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Why does he retreat to his "cave" like this?!


GreenEyes1005

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GreenEyes1005

Okay so the guy I'm dating pursued me for over a year and I finally woke up, and now we've been dating several months. We don't fight often at all, but there (of course) are days when one or both of us are in bad moods, and through communication he has gotten better about telling me what's on his mind and I've gotten better about showing him more appreciation. Things have been really good... He's been very stressed lately with work and family stuff, but I've tried my best to cheer him up here and there. On Thursday night he was working late, and since I was meeting up with friends for dinner near his work, I went by to say hello. I have done that before and generally he looks at my impromptu visits as a little break from work craziness. This time however, he was pissy, told me he was swamped with work and I left feeling like crap.

 

He texted me a couple hours later to say that in case I hadn't figured it out, surprise visits when he's super busy or in a bad mood don't always work well. I said I'd noticed and not to worry because I wouldn't be doing that again anytime soon, and told him that make me feel like crap. He then texted back to say I also smelled like smoke (I recently quit smoking but have been around friends who do... He hates smoking). I told him I wasn't smoking again, told him thanks for making me feel like crap, and said goodnight.

 

Yesterday I left him alone all day, but before going to a baseball game with friends I put a card under his windshield wiper basically saying sorry for my poorly timed surprise visit, and that I hope he had a better day. I haven't heard a word from him since Thursday night. I don't think I did anything wrong here, so why am I feeling like I'm being shut out? He has gone MIA for a couple days once before, but that hasn't happened in a long time. Is he feeling guilty for taking his bad mood out on me or something or does he just want space? I don't get it. Any advice would be appreciated!!

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While it is comforting when men are predictable, sometimes we're not and need some alone time to get back on top of the routine and predictability. We process that out in 'cave' time. In my group, sometimes a number of us get together, plow through some beers and do group cave time. It kinda resets things and cleanses the clutter. The wives know better than to interrupt our cave time. Heh.

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Well I have a feeling he didn't appreciate your snarky responses so he's leaving you alone. He's just being stubborn.

 

If he felt any guilt you would have received flowers at the door by now. Time to reassess your relationship.

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While it is comforting when men are predictable, sometimes we're not and need some alone time to get back on top of the routine and predictability. We process that out in 'cave' time. In my group, sometimes a number of us get together, plow through some beers and do group cave time. It kinda resets things and cleanses the clutter. The wives know better than to interrupt our cave time. Heh.

 

Fair enough, but how does she know you're in your cave? Do you tell her beforehand so she knows to leave you alone during this time?

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GreenEyes1005
While it is comforting when men are predictable, sometimes we're not and need some alone time to get back on top of the routine and predictability. We process that out in 'cave' time. In my group, sometimes a number of us get together, plow through some beers and do group cave time. It kinda resets things and cleanses the clutter. The wives know better than to interrupt our cave time. Heh.

 

 

I understand the "cave time" in theory and don't really mind if he wants a day or two to himself every now and then, I guess it mainly bothers me because he's been so great about communicating better and BOOM. Now he's MIA again. I know he'll probably text in a day or two like nothing ever happened too, which also irks me. If there was some kind of warning before these retreats into the cave it'd be a lot easier to deal with, but evidently these do not have warnings.

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While it is comforting when men are predictable, sometimes we're not and need some alone time to get back on top of the routine and predictability. We process that out in 'cave' time. In my group, sometimes a number of us get together, plow through some beers and do group cave time. It kinda resets things and cleanses the clutter. The wives know better than to interrupt our cave time. Heh.

 

Well I have a feeling he didn't appreciate your snarky responses so he's leaving you alone. He's just being stubborn.

 

If he felt any guilt you would have received flowers at the door by now. Time to reassess your relationship.

 

 

 

Yes he IS very stubborn and so am I. I don't need flowers or anything for him to be "sorry". I know he didn't purposely hurt my feelings and probably felt/feels bad that he essentially took out his bad day on me (which he's never done), which is why I dropped off the card. Kind of as a peace offering, ha. He's put up with my moodiness and I'm perfectly okay with him having days where he's crabby or whatever, but the silence that's ensuing is irritating.

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Fair enough, but how does she know you're in your cave? Do you tell her beforehand so she knows to leave you alone during this time?

When the guys gather out by the BBQ and commence ingestion of beers and smoke appears, there's the sign. Heh.

 

Personally, I was never a solo cave time guy. My exW experienced my moods in real time, just like I did hers. Equitable. However, I'm outlier. Most men are not like that, at least most men I know.

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When the guys gather out by the BBQ and commence ingestion of beers and smoke appears, there's the sign. Heh.

 

Personally, I was never a solo cave time guy. My exW experienced my moods in real time, just like I did hers. Equitable. However, I'm outlier. Most men are not like that, at least most men I know.

 

Yeah my bf and I are the same (we live together).. I pretty much know when to leave him alone though.

 

It took him awhile to figure out the same about me..... he's still doesn't get it sometimes though, so I just tell him.....

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When the guys gather out by the BBQ and commence ingestion of beers and smoke appears, there's the sign. Heh.

 

Personally, I was never a solo cave time guy. My exW experienced my moods in real time, just like I did hers. Equitable. However, I'm outlier. Most men are not like that, at least most men I know.

 

 

 

This guy is definitely a solo cave time kind of guy. It seems like when he gets stressed he can still communicate and tell me what's on his mind but when he's super stressed he retreats from the world for a couple days and literally surrounds himself with things he can work on or keep him busy (like painting his house, or putting in new cabinets or something).

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This guy is definitely a solo cave time kind of guy. It seems like when he gets stressed he can still communicate and tell me what's on his mind but when he's super stressed he retreats from the world for a couple days and literally surrounds himself with things he can work on or keep him busy (like painting his house, or putting in new cabinets or something).

 

GreenEyes, IMO this is completely normal. Just leave him alone and allow him his space. Don't text or call.

 

Let him miss you. He needs to feel that once in awhile.

 

In a couple of days, maybe sooner, he will be back to his old self, and he will appreciate that you left him alone. In time, his solo cave time will become less and less.

 

Don't worry, to me this is normal!

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*We don't fight often at all, but there (of course) are days when one or both of us are in bad moods!

 

A person's bad mood belongs to them.

 

They shouldn't take it out on other people.

 

Ever.

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GreenEyes, IMO this is completely normal. Just leave him alone and allow him his space. Don't text or call.

 

Let him miss you. He needs to feel that once in awhile.

 

In a couple of days, maybe sooner, he will be back to his old self, and he will appreciate that you left him alone. In time, his solo cave time will become less and less.

 

Don't worry, to me this is normal!

 

 

 

Thank you katiegrl. The only time prior that this happened was after a death in the family and after a couple days he popped back up like his normal self, so I tend to think you're right and it's normal. I don't feel worried or anything really, more just that I wish I could help him de-stress or make him smile.

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Yes he IS very stubborn and so am I. I don't need flowers or anything for him to be "sorry". I know he didn't purposely hurt my feelings and probably felt/feels bad that he essentially took out his bad day on me (which he's never done), which is why I dropped off the card. Kind of as a peace offering, ha. He's put up with my moodiness and I'm perfectly okay with him having days where he's crabby or whatever, but the silence that's ensuing is irritating.

 

You in no way should give him a "peace offering" when you didn't deserve to be spoken to that way. He was the one who was being disrespectful. All you are doing is enabling his behavior, if he is receiving no repercussions for his actions.

Don't let him think his behavior is acceptable or he will never change.

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Thank you katiegrl. The only time prior that this happened was after a death in the family and after a couple days he popped back up like his normal self, so I tend to think you're right and it's normal. I don't feel worried or anything really, more just that I wish I could help him de-stress or make him smile.

 

I know how you feel, as women we always want to help.

 

But in this case, it will work against you. Right now, he does not want your help. He wants to be left alone. It's nothing personal.

 

If you interrupt his space, it WILL become personal. As in, he will become annoyed with you and resent you. Snap at you, making you feel worse!

 

Just leave him alone. It's only a day or two. Just do your own thing. Meet your girlfriends or something.

 

Okie? No worries, it will be fine imo and I am basing this on personal experience...:bunny::bunny:

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He texted me a couple hours later to say that in case I hadn't figured it out, surprise visits when he's super busy or in a bad mood don't always work well.

 

This was him reaching out to you because he was feeling guilty. You could have replied to this with: I understand sometimes it's not the best of time for an surprise visit, next time just tell me kindly.

 

And you say nothing else............

 

 

I said I'd noticed and not to worry because I wouldn't be doing that again anytime soon,

 

That is you being passive aggressive and throwing fuel on the fire. You were punishing him. It was your way of saying 'you hurt my feelings so I will hurt yours by not visiting you anymore cause I know you like it'.

 

If you had left him alone like I suggested first he would have come back with an apology. Now because you threw fuel on the fire you're mad at him for his bad moods and he's bad at you for your smart-@ss remark.

 

Let him cool down.

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GreenEyes1005
This was him reaching out to you because he was feeling guilty. You could have replied to this with: I understand sometimes it's not the best of time for an surprise visit, next time just tell me kindly.

 

And you say nothing else............

 

 

 

 

That is you being passive aggressive and throwing fuel on the fire. You were punishing him. It was your way of saying 'you hurt my feelings so I will hurt yours by not visiting you anymore cause I know you like it'.

 

If you had left him alone like I suggested first he would have come back with an apology. Now because you threw fuel on the fire you're mad at him for his bad moods and he's bad at you for your smart-@ss remark.

 

Let him cool down.

 

 

Gaeta, I appreciate your response and agree with you. I was mad and initially I took his "feeling guilty" text like he was being condescending, but after thinking on it, I agree that that was his way of reaching out or feeling guilty. I shouldn't have said anything snarky. Which I also thought about and spurred the "peace offering" card.

 

I'm giving him his space, but value your input greatly! I need to think before responding ASAP at times.

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This was him reaching out to you because he was feeling guilty. You could have replied to this with: I understand sometimes it's not the best of time for an surprise visit, next time just tell me kindly.

 

And you say nothing else............

 

 

 

 

That is you being passive aggressive and throwing fuel on the fire. You were punishing him. It was your way of saying 'you hurt my feelings so I will hurt yours by not visiting you anymore cause I know you like it'.

 

If you had left him alone like I suggested first he would have come back with an apology. Now because you threw fuel on the fire you're mad at him for his bad moods and he's bad at you for your smart-@ss remark.

 

Let him cool down.

 

Not only this but the card you left was more fuel. I would have taken it as a smart comment and not a peace offering.

 

Even still, this is his mess and he owes you an apology and some. However the passive-aggressive comments are delaying it.

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Not only this but the card you left was more fuel. I would have taken it as a smart comment and not a peace offering.

 

Even still, this is his mess and he owes you an apology and some. However the passive-aggressive comments are delaying it.

 

When he returns to his old self, IMO they both owe each other an apology.

 

Look at the bright side ....make up sex is so much fun!!!! :bunny::bunny::bunny:

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Not only this but the card you left was more fuel. I would have taken it as a smart comment and not a peace offering.

 

Even still, this is his mess and he owes you an apology and some. However the passive-aggressive comments are delaying it.

 

 

Oh, I didn't even think of the card being considered "fuel". :( The card essentially was me saying I understand that I came at a bad time, I miss him, and I hoped he had a better day.

 

Yeah I think he owes me an apology but I probably owe him one too.

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When he returns to his old self, IMO they both owe each other an apology.

 

Look at the bright side ....make up sex is so much fun!!!! :bunny::bunny::bunny:

 

 

Yes, I agree that we both owe apologies. Neither of us are perfect. I hope he doesn't take too long, I miss him and would rather get these apologies over with instead of living in silence.

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let a guy have his "alone" time and pls, absolutely do not apologize when there's nothing to apologize for. He was being an arse.... sort of. I understand the "cave" thing, just make sure he doesn't feel he has the right to mistreat you when he is in that fowl mood, ok? Last thing you want to do is encourage bad behaviour, girl. I don't mean to be disrespectful but bad habits in an early RS are easy to catch and take forever to get rid of.

 

No, you do NOT have to cheer him up, he is a big guy, he should be able to take care of his mood swings by himself. Who's taking care of you? How is he being a good bf to you when he's moody?

 

I don't mean to be harsh to you, but please, think healthy boundaries and make sure you mark them clearly in your head, in his head and in your territory.

 

I suggest you take a mental break from this dude and vanish on him, to give him all of the time in the world to chill and think about how he treats you. Allow him to chase you, girl. He apparently loves to chase, it took him one year to get you. MAybe... he's getting bored because things are a bit to easy and smooth between the 2 of you?

 

Give him the space and opportunity to chase, I say. Do your thing, girl. He's got your number. Stay strong.

 

cheers

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Yes, I agree that we both owe apologies. Neither of us are perfect. I hope he doesn't take too long, I miss him and would rather get these apologies over with instead of living in silence.

 

well... if he has a character, that's not gonna help you signal him that he needs to keep his character in control.

 

A man appreciates it when a girl shows him what behaviour is acceptable and which one is not. By apologizing when he's done something wrong, you may make him respect you less. I cannot stress enough how important it is that this does NOT happen. The moment he lacks respect for you, if he's anything abusive, he'll walk all over you.

 

Really really careful there. Really careful.

 

Ok, you've apologized, you've been sweet, enough already. He needs to come to you and say "I'm sorry". Grow a pair of balls and vanish. Really...

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GreenEyes1005

So should I send an apology first or just wait for him to text? The silence kills me but I want to do the right thing this time....

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So should I send an apology first or just wait for him to text? The silence kills me but I want to do the right thing this time....

 

Go for a run or do yoga to alleviate your anxiety. Under no circumstances should you text him, call him or god forbid send another apology.

 

Leave him ALONE..

 

It's Saturday night, do you have friends? Call one of them. Go out and try to stop thinking/obsessing about it.

 

Don't drink! It will weaken you tempting you to contact him.

 

Don't do it!!!!!

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