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Should I be angry? Online flirting


happysmile

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Hi all. I need some words of encouragement/support/advice/thoughts? Feeling so down right now and my self esteem took a hit.

 

Here goes:

 

I (29) have been dating this guy (32) for almost 6 months. We dated casually for 2 months before that. I always knew he was a flirt online and that wasn't an issue for me because we weren't serious in the beginning. After month #2 we started getting pretty serious and he stopped associating with other women, including the online flirting to focus on me/us. I didn't ask him to do that. He just did it himself because he said something changed in him after he got to know me (I helped him through a rough time) and wanted to be in a relationship.

 

On Tuesday I found out that he started it all again when I saw some random stuff on Instagram. My gut was telling me that something was up, so after some snooping (I know, I'm not proud of it) I found out that he has been following tons of women again and liking their pics. It's all types of pics, like innocent selfies, but mostly NSFW. He would also comment stuff like "you're so beautiful" "amazing body" and "I'm in love."

 

Ouch.

 

I usually wouldn't care because they're those "Instagram famous" type girls. The ones who have thousands and thousands of followers who do the same thing he does. So half of me feels like it's harmless flirting, but for some reason the other half feels like I just got cheated on. It just gave me this terrible feeling at the pit of my stomach and I don't like it AT ALL.

 

How would you feel if you were in my shoes? I feel pretty disappointed and disrespected. I know it's not exactly cheating, but I do feel like my trust has been betrayed. I really want to tell him I know about it and be angry at him about it, but I've just been distant because I can't seem to bring myself to talk to him. Actually I want to break up with him because I'm so hurt. Would you be hurt? Should I be hurt? Am I overreacting?

 

I'm usually not an insecure person, but I have to admit, my self esteem took a big blow. I'll NEVER look like those women. From their makeup to what they wear and the almost nudes they post on Instagram... I'll never be that or want to post stuff like that and it makes me feel like that's what he wants and he just doesn't see that in me :(

 

I should add: We are not in a relationship, but exclusively dating, so you can see the kind of rock-and-a-hard-place situation I'm in. It's not like I can ask him to stop like I were his girlfriend, can I? I don't know.

Edited by happysmile
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Versacehottie

If they are insta-famous girls he doesn't know, you are overreacting and it's harmless. Somehow you should let him know you are aware, in non-confrontational funny way so that it will be an open discussion between you two and he does not hide his behavior from you. I think though if you are upset and feel betrayed you have to get to a point where you don't feel like that before you do it and can understand that's it's harmless.

 

Guys post on the insta-famous girls pics all the time and back and forth each other. It's like guy bonding as much as anything. Those girls don't take them seriously.

 

Now if it is girls he knows at all, that would be a problem and yes you have a right to feel betrayed. Basically, here's where I would draw the line. If they follow him back, thus the ability to direct msg, he should not be saying comments to them. I'm on the fence about the likes--depends on how provocative the photos are.

 

The reason I say to get it out into the open with the harmless insta-famous girls (pretty much similar to them reading a playboy!) is that then I think it will be less likely that he will start taking the same behavior to girls he DOES know or finding non-insta-famous ho's on there and start PM'ing them. See? If you take away the stigma and rebellion associated with something that IS truly harmless, you can prevent future harmful problems. You guys could also bond in funny ways over this. I know a lot of guys think it's the most attractive thing when their hot gf is not threatened by him noticing other hot, but untouchable girls. It's not a diss to you. You can rise above and tease him about it. I'm not saying it correctly but it totally works. Has to be in your personality though (teasing him, not uptight, playful) otherwise it will look like some crazy, odd thing you are saying doing.

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While the behavior he's showing is understandably upsetting you, I also think that it's able to be fixed if you discuss it with him properly. Like the above post said, because the girls whose pics he's liking and commenting on are "instafamous" and girls that he'll never meet or talk to then it's more of a immature guy move that needs to be nipped in the bud.

 

I had a gf bring this up to me about 4 years ago. I was liking posts like that and other pics of girls, some of who I knew it. She told me that if I needed the ego boost of a like and wanted to look and comment on other girls whether they're famous or not then I'm not giving her the respect she deserves and we would have a problem if I continued. I respected her for telling me that and deep down I knew that it was disrespectful to her to like these other girls pics.

 

Also understanding that her friends are on social media and can see what others like in the news feed. So if people she knows are seeing that I'm liking bikini pics and stuff like that , it's embarrassing for my gf and makes me look like a scummy guy. Explain that to the guy your with. If he doesn't understand and fights to keep Doing it then his priorities are out of wack and he doesn't respect u enough

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Should you be hurt? That's not for anyone to answer. Some would be hurt by it, others not. If you feel hurt then you are hurt and that's fine.

 

What is the difference between exclusively dating and being in a relationship? Isn't that sort of the definition of a relationship?

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Versacehottie

 

Also understanding that her friends are on social media and can see what others like in the news feed. So if people she knows are seeing that I'm liking bikini pics and stuff like that , it's embarrassing for my gf and makes me look like a scummy guy. Explain that to the guy your with. If he doesn't understand and fights to keep Doing it then his priorities are out of wack and he doesn't respect u enough

 

Yep to this part. Especially if the comments are crude (even if he doesn't know the girls).

 

And not cool to like/comment on bikini and provocative pics of girls he does know.

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fitnessfan365

I still say that texting and social media are the two biggest problems in dating. Both seem to cause a lot of unnecessary drama. I've personally avoided social media as much as possible.

 

Do I think the OP is overreacting? Yes. I mean these are really well known women w-lots of followers and there is no chance of your BF ever meeting any of them. It's like when someone says how hot an actress or a musician is. It doesn't mean anything and people don't suddenly stop noticing the opposite sex because they're in a relationship.

 

But I will say this. A comment like "I'm in love" would be a bit over the top. That makes it sound like he'd jump ship if he had the chance. So it makes you wonder if he's simply biding his time w-the OP until he finds a woman he's more attracted to.

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Versacehottie
I still say that texting and social media are the two biggest problems in dating. Both seem to cause a lot of unnecessary drama. .

 

Amen>>>>>>>>>

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Uhhhh, I'm with you OP. I think it's very degrading and hurtful. I don't care how famous they are- they are still people. He's commenting because he wants their attention. Of course other people are going to be attractive to him here and there, but there is an absolute lack of decency in what he's doing. Not to mention that Instafamous people are not as unattainable as normal celebrities- one lives in my town actually. Regardless, I don't get the argument that it's just someone famous so they can do or say whatever they want about them.

 

Now, you are in a tough spot so I think you need to approach it diplomatically and tell him you saw it and that it hurt your feelings. Gauge his reaction to your words more than anything. But yes, you have every right to feel hurt over this. There is a huge difference in having a celebrity crush you do nothing about and seeking out attention from them on social media. It's just about respect.

Edited by maysj18
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I always knew he was a flirt online and that wasn't an issue for me because we weren't serious in the beginning.

 

 

Why would you be interested in dating someone like that anyhow?

 

 

If I'm being brutally honest I think you lack self-respect and you created a rod for your own back by not seeing this as a warning sign.

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ExpatInItaly
While the behavior he's showing is understandably upsetting you, I also think that it's able to be fixed if you discuss it with him properly. Like the above post said, because the girls whose pics he's liking and commenting on are "instafamous" and girls that he'll never meet or talk to then it's more of a immature guy move that needs to be nipped in the bud.

 

I had a gf bring this up to me about 4 years ago. I was liking posts like that and other pics of girls, some of who I knew it. She told me that if I needed the ego boost of a like and wanted to look and comment on other girls whether they're famous or not then I'm not giving her the respect she deserves and we would have a problem if I continued. I respected her for telling me that and deep down I knew that it was disrespectful to her to like these other girls pics.

 

Also understanding that her friends are on social media and can see what others like in the news feed. So if people she knows are seeing that I'm liking bikini pics and stuff like that , it's embarrassing for my gf and makes me look like a scummy guy. Explain that to the guy your with. If he doesn't understand and fights to keep Doing it then his priorities are out of wack and he doesn't respect u enough

 

All of this.

 

Also, OP, why are you not in a relationship after 6 months? Do you want him to be your boyfriend?

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If they are insta-famous girls he doesn't know, you are overreacting and it's harmless. Somehow you should let him know you are aware, in non-confrontational funny way so that it will be an open discussion between you two and he does not hide his behavior from you. I think though if you are upset and feel betrayed you have to get to a point where you don't feel like that before you do it and can understand that's it's harmless.

 

Guys post on the insta-famous girls pics all the time and back and forth each other. It's like guy bonding as much as anything. Those girls don't take them seriously.

 

 

The reason I say to get it out into the open with the harmless insta-famous girls (pretty much similar to them reading a playboy!) is that then I think it will be less likely that he will start taking the same behavior to girls he DOES know or finding non-insta-famous ho's on there and start PM'ing them. See? If you take away the stigma and rebellion associated with something that IS truly harmless, you can prevent future harmful problems. You guys could also bond in funny ways over this. I know a lot of guys think it's the most attractive thing when their hot gf is not threatened by him noticing other hot, but untouchable girls. It's not a diss to you. You can rise above and tease him about it. I'm not saying it correctly but it totally works. Has to be in your personality though (teasing him, not uptight, playful) otherwise it will look like some crazy, odd thing you are saying doing.

 

Thanks and I get where you're coming from, but I can't approach this in a "cool girl," funny way because I feel that he is being disrespectful and I am hurt.

 

I should have clarified earlier: By Instagram famous, I don't necessarily mean Instagram celebrities, but there are some. I also mean women who have like 2K, 1K, or even <500 followers, but do get a ton of likes and comments because of their provocative pics.

 

Now if it is girls he knows at all, that would be a problem and yes you have a right to feel betrayed. Basically, here's where I would draw the line. If they follow him back, thus the ability to direct msg, he should not be saying comments to them. I'm on the fence about the likes--depends on how provocative the photos are.

 

I don't know if he knows any of them personally. I doubt it, but who knows. I don't know if I want to know.

 

Yes, some follow him back, maybe about a third of them.

 

Other than makeup selfies and cleavage shots, most of the pics are very provocative. In underwear, almost naked in bathtubs, widespread thighs in bed and the like.

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While the behavior he's showing is understandably upsetting you, I also think that it's able to be fixed if you discuss it with him properly. Like the above post said, because the girls whose pics he's liking and commenting on are "instafamous" and girls that he'll never meet or talk to then it's more of a immature guy move that needs to be nipped in the bud.

 

I had a gf bring this up to me about 4 years ago. I was liking posts like that and other pics of girls, some of who I knew it. She told me that if I needed the ego boost of a like and wanted to look and comment on other girls whether they're famous or not then I'm not giving her the respect she deserves and we would have a problem if I continued. I respected her for telling me that and deep down I knew that it was disrespectful to her to like these other girls pics.

 

Also understanding that her friends are on social media and can see what others like in the news feed. So if people she knows are seeing that I'm liking bikini pics and stuff like that , it's embarrassing for my gf and makes me look like a scummy guy. Explain that to the guy your with. If he doesn't understand and fights to keep Doing it then his priorities are out of wack and he doesn't respect u enough

 

Thank you, this helped me out a lot. Yes, the friends thing bothers me so much and I am very much embarrassed.

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Should you be hurt? That's not for anyone to answer. Some would be hurt by it, others not. If you feel hurt then you are hurt and that's fine.

 

Thank you.

 

What is the difference between exclusively dating and being in a relationship? Isn't that sort of the definition of a relationship?

 

I guess everyone has their own definition, but for me exclusivity is the step before relationship. One thing he and I have in common (or so I thought?) is we both consider BF/GF relationships very, very serious, so neither of us go straight from casual dating to BF/GF. So the "exclusive" phase is to stop dating others, focus on and REALLY get to know each other and see if we're ready to take it to the relationship level. Hope that makes sense.

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I still say that texting and social media are the two biggest problems in dating. Both seem to cause a lot of unnecessary drama. I've personally avoided social media as much as possible.

 

For real. My friends and I were just saying earlier, maybe it would be better if I found a guy who wasn't on social media.

 

Do I think the OP is overreacting? Yes. I mean these are really well known women w-lots of followers and there is no chance of your BF ever meeting any of them. It's like when someone says how hot an actress or a musician is. It doesn't mean anything and people don't suddenly stop noticing the opposite sex because they're in a relationship.

 

This is my fault, but clarified above. These women aren't necessary really well known or have more than a couple thousand followers. Some are also local and indeed very accessible. Ugh.

 

But I will say this. A comment like "I'm in love" would be a bit over the top. That makes it sound like he'd jump ship if he had the chance. So it makes you wonder if he's simply biding his time w-the OP until he finds a woman he's more attracted to.

 

Yea that stung. I usually wouldn't take that kind of comment seriously, but these are real women, not supermodels or celebrities. I'm not worried that he'd find someone more attractive then leave me, that could happen offline too. I just find the whole thing really insulting, especially with it being so public and all over the place, you know?

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Uhhhh, I'm with you OP. I think it's very degrading and hurtful. I don't care how famous they are- they are still people. He's commenting because he wants their attention. Of course other people are going to be attractive to him here and there, but there is an absolute lack of decency in what he's doing. Not to mention that Instafamous people are not as unattainable as normal celebrities- one lives in my town actually. Regardless, I don't get the argument that it's just someone famous so they can do or say whatever they want about them.

 

Now, you are in a tough spot so I think you need to approach it diplomatically and tell him you saw it and that it hurt your feelings. Gauge his reaction to your words more than anything. But yes, you have every right to feel hurt over this. There is a huge difference in having a celebrity crush you do nothing about and seeking out attention from them on social media. It's just about respect.

 

Exactly this. I was struggling to word exactly how I feel, but yes I do feel that it's "degrading" and the "lack of decency" is what's bothering me the most. It also makes me so uncomfortable that he's doing it to get their attention... one girl, he liked 12 of her pics and commented on 4 of them! Like... how do I even deal with that?

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All of this.

 

Also, OP, why are you not in a relationship after 6 months? Do you want him to be your boyfriend?

 

Explained above, we were taking things slow: One thing he and I have in common (or so I thought?) is we both consider BF/GF relationships very, very serious, so neither of us go straight from casual dating to BF/GF. So the "exclusive" phase is to stop dating others, focus on and REALLY get to know each other and see if we're ready to take it to the relationship level.

 

I thought I wanted him to be my boyfriend and we were on our way there based on the progress we made, conversations we had, his actions, and things he promised.

 

Now? Not so much.

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todreaminblue

if it were me and has been me i have a problem with guys i go out with not just liking other women's posts in particular commenting like sexy bod or i think i am in love or i love your butt......shows me the guy goes a lot on looks so why the hell is with me in the first place..if he is attracted to looks that they have then he obviously should go for someone other than me and more like the person he finds hot......... ..if he wants to flirt and chase other women instafamous or not he can do that single he doesnt need me in his life to do that...if it were to be a comment like you look really beautiful in that shot or you look pretty today that's different if it is a respectful comment/compliment made to a friend of his......but to randoms and instafamous.....well....it would turn me off....insta like...... off...but then i am in love with groot ...tree of few words..from guardians of the galaxy so who am i to judge......

 

 

i think you should talk to him and see of he changes explain how you fee4l and what it makes you feel ....if he is serious...he wouldnt want you to be upset and would monitor his instagram habits...if he truly cares for you ....he would do that for you........deb

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Why would you be interested in dating someone like that anyhow?

 

 

If I'm being brutally honest I think you lack self-respect and you created a rod for your own back by not seeing this as a warning sign.

 

I appreciate your honesty, but this is way off base. Like I said in my post, we were casually dating at first. So none of that mattered to me. Why should it when it wasn't serious and he's single/free to do whatever he wants as I was too? Stalking his online activities that early on was the least of my concerns. (Also by casual I don't mean casual sex. We weren't sleeping together, so I didn't have that to worry about)

 

Now, like I said in my post, when he wanted to be exclusive he had stopped all of this online flirting and he stopped seeing other people. He did this voluntarily and I made sure he wasn't lying. To me, if my knowing he flirted online was a warning sign, the fact that he stopped completely negated that.

 

Furthermore, we talked about the future, how much we mean to one another, what we truly wanted from each other/in a relationship, whether we had marriage in mind and all the other stuff you discuss when you want something serious and long term with someone.

 

I think most people would see all of this as a good sign to give someone a decent chance. You can tell me I'm wrong, but you can't say I did it due to a lack of self respect.

 

This is another thing that really got to me. He stopped, then one day suddenly he started again? In 3 days he's followed a total of 42 (!!!) "insta-ho's" and is liking/commenting left and right. WHAT is that about and what happened that he decided to start again?? It's like he's making up for lost time and it's like he's not even trying to hide it, unless he just thinks I'm dumb and I wouldn't know the better.

Edited by happysmile
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if it were me and has been me i have a problem with guys i go out with not just liking other women's posts in particular commenting like sexy bod or i think i am in love or i love your butt......shows me the guy goes a lot on looks so why the hell is with me in the first place..if he is attracted to looks that they have then he obviously should go for someone other than me and more like the person he finds hot......... ..if he wants to flirt and chase other women instafamous or not he can do that single he doesnt need me in his life to do that...if it were to be a comment like you look really beautiful in that shot or you look pretty today that's different if it is a respectful comment/compliment made to a friend of his......but to randoms and instafamous.....well....it would turn me off....insta like...... off...but then i am in love with groot ...tree of few words..from guardians of the galaxy so who am i to judge......

 

 

i think you should talk to him and see of he changes explain how you fee4l and what it makes you feel ....if he is serious...he wouldnt want you to be upset and would monitor his instagram habits...if he truly cares for you ....he would do that for you........deb

 

Thanks for the perspective. I agree, a respectful compliment is very different and I wouldn't mind that at all. Yes, I do plan on talking to him. I need to calm down first though. Bold is how I feel and what I plan to to tell him.

 

We have talked about his "type" of women before, back when we first started dating. One thing that is making me feel better is that I know (well, based on what he's told me) that while he does admire beautiful women that have layers of makeup on and images of women with their tits hanging out Instagram, he would never take them seriously and that I'm what he considers long-term and wife material. Then again, that doesn't say he would never hook up with them if he had the chance.

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Thats really bad, I would be offended too and I would ditch him.

 

I feel like just sending him screenshots and that would be that.

 

But I'm not thinking clearly right now.

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todreaminblue
Thanks for the perspective. I agree, a respectful compliment is very different and I wouldn't mind that at all. Yes, I do plan on talking to him. I need to calm down first though. Bold is how I feel and what I plan to to tell him.

 

We have talked about his "type" of women before, back when we first started dating. One thing that is making me feel better is that I know (well, based on what he's told me) that while he does admire beautiful women that have layers of makeup on and images of women with their tits hanging out Instagram, he would never take them seriously and that I'm what he considers long-term and wife material. Then again, that doesn't say he would never hook up with them if he had the chance.

 

 

he does admire beautiful women that have layers of makeup on and images of women with their tits hanging out Instagram, he would never take them seriously and that I'm what he considers long-term and wife material.

 

 

 

for a man to say in one breath he does admire women who are that way inclined and then yet doesnt take them seriously...to me shows a defined lack of respect for women......then to tell you that he takes you seriously and are wife material than to him...is actually a neon flashing red flag.....because to me its possibly a case of madonna/whore complex....every woman should be taken seriously..even hookers..ex hookers ...ex porn stars even........we a;; have feelings ....men should be taken seriously too...humans should be taken seriously......and looked at as women....beautiful life givers who need a man to revere and respect all woman not just the woman they marry...no matter the make up or cup size....history anything women are women....even the ones who seem to deserve less respect than the next....is actually a wrong ideal to think that way........deb

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I think he went from a massive flirt, casually dated, caught some feelings, went exclusive and now he is back on the chase. Sorry OP.

 

These girls are local and accessible, not celebrities, so I am guessing his flirting may indeed have a purpose.

 

He is 32, not some sex starved 17 yo, so at best he is very needy for validation and at worst he is actually cheating or seriously thinking about it or is just looking for a way out of this relationship.

 

The fact he has just reverted to type, despite supposedly being "serious", is bad news here.

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Hi all. I need some words of encouragement/support/advice/thoughts? Feeling so down right now and my self esteem took a hit.

 

Here goes:

 

I (29) have been dating this guy (32) for almost 6 months. We dated casually for 2 months before that. I always knew he was a flirt online and that wasn't an issue for me because we weren't serious in the beginning. After month #2 we started getting pretty serious and he stopped associating with other women, including the online flirting to focus on me/us. I didn't ask him to do that. He just did it himself because he said something changed in him after he got to know me (I helped him through a rough time) and wanted to be in a relationship.

 

On Tuesday I found out that he started it all again when I saw some random stuff on Instagram. My gut was telling me that something was up, so after some snooping (I know, I'm not proud of it) I found out that he has been following tons of women again and liking their pics. It's all types of pics, like innocent selfies, but mostly NSFW. He would also comment stuff like "you're so beautiful" "amazing body" and "I'm in love."

 

Ouch.

 

I usually wouldn't care because they're those "Instagram famous" type girls. The ones who have thousands and thousands of followers who do the same thing he does. So half of me feels like it's harmless flirting, but for some reason the other half feels like I just got cheated on. It just gave me this terrible feeling at the pit of my stomach and I don't like it AT ALL.

 

How would you feel if you were in my shoes? I feel pretty disappointed and disrespected. I know it's not exactly cheating, but I do feel like my trust has been betrayed. I really want to tell him I know about it and be angry at him about it, but I've just been distant because I can't seem to bring myself to talk to him. Actually I want to break up with him because I'm so hurt. Would you be hurt? Should I be hurt? Am I overreacting?

 

I'm usually not an insecure person, but I have to admit, my self esteem took a big blow. I'll NEVER look like those women. From their makeup to what they wear and the almost nudes they post on Instagram... I'll never be that or want to post stuff like that and it makes me feel like that's what he wants and he just doesn't see that in me :(

 

I should add: We are not in a relationship, but exclusively dating, so you can see the kind of rock-and-a-hard-place situation I'm in. It's not like I can ask him to stop like I were his girlfriend, can I? I don't know.

Go with that gut feeling. RUNNNN!!!!!

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for a man to say in one breath he does admire women who are that way inclined and then yet doesnt take them seriously...to me shows a defined lack of respect for women......then to tell you that he takes you seriously and are wife material than to him...is actually a neon flashing red flag.....because to me its possibly a case of madonna/whore complex....every woman should be taken seriously..even hookers..ex hookers ...ex porn stars even........we a;; have feelings ....men should be taken seriously too...humans should be taken seriously......and looked at as women....beautiful life givers who need a man to revere and respect all woman not just the woman they marry...no matter the make up or cup size....history anything women are women....even the ones who seem to deserve less respect than the next....is actually a wrong ideal to think that way........deb

 

To clarify, by "taking seriously" he meant as someone he would want a long-term relationship with because it's based purely physical attraction/admiration and that's not what a relationship is about. He wasn't referring to the woman's value, her opinions, place in life, etc.

 

I do love how you put this and I agree with you. I can't say this doesn't apply to him. I don't know at this point.

Edited by happysmile
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