azzurri82 Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Hi Guys, I have a rather unusual issue, and I'm looking for a bit of advice as to whether I should broach it with my girlfriend? I met my girlfriend in April 2014, at the time I was 31, and she 29. She had just moved to the city I have lived in for the last 8 years, 3 months previously, and she only has/had one friend here. When we started dating, it was pretty obvious we liked one another a lot, and things were going to get serious. Every aspect of our day-to-day relationship is fantastic, she moved in with me a few months ago, and I really have no cause to complain. Anyway, what at first seemed to be a relatively minor niggle, and would've been silly to bring up in the early stages of the relationship, has now become a bit of an issue for me, and I'm confused as to why. She hasn't done anything 'wrong', it just an issue that grates on me. She never seems to talk about her life from before we met, and it kind of freaks me out. In every other way, she's chatty and likes to talk about her life, future goals, her work etc. It's just like nothing existed before we got together. I think it bothers me because I've spilled every aspect of my life before I met her, things I've done (both good and bad, things that don't necessarily cover me in glory!), holidays, friends and ex-girlfriends, delved into every detail in order that she can understand the man I was, and how I became the man I am today. I believe that all of our experiences up until the moment I met her are what made us who we are, both good, bad and otherwise. These are all things that people say to a potential partner in order to give them some sort of idea of who that person was, and how they became that person today. The most bizarre thing is, she talks more about her best friend's life/history more than she does her own! I know the girl that I’m with, and I love this person. What I don’t know, is how she became to be that person. I don’t know her life story, and I don’t know why it bothers me, but it does. I’m trying to ‘screen’ her as a potential life partner, but because she never volunteers anything, I’m left feeling weird. I've tried to broach the subject by asking direct questions on certain things like University, friends & exes (this is a big part of it for me), holidays etc., but she'll just give short answers and that's that. I feel like a bit of a creep for wanting to ask more, but she just doesn't seem to want to volunteer information. She will talk openly about her childhood and her parents, but anything from 17-29 just doesn't seem to exist. I’m completely aware, and respect, that her life before she met me was her own. But I just feel like I've been open with her, and have given her ample opportunity to open up to me, but I'm not sure if she just doesn't want to, or doesn't understand? This niggled me at the beginning, so little that it didn't bear thinking about, and seemed churlish to mention at the time, but as I've grown closer to her and feel like I could spend the rest of my life with her, my overall anxiety over this has become worse. Am I an idiot for feeling like this, should I just let it slide? Link to post Share on other sites
Author azzurri82 Posted August 4, 2015 Author Share Posted August 4, 2015 Is this topic maybe in the wrong section? Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 If there's anything she wants to share with you she'll share it. Until then, mind your own business. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 You've already taken quite a big step by moving in together. I don't think explaining your curiosity about her past is out of line - in fact, I would've done so before moving in. You should be able to open up the lines of communication a bit more. Some people - including myself - just naturally aren't as open as you. I tend to be more reserved, but open up slowly over time. I don't hide anything, my life hasn't been all that scandalous. I am happy to answer questions too. My current man knows my life story. But I don't go into great detail about previous relationships, and it sounds like that's where you concern lies. She might not be all that comfortable talking about them, especially if they were painful in some way. I have had a couple traumatic experiences in past relationships that I don't love talking about, though I have given my boyfriend the general picture of what happened. Some of us just find it more difficult to talk about previous loves. She might not also care to hear all about yours either. Having a filter can be healthy, too. Now, having said that, if you feel she's being evasive and deliberately keeping things from you, you need to talk to her honestly and explain why this concerns you. Be specific about the questions you have for her. Let her talk openly. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author azzurri82 Posted August 4, 2015 Author Share Posted August 4, 2015 If there's anything she wants to share with you she'll share it. Until then, mind your own business. Is this seriously how you expect people in long-term relationships are supposed to operate? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Her Bridges Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 I may be projecting but she may have a situation in that time frame that she's uncomfortable with and is afraid that you'll view her differently for. I've done the same, as discussion of certain years brings up bad memories, so I generally don't discuss those years or memories at all unless prodded. Not saying this is for fact what is going on. 17-29 is a pretty turbulent time anyways, she may want to keep you focused on who she is now because she is afraid of those past years. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author azzurri82 Posted August 4, 2015 Author Share Posted August 4, 2015 You've already taken quite a big step by moving in together. I don't think explaining your curiosity about her past is out of line - in fact, I would've done so before moving in. You should be able to open up the lines of communication a bit more. Some people - including myself - just naturally aren't as open as you. I tend to be more reserved, but open up slowly over time. I don't hide anything, my life hasn't been all that scandalous. I am happy to answer questions too. My current man knows my life story. But I don't go into great detail about previous relationships, and it sounds like that's where you concern lies. She might not be all that comfortable talking about them, especially if they were painful in some way. I have had a couple traumatic experiences in past relationships that I don't love talking about, though I have given my boyfriend the general picture of what happened. Some of us just find it more difficult to talk about previous loves. She might not also care to hear all about yours either. Having a filter can be healthy, too. Now, having said that, if you feel she's being evasive and deliberately keeping things from you, you need to talk to her honestly and explain why this concerns you. Be specific about the questions you have for her. Let her talk openly. I'm not sure I could've given her more of an opportunity to speak, but I'm not even sure she knows she's doing it. I certainly don't want to open up any old wounds, or upset her greatly. She is certainly interested in details of my past life, whenever the topic arises, and asks many questions, which I'm happy to answer. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Has it crossed your mind that maybe she has no history to share? Maybe from 17 to 29 it's just a boring 10 years of nothing special? Not every body experiment or go from heartbreak to heartbreak or bed to bed. She just has nothing interesting to share with you, that's all. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author azzurri82 Posted August 4, 2015 Author Share Posted August 4, 2015 Has it crossed your mind that maybe she has no history to share? Maybe from 17 to 29 it's just a boring 10 years of nothing special? Not every body experiment or go from heartbreak to heartbreak or bed to bed. She just has nothing interesting to share with you, that's all. Of course this has crossed my mind, but it doesn't necessarily need to be "I joined the circus trapeze at 19, joined a band at 21, hiked Everest at 23 etc. etc." I'm just interested in the day-to-day stuff, the stuff that most people do/have done between those ages. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
deadelvis Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Be careful what you wish for. There's a reason she's been secretive about her life. Why do you honestly think she hasn't told you much about the years from 17-29? Don't fool yourself. Those were the years she was sexually active, and she's very aware that you are "screening her" as a long term partner. Do you really want to know the truth? She's being secretive because she doesn't want to get into a situation where she has to lie. She's not telling you anything from that time in her life because one simple story can open up a whole can of worms... As her story begins to trickle out I can assure you it won't be easy for you to hear. If you really want to know the truth about her life, be prepared for the worst. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Of course this has crossed my mind, but it doesn't necessarily need to be "I joined the circus trapeze at 19, joined a band at 21, hiked Everest at 23 etc. etc." I'm just interested in the day-to-day stuff, the stuff that most people do/have done between those ages. Surely you asked her when her last relationship ended? how long it was, why it ended, how many serious relationship she had etc? Link to post Share on other sites
Clarence_Boddicker Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 A lot of insecure guys would love a girl like that. Maybe you're a controlling, manipulative or jealous guy & can't stand not having "dirt" on her that you can use. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Of course this has crossed my mind, but it doesn't necessarily need to be "I joined the circus trapeze at 19, joined a band at 21, hiked Everest at 23 etc. etc." I'm just interested in the day-to-day stuff, the stuff that most people do/have done between those ages. And maybe that day-to-day was really dull and boring and lifeless and that's why she moved to your country? Instead of asking her questions about her past, talk to her about why she doesn't want to talk about it. That will give you your answers. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
deadelvis Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 And maybe that day-to-day was really dull and boring and lifeless and that's why she moved to your country? Instead of asking her questions about her past, talk to her about why she doesn't want to talk about it. That will give you your answers. I highly doubt her life from 17-29 was dull, boring and lifeless... C'mon people. Use some common sense. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveRefreshed Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 I think Satu has a point in the fact that she will open up when she is ready. As some mentioned, maybe she doesn't like who she was then or maybe she had a traumatic experience that she is not wanting to talk about. Maybe the worst of fears are true and she was a major slut, but is that really a fear? For me the past is the past, and you see how she is now, so whatever happened in the past pushed her to be who she is as you said.. so in a way, she, as her current self is a window to her past. I don't think you're out of line to just mention to her that she seems like she holds back from telling you her past. Maybe she was one of those girls who had a bf, studied hard, watched tv or did some hobby that she was happy with that. Doesn't make for the most exciting stories.. like so this one time, in college, I was in a crochet club. Maybe she's a Russian spy (my wet dream for sure). Don't push her, but I think you're fair to ask her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author azzurri82 Posted August 4, 2015 Author Share Posted August 4, 2015 And maybe that day-to-day was really dull and boring and lifeless and that's why she moved to your country? Instead of asking her questions about her past, talk to her about why she doesn't want to talk about it. That will give you your answers. That's really great advice, thanks. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author azzurri82 Posted August 4, 2015 Author Share Posted August 4, 2015 Surely you asked her when her last relationship ended? how long it was, why it ended, how many serious relationship she had etc? Not really, I just suspected she didn't want to talk about it. All she told me was it was 8 months long and he decided to end it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author azzurri82 Posted August 4, 2015 Author Share Posted August 4, 2015 Be careful what you wish for. There's a reason she's been secretive about her life. Why do you honestly think she hasn't told you much about the years from 17-29? Don't fool yourself. Those were the years she was sexually active, and she's very aware that you are "screening her" as a long term partner. Do you really want to know the truth? She's being secretive because she doesn't want to get into a situation where she has to lie. She's not telling you anything from that time in her life because one simple story can open up a whole can of worms... As her story begins to trickle out I can assure you it won't be easy for you to hear. If you really want to know the truth about her life, be prepared for the worst. Are you for real? I've read your thread, and I genuinely don't think the situation/s are comparable. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author azzurri82 Posted August 4, 2015 Author Share Posted August 4, 2015 A lot of insecure guys would love a girl like that. Maybe you're a controlling, manipulative or jealous guy & can't stand not having "dirt" on her that you can use. Ouch. Maybe, I never thought about it like that. Thanks for the brutal honesty. I'd probably suggest of the above, given my past relationship experience/s, I'm more likely to be insecure than controlling or manipulative. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Not really, I just suspected she didn't want to talk about it. All she told me was it was 8 months long and he decided to end it. Those are normal questions you ask a potential girlfriend right from the beginning. If she only mentioned an 8 month relationship I suspect she has nothing much to share with you. She is maybe embarrassed at her lack of experience. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Is this seriously how you expect people in long-term relationships are supposed to operate? Yes, absolutely. If someone wants to tell I'll probably listen, but I won't ask. Each and every person has the right to decide what they wish to share, and what they wish to keep private. In fact, it's a fundamental human right. Do you have some special status, that grants you the right to decide whether someone should have that right or not? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
deadelvis Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 After having been with her as long as you have... you probably already know the answer. Does she seem like the type of girl who had a very dull and boring life from 17-29? Or does she seem like the type of girl who went crazy for 10 years and doesn't feel comfortable telling you the graphic details of her sexual history. You already know the answer. If the answer is the latter, how much do you really want to know. If she tells you she had sex with 50+ men, worked as an escort and had lots of ONS, 3ways etc. how is that going to affect your life and relationship. Think about things deeply before you start digging around in that graveyard. All you're going to find is skeletons. Link to post Share on other sites
Author azzurri82 Posted August 4, 2015 Author Share Posted August 4, 2015 Those are normal questions you ask a potential girlfriend right from the beginning. If she only mentioned an 8 month relationship I suspect she has nothing much to share with you. She is maybe embarrassed at her lack of experience. Well that's what I mean, when you're dating you don't want to delve too deeply in case you tread on someone's toes, or ask something that might offend. I didn't really ask, because I thought she'd tell me this sort of stuff when she was ready. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 After having been with her as long as you have... you probably already know the answer. Does she seem like the type of girl who had a very dull and boring life from 17-29? Or does she seem like the type of girl who went crazy for 10 years and doesn't feel comfortable telling you the graphic details of her sexual history. You already know the answer. If the answer is the latter, how much do you really want to know. If she tells you she had sex with 50+ men, worked as an escort and had lots of ONS, 3ways etc. how is that going to affect your life and relationship. Think about things deeply before you start digging around in that graveyard. All you're going to find is skeletons. You're very heavily projecting here. Projecting to an extent which absurd. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 So.... How is she in bed? If she is completely inhibited and knows every trick in the book it might be an indication you're not her second one :-) Link to post Share on other sites
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