Messing with my Mind

[c_elizabeth]

Hello everyone!

 

I am new to this forum so I am just going to jump right in....the guy I am dating right now, him and I have had a long history together of dating on and off for 5 years. Well the past 6 months we have been together and in the beginning it was PERFECT, he treated me like gold. Very caring, loving, affectionate, honest, all that jazz, which is I am not saying is unlike him but he isn't the mushy type of guy at all. But after about 2-3 months it started going back downhill (like it always does) we fight about the most silliest things. For example (we will call me bf T) T will get mad at me if I want a night to myself, he completely goes off the deep end. T wants to be with me like 24/7 and I am just not the type of girl that can be with a guy every waking minute of the day or night...I need my own space. Plus I feel like too much time together isnt healthy for a relationship either. We did go out and do things together the first couple of months but now he just gets off work comes to my house and just wants to sit and chill with me and my family. If I suggest going out to see a movie he will make an excuse not to go like "Oh well I don't like that movie" or "Nah I'm tired lets just stay in"...I am 22 years old he is 25 years old and I feel like an old married couple that never does anything!!!! I feel like we should be going out every chance we get with friends, having fun, and we dont! T has a very type A personality its his way or no way, he has to control every situation, and it has to be about him all the time. If we are driving we have to listen to his music, or lets say were doing something simple like washing our cars together, he has to show me how to wash MY car. Even when were intimate, he will sometimes tell me to "shush" or "hurry up" or he wont even look at me while were having "alone time". There was a while were I would pleasure him and he didn't do any foreplay for me. I just feel like I am doing all the work in this relationship, and I tell him this all the time. I broke up with him 3x already in the past 2 months, and he just BEGS FOR ME BACK, he cries, he blows up my phone, he will do or try anything to get me back. And its hard for me to really ignore him and be done with him because of our long history and he makes ME FEEL GUILTY when I am the one upset!!! I just don't know what to do at all, I need some help so I can move on once and for all. I feel like he is just using me and my house as a getaway place from his house (T and his parents do NOT have a good relationship). Is this all relationships are? After a couple of months and the newness wears off it just goes down hill?

 

I am really considering that love is just a joke. I have had 4 serious relationships and they all don't work out. Is it me? I have been struggling with severe health issues for the past 4 years, so I am unable to work or go to college at the moment, I see a lot of Doctors and sometimes I am unable to do things that normal people can do. Could my health be affecting my relationships?

 

Please help. Thank you!

 

Sincerely,

LOST

Edited August 4, 2015 by c_elizabeth

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, you two are clearly not compatible. You can do a lot better than this tool. It doesn't matter if he begs for you to come back. Back to what? An unsatisfying and unloving, one-sided relationship? He doesn't love you. You're way too young to be stuck in such a toxic situation. I don't know what type of health problems you have so I can't say how/if they're affecting your relationships, but that is not why your current guy is a such a jerk. He's bad news.

 

You say you've had 4 serious relationships, but you're only 22 and have been dating this current guy on and off for 5 years. What do you define as a serious relationship? How old were you, and how long did they last? I'm asking sincerely, because I think the way you measure relationships' value may be a bit off. You might be going after guys who are no good for you. When you can identify the pattern, you'll be better able to break it.

[c_elizabeth]

Thank you for your quick response, and I guess maybe I shouldn't of used the word "serious" relationships, the longest one I have been in was for a year and 3 months. All of my relationships start out perfect, but then within a couple of months its like all the magic, and sparkle disappears with literally every single guy I date. I was 18, 20, 21, and 22 years old with my longest relationships. And in between them T has always wiggled his way back into my life. I just need to be done with this guy. I need to move on. And how do I know what guy is right or wrong for me? It seems like every guy/girl is on their best behavior in the beginning of the relationship you don't see each others true colors till you both get comfortable. I feel like when the guys get comfortable is when they just stop trying.

[TaraMaiden2]

Thank you for your quick response, and I guess maybe I shouldn't of used the word "serious" relationships, the longest one I have been in was for a year and 3 months. All of my relationships start out perfect, but then within a couple of months its like all the magic, and sparkle disappears with literally every single guy I date.

 

I think you're expecting pink petals fireworks and cinderella happy-ever-afters too much.

Life isn't like that.

Life is like this.

 

If you want a fairytale relationship, go work at Disney's.

 

Stories and movies build up the ideal relationships, but it's just hype.

I'd love follow-ups to see how their lives pan out after the cameras stop rolling....

 

I was 18, 20, 21, and 22 years old with my longest relationships. And in between them T has always wiggled his way back into my life.

At those ages, they really weren't 'long relationships' at all.. And if he wiggled his way back into your life, then you've never really had a chance to be on your own and enjoy your own company.

That's what you need.

Free 'me time' with no commitments, obligations or guy hanging around....

 

 

I just need to be done with this guy. I need to move on. And how do I know what guy is right or wrong for me?

Yes, you DO need to ditch this flake.

But right now, your brain isn't sufficiently developed to be able to make rational evaluations.

I'm not being insulting.

Really, it's Biology.

 

It seems like every guy/girl is on their best behavior in the beginning of the relationship you don't see each others true colors till you both get comfortable. I feel like when the guys get comfortable is when they just stop trying.

 

Have you spoken to your mother about this?

Are your parents still married?

 

 

Guys begin to take you for granted because they're your age.

 

As you get older this will change.

Remember, guys your age are emotionally less mature than you... some parts of their brains are better at some things than yours, but when it comes to emotions, girls are better equipped... until mid- to late 20's... then it all begins to balance out....

[c_elizabeth]

You are absolutely correct I haven't had a lot of time to myself, and to be honest I HATE being alone. Since my health isn't good, I am living at home with both of my parents and brother, and during the day while their all at work I am at home (staying busy) but going out of my mind, I think part of the reason that I haven't dropped T is because I fear being by myself. Yes both of my parents know about this situation, I tell my mom everything (we are very close) they both say that the decision is up to me because its my life. And I know breaking up with him is the right decision. But I don't like to hurt people either.

[TaraMaiden2]

You are absolutely correct I haven't had a lot of time to myself, and to be honest I HATE being alone. Since my health isn't good, I am living at home with both of my parents and brother, and during the day while their all at work I am at home (staying busy) but going out of my mind, I think part of the reason that I haven't dropped T is because I fear being by myself.

You need to confront this and determine what,m exactly, is so scary about taking the time to be your own best friend. because that's what you do. You develop yourself until you evaluate yourself as deserving of the very best,.

By refusing to 'be alone' you are essentially depriing yourself of personal growth.

 

Yes both of my parents know about this situation, I tell my mom everything (we are very close) they both say that the decision is up to me because its my life.

That's not what I meant.

 

All the guys you go out with stop trying.

How did your dad NOT stop trying?

What made your parents stick it out?

Trust me, your mom will tell you in no uncertain terms that a relationship needs effort FROM BOTH SIDES in order to survive.

On a daily basis.

 

And I know breaking up with him is the right decision. But I don't like to hurt people either.

Ah yes, good idea.

Instead of hurting him temporarily, it's far better to hurt yourself permanently.

 

Now isn't that just the most ludicrous thing you've ever heard?

What, you think he won't survive?

You think this will kill him or torture him FOR EV-ER?

 

Think again....

[c_elizabeth]

Its scary for me because since my health isn't the greatest and it limits what I can and cannot do, I am alone 70% of the time and it just hurts and its depressing, the fact that I am always sick or in pain hurts me and scares me. I don't want to go through this stuff alone. That's why I think I have a constant need of someone or someones attention. My Mom and Dad have been together for 35 years and they have gone through rough patches, we all have. They have came close to getting a divorce, but what stops them is my brother and I.

 

And I know its stupid to say that I shouldn't hurt him because I am hurting, really hurting. Its like I dont know what to do with myself anymore. I used to do a lot of things I wanted to the only love in my life back then was horses and thats all I did was ride every chance I got, boys were the last thing on my mind. I wish I could get back to that person I was, but I don't know how.

[Gary S]

He's a control freak and unromantic. This is a serious red flag. For a healthy and happy relationship that can last, you need a person who is easy to get along with...... you can't love someone for long if you are always walking on eggshells when you are around them.

 

Yes, Virginia, some happy couples only have a handful of arguments per year, and calmly discuss things. Nice people know that relationships are give-and-take.

 

Also, you have had several breakups - we call them breakups because they are broken.

[PogoStick]

A lot of things could be affecting your relationships. You are young and don't really know how to conduct a successful relationship. It takes time, practice, and maturity. At 22 you barely have any of those. At 25, he's probably not much better. Plus after 5 years of a failed relationship you may just have too much baggage to make this one work.

 

Time to move on.

 

What are your health problems?

[c_elizabeth]

My health problems gee lets see where should I start, I have a 3 inch binder STUFFED full of medical reports, hospital records, medication information, everything and anything you could think of is in that binder. Ever since I had mono in 2011, I cannot go 2 months without "something" making me sick, or going wrong, or me just not feeling well. I have a vitamin defiencey so I have to inject my vitamins in my leg once a week since I cannot take them orally. It just flushes thorough my body. I've had kidney stones, a lot of kidney infections, uti's, they diagnosed me with Meduallary Sponge Kidney disease, after that I suffered from Occular Migraines and would loose my vision at random times. Then I had severe pelvic pain, had to get surgery on my uterus. And now over the past 3 months after I was diagnosed with C. Diff I have been suffering with major stomach issues, Ive lost 12lbs over the past two weeks. I mean I would be here all night typing every little thing, I can't even count how many times I was in the ER. My health has REALLY effected my life to live like a normal 22 year old. I am not currently working because of my stomach issues and pain I am in. I can't go to college. Its hard.

[TaraMaiden2]

Its scary for me because since my health isn't the greatest and it limits what I can and cannot do, I am alone 70% of the time and it just hurts and its depressing, the fact that I am always sick or in pain hurts me and scares me.

Not trying to pry but yes, I too was going to ask what your medical issue is....

I don't want to go through this stuff alone. That's why I think I have a constant need of someone or someones attention.

That#s a very unhealthy dependency you have there... And if I may be so bold, you may psychologically, unconsciously be blocking any progress in healing, by believing you need someone around to make you feel better....

 

My Mom and Dad have been together for 35 years and they have gone through rough patches, we all have. They have came close to getting a divorce, but what stops them is my brother and I.

They stayed together for the sake of the kids....? Oh...kay..... I'm not going to make comment on that, as they're your Mom and dad...

 

And I know its stupid to say that I shouldn't hurt him because I am hurting, really hurting. Its like I dont know what to do with myself anymore.

Are you being treated for depression? because if not, I really think you need to speak to your doctor about this....

 

I used to do a lot of things I wanted to the only love in my life back then was horses and thats all I did was ride every chance I got, boys were the last thing on my mind. I wish I could get back to that person I was, but I don't know how.

Well, I can't really begin to put forward any ideas until we know what the medical issue is. But I don't want to pry where prying's not welcome.

[PogoStick]

I ask because I'm curious how your medical issues could play into your mental health, self-esteem, depression, and your ability to have a quality relationship.

 

When your daily life is suffering then your relationships will as well. When you're happy and have your life going well then the positive feelings carry into your relationships and they will be healthier as a result. You'll pick better men too.