Vixen32 Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Ok - I've been dating a guy for about 6 months. He's the first guy I've had real feelings for in a long time, I thought I could trust him, he made me want to be a better person, etc., and everything was generally pretty great. We had been seeing each other almost every day basically after the first month. That said, yesterday, I found out that he had been lying to me about an ex-girlfriend - he had told me he dated someone in the past for multiple years, broke up with her, then dated someone else for a year or so, and ended it with that other person shortly before meeting me. The reality is that he broke up with the girl he dated for several years, took a short break from her, and then got back together with her for the year or so before he met me (i.e. the two girls were the same girl, not two different ones). He claims that he lied in the first place as he thought it would creep me out that he had been dating some one for effectively several years and had just broken it off with her a few weeks before meeting me, and thereafter that he didn't know how to get out of the lie. He claims that everything else was genuine and sincere, and I kind of believe it, but it's hard. That said, I have been cheated on in the past, and while I don't think he has cheated on me (due to how much we see each other, and how he generally treats me), I have some underlying trust issues already, so this is hard. Basically, should I get rid of him, or should I try to give him another chance? For me, he's perfect in about every way, but this is a challenge to think about right now. Your thoughts would be great - we just chatted about the situation yesterday, he seemed understanding, and just wanted to give me space to think about it and get back to him if I was comfortable - this is part of that thought process. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 I'm not crazy about the lie but since I can understand the reasoning, if everything else was going well, I may be able to get over it but I would be cautious & wonder what else he may have lied about. He will need to rebuild your trust Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vixen32 Posted August 4, 2015 Author Share Posted August 4, 2015 How would I/could I begin to trust him again - what should that rebuilding trust process look like? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 There aren't hoops or an obstacle course. I suppose I would seek independent verification of things he told me. Transparency would be a big factor. The process will look like what you need it to look like within reason. You can't ask for a key stroke tracker or a GPS. Well you could but he shouldn't agree to them. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 If you'll excuse me saying - this is so trivial. What: so actually, he dated the same woman for several years, and had a break from her? So he was a constant and faithful companion to her for a full total of (a nominal imagined) seven years, with a short hiatus while they tried to sort their heads out - then they tried again, but that failed.... so after a while (no overlap mind, no cheating) he began to date you? That sounds to me more like a keeper who really tries to make an effort and keep things going. He has already explained why he felt awkward telling you the truth. And I can see that... bit odd, but ok.... What were the circumstances of their breaking up, though? Your underlying issues are not his fault, nor his responsibility to cater to, or fix. If you already had these issues when you met him, that's not on him to work on to make better. His previous history should not be held up against your past experiences... You cannot hold him accountable NOW, for things over which he had no control or input THEN. I'd still like to know a little more surrounding the circumstances of why they broke up/made up/broke up again... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vixen32 Posted August 4, 2015 Author Share Posted August 4, 2015 I'd still like to know a little more surrounding the circumstances of why they broke up/made up/broke up again... They broke up initially because things were long distance and had started to feel platonic. He told me that when they got back together, he had tried dating a few other people, but nothing worked out, and she reached out to him and they got back together for about a year. He described it as very platonic and that they maybe had sex once or twice when they first got back together, and that the remainder of the year was effectively platonic and that they'd only see each other every 2-4 weeks. As such, she brought up the topic of what they were at some point, and it turned into breaking up - it was long distance, platonic, etc., so it wasn't hard to end it. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Thank you. So... nobody cheated (as far as you know) they weren't unfreindly, they didn't split on hostile or bad terms.... As I said: I appreciate you have a history and feel there are underlying issues of yours that leave you feeling vulnerable. But you can't judge him, on that. I don't mean this disrespectfully, but that's YOUR baggage. You can't transpose your emotions on that, onto him. Give him a chance; if you have difficulty trusting, that's your problem to deal with. Yes, he has to prove he's a keeper, but it seems he made efforts with the last one, and the one thing that killed it was distance. Try to look at things rationally, and don't be too quick to mistrust him. If we're honest, that lie wasn't earth-shattering. It wasn't a deal-breaker per se... He had what he felt was cause to tell it, and obviously regretted it... How did you find out it was the same girl? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vixen32 Posted August 4, 2015 Author Share Posted August 4, 2015 How did you find out it was the same girl? I was at his house yesterday and found a note about a prior trip, and it had her name on it (the same girl, and he had told me it was a different girl), so I asked him about the trip/girl, and he basically told me the story... Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Well, they do say a willing confession is better than an admission after discovery, but it's my impression from what you say (that he's given you space to think about it) that the reason he just never admitted the truth was because it was just easier to let sleeping dogs lie.... I think in time, he may have told you anyway.... I understand how this may be making you feel, but i just can't help feeling it's a bit of a molehill/mountain thing.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vixen32 Posted August 4, 2015 Author Share Posted August 4, 2015 How did you find out it was the same girl? I was at his house yesterday and found a note about a prior trip, and it had her name on it (the same girl, and he had told me it was a different girl), so I asked him about the trip/girl, and he basically told me the story... Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 I think you are being ridiculous. At the time you were just starting to date and he did not owe you any confession on his past unless it's something important that he carries into his present like a criminal record or an illness. He didn't cheat on you so don't make him pay for your last boyfriend's mistake. We're all human and we all filter the information we give about ourselves when we first meet someone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vixen32 Posted August 4, 2015 Author Share Posted August 4, 2015 I think you are being ridiculous. At the time you were just starting to date and he did not owe you any confession on his past unless it's something important that he carries into his present like a criminal record or an illness. He didn't cheat on you so don't make him pay for your last boyfriend's mistake. We're all human and we all filter the information we give about ourselves when we first meet someone. I know people filter information, but he lied about who she was and even some details about he met her as well as some other information - it is different than conveniently forgetting to tell me who she was. Anyhow, I'm not necessarily saying I'm going to leave him, I'm simply trying to figure out how big of a deal this is, think through my trust issues, and whether it's worth trying to salvage... Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 salvage what? All you need to decide is whether this issue is too big a one for YOU to handle. From his PoV, I don't think he meant any detrimental, damaging and deceitful subterfuge. I just think he may have felt embarrassed by the admission that it was the same girl. People do make it worse by piling fib onto fib, but it's not like he's cheated, two-timed you - or her - and it's not life-changing or soul-destroying. But you're creating that, due to your past experiences... What you have to decide is whether your past is strong enough to impact YOUR present. Not his; yours. This isn't on him. You have to decide whether you have in you, what's needed to carry this forward.... Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 I know people filter information, but he lied about who she was and even some details about he met her as well as some other information - it is different than conveniently forgetting to tell me who she was. Anyhow, I'm not necessarily saying I'm going to leave him, I'm simply trying to figure out how big of a deal this is, think through my trust issues, and whether it's worth trying to salvage... Why is it important to know who he dated before you? He dated her twice so what? They went on a trip and he didn't tell you, so what? Why does he owe you a break down of his past? Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 (edited) I hate to be the voice of dissent, but his story makes zero sense. Why would it creep you out? Also, there was no willing confession, you busted him in the lie. I'd bet the farm you that you still don't know the real story of what's going on. It's just too fishy, in my opinion. And if he did lie just for that - he's a liar and he's not that smart. Why would you risk a relationship for something so trivial? You know deep down in your gut he still isn't telling you the full story. And this wasn't just one lie. I'm sure he had to lie repeatedly throughout the entire ordeal and would have continued lying. Sorry, but someone doesn't just keep lying for no reason. If you hadn't busted him, he'd still be lying to your face. You already know he's a liar, so you really don't have any reason to believe this version of the story either. What, he just suddenly became moral overnight? Remember, he didn't come to with some sort of confession. You caught him and this is the newest version of the story. Edited August 4, 2015 by HereNorThere 1 Link to post Share on other sites
wb1988 Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 (edited) If a guy makes $65k a year but tells you that he makes $70k then he's a liar and is probably cheating on you right? I mean why lie about the $5k unless he's got another woman to impress or a drug habit to keep secret? I think should break up with him because he probably deserves better. He told you about his dating history (he really shouldn't have) and there was a slight discrepancy that you are nitpicking about. As a guy it sounds like he was embarrassed about being with 1 girl for so long so he split the time and you are giving him **** for it due to your paranoia. If you make this a problem and then break up over it then you'll be kicking yourself later for being so stupid. Also you'll make him feel like he's walking on egg shells as saying the wrong number (even by 1!) seems to hit a nerve with you. Edited August 4, 2015 by wb1988 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 “I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche 1 Link to post Share on other sites
wb1988 Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 I hate to be the voice of dissent, but his story makes zero sense. Why would it creep you out? Also, there was no willing confession, you busted him in the lie. I'd bet the farm you that you still don't know the real story of what's going on. It's just too fishy, in my opinion. And if he did lie just for that - he's a liar and he's not that smart. Why would you risk a relationship for something so trivial? You know deep down in your gut he still isn't telling you the full story. And this wasn't just one lie. I'm sure he had to lie repeatedly throughout the entire ordeal and would have continued lying. Sorry, but someone doesn't just keep lying for no reason. If you hadn't busted him, he'd still be lying to your face. You already know he's a liar, so you really don't have any reason to believe this version of the story either. What, he just suddenly became moral overnight? Remember, he didn't come to with some sort of confession. You caught him and this is the newest version of the story. Your post started off great but then it all went downhill from the 3rd sentence, but I do love it when some people can just completely miss the point. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xcupid Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anduina Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Another vote for his story not making any sense. People break up and make up all the time. There's more to this story than he's telling you, possibly that he broke up with her to date someone else, realized his mistake and went back to her when she reached out to him. Link to post Share on other sites
RebelWithoutACause Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 maybe had sex once or twice when they first got back together, and that the remainder of the year was effectively platonic and that they'd only see each other every 2-4 weeks. While I personally don't find the initial lie a huge deal the above strikes me as odd and makes me think he might not be telling you the full story. Something is off. Is he still in contact with her? Their "platonic" relationship might still be going. And it might not be as "platonic" as he says. That being said, don't let strangers on a forum influence you too much. We don't know him, you do. So trust your intuition. Is he being truthful? Link to post Share on other sites
Gary S Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 The problem with these little white lies is, you wounder what else has he lied about? or, will there be more and bigger lies in the future? Lies beat down love level.... you can only love someone as much a you can trust them. Your love level has taken a hit. How do you rebuild trust? - time... with time, you may begin to trust and love him more again. But he has to stop lying. Those little white lies are not so little - they can be big trouble. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vixen32 Posted August 4, 2015 Author Share Posted August 4, 2015 While I personally don't find the initial lie a huge deal the above strikes me as odd and makes me think he might not be telling you the full story. Something is off. Is he still in contact with her? Their "platonic" relationship might still be going. And it might not be as "platonic" as he says. That being said, don't let strangers on a forum influence you too much. We don't know him, you do. So trust your intuition. Is he being truthful? His ex live a few states away (it was long distance), and he hasn't gone there since I met him. I spend enough time with him now, such that I'm pretty comfortable saying he's not seeing her if she happened to come to town. He says he has not initiated any contact w her since they last split...I don't have a clue if that's true... As for the story - he said the last bit of Ike they were together the first one, it had digressed to seeming platonic and that he felt he somewhat obligated to be there for her when they got back together...the platonic thing just kind of stuck... Link to post Share on other sites
dpn4u Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Ok - I've been dating a guy for about 6 months. He's the first guy I've had real feelings for in a long time, I thought I could trust him, he made me want to be a better person, etc., and everything was generally pretty great. We had been seeing each other almost every day basically after the first month. That said, yesterday, I found out that he had been lying to me about an ex-girlfriend - he had told me he dated someone in the past for multiple years, broke up with her, then dated someone else for a year or so, and ended it with that other person shortly before meeting me. The reality is that he broke up with the girl he dated for several years, took a short break from her, and then got back together with her for the year or so before he met me (i.e. the two girls were the same girl, not two different ones). He claims that he lied in the first place as he thought it would creep me out that he had been dating some one for effectively several years and had just broken it off with her a few weeks before meeting me, and thereafter that he didn't know how to get out of the lie. He claims that everything else was genuine and sincere, and I kind of believe it, but it's hard. That said, I have been cheated on in the past, and while I don't think he has cheated on me (due to how much we see each other, and how he generally treats me), I have some underlying trust issues already, so this is hard. Basically, should I get rid of him, or should I try to give him another chance? For me, he's perfect in about every way, but this is a challenge to think about right now. Your thoughts would be great - we just chatted about the situation yesterday, he seemed understanding, and just wanted to give me space to think about it and get back to him if I was comfortable - this is part of that thought process. Sounds to me like she's out of his system. Does he still talk/text her? If the answer is yes, RUN. If not, you are really prying into his private business. You need to realize that every person is different. You can't punish someone you are with now for what someone in your past did to you. It's not fair. If he doesn't lie about anything else you need to cut him some slack. I don't tell women I'm dating about my past girlfriends either. It's none of their business as long as I don't have diseases or insane exes stalking me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vixen32 Posted August 4, 2015 Author Share Posted August 4, 2015 The problem with these little white lies is, you wounder what else has he lied about? or, will there be more and bigger lies in the future? Lies beat down love level.... you can only love someone as much a you can trust them. Your love level has taken a hit. How do you rebuild trust? - time... with time, you may begin to trust and love him more again. But he has to stop lying. Those little white lies are not so little - they can be big trouble. That's precisely the challenge - love him less w less trust...it's hard to process when you're blindsided by it... Link to post Share on other sites
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