Lovelorn00 Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 We are closing in on the 2-month mark. He still has his OkCupid profile up and logs in multiple times a day, and it crushes me every time I see it. We talk daily and see each other multiple times a week. No exclusivity talk yet, but I'm clearly just an option to him. I'm starting to suspect that I will never be enough, and it makes me incredibly sad. I know this is a common issue when it comes to dating online, but dang. It sucks. Link to post Share on other sites
dudek Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 I know how you feel but your best bet is to actually have the exclusive talk with him. My last relationship I was in I still had my OkCupid account until we talked about it. I'm on it out of habit throughout the day when I'm bored so he might just be used to being on it. 2 months dating isn't too far out of the timeframe to start a conversation about it i'd say. Go over what you guys are both looking for 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Candygirljane Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 Just tell him what you want him to do, he is not a mind reader. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 I think it's time to have a chat. Does he know you want to be exclusive? I don't know the ins-and-outs of OKC, but I wager you are also still logging in if you can see his activity. How else would you know he logs in multiple times a day? Is it possible he's seen you logging in and figures you are not so serious about him? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
regine_phalange Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 He's searching for someone else and keeps you hanging in the meanwhile.His actions speak louder than any words he'll say if you have an exclusivity discussion. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
fitnessfan365 Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 I think it's time to have a chat. Does he know you want to be exclusive? I don't know the ins-and-outs of OKC, but I wager you are also still logging in if you can see his activity. How else would you know he logs in multiple times a day? Is it possible he's seen you logging in and figures you are not so serious about him? It's funny because I was thinking the exact same thing! Imagine if he is logging in multiple times a day to see what she's doing. Then because she's online all the time checking on him, he thinks she's talking to other guys as well. Vicious cycle. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
rocketman122 Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 every woman I dated has gone in and "checked" to see if I was active. I see it later on after I decide not to continue. so their excuse was I wanted to see if youre still online while we were together. to me it goes both ways. he could say he was online to see if youre active. have a discussion and tell him. see what he says. if he wants something serious then say, ok, lets both remove our profiles completely. otherwise move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 Guys do this too. Personally I would talk to him and tell him that I plan to walk. Do it in an unemotional way and mean it. After 2 months I also would not be logging on or even remembering I have an on line account! He should be the same. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 Guys do this too. Personally I would talk to him and tell him that I plan to walk. Do it in an unemotional way and mean it. After 2 months I also would not be logging on or even remembering I have an on line account! He should be the same. Yeah what are you guys doing? I think i deleted my profile after 2-3 dates because I couldn't care less what my other options were.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
joseb Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 How do you know he logs on every day ? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 How do you know he logs on every day ? Exactly. You must be logged in too. Maybe he is thinking exactly the same thing about you. I'm not sure how the OKC mobile app works, but the POF one says you're online whenever you have wifi connection, whether you're using it or not. So for example, when you drive home from work it looks like you've logged off and when you arrive home it looks like you've logged on again. All without even taking the phone out of your pocket. Stop making assumptions from his online activity and talk to him. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Amalyn Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 Every time I see people say this about online dating, I laugh. You have to be logged and online to see that he is. He very well might be thinking the same thing about you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 Have a talk about exclusivity. Then have a talk about deleting both of your profiles. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovelorn00 Posted August 5, 2015 Author Share Posted August 5, 2015 I know how you feel but your best bet is to actually have the exclusive talk with him. My last relationship I was in I still had my OkCupid account until we talked about it. I'm on it out of habit throughout the day when I'm bored so he might just be used to being on it. 2 months dating isn't too far out of the timeframe to start a conversation about it i'd say. Go over what you guys are both looking for Good point, and I’ve heard this opinion from a few of my friends. I’m hoping that’s the case, but having “the talk” is terrifying to me, because I’ve always been taught that it’s the best way to scare a guy off. I’ve never been one to initiate that exclusivity talk – I always let the guy bring it up, and that’s why it’s driving me crazy just sitting by and watching and waiting for him to make a decision. Dating shouldn’t be this hard. Haha Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 It is the best way to scare a guy off if he's not all that interested in you. If he is into you then he won't be scared off. Afterwards you either have an exclusive relationship or you've got rid of an uninterested guy. Win-win. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 Good point, and I’ve heard this opinion from a few of my friends. I’m hoping that’s the case, but having “the talk” is terrifying to me, because I’ve always been taught that it’s the best way to scare a guy off. I’ve never been one to initiate that exclusivity talk – I always let the guy bring it up, and that’s why it’s driving me crazy just sitting by and watching and waiting for him to make a decision. Dating shouldn’t be this hard. Haha Don't be afraid to have the talk. If he's "scared off" by it, he isn't the guy for you. The guy who is really truly for you will be happy to be exclusive. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovelorn00 Posted August 5, 2015 Author Share Posted August 5, 2015 Every time I see people say this about online dating, I laugh. You have to be logged and online to see that he is. He very well might be thinking the same thing about you. I see a bunch of folks have asked this question. The assumption is that I must be logged into the site in order to see if he’s been online, but that’s actually not the case here. As creepy/stalker-ish as it sounds, I can pull his profile up via a Google search online without me even being a member of the site. His “last online” information shows on his summary page, which is viewable by the public. So, no, you don't have to be logged in order to view someone's profile, at least not on OkCupid. I'm not sure about the other sites, as I've never used them. I will say this, though – I’ve recently reactivated my profile, and the only reason I did it was because if he’s keeping his options open, I should do the same (even though I really don’t want to). I figured it was the healthy thing to do. All that to say, I’ve verified that the “last online” info is the same whether I’m logged in or not. I've tested with my own profile as well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 I figured it was the healthy thing to do. No, the "healthy" and mature thing to do is to have an open and honest conversation with him about it. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 I will say what I usually say. Make a fake profile and go talk to him. You will know what his real intentions are. I did the 'right thing' a couple of times before. I saw the guy was still online so I had a 'conversation' about it with him. I always had the same result. Oh honey I do nothing bad on there blahblahblah. When I said you need to delete it to continue with me he would but then he'd make a new one without pictures. Trust me. If he's on there it's because you have not captured his imagination. He's up to no good. If he's bored he can log on a forum, no need to be on a dating site advertizing himself as being single. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovelorn00 Posted August 5, 2015 Author Share Posted August 5, 2015 I think it's time to have a chat. Does he know you want to be exclusive? I don't know the ins-and-outs of OKC, but I wager you are also still logging in if you can see his activity. How else would you know he logs in multiple times a day? Is it possible he's seen you logging in and figures you are not so serious about him? He likely does know, as I’ve listed on my profile that the only thing I’m really looking for is a monogamous, long-term relationship. We haven’t actually chatted about it face-to-face (and, you’re right, that might be the problem), but I don’t see how he couldn’t know that I’m dating for exclusivity. It’s possible that he could be thinking the same thing, especially since I recently reactivated my profile in order to keep my options open as well. But this was happening the whole time my profile was inactive (and hidden from search), so I’m not sure if that’s the case. When my profile was inactive, I could view his profile without logging in at all. It’s viewable by anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovelorn00 Posted August 5, 2015 Author Share Posted August 5, 2015 He's searching for someone else and keeps you hanging in the meanwhile.His actions speak louder than any words he'll say if you have an exclusivity discussion. Yeah, that’s kinda what it seems like. Unfortunately. Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 He likely does know, as I’ve listed on my profile that the only thing I’m really looking for is a monogamous, long-term relationship. We haven’t actually chatted about it face-to-face (and, you’re right, that might be the problem), but I don’t see how he couldn’t know that I’m dating for exclusivity. It’s possible that he could be thinking the same thing, especially since I recently reactivated my profile in order to keep my options open as well. But this was happening the whole time my profile was inactive (and hidden from search), so I’m not sure if that’s the case. When my profile was inactive, I could view his profile without logging in at all. It’s viewable by anyone. Most guys don't read your profile. Of the 100's of guys over a 1 year period that contacted me, they did it based on the pictures alone. They'd ask me the stupidest questions that they would have clearly known had they taken 2 minutes to actually skim the detail in my profile. Being fair to him, some people don't hide their profiles and put all their eggs in one single basket the minute they start dating someone they met online. I was like that. I don't like to presume anything and I'm not going to put all my energies into one person until I know it's worth my time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovelorn00 Posted August 5, 2015 Author Share Posted August 5, 2015 No, the "healthy" and mature thing to do is to have an open and honest conversation with him about it. PegNosePete – Your advice just makes TOO much sense! Haha Yeah, you’re right. I meant “healthy” as in “smart” thing to do. Ya know – multi-date so that I don’t become too invested in one person. It clearly isn’t working, though. Haha We’re meeting up tonight. I’m going to try to get up the nerve to talk to him about it then. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 As creepy/stalker-ish as it sounds, I can pull his profile up via a Google search online without me even being a member of the site. His “last online” information shows on his summary page, which is viewable by the public. So, no, you don't have to be logged in order to view someone's profile, at least not on OkCupid. I'm not sure about the other sites, as I've never used them. there is a feature in the account settings that tells OKC to not make your profile available on search engine searches. Mine is set to not share my info on search engines. This is how I find out who the catfish are--because they're too stupid to turn that off. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovelorn00 Posted August 5, 2015 Author Share Posted August 5, 2015 I will say what I usually say. Make a fake profile and go talk to him. You will know what his real intentions are. I did the 'right thing' a couple of times before. I saw the guy was still online so I had a 'conversation' about it with him. I always had the same result. Oh honey I do nothing bad on there blahblahblah. When I said you need to delete it to continue with me he would but then he'd make a new one without pictures. Trust me. If he's on there it's because you have not captured his imagination. He's up to no good. If he's bored he can log on a forum, no need to be on a dating site advertizing himself as being single. Whoa, Gaeta! Preach it! Haha! That’s kinda how I feel. There are a billion things one could do when they’re bored that doesn’t involve perusing a dating site. Now, I will say this - it can get extremely addictive. When I had the app on my phone, I was indeed checking it out of habit, because so many messages were coming in. It was a bit of an ego stroking thing, and it made me feel good. Thus, I kept repeating the behavior without even thinking about it. So there is that. But yeah, now that I’m interested in someone, I really don’t have the energy or interest to log back on. I was hoping he’d feel the same way at this point, but I guess he’s still looking to “trade up” as they say. If he was actually that into me, this wouldn’t even be an issue, in my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
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