things really slow.

 

When we're alone there's a lot of push and pull, like if I bring up another girl just for fun she'll get angry. She'll ask why I have other girls phone numbers in my cell (even people from our school).

 

But the problem comes when we are in a group of people or with other students, especially guys. When she sees other guys she knows, she acts differently towards me. She'll pretend that we're not close, though she almost cried on the phone the other night telling me that she's really close to me. Like today, some guy we were talking to asked if things were serious between us and she just down played ti totally. Idk if it's embarassment or shyness etc. But I asked her about it before when she did that she's like, 'i don't want to show my inner emotions.' Or I don't want others knowing how we are when we are alone. Which I feel is fine, but then she goes on to insult me in front of them, etc.

 

When we are alone, it's great. And when I bring up others guys she's just like, do you think I actually care about them? stuff like that. But then she does that to me in public. I just don't know how to handle the huge differences between public and when we are alone?

 

Am I just over thinking stuff? Or should I have my guard up? Or should I just leave this 'relationship'? I work with her very closely too btw and she notices when she's affecting me. She'll ask me what she did wrong, and when i tell her she says sorry, but will do it anyway again in public. Idk what to do.

 

First of all, knock that off. It's not funny, and we don't like it. Of course that upsets her. That's not a good way to go about bringing her closer to you, and will probably have the opposite effect. Your own actions could be playing a role in this.

 

Second, what do you mean when you say she insults you in front of other guys? I would be very cautious with a girl who does that.

 

Third, if you've brought up the fact that her reluctance to acknowledge your connection bothers you and nothing has really changed, there's not a lot you can do. She is who she is.

 

Finally, have you gone out on an official date? Two months without even a kiss tells me you might be in the Friend Zone.

[OK_computer]

First of all, knock that off. It's not funny, and we don't like it. Of course that upsets her. That's not a good way to go about bringing her closer to you, and will probably have the opposite effect. Your own actions could be playing a role in this.

 

Second, what do you mean when you say she insults you in front of other guys? I would be very cautious with a girl who does that.

 

Third, if you've brought up the fact that her reluctance to acknowledge your connection bothers you and nothing has really changed, there's not a lot you can do. She is who she is.

 

Finally, have you gone out on an official date? Two months without even a kiss tells me you might be in the Friend Zone.

 

You're brought up so many good points, that I don't know how to answer them without going really into detail. Yes they were official, in fact she she asked me out on the 1st and 2nd and laughed herself that she was asking a guy you instead of the other way around. As for not kissing, she's very orthodox and religious, virgin, and has never kissed anyone, period, I know for a fact (atleast that much). I've recovered from my recent BU after a long time, and I myself also don't want to rush in to romance etc.

 

Here's an example of what I thought is an insult:

 

Today we saw a mutual friend who happens to be a guy while we were sharing chocolate, and he asked who bought it and I said that I did.

 

I guess he tried to flirt with her or something and he said to her that 'you'll only enjoy chocolates when he (referring to me) buys them'

 

She replies "Why would he ever do that for me? I want you to buy chocolates for me" and walked off with him for a bit, before coming back to me. I got soo pissed off.

 

Another time a guy called me her 'good luck charm' and she replied..."what are you talking about?" I mean I'm not expecting her to be all lovey dovey, but there's a polite way to reply to things liek that without degrading me, or that's how i felt.

Edited August 29, 2015 by OK_computer

[joseb]

You have been friends for two years. Given lack of anything physical, how are you more than that now?

[OK_computer]

You have been friends for two years. Given lack of anything physical, how are you more than that now?

 

More expectations from both sides minus anything physical. She and I never cared about each others personal lives etc. , it was really professional. Then we started getting closer, where now she calls me one of the closest people she has, never used the word friend, maybe it is implied. But if I was just a random friend, then why does she check my phone to see which girls I text (which I don't, and if I do it's strictly to the point with reason). She doesn't like it when any girl in the uni say's hi to me. Normal friends, they don't do that, and it didn't used to matter 2 years ago, or a year ago, or even until 2 months ago.

 

She tells me she misses me too much if I dont come to school that day, but then she acts so differently in a group. I just cant grasp why, and when I ask her she says, "I don't show you how I feel about you inside." Fine I get that, but then why the insults and demeaning when anything remotely is said that we are together? (by other guys)

 

She tells her girlfriends about me, and they like me enough that they say hi even though they dont' know anything about me. And she told me they call us both bf/gf though they are playing around. My friends notice she blushes when she hears my name, etc.

[joseb]

The fact that she has a problem with you even talking with other girls is a bad sign.

 

Are you happy being in this relationship? It sounds like you have all the negatives of a clingy girlfriend with few of the positives.

[ExpatInItaly]

The fact that she has a problem with you even talking with other girls is a bad sign.

 

Are you happy being in this relationship? It sounds like you have all the negatives of a clingy girlfriend with few of the positives.

 

This. I don't understand the point of this relationship, to be honest. You're basically still only friends.

[OK_computer]

The fact that she has a problem with you even talking with other girls is a bad sign.

 

Are you happy being in this relationship? It sounds like you have all the negatives of a clingy girlfriend with few of the positives.

 

Why is it a bad sign?

[ExpatInItaly]

Why is it a bad sign?

 

Do you really need to ask?

 

If you cannot even say hi to another girl without her getting upset and her going through your phone, you're in for a world of jealousy- and insecurity-driven drama. She isn't even your girlfriend.

 

It also means she is a hypocrite, as apparently it's ok for her to request chocolate from another man but you can't greet a girl without a problem. That's arse-backwards.

 

I don't think this is going to go in the direction you want. She sounds like too much trouble.

[phineas]

The fact that she has a problem with you even talking with other girls is a bad sign.

 

Are you happy being in this relationship? It sounds like you have all the negatives of a clingy girlfriend with few of the positives.

 

I call this a gf without benefits. I had a few of these in my early days of dating and right after my divorce.

 

Then I manned up and kissed them.

You find out real fast if they are really into you or just using you for attention.

 

 

OP because you haven't made a real move on her or made your intentions known she's probably annoyed with you and or thinks you don't like her so of course she isn't going to act like she likes you in a group.

 

Man up son. Going slow still means both people need to make their intentions known.

Be the man and let her know what you want.

[Methodical]

She wants her cake and wants to eat it too... well maybe not eat it but have it on her plate with a fork in hand.

 

In your shoes, I'd think she was embarrassed to admit she has feelings for me. Sounds too much like "we have to act/maintain platonic relations around anyone we know but behind closed doors it's okay bc nobody will be none the wiser." I wouldn't want to be with someone who is ashamed to show they have feelings for me among friends bc I deserve better. How about you?

[fitnessfan365]

Sorry to tell you this OP. But you never stopped being friends w-her.

 

I mean just because you finally started hanging out solo, doesn't mean that you're finally "dating". Does she want more? Her jealousy indicates that she probably does. But your insistence on "taking it slow" is getting you nowhere. You've known her for two years already, so how much more slow can you take it? If you want to truly be w-her, you need to man up and kiss her already to make it clear what you want.

[OK_computer]

I've had all the thoughts you guys shared run through my head as well, but I just really needed some outside perspective. I felt a couple of red flags but I just didn't want to believe it. This is my first new 'RS' after a really bad breakup of with my ex of 5 years. I feel a lot healthier now (after more than a year of NC etc.) so I was trying to venture in to the brave new world lol. Maybe she isn't the one after all, but idk how to get out of this without hurting anyone, we both have to work closely together 9-4pm, and now she'll catch on if I try to cut it off. I guess I can ween out slowly..and keep it casual..before it gets worse.

 

She wants her cake and wants to eat it too... well maybe not eat it but have it on her plate with a fork in hand.

 

In your shoes, I'd think she was embarrassed to admit she has feelings for me. Sounds too much like "we have to act/maintain platonic relations around anyone we know but behind closed doors it's okay bc nobody will be none the wiser." I wouldn't want to be with someone who is ashamed to show they have feelings for me among friends bc I deserve better. How about you?

I know that, I've thought all the things you said. I just needed to hear if I'm on the right track. If those thoughts were just.

 

Do you really need to ask?

If you cannot even say hi to another girl without her getting upset and her going through your phone, you're in for a world of jealousy- and insecurity-driven drama. She isn't even your girlfriend.

 

It also means she is a hypocrite, as apparently it's ok for her to request chocolate from another man but you can't greet a girl without a problem. That's arse-backwards.

 

I don't think this is going to go in the direction you want. She sounds like too much trouble.

 

Yes I need to ask because I want to understand what exactly is going on. This is a forum isn't it? I do agree with your last statement though.

[OK_computer]

Sorry to tell you this OP. But you never stopped being friends w-her.

 

I mean just because you finally started hanging out solo, doesn't mean that you're finally "dating". Does she want more? Her jealousy indicates that she probably does. But your insistence on "taking it slow" is getting you nowhere. You've known her for two years already, so how much more slow can you take it? If you want to truly be w-her, you need to man up and kiss her already to make it clear what you want.

 

Yea but I never had any feelings for her during that time. She was just some acquaintance with whom i would talk with, just some random girl. It wasn't until literally 2 weeks ago that I started actually liking her and viewing her differently.

 

Yeah you're right we're still friends, and in that case what will happen if I kiss her? And i'm completely off track, and then I have to continue working with her with all that awkwardness.

[Methodical]

I've had all the thoughts you guys shared run through my head as well, but I just really needed some outside perspective. I felt a couple of red flags but I just didn't want to believe it. This is my first new 'RS' after a really bad breakup of with my ex of 5 years. I feel a lot healthier now (after more than a year of NC etc.) so I was trying to venture in to the brave new world lol. Maybe she isn't the one after all, but idk how to get out of this without hurting anyone, we both have to work closely together 9-4pm, and now she'll catch on if I try to cut it off. I guess I can ween out slowly..and keep it casual..before it gets worse.[/Quote]

 

No, she's not the girl for you. On one hand, she's a green-eyed jealous monster who thinks you shouldn't have any female friends. On the other hand, she wants to keep you a "secret," and that's bullsh*t. How are things ever gonna progress if you can't be seen in public as a couple. Closet lovers?? Hell no. You deserve someone who is proud of you and wants to be seen as your significant other.

 

Don't backslide. Hold your head high. She is the one making the situation awkward by sending mixed signals with all the secrecy. You are getting hurt by her actions whether or not you realize it. Don't settle. If she questions or takes issue with you moving on, don't cower down, tell her straight up that you want a partner to enjoy life with and hiding behind closed doors isn't your idea of living.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yea but I never had any feelings for her during that time. She was just some acquaintance with whom i would talk with, just some random girl. It wasn't until literally 2 weeks ago that I started actually liking her and viewing her differently.

 

Yeah you're right we're still friends, and in that case what will happen if I kiss her? And i'm completely off track, and then I have to continue working with her with all that awkwardness.

 

You said she's never kissed anyone before.

 

I'd be extremely careful going there without knowing if she wants that. I don't get the sense that she does.

[OK_computer]

No, she's not the girl for you. On one hand, she's a green-eyed jealous monster who thinks you shouldn't have any female friends. On the other hand, she wants to keep you a "secret," and that's bullsh*t. How are things ever gonna progress if you can't be seen in public as a couple. Closet lovers?? Hell no. You deserve someone who is proud of you and wants to be seen as your significant other.

 

Don't backslide. Hold your head high. She is the one making the situation awkward by sending mixed signals with all the secrecy. You are getting hurt by her actions whether or not you realize it. Don't settle. If she questions or takes issue with you moving on, don't cower down, tell her straight up that you want a partner to enjoy life with and hiding behind closed doors isn't your idea of living.

 

She doesn't mind being seen with me as a friend, infact she's told me many times she 'doesn't care what people think of us or what title they give us.' And we work together and meet up everyday in public places, just the two of us. BUT, when other men that she knows (whom she respects/admires/whatever) are around, she doesn't not want them to think of her as if she's with me. I don't know if that goes for just me or any guy she admires.

 

Does that mean she wants them to think she's available? I don't want to judge and come to conclusions, especially when she explains to me something different. But it screws my mind up soo bad! Maybe I'm doing something wrong guys.

 

You said she's never kissed anyone before.

 

I'd be extremely careful going there without knowing if she wants that. I don't get the sense that she does.

 

Yeah I understand, and that's exactly why I can't really 'man up.' You seem to be a very real person Expat, What do you think about my reply just above?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sorry to bother everyone, but this is really ruining my weekend.

[ExpatInItaly]

She doesn't mind being seen with me as a friend, infact she's told me many times she 'doesn't care what people think of us or what title they give us.' And we work together and meet up everyday in public places, just the two of us. BUT, when other men that she knows (whom she respects/admires/whatever) are around, she doesn't not want them to think of her as if she's with me. I don't know if that goes for just me or any guy she admires.

 

Does that mean she wants them to think she's available? I don't want to judge and come to conclusions, especially when she explains to me something different. But it screws my mind up soo bad! Maybe I'm doing something wrong guys.

 

 

 

Yeah I understand, and that's exactly why I can't really 'man up.' You seem to be a very real person Expat, What do you think about my reply just above?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sorry to bother everyone, but this is really ruining my weekend.

 

I would simply have a non-confrontational, open conversation with her. Ask if she would like to remain just friends for now. Let her know that's ok, (because you can't force it anyway) but that you would appreciate a very honest answer.

 

Her actions indicate she's not ready to be more than friends. It does seem that she wants to appear available. If she is so closed off that she doesn't want anyone to "know her emotions" or assume you two are a couple, then a relationship simply isn't possible. You can continue to be friendly/polite at work, but don't try to meet her privately anymore. There wouldn't be any point.

[OK_computer]

I would simply have a non-confrontational, open conversation with her. Ask if she would like to remain just friends for now. Let her know that's ok, (because you can't force it anyway) but that you would appreciate a very honest answer.

 

Her actions indicate she's not ready to be more than friends. It does seem that she wants to appear available. If she is so closed off that she doesn't want anyone to "know her emotions" or assume you two are a couple, then a relationship simply isn't possible. You can continue to be friendly/polite at work, but don't try to meet her privately anymore. There wouldn't be any point.

 

As you said, which is completely BS because if she wants to be available, then why can't I talk to other girls? I think I will have a talk with her, casually about this and clear everything up. If she doesn't want anything to do with me like that, I will keep everything work related and cordial. I will also start talking to other people, whoever they may be, men/women. She can't control who I talk to, especially if she wants to keep everything secret. I feel like such an idiot. She has such a sweet way to convince me that what she's doing is right, always.

 

There is no point to meet up with her anymore, or go places anymore. I don't know why we used to in the first place. I feel shattered again.