Gaeta Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 I made contact with this man online a couple of weeks ago. Last weekend he invited me to brunch on Sunday for our first meeting. He was very nice, polite, reserved, he paid. At the end of brunch he said : 'you're a very.....(silence)......intelligent woman' if you want to go to brunch again or dinner let me know. Intelligent? lol....Let me know? I replied: Yes I would like that Later in the evening I text him a short note thanking him for coming all the way to me and to offer me brunch and that he was great company and I enjoyed myself. Can it be any clearer that I WANT to see him again? So the whole week went by. He text me once a day usually in the evening. He's a gentleman, ask me about my day, we exchange a bit and say good night. Oh and yesterday at the end of his text he called me love. Ok he's not totally under anesthesia. We're Friday night and I don't have an invite from him to do something over the weekend, which is the only time we can have a date as I work days and he works evenings. * Shy? * Not that into me? * Beta male? Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 No, don't become the chaser. You were clear. He knows what to do. He is transmitting his level of effort thus far. Take it for what it is. Make him do the work. It will benefit you if he does do the effort and you both move forward. If you make the effort that he is supposed to be doing, you will get more attached and he will be less attached because you are doing the work. If he disappears because he hasn't stepped up, you won't lose anything. There is no need to rush. Send the message that you are not desperate in any way by letting him follow through on the brunch he promised. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted August 29, 2015 Author Share Posted August 29, 2015 Send the message that you are not desperate in any way by letting him follow through on the brunch he promised. We've been to brunch already. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted August 29, 2015 Author Share Posted August 29, 2015 The guy asked you out on the first date and requested that if you were really interested in him, to let him know. I don't think it would be you chasing him if you were to ask this guy out. In fact, I think that might be what he is waiting for. Some guys get tired of hitting on women that are lukewarm towards them, and maybe he is trying to find someone truly interested by having them demonstrate this to him. A lot of the women I have dated ended up asking me out. I also don't waste my time on women who are only somewhat interested. I think he hesitated when he complimented you because he wanted to compliment you, but wasn't sure which compliment he wanted to go with. Ok that's where I am getting. When he said to let him know if I want to do this again and I answered right away YES I would like that, wasn't I putting the ball back in his court? Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 Later in the evening I text him a short note thanking him for coming all the way to me and to offer me brunch and that he was great company and I enjoyed myself. Can it be any clearer that I WANT to see him again? Yes. It could have been clearer. If I'm interested in seeing a guy again, my text would have said so. I would end with, "Hopefully we can do this again sometime," or "I would love to see you again,"...something beyond "thanks for a great date." I'll indicate that I want a repeat. How enthusiastic depends on whether he's beaten me to the first text (most guys will) and how excited and enthusiastic he was in that text. Most women (I hope) thank a guy after a date, especially if he paid for it. To me, that's just common courtesy. I do try not to give mixed signals. So my thank you text if I'm not interested will typically end with something like, "good luck with your search. I hope you meet the right person soon." Or if he's asked me out on a second date via text, "I'm flattered and while we had a fun time, we aren't a match. Best of luck in your search." Your dealing with a total stranger. If you want things to flow smoothly, keep communications crystal clear. That's my philosophy, anyway. So the whole week went by. He text me once a day usually in the evening. He's a gentleman, ask me about my day, we exchange a bit and say good night. Oh and yesterday at the end of his text he called me love. Ok he's not totally under anesthesia. We're Friday night and I don't have an invite from him to do something over the weekend, which is the only time we can have a date as I work days and he works evenings. * Shy? * Not that into me? * Beta male? My vote: None of the above. I suspect he has no idea whether you're interested. He texted you daily. Did you initiate a single text? How did you convey your interest exactly after the date? I don't ask guys out on dates, but I am pretty clear in signaling when I'm interested and open to the idea of a date. You have to give him something to work with. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 We've been to brunch already. Yeah, i understood that and he asked if you wanted to do it again. You don't want a beta guy who was perfectly capable of asking you the first time and you've now expressed your interest, both at end of first date and in text afterward. Increase your value in his mind by not chasing him. If you are looking for someone to say it's ok to contact him, someone will say that but I'm pretty sure that won't have a good outcome for you. What's the rush, Gaeta? Let it build. Let him step up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted August 29, 2015 Author Share Posted August 29, 2015 I suspect he has no idea whether you're interested. He texted you daily. Did you initiate a single text? How did you convey your interest exactly after the date? I don't ask guys out on dates, but I am pretty clear in signaling when I'm interested and open to the idea of a date. You have to give him something to work with. * I told him in person I would like to do that again * I've beat him to the first text after brunch to thank him * I initiate 80% of our text. If I don't text him he'll initiate the following day saying : Sorry I meant to text you yesterday but etc etc. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 The ball IS in his court. You were clear and even if you weren't (YOU WERE!!) all you have to do is remind yourself of all the guys that do call you and ones that are on here who initiate dates. Change your patterns. And by that i mean how available you appear to these guys. Link to post Share on other sites
menyou Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 Honestly, if you like the guys company and want to continue just keep it moving. I am so into the guy I am dating right now and he is so lackadaisical that if I don't make a move the freakin earth would stop on rotation. But I enjoy my time with him and he enjoys it likewise. Live in the now. Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 * I told him in person I would like to do that again * I've beat him to the first text after brunch to thank him * I initiate 80% of our text. If I don't text him he'll initiate the following day saying : Sorry I meant to text you yesterday but etc etc. Yeah that is already communicating high interest and perhaps too much availability. Just curious, why do you initiate 80% of your texts? I strongly think that between the first dates or so, he should be doing that and if he isn't no worries, probably better if there are not too many texts. The only thing that really needed to happen after your first date is that he needed to SCHEDULE THE NEXT ONE. The rest is fluff and if you are doing 80% of it and he hasn't made a plan yet than you've already communicated that you are too accessible. Sorry. You can fix it by pulling back and letting him chase you if he hasn't already come to a final conclusion about pursuing. I feel sure in saying don't ask him out. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 (edited) He sounds a bit passive or not so interested. I can't imagine a guy not being interested in you so I would say the former. My other thought is that maybe he is already attached or recently out of a long-term relationship. The reason I wonder that is his restricted, very conservative manner. Good manners are great, no problem with that at all, but going very slow and not being encouraging towards you suggests either a very slow-paced guy or he has some other issue that is keeping his attention. Having just read that you initiate 80% of the texts Gaeta, I would say most guys would back off if that was the case - not because they didn't like you or weren't attracted to you, but simply because they don't value what is put in front of them. Also, he can sit back on his laurels and know you will contact him. He probably thinks he can leave everything else up to you too. If you want a guy to chase you, let him and keep the texts 50/50 at most and let him initiate. Edited August 29, 2015 by spiderowl 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted August 29, 2015 Author Share Posted August 29, 2015 Just curious, why do you initiate 80% of your texts? He's a really quiet man and I could feel he was insecure during our first meeting. My fault, he got there in jeans and tshirt and I was in dress and high heels, I was too put together for a breakfast. I saw it in his face when we met outside. Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 * I told him in person I would like to do that again * I've beat him to the first text after brunch to thank him * I initiate 80% of our text. If I don't text him he'll initiate the following day saying : Sorry I meant to text you yesterday but etc etc. Thanks for clarifying. That provides a different perspective. He's lukewarm at best and just treading water. Stop and let things fade away. I wouldn't put in any more effort. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted August 29, 2015 Author Share Posted August 29, 2015 Just in case he's interested but he's passive. If I stop initiating he won't suddenly grow balls right? Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 He's a really quiet man and I could feel he was insecure during our first meeting. My fault, he got there in jeans and tshirt and I was in dress and high heels, I was too put together for a breakfast. I saw it in his face when we met outside. He may have felt a bit threatened then Gaeta, thinking you were so smart and on the ball that he couldn't match up. This might explain his reticence. If you really like him, then I would give him chance to contact you and then respond in a friendly, warm manner. Give him chance to adjust to the fact that there's this exciting woman who likes him! Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 Yeah, if you knocked him out looks and dress-wise, he may have been a bit unmanned. Doubtful he'll grow balls if he's that guy. I'd make it happen if I were you if you really want it to. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 Do I become the chaser or not? If things don't flow, just say no. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MrMeh Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 Yeah, if you knocked him out looks and dress-wise, he may have been a bit unmanned. Doubtful he'll grow balls if he's that guy. I'd make it happen if I were you if you really want it to. Totally with Jen. Going on the 'fact' you gave us that he is shy and possibly insecure, you would have to be the initiator. If you think he's worth it then what harm is it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted August 29, 2015 Author Share Posted August 29, 2015 Totally with Jen. Going on the 'fact' you gave us that he is shy and possibly insecure, you would have to be the initiator. If you think he's worth it then what harm is it. Ya but, how do I know he's worth it, we had one brunch. Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 Sorry, thus guy is just not that interested. If you weren't contacting him, this would probably have fizzled out within a day or two. I've had guys who became so intimidated when I introduced myself in person that they could barely speak. They still managed to call and text immediately after the date and tried to nail down a second date promptly. I think you're making excuses to continue. That's fine. Continue since you want to. I just think you're wasting your time. This is how one burns out and gets frustrated with dating. Personally, I think a better approach is to focus on guys who are genuinely interested and enthusiastic. Ignore guys who are ambivalent or just passing time with you because you're doing all the work to keep them engaged. Once you learn to cut the cord quickly, then dating becomes fun and enjoyable. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted August 29, 2015 Author Share Posted August 29, 2015 Sorry, thus guy is just not that interested. If you weren't contacting him, this would probably have fizzled out within a day or two. I've had guys who became so intimidated when I introduced myself in person that they could barely speak. They still managed to call and text immediately after the date and tried to nail down a second date promptly. I think you're making excuses to continue. That's fine. Continue since you want to. I just think you're wasting your time. This is how one burns out and gets frustrated with dating. Personally, I think a better approach is to focus on guys who are genuinely interested and enthusiastic. Ignore guys who are ambivalent or just passing time with you because you're doing all the work to keep them engaged. Once you learn to cut the cord quickly, then dating becomes fun and enjoyable. That's why I am posting about this. I feel I need to do something after a week of polite text and no Invite in sight. I pursue or I drop. I do meet men that are big pursuer and we have 2-3-4 dates in short times and it always fades. That's why I am open to men with other approach. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 Identify the style you find attractive and which flows for you and go with that. If encountering other, miss. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted August 29, 2015 Author Share Posted August 29, 2015 Identify the style you find attractive and which flows for you and go with that. If encountering other, miss. I definitely prefer being pursued. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 Further, specify. Some women like hot pursuit. Others like constant but measured pursuit. Others like the slow burn. Whatever floats your boat is your style. Sure, you might meet the 'perfect' man but, if things don't flow, there's no go. At this stage of the game, meaning at your age, you are who you are. You know what you want in life. That's your style. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 Sorry, thus guy is just not that interested. If you weren't contacting him, this would probably have fizzled out within a day or two. I've had guys who became so intimidated when I introduced myself in person that they could barely speak. They still managed to call and text immediately after the date and tried to nail down a second date promptly. I think you're making excuses to continue. That's fine. Continue since you want to. I just think you're wasting your time. This is how one burns out and gets frustrated with dating. Personally, I think a better approach is to focus on guys who are genuinely interested and enthusiastic. Ignore guys who are ambivalent or just passing time with you because you're doing all the work to keep them engaged. Once you learn to cut the cord quickly, then dating becomes fun and enjoyable. ^^This....keep by your bedside and read every morning and every night. .... :) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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