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First Phone Call


JewelD

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So I've been talking to this girl I met online for a couple of weeks. Tonight, she called me for the first time. And I feel..let down. Although I'm not sure I should.

 

We talked for a little over an hour, we laughed, flirted, talked about making plans to see each other for labor day weekend. But there were a few moments in the convo that made me feel...some type of way.

 

She told me that she's talking to another girl she met around the same time as me. and that automatically made me feel bad. Obviously she's single and she has every right to do so, but I'm 2hrs away and the other girl lives near her. I'm a great catch, but it's going to take us longer to get to know each other bc of distance. I just feel like the other girl has an advantage over me. I would hate to catch feelings for her and then be cut off bc she wants to date the other girl.

 

She also mentioned her short attention span and how she almost forgot to call me. Idk, I think I made the mistake of fantasizing too much and expecting this perfectly amazing person and now that I see she's just a person, I kinda feel disappointed.

 

But other than my ridiculously high expectations not being met, it was a good conversation, it was normal even though I was nervous as hell. Do you think it's worth a shot continuing with this girl? ik I definitely need to make her less of a priority since I'm not a big one on her list. I just don't know how to proceed from here. I'm tired of pursuing her and I'd like the roles to be reversed.

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fitnessfan365

You're way too invested in a girl you've never even met. Unfortunately this happens a lot with people who date online. They talk for weeks before meeting building expectations. But it never lives up to what you create in your mind. Also, why focus on a girl that lives 2hrs away? There has to be women that you can meet up with in your area.

 

My advice for what it's worth is to focus on women you can date locally. Then try to meet in person ASAP and don't spend so much time talking before hand. That way you can live in the moment and get to know the person for who they really are. Not who you expect them to be.

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You're way too invested in a girl you've never even met. Unfortunately this happens a lot with people who date online. They talk for weeks before meeting building expectations. But it never lives up to what you create in your mind. Also, why focus on a girl that lives 2hrs away? There has to be women that you can meet up with in your area.

 

My advice for what it's worth is to focus on women you can date locally. Then try to meet in person ASAP and don't spend so much time talking before hand. That way you can live in the moment and get to know the person for who they really are. Not who you expect them to be.

 

My permanent home is in her area. I don't want to date anyone out here because I'm moving back home once I graduate. and it's a very country town so there were slim pickings on dating sites.

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usernametaken

Just so I get the picture - are you a girl, too? The rules of pursuit for lesbian relationships are a little different.

 

(I ask b/c of your user name - jewel is usually a girl name)

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Just so I get the picture - are you a girl, too? The rules of pursuit for lesbian relationships are a little different.

 

(I ask b/c of your user name - jewel is usually a girl name)

 

Yes, I'm a woman.

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How long is it until you graduate?

 

two years. But if I were to be in a relationship with someone in my hometown, I'd be willing to make the trip a couple times a month.

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usernametaken
Yes, I'm a woman.

 

I wouldn't worry so much about seeming overly eager, then. Just see how it plays out and if you continue like one another. But remember, she's not the end-all be-all.

 

Good luck!

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You're way too invested in a girl you've never even met. Unfortunately this happens a lot with people who date online. They talk for weeks before meeting building expectations. But it never lives up to what you create in your mind.

 

There are so many posts on LS that could be answered like this.

Unless you have met in person, in my opinion, there is nothing.

It's just the potential of something.

Over an hour on the first phone call? It's no wonder that there were uncomfortable moments. I have difficulty talking with by best friends and family for half that time.

 

Your situation regarding where you live is tricky. If you are not looking to settle down now, why not look at girls in your area, rather than potentially ruin the pool in your hometown by trying to force long distance?

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Do you think it's worth a shot continuing with this girl?

 

YES! Why not? You can wish all you like but things are what they are. Just roll with it and see where it takes you. Don't play to your fears or those of others ....play to what makes you happy. :)

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fitnessfan365
two years. But if I were to be in a relationship with someone in my hometown, I'd be willing to make the trip a couple times a month.

 

1) Let's say you meet someone in your hometown willing to take turns w-the drive. It would average out to 1-2 days a week (if you get an occasional full weekend). That's a hard sell for two years.

 

2) On the other hand, you meet someone locally and hit it off. After dating regularly for a long time, what if she doesn't want to move home w-you?

 

In either case, it's not an ideal situation to be in.

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I kinda think you're overthinking it Jewel. I have to agree with Jen, don't get super high expectations (though that can be difficult to moderate) and don't pull the plug either. Just kind-of go with it and see where it goes.

 

Once you get more calmed down and not quite as emotionally invested, you will be happier and there will be less stress on the relationship. You're having a long-term vision, so no need to rush things.

 

Hey, she called you, that's an awesome turn of the tables! Find appropriate joy in that! :) Don't smother her!

 

Ken

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1) Let's say you meet someone in your hometown willing to take turns w-the drive. It would average out to 1-2 days a week (if you get an occasional full weekend). That's a hard sell for two years.

 

2) On the other hand, you meet someone locally and hit it off. After dating regularly for a long time, what if she doesn't want to move home w-you?

 

In either case, it's not an ideal situation to be in.

 

It's not ideal, but it is what it is. I do have summer breaks along with other holidays. and this girl knows what the situation is. She used to play basketball overseas, so I'm guessing long distance is something she has experience with.

 

She's willing to drive a couple hours to see me without having actually met me before so ig that's a good sign.

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YES! Why not? You can wish all you like but things are what they are. Just roll with it and see where it takes you. Don't play to your fears or those of others ....play to what makes you happy. :)

 

You're right. I need to recenter my life on school right now. She was taking up waaay too much of my thinking time. Guess we'll see how it turns out!

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There are so many posts on LS that could be answered like this.

Unless you have met in person, in my opinion, there is nothing.

It's just the potential of something.

Over an hour on the first phone call? It's no wonder that there were uncomfortable moments. I have difficulty talking with by best friends and family for half that time.

 

Your situation regarding where you live is tricky. If you are not looking to settle down now, why not look at girls in your area, rather than potentially ruin the pool in your hometown by trying to force long distance?

 

It wasn't so much uncomfortable as I didn't like a couple of things she said. There weren't any awkward silences though. I'm a big talker so I usually spend several hours otp with my friends and family. I'm assuming she is too.

 

I'm from Chicago, so I don't think it's possible to even taint a fraction of the pool. lol

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***UPDATE***

 

So the day after our phone call, I was stressed about if I should text her first or not. She ended up initiating the convo pretty early in the morning which made me happy and we texted all day. She stopped responded around 6 and didn't say anything the next day either.

 

I thought of her short attention span and figured I'd ask how her day was yesterday evening. Now it's the next day and still nothing. I know she likes to party and drink and has a vibrant social life, so I'm kinda chalking it up to that and not taking it personally, but I'm annoyed with this girl.

 

I mean, isn't the courting process supposed to be where you really show a person that you're interested in getting to know them? Especially if you're talking about spending a weekend together. If she's annoying me now with her inconsistency, part of me feels like it would only continue or get worse if we started to date. Trying not to jump to conclusions tho. Maybe she'll b difference once/if we actually meet and I'm not just words on a screen to her.

 

It's been three weeks tho. If she flakes on me next weekend, I'm probably just gonna let it go.

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***UPDATE***

I mean, isn't the courting process supposed to be where you really show a person that you're interested in getting to know them? Especially if you're talking about spending a weekend together. If she's annoying me now with her inconsistency, part of me feels like it would only continue or get worse if we started to date. Trying not to jump to conclusions tho. Maybe she'll b difference once/if we actually meet and I'm not just words on a screen to her.

 

Yes, that is the courting process. But I understand her "flakiness" as you guys haven't met yet. I have done a lot of online dating and it's to the point where I pretty much can't be bothered chatting too much before we meet. I guess I'm burned out on hitting it off with guys over email and text and then nothing in person. So I would hold off on making big decisions until you two meet. Shoot her occasional light texts to show you're still interested but save the big lengthy discussions for in person.

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******UPDATE*****

 

So today was the 4th day I didn't hear from her. She uses a texting app so I'm pretty sure she doesn't have cell phone service unless she's in an area with free wifi. Still, I'm sure she went home at some point and saw I had texted her. I asked her about her plans for this weekend since we were trying to see each other and she didn't respond.

 

I kept trying to justify reasons why she may just be busy or she's just not as invested because we haven't met, this that and the other, but fck it. She knows I've put in a lot of time and effort trying to get to know her and she has put forth very little effort in return. So I'm just gonna leave it alone. If she gets back to me, I'm gonna address the crappy communication because it's a pain in my ass. If she doesn't, it's for the best. She has caused me so much stress and uncertainty these past 3 weeks that I can't even imagine what an actual relationship with her would feel like.

 

People are just...awful sometimes. It's not right to toy with people for your own amusement. If you're not interested, you shouldn't be hot and cold about it, just let them know upfront and let that be that. All this in between, keeping people on the sidelines for when you get bored is just rude. :rolleyes:

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Jewel, for whatever it's worth...I once worked with a gal who was in a lesbian relationship...and I have not seen so many games played by my co-worker's girlfriend in my entire life.

 

 

She put every game playing man I have ever known to absolute shame!! Including my commitment phobe brother who is one of the biggest game players there is.

 

 

I talked to her about it (and the comparison between straight couples playing games vs. lesbian couples) and she said lesbians are WAY WAY worse at playing head games...that every chick she has been involved played a major head trip on her.

 

 

Again FWIW...

 

 

Good luck though, I hope it works out.. :)

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Men and women play different sorts of games, but it's true that women tend to be much more effective at the games they play. (Take it from someone who's seen her fair share from both.) I don't know that I agree that lesbians are intrinsically more game-inclined, I think moreso it's a dynamic of two women making a lot more intrigue together. Think of relationships like chemicals - women are volatile and men are stable. Put a stable and a volatile together and you can get fireworks, but put two volatiles together and something's likely to blow up. ;)

 

(Volatile equals more complex in my example, not innately hostile or crazy.)

 

Anyway good call Jewel. There's lots more out there. :)

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I just feel terrible. I shouldn't have pursued her after the first time she blew me off. It's like I set myself up for rejection a second time. Ik I won't get it, but I really want an explanation. I tried really hard to not come off too pushy the second time, asking advice on here and from my friends, and I got the same results.

 

I just dont understand the point of all this. wat pleasure is really to be had by treating people like that?

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I just feel terrible. I shouldn't have pursued her after the first time she blew me off. It's like I set myself up for rejection a second time. Ik I won't get it, but I really want an explanation. I tried really hard to not come off too pushy the second time, asking advice on here and from my friends, and I got the same results.

 

I just dont understand the point of all this. wat pleasure is really to be had by treating people like that?

 

Well, knowing what I know about games, there's a good chance she was 'putting you on post' as they say - stringing you along so she could pick you up if/when she got bored. Yeah ppl suck sometimes. Hugs. :)

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You're probably right. That would explain why she didn't really care to keep in touch on a regular basis or skype or send photos or anything that involved moving forward. ik it's not worth it, but I'm pissed and I really want to tell her ass off.

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