Hopeful30 Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 So here's my sap story: been single and sexless for a year. Not feeling too good about myself, but probably not for the reasons you think. I don't have low self-esteem and no issues with my appearance or confidence. Simply, I'm very lonely and I need the touch of a man. I've never had one night stands because that does nothing for me. I'm not that person. In any case, I'm considering picking out one of my male acquaintances and just have sex with him. Many tell me I need to stop waiting to feel something for someone and just open up to the idea of casual sex. Not sure if it would actually make me feel better or worse, but being single for this long sucks (because I love relationships and getting intimate) and I'm really, very much, so much and really really wanting to feel the touch of a man again. I feel like I'm a born again virgin. Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
kilgore Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 when i went through long bouts of singlehood, i didn't do that, though maybe it would have made me feel better. though as a modestly endowed dude, not sure that would have been my best course. but, you can have random sex - be safe - if it makes you feel better, but not a some kind of bandage on loneliness. will make you sad. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hopeful30 Posted August 4, 2015 Author Share Posted August 4, 2015 when i went through long bouts of singlehood, i didn't do that, though maybe it would have made me feel better. though as a modestly endowed dude, not sure that would have been my best course. but, you can have random sex - be safe - if it makes you feel better, but not a some kind of bandage on loneliness. will make you sad. Not sure yet how I will feel, since I've never done it before lol. I suppose it would help if I had some insight on others' experiences. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kilgore Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Not sure yet how I will feel, since I've never done it before lol. I suppose it would help if I had some insight on others' experiences. but that won't matter, because how you feel will be how you feel. having sex bc you like it is one thing but truly random sex can be a recipe for disaster for me, just was not my thing. though sometimes i regret that fact Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hopeful30 Posted August 4, 2015 Author Share Posted August 4, 2015 but that won't matter, because how you feel will be how you feel. having sex bc you like it is one thing but truly random sex can be a recipe for disaster for me, just was not my thing. though sometimes i regret that fact hmmm...why do you regret it? Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Most of my female friends talk a big game about casual sex, but usually end up places like this next day posting about how they're filled with regret. There's nothing morally wrong with it and it may be be great in the moment, but I doubt you'll get the relief you're looking for. Chances are, the next day will look something like this - https://40.media.tumblr.com/6fc9834eabf515933d4729beee080d89/tumblr_inline_nqrsnosHxv1twzlvq_540.png 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kilgore Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 i dunno. i am settled down and happy. but, i do think i should have taken more risks - more drugs, more risks, more sex. just to never wonder. but, i don't know that i could have had sex free of emotion. so, maybe i didn't have the personality for it. that and well... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hopeful30 Posted August 4, 2015 Author Share Posted August 4, 2015 Must I forever bask in my loneliness then? It's not exactly going to help me seem more attractive to guys. Apparently they can sense that. It's like a vicious cycle lol 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kilgore Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Must I forever bask in my loneliness then? It's not exactly going to help me seem more attractive to guys. Apparently they can sense that. It's like a vicious cycle lol NO! Have fun - but don't have sex just not to be lonely. I think for me, I just wasn't built for one night stands, but it would have been fun to have been a little wilder. just for fun 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mrldii Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 I seriously doubt that you'd feel better after it; I'd bet the farm that you'll feel even worse, because of what you, yourself, wrote...right here: ...(because I love relationships and getting intimate)... "Casual sex" is the exact opposite of loving and wanting "relationships and getting intimate". When I've been single for extended periods of time, I'VE been capable of "casual sex", but that's because I just want sex, NOT a relationship or intimacy. When I've been ready to get back into the game, "casual sex" goes by the wayside, because it IS very empty and unsatisfying when you're ready - and looking for - a connection. Best of luck to you, whatever you decide, OP... 5 Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Oh yes, because it's sooo hard to get dates with guys. If you think that's bad, you should try being a guy! Seriously, set up a few good dating profiles on some decent sites and watch the dudes roll in. Link to post Share on other sites
kilgore Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 I seriously doubt that you'd feel better after it; I'd bet the farm that you'll feel even worse, because of what you, yourself, wrote...right here: "Casual sex" is the exact opposite of loving and wanting "relationships and getting intimate". When I've been single for extended periods of time, I'VE been capable of "casual sex", but that's because I just want sex, NOT a relationship or intimacy. When I've been ready to get back into the game, "casual sex" goes by the wayside, because it IS very empty and unsatisfying when you're ready - and looking for - a connection. Best of luck to you, whatever you decide, OP... Wow, you do your research Link to post Share on other sites
mrldii Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Must I forever bask in my loneliness then? It's not exactly going to help me seem more attractive to guys. Apparently they can sense that. It's like a vicious cycle lol Masturbate to orgasm more...every night and morning, if necessary. The afterglow IS attractive to men...and they don't even know why. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kilgore Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Masturbate to orgasm more...every night and morning, if necessary. The afterglow IS attractive to men...and they don't even know why. that is actually excellent advice 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hopeful30 Posted August 4, 2015 Author Share Posted August 4, 2015 Masturbate to orgasm more...every night and morning, if necessary. The afterglow IS attractive to men...and they don't even know why. Been there done that. But that doesn't mean it attracts the kind of guy you want. It just attracts everything LOL 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kilgore Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Been there done that. But that doesn't mean it attracts the kind of guy you want. It just attracts everything LOL i don't think i ever attracted the type of women interested in casual sex. i guess i am/was shy. and a bit unhung. who knows. but masturbation can be good for maintenance. don't dismiss it 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mrldii Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Been there done that. But that doesn't mean it attracts the kind of guy you want. It just attracts everything LOL IF it's true, "attract[ing] everything" simply puts you in the driver's seat in selecting the best one(s). What's the problem, then? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kilgore Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 IF it's true, "attract[ing] everything" simply puts you in the driver's seat in selecting the best one(s). What's the problem, then? that is an empowering way to look at it, hopeful Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hopeful30 Posted August 4, 2015 Author Share Posted August 4, 2015 IF it's true, "attract[ing] everything" simply puts you in the driver's seat in selecting the best one(s). What's the problem, then? Aside from the obvious being selective, a lot is already taken and of course when you start up a conversation, something about them often makes you cringe. After all, think of the type of man who can have sex casually with anyone, anywhere. That isn't exactly attractive. Then again, finding a quality man to do the same is kinda silly to ask, but I know some couples (some still together some not) who have started this way. I feel foolish. Link to post Share on other sites
mystikmind2005 Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 I think what the OP is saying is that she is not finding that special emotional attraction but misses passionate sex? Well until recently i had not had sex for over 2 years! I did end up having a one night stand but that did nothing for me at all because i was not all that much into her. I think what was missing was the intense passion and desire? An idea for the OP might be to try internet or phone sex with the guy of her choice first, and if he manages to really turn her on then it might lead to something well worthwhile? Link to post Share on other sites
mrldii Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Aside from the obvious being selective, a lot is already taken and of course when you start up a conversation, something about them often makes you cringe. After all, think of the type of man who can have sex casually with anyone, anywhere. That isn't exactly attractive. Then again, finding a quality man to do the same is kinda silly to ask, but I know some couples (some still together some not) who have started this way. I feel foolish. Every single one of my four long-term relationships started with sex very early on...so, it's safe to say they began with "casual sex". Of course, I'm not batting a thousand, so obviously there were "casual sex" encounters that remained just that. I don't feel foolish; I don't feel shame; I don't feel anything one way or the other about them; they simply were/are what they were/are. You're proving to yourself with each successive post that you're not made of the stuff to *pull off* "casual sex". NOT a judgement...simply an observation, since your OP stated you were toying with the idea and wondered what others' thoughts might be. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hopeful30 Posted August 4, 2015 Author Share Posted August 4, 2015 (edited) I think what was missing was the intense passion and desire? THIS! You called it. I miss passionate sex. The only time I've experienced that is when being in a relationship. Surely people can be passionate without being in love or emotionally attached. In response to another poster, THIS is why it's hard for me. Because what most people consider casual is for some reason lacking passion. If I could have sex tomorrow with an attractive man who was passionate about it, and not just wanting to poke his thing in me (and of course knew how to seduce and not just go right for it right away) then I would be more than willing. It's never been like that though for me. Men just go right for it. Like hello! Edited August 4, 2015 by Hopeful30 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mrldii Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 THIS! You called it. I miss passionate sex. The only time I've experienced that is when being in a relationship. Surely people can be passionate without being in love or emotionally attached. In response to another poster, THIS is why it's hard for me. Because what most people consider casual is for some reason lacking passion. 'Twould appear not... "passionate CloseStyle: MLA APA Chicago adjective pas·sion·ate \ˈpa-sh(ə-)nət\ : having, showing, or expressing strong emotions or beliefs : expressing or relating to strong sexual or romantic feelings" For most people, having strong feelings/sexual passion for someone with whom they're not intimate is difficult. If it were easy for you, you'd have had "casual sex" by now. As a matter of fact "casual" and "passionate" seem to be antonyms, especially given your statements in your OP. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 I think the tl;dr of this thread is simple - I want a passionate, intimate connection with someone, but I'm also kinda lazy don't want to put in the kind of work that it requires to achieve that right now. OP, don't stop for a Big Mac just because it's easier than grilling a filet mignon. Some things are worth the time and effort. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hopeful30 Posted August 4, 2015 Author Share Posted August 4, 2015 . Some things are worth the time and effort. You mean the wait? Nothing to work on at the moment... Link to post Share on other sites
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