Meeting the kids trouble

[bljack295]

Hello, met a woman a few weeks ago out on the town and we have seen each other a few times. We are both divorced. She has 3 kids the oldest I think is around 17/18 the younger 2 are boy 8 and girl 6. Different race obviously adopted (she told me). Only the youngest 2 went with us to the movies. My kids are 9 and 7. I thought it was a good idea that we all meet to see the Minions movie since all of us have wanted to see it.

 

I arrange to meet her and the kids at the theater complex, I get there early to get seats. The theater is packed. I see what looks like her daughter standing by the door of the theater we are supposed to be in. I recognize her from pictures and Facebook. I'm wondering why she wandering around by herself and I ask her if her name is Zoe and she said yes and I asked her where her mom is and she said in line for food, so I go and get all the kids seated so nobody will take our seats and sat there for a few minutes wondering where mom was. Her boy was a nice kid, cool little dude and told me people kept trying to take our seats I didn't really want to leave the kids alone so I sit there chatting with her kids wondering where she is. 15 minutes later she comes in with food, kids meals basically. I greet her and she hands the food to her kids and her daughter starts to have a HUGE meltdown. She didn't like the candy that was with her meal. She starts to make a scene, screaming and crying and refused to sit down and watch the movie. Despite Mom telling her to sit down right now and eat what she was given she yelled out an earth shattering NO and kicked the seat in front of her really hard. So mom gets up frustrated and exchanged the candy for what she wants and gives it to her. by this point I'm annoyed and a little embarassed and I'm thinking what a huge brat this little girl is and she deserves a swat on her butt. I asked Mom why is she giving in to her and she said because she has no choice she spent alot of money already and doesnt want her to make any more of a scene. So the little princess gets what she wants and after about 15 minutes more finally stops the pouting. Her boy was great, really good kid and behaved the whole movie along with my kids.

 

So after the movie we decide to get dinner. We sat down and the kids are given kids menus and crayons to draw with. Little Princess Zoe starts in again and took a crayon from my daughter because she wants the color and when my daughter took it back, meltdown number 2 happened. I could tell Mom was really frustrated and took the little girl outside. They did not come in for 20 minutes both had been crying. So I figured we should call it a night. I paid the bill and I walked her and the kids to their car, told the kids it was nice meeting them, gave a hug to Mom and just kind of got the hell out of there.

 

I was then hit with a barrage of texts from Mom apologizing for everything and she was really embarrassed over daughters behavior and shes sorry my kids had to witness it, and she doesn't know what to do with Zoe lots of problems since the divorce. Through texts I learned a lot about her and the kids and she adopted them as newborns with her ex. Nothing good to say about him at all, they don't get along and don't co parent but they have joint custody but he is custodial parent.

 

This really sucks because I really dig this chick but already cannot stand her kid. Is it way to early for me to think this or were we crazy for meeting the kids so early? i am in no hurry at all to see that little girl again and part of me wants to walk away from this whole thing

[yxalitis]

Hello, met a woman a few weeks ago out on the town and we have seen each other a few times. We are both divorced. She has 3 kids the oldest I think is around 17/18 the younger 2 are boy 8 and girl 6. Different race obviously adopted (she told me). Only the youngest 2 went with us to the movies. My kids are 9 and 7. I thought it was a good idea that we all meet to see the Minions movie since all of us have wanted to see it.

 

I arrange to meet her and the kids at the theater complex, I get there early to get seats. The theater is packed. I see what looks like her daughter standing by the door of the theater we are supposed to be in. I recognize her from pictures and Facebook. I'm wondering why she wandering around by herself and I ask her if her name is Zoe and she said yes and I asked her where her mom is and she said in line for food, so I go and get all the kids seated so nobody will take our seats and sat there for a few minutes wondering where mom was. Her boy was a nice kid, cool little dude and told me people kept trying to take our seats I didn't really want to leave the kids alone so I sit there chatting with her kids wondering where she is. 15 minutes later she comes in with food, kids meals basically. I greet her and she hands the food to her kids and her daughter starts to have a HUGE meltdown. She didn't like the candy that was with her meal. She starts to make a scene, screaming and crying and refused to sit down and watch the movie. Despite Mom telling her to sit down right now and eat what she was given she yelled out an earth shattering NO and kicked the seat in front of her really hard. So mom gets up frustrated and exchanged the candy for what she wants and gives it to her. by this point I'm annoyed and a little embarassed and I'm thinking what a huge brat this little girl is and she deserves a swat on her butt. I asked Mom why is she giving in to her and she said because she has no choice she spent alot of money already and doesnt want her to make any more of a scene. So the little princess gets what she wants and after about 15 minutes more finally stops the pouting. Her boy was great, really good kid and behaved the whole movie along with my kids.

 

So after the movie we decide to get dinner. We sat down and the kids are given kids menus and crayons to draw with. Little Princess Zoe starts in again and took a crayon from my daughter because she wants the color and when my daughter took it back, meltdown number 2 happened. I could tell Mom was really frustrated and took the little girl outside. They did not come in for 20 minutes both had been crying. So I figured we should call it a night. I paid the bill and I walked her and the kids to their car, told the kids it was nice meeting them, gave a hug to Mom and just kind of got the hell out of there.

 

I was then hit with a barrage of texts from Mom apologizing for everything and she was really embarrassed over daughters behavior and shes sorry my kids had to witness it, and she doesn't know what to do with Zoe lots of problems since the divorce. Through texts I learned a lot about her and the kids and she adopted them as newborns with her ex. Nothing good to say about him at all, they don't get along and don't co parent but they have joint custody but he is custodial parent.

 

This really sucks because I really dig this chick but already cannot stand her kid. Is it way to early for me to think this or were we crazy for meeting the kids so early? i am in no hurry at all to see that little girl again and part of me wants to walk away from this whole thing

When you date a single mother, you are dating her and her kids.

Yes, you do need to like them all.

Me ex's daughter was pretty bad in different ways, I won't bore you with the details, suffice to say I didn't like her at all...ever.

 

Is this girl gong to be a deal breaker?

 

You've met her ONCE.

The mom reacted in a way to suggest she is aware of the problem, and didn't brush it aside as though this is accepted, normal behaviour.

I'd say talk to her about how you could help.

 

 

Oh,and remember...

IF you continue, you'll have a blended, mixed race family of 5 to contend with.

[DivorcedDad123]

I think it was a mistake to meet the kids this way. Y'all basically forced the kids into an awkward setting. Too many distractions for too many kids to process. Try meeting the kids in a comfortable setting for THEM and only by yourself with their mom. It takes kids a while to open up to the possibility of someone else in their parents life romantically. Its completely against their "normal".

Have dinner at their home. Watch a movie together. Talk to them about their interests. Do the same for your kids. And, no physical displays of affection around the kids until they're comfortable with you, or her.

Later on, have some one on one time with each kid if you continue to date, so they can open up and feel at ease with you. You have to take on each kid as their own identity and try to relate to them.

Also, you two introduced them way too early, imo. 6 months dating is usually a good starting point to introduce a SO to the kids. And, the mixed race thing should be a non issue. If it is, its already time to move on.

Edited August 9, 2015 by DivorcedDad123
assumed without thinking

[yellowhibiscus]

IMO, way too early to be meeting kids! You should date her first and then bring the children into the picture at a much later time...when you know for sure that you want a long term relationship with her. The kids are a package deal and you don't want them forming attachments to you or your children if you aren't 100% in it.

[xcupid]

What's done is done. You can't unring the bell and do this over.

 

 

Next time when the kids are involved let them choose what they want to do and see how they behave and how well you bond with all of them.

 

 

It would seem that the "princess" is having personal issues because of the divorce which will have to be addressed. You've based your opinion on her on one outing. Perhaps you should give her the benefit of the doubt and get to know her before you decide you don't like her.

 

 

In this situation I'd be more concerned about different parenting styles and whether your parenting style clashes or coincides with those of your girlfriend. To me, this seems to be an opportunity to help and support each other since you are both raising kids after a divorce.

[mrldii]

I agree with xcupid...whether it was too soon or not matters little now that it's been done.

 

But, I also agree that it may be too soon to make a definite decision to end it, especially since you really do like the mother. I don't agree with the way she handled things (especially the part where she and the Princess went outside for 20 minutes and they both came back crying?!?), but it may have been an off night for one or the other of them, Princess Zoe may have been putting on an extra thick coat of acting up (since you - a stranger - were involved), and/or she may be handling the divorce worse than the other child/ren.

 

I would pay attention to it and while maybe not a red flag, yet...it's definitely a bright, shining, neon pink one. If the blended kids and adults can't get along, any serious relationship is going to be in serious trouble.

 

 

Best of luck to you, OP...

[bljack295]

Thanks everyone for your responses you all were much gentler than I was expecting.

 

I normally do not even think about meeting the kids this early it was more of a matter of convenience. She had mentioned she was taking her kids to that movie and I planned it too so I mentioned why don't we go together. I was not expecting the drama with it.

 

I'm not going to throw in the towel just yet but I'm going to refrain having any kids with us for a bit and get to know her first.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you need give Mom and the kid a bit of a break, here. You barely know them. Maybe the little girl had been sick, or tired, or stressed from the interaction with strangers (you and your children) I'm frankly a bit surprised to hear you decide so soon that you don't like the kid and label her a princess. Have your own children never had a bad day? No tantrums? Have they always behaved well? You met them once. It sounds like their mom has their hands full, and you don't know very much about the family dynamic or background of this girl's behaviour. Assuming she is a princess is a bit premature, given that you hardly know any of them.

 

Next time, get to know the woman first before even thinking about introducing your children to one another. It was far, far too soon.

[mrldii]

I think you need give Mom and the kid a bit of a break, here. You barely know them. Maybe the little girl had been sick, or tired, or stressed from the interaction with strangers (you and your children) I'm frankly a bit surprised to hear you decide so soon that you don't like the kid and label her a princess. Have your own children never had a bad day? No tantrums? Have they always behaved well? You met them once. It sounds like their mom has their hands full, and you don't know very much about the family dynamic or background of this girl's behaviour. Assuming she is a princess is a bit premature, given that you hardly know any of them...

 

I was sorta of thinking the same thing, but something in the way he wrote about the mother's responses to her and her explanations for her daughter's errant behavior suggested it was not just this night. Granted, it may not be how she is/has always been (she may be reacting to the divorce), but it's not new AND different...it's different and has been going on for awhile.

 

I, too, think it's premature to write it off completely, but I certainly wouldn't blame a guy if he decided that a child's behavior - 'legitimate' reasons or not - is something he doesn't want to deal with, for the long haul...especially when he's got his own children who might be influenced by that behavior/attention it receives.