Jump to content

How do you know if you have real interest in someone or you're just bored?


Gaeta

Recommended Posts

Mid-July I met someone in my local park. Not from online, I was at the park with my dog and he approached me. We spoke for about an hour and we exchanged phone numbers.

 

The following day was a Friday. He gave me a call in the morning to invite me out to dinner that same night but I could not really. Very early the next morning I was leaving on a trip and I was nowhere near being ready. I told him I would contact him when I return the following week.

 

During that week I made a list of things in my mind I didn't like about him and decided I was not going to pursue so I've never called him back.

 

Often I tell my daughter I should call him and spend some time with him and maybe I'll be able to see past these things that bothered me. She tells me I am not really interested in him I am just bored and if I contact him I'd be toying with his feelings. I don't know, seems to be a big accusation *toying with his feelings*?

 

So even though I decided to not contact him, pretty much each evening, I look at the clock and wonder if he's at the park....but I don't know if I have an interest or because I'm bored. *sigh*

 

So am I bored? Would I be toying with him if I show up there after....4 weeks since I said I would contact him again?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't think you would be asking yourself this questions if you are significantly interested. Obviously, you are interested on some level but it sounds like the low interest that doesn't actually go anywhere so why waste his and your time?

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Go for it, give him a call. Let him be the one to decided if you're toying with him or not.

 

He may appreciate the opportunity to convince you that your list of misgivings are not correct. ;)

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

The couple of things that bothered me were physical. Nothing major but it just bothers me.

 

Also people keep telling me to meet out of online so this it it, this is a real person in the real world that approached me. He's not online, he's never been online.

Link to post
Share on other sites
The couple of things that bothered me were physical. Nothing major but it just bothers me.

 

Also people keep telling me to meet out of online so this it it, this is a real person in the real world that approached me. He's not online, he's never been online.

 

 

Are you attracted to this gentleman at all? Any chemistry?

Link to post
Share on other sites

What's the problem with just grabbing dinner or drinks with him to see what happens? If you do that and decide he's not really someone you want to continue to see romantically then that's where it ends.... If during that time you have a great time together and enjoy yourself then give it another shot. No need to pre determine whether you like him or not at this point when all you've done is have a one hour convo at the park. If his physical looks are something you know you can't ever get past then there's your answer. If not then go to dinner. It's not a marriage or commitment, if you have nothing else going on then what's the downside?

 

And making a list of all the things you don't like about someone after only talking to them once for an hour? That's a bit much.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

Does it matter, really? Who says there needs to be "interest" right away? He's someone to spend time with and get to know. Maybe after seeing him a few times, you'd grow to be interested. I'm not sure how different this is to being interested in someone, seeing them a few times, and deciding you're un-interested. No one would accuse you of "leading someone on" in that scenario, would they?

 

Why did you immediately make a list of things you didn't like?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

This is difficult to answer. If I am disinterested than I also have a dreadful feeling of boredom and feel like their are pits in my stomach...distasteful feeling. You cannot wait to not talk to them.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I vote to call him. I think there's something to be said for being able to speak with someone you meet at the park for an hour. I think there's also something to be said for a man that's not online.

 

What do you have to lose?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Why did you immediately make a list of things you didn't like?

 

Ok here it is at the risk of sounding like a flake. They're things that were obvious like he's tall and wide but he has a big stomach, I'm ok with a little gut but it's bigger than what I can over look.

 

The other thing he has a 6 yo son he's never seen. I asked where he was and he said 50km across the city. I asked if his mom was preventing him from seeing his son? and he said 'no, nothing like that, but I will meet him for the first time next week'. That just gave me a bad impression - but I don't know the whole story.

 

But over all that's about it. He's very nice, polite and never said anything improper. He was really happy I was open to his approach, he even told me he noticed me since last year and I always sit in the same spot in the park and he's been wanting to approach me for a long time.

Link to post
Share on other sites
The couple of things that bothered me were physical. Nothing major but it just bothers me.

 

Also people keep telling me to meet out of online so this it it, this is a real person in the real world that approached me. He's not online, he's never been online.

 

 

Why were you so judgement so of him in talking to him in an hour. Things went well at the start. You should have at least had a date and learn more about him. Maybe it would be just friends...maybe things change after seeing him a few times.

 

Many people have said in relationships they may have passed on him/her after the first meeting or didn't feel anything but by date 3 they felt something.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I think if you went to the trouble to make an inventory of what bothers you that says that it's important to you and are possible deal breakers.

 

What happens next time you see him at the park? Are you going to have to actively avoid him?

 

How did you feel when you were talking to him? Did you feel comfortable? Did conversation come easy?

 

If you do meet him I don't think you're toying with his feelings but rather just giving him a chance.

Link to post
Share on other sites
He was really happy I was open to his approach, he even told me he noticed me since last year and I always sit in the same spot in the park and he's been wanting to approach me for a long time.

 

Well I can't imagine he feels so good now that you said you'd get in touch and it's been a month. That can drag someone's spirits down.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Versacehottie

Why not do a middle ground? Rather than call him up and give him the impression that you are ready to date him more directly. Why not go again over the next few days to the park, run into him and reassess? If he asks you why you never followed through, we can help you come up with an excuse. I can think of several right now that aren't far from 100% honesty.

 

I do think if you had so many objections that you did a pro/cons list that maybe easing into it by seeing if there are any feelings at all with him when you see him in no pressure environment. I like that he's from real life for you especially since you have done quite a bit of online dating and that he's not coming at you like a freight train and vice versa. If you feel anything after a time or 2-3 of seeing him in the park, you can ask him out or he probably will ask you out depending on what excuse we give him and how much you flirt.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I did not sit there and search for things to not like, these things jumped at me, and I did try to just let it slide.

 

Also, it does happen to me quite often that I am bothered by something initially then by date 2 or 3 I'm completely past it. I don't know why it does that to me. Must be a defense mechanism.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Why not do a middle ground? Rather than call him up and give him the impression that you are ready to date him more directly. Why not go again over the next few days to the park, run into him and reassess? If he asks you why you never followed through, we can help you come up with an excuse. I can think of several right now that aren't far from 100% honesty..

 

You've been reading my mind !

I had to run an errand so I drove by the park to see if his car was there and it was not.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Versacehottie
You've been reading my mind !

I had to run an errand so I drove by the park to see if his car was there and it was not.

 

Ok well. It probably won't take long to run into him and then you can reassess. Sounds easier to find out if he's a definite no in person without committing to a date. And if he's still a maybe, let a little park friendship develop and reassess that will probably be the equivalent of 2-3 dates if you spend time connecting over a few weeks sporadically. I think very good relationships start out like this. Especially if it is hard to look past some physical things. You might fall in love or at least like with the guys heart.

 

And who couldn't use another friends who obviously likes dogs like you do and has noticed you for a year?

 

Make sure you have your excuse ready so you are not caught off guard. if I remember correctly didn't you go out of town for a sick family member? I think saying it was hectic with that and very busy since you've been back is fine enough. He should be smart enough to know he's not a priority in your life and that you didn't rush to make him one is a good change. As well as since you didn't meet him from online, he is not quite sure of your true openess to dating so that allows a natural, non-pressured connection to develop if there's a spark. good luck. so far he sounds nice.

Link to post
Share on other sites
DivorcedDad123

You're bored and you don't owe him anything. He's a stranger.You thought it through and changed your mind based on gut feeling and attraction. Go with that.No harm, no foul.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Call me crazy, but I bet if HE were to start pursuing YOU, you would find him a tad more intriguing/exciting.

 

 

From reaching your posts, I sense you enjoy being pursued...when a man displays clear interest in you by pursuing you...it sort of gets your juices going in a way. It excites you and causes YOU to become more interested in HIM!

 

 

I am the same way! Which is why I don't pursue men (or didn't when I was single). Pursuing THEM does "nothing" for me - emotionally or physically.

 

 

Intellectually I have nothing wrong with the concept of women asking men out, etc, just for ME personally, it doesn't get me excited about him if I am doing the pursuing.

 

 

I realize you told him you would call him upon your return, but I've said this to men too, and THEY still would call me....he has your number.

 

 

In any event, why not, instead of calling, just mosey down to the park one day perhaps you will run into him.... if you do and there's an interest flirt and let him know YOU would like HIM to call you..... like as you're walking away, smile and say "call me"!!

 

 

That's what I would do....

Edited by katiegrl
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

 

I realize you told him you would call him upon your return, but I've said this to men too, and THEY still would call me....he has your number..

 

I was thinking the same about him having my phone...Then I am remembering that when we exchanged number that night he text me. The following day he called to invite me to dinner (declined) and that evening he text again saying he knew I was busy preparing for my trip but if ever I had a little bit of time to come and join him at the park for the fireworks.

 

So he did a lot of pursuing maybe that's why he didn't try it again. Maybe he didn't try again because he met someone else too.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I was thinking the same about him having my phone...Then I am remembering that when we exchanged number that night he text me. The following day he called to invite me to dinner (declined) and that evening he text again saying he knew I was busy preparing for my trip but if ever I had a little bit of time to come and join him at the park for the fireworks.

 

So he did a lot of pursuing maybe that's why he didn't try it again. Maybe he didn't try again because he met someone else too.

 

 

It seems like you pushed him away so he is thinking she has my number. She can call/text.

 

Maybe I'll see her another time in the park.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I was thinking the same about him having my phone...Then I am remembering that when we exchanged number that night he text me. The following day he called to invite me to dinner (declined) and that evening he text again saying he knew I was busy preparing for my trip but if ever I had a little bit of time to come and join him at the park for the fireworks.

 

So he did a lot of pursuing maybe that's why he didn't try it again. Maybe he didn't try again because he met someone else too.

 

Oh well, there goes THAT theory.

 

 

Yeah he may have just gotten discouraged too....and then you went on your trip....

 

 

Accidentally (on purpose) running into him wouldn't hurt though....perhaps you might feel different next time you see him?

 

 

Unless of course you absolutely can't get past the pot belly... :)

 

 

I fell for a guy once (a guy I worked with). Had a HUGE crush on him...and we really clicked and got on well (he was married though).

 

 

Anyway, he was not the most handsome and like your guy, had a bit of pot belly also...but I didn't care because I felt such intense "chemistry"....I think we all tend to look past certain flaws when we feel that type of chemistry.

 

 

But you didn't feel it so I say just let it go....I know you're bored but don't settle and don't try to fit a square peg into a round hole....

 

 

Frankly I would rather be alone than with someone I did not feel a certain chemistry and spark with....but that's just me.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Frankly I would rather be alone than with someone I did not feel a certain chemistry and spark with....but that's just me.

 

I would not pursue beyond 3 dates with someone I don't feel chemistry with but I will give a second chance at someone I feel so so about. Like I said above it did happened on more than one occasion my feelings completely flipped after 2-3 dates.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I would not pursue beyond 3 dates with someone I don't feel chemistry with but I will give a second chance at someone I feel so so about. Like I said above it did happened on more than one occasion my feelings completely flipped after 2-3 dates.

 

So then head off to the park....and like Versachehottie said, reassess.

 

 

OR you could send him a text, that's pretty safe too....

 

 

If he is still interested he will text you back and you can both take it from there...

 

 

A couple of dates....if you still feel "meh," then okay, let it go.

 

 

But like you even said, there were times you felt meh, but then after a couple of dates, your feelings changed.

 

 

So give it a whirl...that's what I vote for.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I would give him a chance. Maybe he is trying to work off the big stomach.

 

I personally much prefer meeting girls in real life. More natural. If a girl said she would call me when she wasn't busy anymore I would probably take her at her word or assume she wasn't interested. I have had situations where I have just wanted a chance to hang out with a girl and let my personality come through but end up getting excuses from the girl so I drop it. I say you give him a shot.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...