Jump to content

New relationship. Can't end it because of his mental state.


McGuffin

Recommended Posts

About 12 years ago, I used to work with this guy (M) in a retail store. I'd suggest we hang out, he'd blow me off. He was too busy hanging out with rock stars.

 

6 months ago, M messaged me on Facebook. He seemed down, so I asked him to go hiking. We went out a few times, and he seemed much less like the self-absorbed guy I used to know so we started dating. It mostly went ok, but every time I started to think I could maybe develop feelings for him, he'd do something to change my mind -- like forget that he'd said he'd come with me to a show on certain day or call me when I was already in bed at 2am because he'd taken the bus to the beach and had missed the last bus home and needed me to drive an hour to pick him up.

 

He's a sweet guy with a good heart, but he's irresponsible, and I had been questioning if I could develop feelings for him and if the relationship was worth continuing.

 

He has a mental illness which was managed by medication, but he didn't like the side effects. So 2 months ago he asked his doctor about changing medications. The new medication made him manic (I talked to him the first day he took it and we was like a totally different person) and he assaulted a family member.

 

So he's in jail, where they haven’t given him any meds. So his mental state is not good. He’ll be going into treatment until he's stabilized again, which will likely take at least 2-3 months. I've been going to visit him to let him know what's going on and ask him questions for his family because the rest of his family and close friends are out of state.

 

I don't see myself as having a relationship with M in the future, and by the time he's done with treatment, the time he's been in jail + treatment will be longer than we were dating beforehand.

 

I can be his friend and support him since he hasn’t got many friends in the area, but not a relationship.

 

To add a wrench, in July I saw a guy friend (H) who I met 3 years ago who lives in another country and see once a year. I had a crush on him since the second I met him, but I realized I’m madly in love with him. He’s still with his gf, but their relationship is not going well, and I realized I’d wait for him until the end of the f*cking world. I made the mistake of staying with my ex with I met H instead of pursuing him, and he ended up getting a gf. I’m not going to make the same mistake again if he's available. (I’ve mentioned him before http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/337087-when-relationship-meet-someone-else-out-blue and http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/487669-okay-let-taken-person-know-you-re-interested-if-they-were-single)

 

I feel bad that I know I’d rather be with someone else. And ordinarily I would just tell M. If he weren’t in jail, I would have already broken things off a month or two ago. But he’s in a terrible situation and is mentally unstable, so he doesn’t need any upsetting news. His family has made it clear that stressful or upsetting news can make his mental state worse when he’s not on meds.

 

Hypothetically if, for example, 3 months from now H were to break up with his gf and M were still not stable? Or what if I met someone else (not that’s likely to happen)? Would it be wrong to date someone else or is that reasonable?

 

What is the etiquette when you want to date other people but you can’t break up with the person you dated for 4 months because they’re recovering in a mental hospital?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I want you to get this straight in your head.

 

YOU DO NOT OWE THIS MAN ANYTHING.

 

Read that again. I will say it again just in case;

 

YOU DO NOT OWE THIS MAN ANYTHING.

 

The etiquette is that you break it off with him. You tell him that you do not want to date him any more, good luck in the future and please leave you alone.

 

Then you delete him off of your facebook page etc.

 

This man didn't want you when he was well. He blew you off time and time again. Now he is using you as a crutch because he doesn't want to get better.

 

Get the hell away from this man. He is toxic. 4 months with someone who isn't all that interested is not a blood pact. You are not married and he has also been violent towards people that care about him.

 

Get off the merry go round before it starts.

 

Quit the self inflicted guilt trips and stop being nice to people that do not deserve it.

 

Above all - Keep yourself safe.

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites
PegNosePete
What is the etiquette when you want to date other people but you can’t break up with the person you dated for 4 months because they’re recovering in a mental hospital?

The "etiquette" is that if you want to begin a new relationship or date others, you must end your current one first. Otherwise you are cheating. No exceptions or excuses.

 

I would question your decision to stay in a relationship here. Staying with someone out of pity is not a good idea. You're going to end up being very unhappy if you carry it on. So you don't want to break up while he's in jail/hospital... when will you break up? As soon as he gets out? A month after? 6 months after? What time do you consider reasonable "grace time" to allow him after getting out to break up with him? What if he's in there for 6 more months? A year? 5 years..? And what if he never gets out? It will be much harder to break up a 3 year relationship than a 4 month one. He will be hurt more in the long run.

 

No, it's much better to break up with him now, while the relationship is very new. You didn't sign up for this. Leave it now before you're dragged in too deep. If you leave it, it will be much harder.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Nuh uh. I knew from reading the title of this thread that I was going to end up getting wound up. You can leave a relationship whenever you want, you are entitled to make these choices as it's YOUR life.

 

I have known many men who are "kind, and with sweet hearts", but for the love of all that is good in the world, sticking with this won't make you happy, and in the long run won't make him happy, you'll wind up miserable, resentful and bitter - and the longer you drag it out the worse it will get.

 

Yes he's going through a tough time, but as horrible as this sounds....it's not your issue. You have to live your life for YOU, look out for number One here. It's a horrible situation, but the sooner you do this, the sooner you can both move on.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

You have an absolute right to walk away from any relationship at any time.

 

Its a very basic human right.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly

End it with him. His mental illness, while unfortunate, is not your responsibility to care for. I imagine he would be much angrier if he found out you were pursuing another guy while still involved with him. He's not stable and it's going to make your life extremely difficult. Why is he in jail? For the assault? For your own well-being, you need to distance yourself from this man.

 

On another note, don't wait around for H to become single either. If he does, great. But he might not. Date others in the meantime. Try to find someone who has their life together and is totally single. You deserve someone who is in a mentally healthy place, whether or not this H man is available or not.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
lana-banana

Speaking as someone whose ex has been hopsitalized, END IT NOW. He is in the best, safest place he can be to process this news. What happens now is not your concern. Also please contact your friends and your local police department. The latter made me much safer and promised to look into any potential concerns.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
About 12 years ago, I used to work with this guy (M) in a retail store. I'd suggest we hang out, he'd blow me off. He was too busy hanging out with rock stars.

 

6 months ago, M messaged me on Facebook. He seemed down, so I asked him to go hiking. We went out a few times, and he seemed much less like the self-absorbed guy I used to know so we started dating. It mostly went ok, but every time I started to think I could maybe develop feelings for him, he'd do something to change my mind -- like forget that he'd said he'd come with me to a show on certain day or call me when I was already in bed at 2am because he'd taken the bus to the beach and had missed the last bus home and needed me to drive an hour to pick him up.

 

He's a sweet guy with a good heart, but he's irresponsible, and I had been questioning if I could develop feelings for him and if the relationship was worth continuing.

 

He has a mental illness which was managed by medication, but he didn't like the side effects. So 2 months ago he asked his doctor about changing medications. The new medication made him manic (I talked to him the first day he took it and we was like a totally different person) and he assaulted a family member.

 

So he's in jail, where they haven’t given him any meds. So his mental state is not good. He’ll be going into treatment until he's stabilized again, which will likely take at least 2-3 months. I've been going to visit him to let him know what's going on and ask him questions for his family because the rest of his family and close friends are out of state.

 

I don't see myself as having a relationship with M in the future, and by the time he's done with treatment, the time he's been in jail + treatment will be longer than we were dating beforehand.

 

I can be his friend and support him since he hasn’t got many friends in the area, but not a relationship.

 

To add a wrench, in July I saw a guy friend (H) who I met 3 years ago who lives in another country and see once a year. I had a crush on him since the second I met him, but I realized I’m madly in love with him. He’s still with his gf, but their relationship is not going well, and I realized I’d wait for him until the end of the f*cking world. I made the mistake of staying with my ex with I met H instead of pursuing him, and he ended up getting a gf. I’m not going to make the same mistake again if he's available. (I’ve mentioned him before http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/337087-when-relationship-meet-someone-else-out-blue and http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/487669-okay-let-taken-person-know-you-re-interested-if-they-were-single)

 

I feel bad that I know I’d rather be with someone else. And ordinarily I would just tell M. If he weren’t in jail, I would have already broken things off a month or two ago. But he’s in a terrible situation and is mentally unstable, so he doesn’t need any upsetting news. His family has made it clear that stressful or upsetting news can make his mental state worse when he’s not on meds.

 

Hypothetically if, for example, 3 months from now H were to break up with his gf and M were still not stable? Or what if I met someone else (not that’s likely to happen)? Would it be wrong to date someone else or is that reasonable?

 

What is the etiquette when you want to date other people but you can’t break up with the person you dated for 4 months because they’re recovering in a mental hospital?

 

Etiquette? There's no etiquette. You don't want to date him any more PERIOD. It's about you and your needs, not his mental status. You don't manage your needs around other people's mental health. Live your life until he's out of jail/hospital. If he contacts you after that, simply tell him you've moved on. Don't reach out to him at all.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
caringsister

You are in between a rock and a hard place, but imo to continue to let him think you are together is cruel and cowardice. Just as much as you have the right to walk away. He has the right to know where you two stand. If you are worried about how he'll take it then tell someone in his family and let them be there for him. Waiting will only do more harm then good.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

With heartfelt sincerity, thank you all for the concern. I really wasn't expecting that type of response. I’m so used to internet people finding reasons to tell me how awful of a person I am. It’s really a surprisingly refreshing change to have people concerned for me and saying that I care too much.

 

Of course, there’s plenty of time left for you all to decide I’m an awful person. ;)

 

I’d like to ask everyone to step back from domestic abuser/battered woman angle here. I have a very strong opinion about stigmatizing and unfairly labeling the mentally ill. He’s a person with a very serious medical condition who was following his doctor’s instructions, and those instructions caused him to have a negative reaction – and the doctor went on vacation and was unavailable for an entire week to deal with the health crisis and provided no emergency contacts. M is no more to at fault for his reaction to the medication than a person who goes into anaphylactic shock after being prescribed penicillin.

 

I sympathize with those who’ve had experience with abusive or codependent relationships, and appreciate your concern that I not get stuck in one. But I’m not in danger of that. I just don’t feel strongly enough for him that that would ever be an issue, and I'm very good (maybe too good) at establishing boundaries.

 

I don’t feel I owe him anything other than the common decency I’d owe to any friend or casual acquaintance. It’s not much of a burden. It’s just a short train trip once a week and talking to him for 30 minutes. I’m doing no more for him than I would any person I knew who needed help.

 

To answer some questions, yes he's in jail now for the assault. No one was seriously injured, but because it's a family member, the state has to press charges -- which will likely be dropped when he completes his treatment. He's been ordered to a hospital but can't go until there's an open spot. There's no way of knowing how long that will be. Could be days could be months. Once he's in, the psychiatrist estimates 2-3 months once he's back on meds to stabilize. He's off meds now because they didn't provide them at the jail.

 

I feel like most of the responses are of the opinion that M is a train wreck and this is just a normal cycle of ups and downs for him. Like he just stopped taking his medication or was never stable. But he was doing well, taking all the medications that he was prescribed, but he wanted to find a medication that didn’t make him feel as tired or have such a decreased sex drive. That’s a reasonable request, and he was working with his doctor and following his doctor’s instructions. M didn’t just choose to go off his meds.

 

He does not have a family nearby to support him right now, (except the one who was assaulted and has been helping with getting him legal help and advice from within the mental health community but isn’t up to direct communication). And jails are just not well equipped to handle mentally ill people. A jail’s primary purpose is punishment and getting offenders to take responsibility for their actions. They’re not staffed with people equipped to provide mental health assistance.

 

I appreciate the opinions of those who believe I should break up with him now while’s he’s in jail, but that is not going to happen. It’s not out of selfishness. I don’t benefit from not telling him. Bad news at the moment will not help him and can only make his situation worse. His illness means that he can’t rationally process things, and he’s not yet in a place where there are any family or doctors to help him.

 

He realizes there's the possibility that we won't be together. He's asked me if I am going to stay with him when he gets out, and I've told him that we'll deal with that at a later time. But I'm not going to burden him with knowing for certain that I don't want to be with him when he's alone in a jail with nothing but his own irrational and paranoid thoughts and only other inmates to talk to about it.

 

 

Speaking as someone whose ex has been hopsitalized, END IT NOW. He is in the best, safest place he can be to process this news.

 

Thank you for this. He's not in the hospital yet, but you make a very good point that the hospital would be the best place to be able to process the news. I will probably tell him once he’s there and back on meds.

 

If there’s a general social rule that it’s wrong to get involved with someone else without formally telling the person you were involved with no matter what the circumstances, then I’ll wait to get involved with anyone else until after the appropriate time to tell him. Waiting does me no harm.

 

On another note, don't wait around for H to become single either. If he does, great. But he might not. Date others in the meantime. Try to find someone who has their life together and is totally single. You deserve someone who is in a mentally healthy place, whether or not this H man is available or not.

 

My criteria is pickier than having their life together and single. :laugh: I’m not really a person who dates for the sake of dating. I’d rather spend time doing things I enjoy than wasting a lot of effort looking for a guy. But sure if I meet someone that I think is so gorgeous I never want to take my eyes off him, has a lot in common with me, understands my dorky references, makes me happy just by saying hi or being around, and inspires me to do positive things in my life that I otherwise wouldn’t do, I’d totally be willing to go on a date with him. :)

 

Short of that, as long as I feel that way about H, it would really be unfair to anyone else to date them when I know I’d drop them for H in a second. And I don’t want to be here in 6 months asking how to dump somebody because the guy I really have feelings for is now single.

Edited by McGuffin
Link to post
Share on other sites

MsGuffin,

 

It's time for some tough love here :)

 

Can't end it because of his mental state.

 

from where I'm sitting you don't have a relationship. He's ended it by choosing to abandon you and being unavailable to you from the foreseeable future. As far as I'm concerned every person in jail is a volunteer. :rolleyes:

 

Please get yourself into some therapy/counselling to understand why you would want to become involved with someone who is unavailable/irresponsible.

 

Let the medics manage his mental illness while you get on with your life without him.

 

Good luck. x

Link to post
Share on other sites

If he is that unstable from changing medications then things are going to continue to get worse before they get better. Why? Because like you said he is currently in jail and the medical health options there simply aren't sufficient to deal with mental health problems. Therefore even once he starts receiving medication, odds are that he will need them to be altered, doses changed , monitored, etc before he's able to be the guy you originally met. Even then he'll be different. Also there's the chance that he isn't able to find a medication that treats all of his mental issues without having other side effects on his body, mind, or life. You've seen this already.

 

I cannot see why you're adamant about postponing the break up with him while he's in jail simply because he's not on med now and doesn't need any more bad news. You're not his mother, you don't need to protect him from the realities of the world. I guarantee you that if you wait longer and longer or until he gets out that he will react with "If you didn't want to be with me anymore then why the hell did you stay with me and visit while I was in jail?!" Think about the mental state he'll be in once he gets out... Happy to be free and back with you and then you spring on him "ohh noo sorry Hun I'm breaking up with you"

 

That's going to be a emotional roller coaster for him. Meanwhile he is in jail now in an environment where he has to control his behavior because there are consequences and punishment if he doesn't. He will be able to process it and think, get past the upset, angry, depressed stage. Actually he will be forced to get over/come to terms with it. Treat it like a bandaid. Rip it off quickly rather than prolong the inevitable. If you need to be concerned with his mental state and reaction to a break up then trust me it's only going to get harder and harder. And spare yourself the trips to jail. I don't know any woman that looks forward to visiting someone in jail if they don't like them or date them. Why do you? Do you have a solid group of friends? What are their views about this?

 

And don't bank on your crush being single anytime soon. You'll just be disappointed when he doesn't split up with his gf. I think you have pretty questionable choices in men. Might want to look deeper into that.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly

OP, I'm confused as to why you posted here, with all respect to you. You asked for advice about how to proceed, but then you're adamant about staying with this man while he's in jail anyway. From my perspective, it sounds like you've already made up your mind anyway. I think this is going to end badly for you, unfortunately. I'm not sure who you feel you are protecting by staying with a man when you don't want to. I just don't see the benefit in leading him on like that.

 

If H became single tomorrow, would you then break up with this other man even though he's still incarcerated? Or would you tell him you need to wait until the first guy is no longer in jail and more stable? It should be the latter of the two options, based on your position. Is that correct?

 

EDIT: I read your previous thread. If I understand correctly, you've been having doubts about your boyfriend since 2012? Girl. This has gone on long enough. I don't think he's all that in love with you anyway, based on your description of how he treated you. As for H...have you had any recent indication that he is considering ending his relationship to be with you? How do you know it's not going well? (PS: this rarely ever is the entire picture, even coming straight from the "unhappy" party's mouth)

Edited by ExpatInItaly
  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Here you have a guy that was never really into you, but who got mentally ill and used you as a crutch for a while.

He went rapidly downhill mentally over some medication change? or perhaps just a worsening of his condition, and ended up assaulting someone and is now in jail.

You appear to have turned into Mother Theresa and want to stand by him, only you don't really.

YOUR plan is to dump him for some foreign guy with a great voice, who you have idolised for the last 3 years... but he has a gf and he may not even want to be in a relationship with you, even if he was free.

 

This is all pretty messed up thinking here.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

EDIT: I read your previous thread. If I understand correctly, you've been having doubts about your boyfriend since 2012? Girl. This has gone on long enough. I don't think he's all that in love with you anyway, based on your description of how he treated you. As for H...have you had any recent indication that he is considering ending his relationship to be with you? How do you know it's not going well? (PS: this rarely ever is the entire picture, even coming straight from the "unhappy" party's mouth)

 

I guessed that was a different bf as she says, they have only been seeing each other gf/bf for 6 months

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly
I guessed that was a different bf as she says, they have only been seeing each other gf/bf for 6 months

 

Ah, ok. I may not have read closely enough to put the timeline together. My bad, OP.

 

But in any case, my thoughts about the whole situation still stand. Staying with this guy is doing nobody any favours. And waiting and hoping that the other man becomes single is a time-waster.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

When he asked if you'd be with him when he is released, you should have said "as a friend"! If you don't want to break it off completely right now you need to at least distance yourself and start moving into the friend zone and make it obvious.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
MsGuffin,

 

It's time for some tough love here :)

 

 

 

from where I'm sitting you don't have a relationship. He's ended it by choosing to abandon you and being unavailable to you from the foreseeable future. As far as I'm concerned every person in jail is a volunteer. :rolleyes:

 

Please get yourself into some therapy/counselling to understand why you would want to become involved with someone who is unavailable/irresponsible.

 

Let the medics manage his mental illness while you get on with your life without him.

 

Good luck. x

 

Time for some tough love back. That's incredibly cold and heartless and a naive perspective of the criminal justice system. He no more chose to be where he is than any other person with any other illness chooses to be in a hospital for a negative reaction to the medication that they were prescribed. I'm sorry that you don't have sympathy for those with mental illness and believe that when a doctor gives you medication that alters your brain chemistry which changes who you are that that is a choice.

 

But to you he's no different than other other person who consciously made a choice to commit a crime. This type of opinion illustrates the difficulties that those with mental illness face.

 

There are no medics in a jail to manage a person's mental illness. The most they do is put the person in padded room that's too cold and send someone to check on them every once in awhile and once a day or so have someone ask them if they feel like going back to the regular dorms.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
OP, I'm confused as to why you posted here, with all respect to you. You asked for advice about how to proceed

 

I never asked whether I should break up with him while he's in jail. That was never in question or open to change. I apologize if I gave anyone the impression that it was.

 

My question was whether in this situation I should wait until after breaking up with him to date anyone else. I think only one person answered that question.

 

I found that in what lana-banana said about the hospital being the right time/place helpful and another poster who said that you absolutely don't get involved with someone else until you've formally ended a relationship ship with someone. That is what I intend to do.

 

Please don't take it personally that I don't agree with your particular opinion. I do appreciate the feedback, but I can't agree with everyone.

 

I've made the decision and anyone is welcome to continue to disagree and convince me otherwise if they please, but at this point, I've now decided the best course.

 

If H became single tomorrow, would you then break up with this other man even though he's still incarcerated?

 

No. I will not break up with him while he's in jail. He is sick. He doesn't have the mental capacity to deal with stress right now. He was sent to the suicide watch because he didn't get his meal packet once. I don't think he was really suicidal or that he would be if I broke up with him. But I know he was miserable on that floor and couldn't sleep there. (I haven't mentioned that because I feel like people are using things that he does while he's ill as a reason to trash him, but he has an illness and that behavior is a result of the illness being untreated at the moment -- which is not within his control. He doesn't have the option of receiving treatment right now. So please do not criticize his behavior while he's off medication not of his own choice.)

 

Or would you tell him you need to wait until the first guy is no longer in jail and more stable?

 

Based on the feedback I've gotten in this thread, yes.

 

EDIT: I read your previous thread. If I understand correctly, you've been having doubts about your boyfriend since 2012? Girl. This has gone on long enough. I don't think he's all that in love with you anyway, based on your description of how he treated you. As for H...have you had any recent indication that he is considering ending his relationship to be with you? How do you know it's not going well? (PS: this rarely ever is the entire picture, even coming straight from the "unhappy" party's mouth)

 

That's an entirely different person that thread was about. I very clearly said in this thread's OP that I had only been dating this guy for 4 months.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

You appear to have turned into Mother Theresa and want to stand by him, only you don't really.

 

Holy, goat f*ck! Since when do you have to be Mother Teresa (who was not a good person btw) to have basic human decency.

 

I had a friend (only friend. not boyfriend) once in hospital because he got too drunk and fell and ended up with head trauma. I was the only one to visit him for several days because his family wasn't in the area. And I made a several hour drive twice a month to check on him.

 

Some of the time he was rehabilitating, the brain damage caused him to think I was his gf. I didn't correct him because what would have been the point? Why would I cause him pain when he was in a deteriorated mental state?

 

I don't regret for a second how I handled that situation, and both he and his family have expressed gratitude for how I helped him.

 

It was my friend's fault that he drank too much and got hurt. Should I have never visited him and left him to the care of the hospital because ya know - they got that brain damage sh*t covered and because it was his own fault I didn't owe him anything?

 

I'm sorry if other people don't have it in their hearts to support other people when they're down and think because I do I must have something wrong with me. But I treat people how I would want to be treated in the same situation. And this is how I hope that I would be treated. I don't expect that I would, because I don't have a lot of faith in other people, but I still hope for that.

 

YOUR plan is to dump him for some foreign guy with a great voice, who you have idolised for the last 3 years... but he has a gf and he may not even want to be in a relationship with you, even if he was free.

 

Yep. He might not. And that would be fine.

 

But to clarify, I've gotten to know him pretty well over 3 years.

 

This is all pretty messed up thinking here.

 

This is exactly my sentiments about a lot of what I've read just now.

Edited by McGuffin
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
When he asked if you'd be with him when he is released, you should have said "as a friend"! If you don't want to break it off completely right now you need to at least distance yourself and start moving into the friend zone and make it obvious.

 

Yeah, you're right that might have been a better answer. I didn't have anything prepared and wasn't expecting the question. I agree with you. That's basically what I was trying to do when I said on the spot that we'd discuss that later. I didn't want to tell him that I was going to be with him when I know that I'm not.

 

Honestly though, I'm not even sure how much of what I say he understands right now.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

This man didn't want you when he was well. He blew you off time and time again.

 

Here you have a guy that was never really into you, but who got mentally ill and used you as a crutch for a while.

 

Was just thinking about these comments and feel compelled to say that I was being flippant with the "blew me off" comment which painted an unfair picture of him. It wasn't consciously intentional, but I may have put negative spin on him to make myself look better because of the general guilty feelings for wanting to date someone else when I still have a boyfriend. (Feel free to get pissed at me for any of those things.)

 

Him blowing me off was basically my take on it 12 years ago based on what other 20 something year old guys told me about him. "You blew me off to hang out with rock stars" is what I've said in the past to tease him.

 

That flippant comment was entirely from my (at the time) 20 something year old perspective. And yes I have sometimes felt insecure that he only wanted me now because he was down but didn't when he was at what seemed to me like the top of the world. But knowing him now and knowing how little I knew about him 12 years ago, that's just not true, and it's simply an insecurity.

 

Before we started dating, I did ask him about why he never hung out with me the couple times I asked. I joked "You don't have to answer. Our old coworker Joe told me you said I wasn't your type." He was genuinely surprised and answered, "What? I never said that!"

 

At the time, he was getting over a breakup with his high school sweetheart, and was (fairly pathetically based on his stories :laugh:) focused on getting her back because he thought then that she was his one true love. He was also busy working two jobs, which I never knew at the time. All the hanging out with the rock stars I heard about was because he was working for them.

 

I don't know that it will change many opinions of him. It's okay if it doesn't change anyone's. If you like, interpret it as me trying to justify my choices and/or make excuses for him. That wouldn't be correct, but I can't stop anyone from having an opinion. ;) But I felt the need to clarify because I don't feel it's fair to him to only have the perspective in the OP.

 

He is a sweet, good person. He's not a person I could fall in love with. But he's a person I will be friends with and support right now when's he's most in need of it.

Edited by McGuffin
Link to post
Share on other sites

McGuffin,

 

The new medication made him manic (I talked to him the first day he took it and we was like a totally different person) and he assaulted a family member.

 

So he's in jail, where they haven’t given him any meds. So his mental state is not good. He’ll be going into treatment until he's stabilized again, which will likely take at least 2-3 months.

 

I call BS on this, and yes I do have experience of working with those with mental illness and the Criminal Justice System.

 

No-one with mental health problems gets sent to prison without an evaluation of their mental state.

If they are deemed to have capacity then they serve their sentence in prison.

If they are deemed not to have capacity, then they will be sent to a secure Mental Health Unit.

 

I am assuming that your guy has schizophrenia? Bear in mind that these people can be very manipulative and I strongly suspect you are not being given the whole story here.:rolleyes:

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
McGuffin,

I call BS on this, and yes I do have experience of working with those with mental illness and the Criminal Justice System.

 

No-one with mental health problems gets sent to prison without an evaluation of their mental state.

If they are deemed to have capacity then they serve their sentence in prison.

If they are deemed not to have capacity, then they will be sent to a secure Mental Health Unit.

 

I am assuming that your guy has schizophrenia? Bear in mind that these people can be very manipulative and I strongly suspect you are not being given the whole story here.:rolleyes:

 

I've been given the story by his family not him. Do you think they're manipulative too?

 

No one has been talking about prison, so if you have so much experience with this, why do you not seem to know that we're talking about jail and the two are not the same thing?

 

Edit: Also, speaking of calling BS. I just looked at your profile. You're in England. So how do you have experience with the American criminal justice system? Or did you just assume I live where you live or that laws in both countries are the same? The laws and how the mentally ill are dealt with in the system aren't even the same from state to state in this country. So how does your experience in another country qualify you to tell me that you know what's going on here? If you really had experience in this area, you'd know that the way these things are handled are vastly different from one country to another.

Edited by McGuffin
Link to post
Share on other sites

McGuffin,

Yes, I am in UK.

 

No, I don't know much about the USA system but I can't see why it should be any different in essence to UK where prisoners have a certain amount of rights and where there are guidelines about the treatment of prisoners with mental illness.

 

In Uk prisoners with Mental Health Issues can be transferred to Secure Mental Health Units

 

http://www.rethink.org/living-with-mental-illness/police-courts-prison/section-48-49-transfer-of-a-prisoner-on-remand-to-hospital

 

And does your man have Schizophrenia? Maybe he's telling a fairy story to his family?

Edited by Arieswoman
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...