EX-GF got pregnant and had an abortion without telling me...

[Tuga88]

So my ex ended things with me about 4 weeks ago....I accepted her decision and then went NC (there were a few texts exchanged during this period) but tbh expected her to message me but she never did.

 

Long story short I messaged her today to get some things she had of mine. She told me she had been in the hospital. When I went over to her house she told me she found out she was pregnant a little while after we split and decided to have an abortion. She then had complications after the abortion and lost a lot of blood and that's how she ended up in the hospital. She told me she's got a check up in 2 weeks to see if she will need surgery.

 

I didn't really know how to react to this information.....she said it had been the worst few weeks of her life and she'd cried every day. Personally, I felt hurt that she didn't contact me, not so much because of the decision with the baby but more because I wasn't able to be there for her and she felt like she didn't want to share this with me.

 

I kept the meet up under an hour, tried to make her laugh etc. and left on a high point during the convo. How do I proceed from here? I still care for her but I'm not sure how she feels....I didn't really get any sexual intimacy vibes from her on this last meeting however, the abortion etc. probably has her hormones and head all over the place. She also said she had a house party last night (over 50 people came apparently) and she smoked a lot of weed. She showed me a few clips and there was one of her twerking and then smoking. I feel like she's messed up cause of what happened and now is going to act wild and reckless. I sent her a text after saying that I was sad she didn't tell me but admired her for her strength in going through all of this.

 

Should I now back off and give her space or try to engage her in convo, meeting up etc.?

[Poppyolive]

Back off for sure. She has stated its over, so you need to go no contact and beging go move on. I don't know your back story, ages, how long you were together, why you both split. But I do know a relationship cannot work when one has pulled out and you certainly can't make/manipulate anyone stay in a relationship with you.

 

To be honest, the fact she didn't call on you when she was pregnant & aborting, (to me), means she's solid in her decision. I say this because, she obviously had to do a lot of thinking / deciding when she discovered she was pregnant.

 

Take care of yourself

[Two Pump Chump]

How do I proceed from here?

 

I wish I could tell you it will be easy but it would be a lie. It is going to suck for a while.

 

What you should do is... Accept her decision to ends things, heal and get it over it and when that is done go find a new one.

 

I still care for her but I'm not sure how she feels....

 

She dumped you. It can't be any clearer. Don't be "that" guy who thinks its a test to prove your love for her. It's not and know for 100% certainty by the next few bits of information you share.

 

She also said she had a house party last night (over 50 people came apparently) and she smoked a lot of weed. She showed me a few clips and there was one of her twerking and then smoking.

 

Does that strike you as someone who is looking for a deep, meaningful committed relationship? Nope.

 

Hate to break it too you pal, your Ex is currently in a phase of her life where she isn't looking for what you are. She wants to go sow her wild oats. Trust me on this, go No Contact. You do not want know or have any part of that with the feelings and how much you care for her.

[Qboro90]

It's done with, don't contact her from here. If she reaches out to you for emotional support or something because of the abortion then it's ip to you if you want to be there for her but based of the fact that she made such a definitive decision on her own and paid for her without asking you I highly doubt she will need this from you.

 

Are you 100% sure it was yours by the way? Seems odd to me that she would tell you she was in the hospital and needs to go back for surgery but then had a big house party, smoked week, drank and was partying all night. Something doesn't add up here.

[Oregon_Dude]

That's really, really tough. I'm sorry this happened. I hope she's doing ok. Did you do anything in particular that was cruel/awful to cause her to break up with you? If not, just know that she decided to deal with this on her own and there's nothing you did wrong.

 

Whatever you do, don't beat yourself up right now. Just because she didn't contact you for support doesn't make you a bad person.

[Tuga88]

Does that strike you as someone who is looking for a deep, meaningful committed relationship? Nope.

 

Hate to break it too you pal, your Ex is currently in a phase of her life where she isn't looking for what you are. She wants to go sow her wild oats. Trust me on this, go No Contact. You do not want know or have any part of that with the feelings and how much you care for her.

 

Thanks for the reply and yeah I think you're right unfortunately. That being said I knew she is a bit messed up in the head with this so she could just be lashing out and going wild because of it.

 

Are you 100% sure it was yours by the way? Seems odd to me that she would tell you she was in the hospital and needs to go back for surgery but then had a big house party, smoked week, drank and was partying all night. Something doesn't add up here.

 

Well the surgery isn't a given, she will see in 2 weeks if it's needed. And she did tell me that she wasn't suppose to be smoking weed (said she didn't drink) but she said she needed to take her mind off things. Like I said above I think she's just reacting like this due to what happened. Her parents have always put a lot of pressure on her from a young age to never get pregnant by accident and portrayed it as being wrong and "slutty" and I think that's what's screwing her up the most, she told me she feels really ashamed about what happened. What's worse is I think because of this, now whenever she thinks of us she will remember this and just associate us to this feeling of being so ashamed.

 

That's really, really tough. I'm sorry this happened. I hope she's doing ok. Did you do anything in particular that was cruel/awful to cause her to break up with you? If not, just know that she decided to deal with this on her own and there's nothing you did wrong.

 

Whatever you do, don't beat yourself up right now. Just because she didn't contact you for support doesn't make you a bad person.

 

Well the last time we were together before the NC (she had already ended things at this point but then came to my house) she later told me she felt like I was really rude to her and made her feel terrible (I said a few things I probably shouldn't have).

 

 

Do you all think I should contact her in 2 weeks just to see how her check up went and if she needs surgery?

[MidwestUSA]

 

Do you all think I should contact her in 2 weeks just to see how her check up went and if she needs surgery?

 

Um, I won't answer that, but something here isn't computing. I can't think of a surgery she could need after an abortion that wouldn't have already been done at the time. Unless she went to a horrid place and they really messed her up.

 

Are you sure you have the entire story?

[elaine567]

Um, I won't answer that, but something here isn't computing. I can't think of a surgery she could need after an abortion that wouldn't have already been done at the time. Unless she went to a horrid place and they really messed her up.

 

Are you sure you have the entire story?

 

I do not know what type of abortion she had and why she ended up bleeding excessively, but abortion is not without risk and complications like damage to the cervix or uterus may need further surgery for instance.

Of course the scan may have picked up some other problem unrelated to the pregnancy like an ovarian cyst, that will need dealt with by surgery.

[Tuga88]

Um, I won't answer that, but something here isn't computing. I can't think of a surgery she could need after an abortion that wouldn't have already been done at the time. Unless she went to a horrid place and they really messed her up.

 

Are you sure you have the entire story?

 

I do not know what type of abortion she had and why she ended up bleeding excessively, but abortion is not without risk and complications like damage to the cervix or uterus may need further surgery for instance.

Of course the scan may have picked up some other problem unrelated to the pregnancy like an ovarian cyst, that will need dealt with by surgery.

 

Yeah she said she didn't want to talk about it too much because she'd just start crying but she told that she did the abortion and then a few days later she started getting crazy pain (the worst she's ever felt) and started to bleed insane amounts, passed out and then woke up in hospital. She then told me the problem was with her uterus and I didn't enquire any further into it.

[MidwestUSA]

I do not know what type of abortion she had and why she ended up bleeding excessively, but abortion is not without risk and complications like damage to the cervix or uterus may need further surgery for instance.

Of course the scan may have picked up some other problem unrelated to the pregnancy like an ovarian cyst, that will need dealt with by surgery.

 

Hmm, I hadn't thought of an unrelated problem.

 

The cervix and uterus and tough, tough cookies, as in muscular tough. And if it was a straight suction abortion, you'd have to be really reckless to mess it up. I'm hoping no one uses coat hangers anymore. A serious rupture would have had to be repaired during her hospitalization.

 

I was thinking in terms of it being a huge breadcrumb, but only OP can judge whether she might be the type to throw one out there.

[MidwestUSA]

Yeah she said she didn't want to talk about it too much because she'd just start crying but she told that she did the abortion and then a few days later she started getting crazy pain (the worst she's ever felt) and started to bleed insane amounts, passed out and then woke up in hospital. She then told me the problem was with her uterus and I didn't enquire any further into it.

 

Well, I do hope she's fine, and that, should she want children down the line, nothing in that area has been compromised.

[elaine567]

Hmm, I hadn't thought of an unrelated problem.

 

The cervix and uterus and tough, tough cookies, as in muscular tough. And if it was a straight suction abortion, you'd have to be really reckless to mess it up. I'm hoping no one uses coat hangers anymore. A serious rupture would have had to be repaired during her hospitalization.

 

I was thinking in terms of it being a huge breadcrumb, but only OP can judge whether she might be the type to throw one out there.

 

Retained products of conception post abortion, can cause pain, infection and bleeding and may need to be removed later surgically too.

[MidwestUSA]

Retained products of conception post abortion, can cause pain, infection and bleeding and may need to be removed later surgically too.

 

I know, I've done many. She'd be infected by now. I'm just thinking out loud and not really helping OP.

 

OP, my first thought as well, was 'are you sure it was yours?'. Could she have ended things with you because there was someone else? Has she exhibited these 'reckless' behaviors before? Was there perhaps a side of her that you didn't see?

 

In any case, since she was the one to end things, and didn't let you know about the pregnancy, I wouldn't follow up with her. The more I thought about it, if I dumped a guy, but found out I was carrying his baby, I'd contact him.

 

I wish you the best in healing.

[Tuga88]

OP, my first thought as well, was 'are you sure it was yours?'. Could she have ended things with you because there was someone else? Has she exhibited these 'reckless' behaviors before? Was there perhaps a side of her that you didn't see?

 

In any case, since she was the one to end things, and didn't let you know about the pregnancy, I wouldn't follow up with her. The more I thought about it, if I dumped a guy, but found out I was carrying his baby, I'd contact him.

 

I wish you the best in healing.

 

I mean she told me it was mine but everything does seem slightly weird the more I think about it but I could just be overthinking. In regards to the reckless behaviour she is a pretty level headed girl so no, she doesn't normally behave that way.

 

Yeah exactly....that's what's hurting me the most. We were so close and she would literally rely on me for everything and then she goes through this and doesn't say anything to me?! I mean if I didn't contact her I probably would have never found out. It blows my mind she would do that.

[Hopeful30]

Okay, first of all you are NOT responsible for how she behaves after the break up. If she handles things poorly, that's on her, not on you. Don't feel sorry for her. She's a grown woman and can handle things herself.

 

As for the abortion...and I may get bad feedback for this...I would have done the same thing. Things weren't working out with you two anyways, did you really need more pregnancy drama on top of it? You wouldn't have gotten back together to have this baby anyways, and why have a baby with someone that you can't have a relationship with?

 

I would have done the same dude. Why stress the guy out if I'm not gonna keep the baby anyways? Less emotional stress and "what if" thinking on his side. If you never found out about the pregnancy things would have still been the way they are now, so why stir up the dust when it will settle in the exact same place anyways?

[Tuga88]

Okay, first of all you are NOT responsible for how she behaves after the break up. If she handles things poorly, that's on her, not on you. Don't feel sorry for her. She's a grown woman and can handle things herself.

 

As for the abortion...and I may get bad feedback for this...I would have done the same thing. Things weren't working out with you two anyways, did you really need more pregnancy drama on top of it? You wouldn't have gotten back together to have this baby anyways, and why have a baby with someone that you can't have a relationship with?

 

I would have done the same dude. Why stress the guy out if I'm not gonna keep the baby anyways? Less emotional stress and "what if" thinking on his side. If you never found out about the pregnancy things would have still been the way they are now, so why stir up the dust when it will settle in the exact same place anyways?

 

Thanks for the reply. This makes sense actually....especially after the fact that I told her on our last meeting that she was right, we could never work and she could never be my girlfriend. She was hurt by that so it makes sense not to contact me.

 

I actually found out that it was her mum that got into her head and basically scared her off a relationship so I'm not too sure how to proceed atm.