Was he asking too much or was I being too hasty?

[Jejangles]

I recently dated a guy for just over a month or so and we ended it last night. I had asked a question about some verbal tics he had but in the end that wasn't what finished it off.

 

What ended it is he is separated (divorce proceedings are under way after 18 months but no end in sight) and religious. His religious beliefs include no sex before marriage, natural family planning within marriage, goes to Church every Sunday. I am single, agnostic almost atheist and feminist. My profile clearly says non religious, so he would have known this when he first messaged me online.

 

Despite our different views we got along well, shared a lot of the same interests and generally had fun together. He shared very early on that he is a single dater, I am usually a multi dater in the early days but out of respect for him had not gone out on any dates recently.

 

So last week he said he was ready to start ramping the relationship up to something more serious, but that he wasn't necessarily actively looking for a long term relationship / eventual marriage and he wasn't sure how he felt about sex outside marriage. His beliefs have evolved since his marriage broke down but it is a work in progress. I did not know until our last date that he was planning to remain abstinent indefinitely.

 

I indicated that I am interested in dating that has long term potential for a full relationship, including sex, and that his marital status / religious beliefs kind of made that difficult. He asked me to give him a few months in an exclusive dating scenario and we could see where things evolved.

 

Basically I felt like he was asking to sort himself and his thoughts out on my time - like he's testing out someone completely different to his ex, who matched his beliefs. And while he says he's rethinking his views, he's actually more entrenched in that thinking than he may realise. So I said I would be happy to keep dating casually, which would include the option to see other people if we wanted to, and if his divorce was finalised or he was clearer on whether he would ever be interested in a full relationship (including sex) outside marriage, he could let me know.

 

He didn't see how that could work and it goes against his preferred single dating approach so we ended it over the phone last night.

 

So here's my question - was he being reasonable or was he asking a lot of me after one month of dating? and was I too hasty to cut it off or was I protecting myself and my time?

 

I should add I am mid thirties and hesitant to spend months / years of my life with someone who is in such a time of turmoil and change... I felt like the whole situation only really had an upside for him, and there was a lot of potential down side for me. But I'm having doubts today and wondering if I'm following my usual pattern of shutting things down before they really have a chance.

[Jacob_Duluoz]

You two are pretty clearly not compatible on multiple fronts.

[GemmaUK]

I would stay the hell away.

These are huge incompatibilities.

[TaraMaiden2]

I think you were right to break up. There is a gulf between your requirements and his. And I don't think he even knows what his are, even...

 

No. It was obviously civil, and you did it the right way.

Good for you, well done.

[smackie9]

Did his profile clearly state "religious" "going through divorce" etc? After some discussion you knew what his beliefs were, so you also had the chance to say no......Should have cut him off then. It's like tying to put a square peg in a round hole....it's not gonna fit.

 

So do not doubt your decision for one second! Good on you.

[Jejangles]

I think you were right to break up. There is a gulf between your requirements and his. And I don't think he even knows what his are, even...

 

No. It was obviously civil, and you did it the right way.

Good for you, well done.

 

Yes, you hit the nail on the head. Every date we had some new piece of a difference in our beliefs would come out, but he'd always indicate that he was going to be open minded and wanted to keep dating... So then I'd think "one more date wouldn't hurt". It was when he was ready to get more serious that I really had to think it through.

 

I think he was trying me on for size and I was hoping that he was on his way to a big change in his perspective. But that's not fair to either of us, we are who we are, you can't date someone hoping they'll change a huge part of themselves!

[Jejangles]

Did his profile clearly state "religious" "going through divorce" etc? After some discussion you knew what his beliefs were, so you also had the chance to say no......Should have cut him off then. It's like tying to put a square peg in a round hole....it's not gonna fit.

 

So do not doubt your decision for one second! Good on you.

 

I knew he was separated from his profile, but we didn't discuss it until date three and I was satisfied with his status on that. The separated status on its own wasn't really a problem, he's done a lot of emotional work to move on from his marriage.

 

I'm assuming his profile said Christian, but I can't remember. Unless the profile specifically talks about religious beliefs I don't worry too much about it, because beliefs can be so broad.

 

I found out he was a church goer on date three. I quizzed him a bit on date four and he presented himself as fairly conservative but evolving. Then date six (our last date) we randomly got on a topic that lead to his views on contraception and sex outside marriage. I told him then we were pretty far apart on that and I needed time to think about it, so we scheduled the call for yesterday and ended it. Over five weeks or so we got together six times, chatted on the phone quite often and had daily texts. It was a quasi relationship but I had doubts the whole time because it felt like I was discovering incompatibilities every date.

[GemmaUK]

I knew he was separated from his profile, but we didn't discuss it until date three and I was satisfied with his status on that. The separated status on its own wasn't really a problem, he's done a lot of emotional work to move on from his marriage.

 

I'm assuming his profile said Christian, but I can't remember. Unless the profile specifically talks about religious beliefs I don't worry too much about it, because beliefs can be so broad.

 

I found out he was a church goer on date three. I quizzed him a bit on date four and he presented himself as fairly conservative but evolving. Then date six (our last date) we randomly got on a topic that lead to his views on contraception and sex outside marriage. I told him then we were pretty far apart on that and I needed time to think about it, so we scheduled the call for yesterday and ended it. Over five weeks or so we got together six times, chatted on the phone quite often and had daily texts. It was a quasi relationship but I had doubts the whole time because it felt like I was discovering incompatibilities every date.

 

You've seriously done the right thing.

Good for you!

[smackie9]

I guess there's another question to be added on the list "been married?"

"got any kids?" and now "So you go to church?"

[Jejangles]

I guess there's another question to be added on the list "been married?"

"got any kids?" and now "So you go to church?"

 

Haha, I'm gonna become that crazy who silently hands a survey over on first dates and then checks the responses...

 

Let's add "hey, sex outside marriage, thoughts?" Not something I have honestly thought of asking the 30 to 40 year olds I date, but apparently needed... I live in a pretty liberal and left leaning city, church going abstaining Christians are actually pretty rare around here. As proved by the fact that it didn't come up until date six!