First relationship but scared.

[SulphuricHaze]

Hi all. I've been my first & serious relationship for a little under a year now, and most of the time, things have been great. My partner is slightly older than I am, and has had a serious long term relationship and a few short term ones, so he has been helpful in guiding me, because I had no idea what I was supposed to be doing. We've had the odd disagreement and only one fall out, but no arguments, and we really do get on well (from doing chores around my house to having gone abroad together for the first time).

 

Now, I'll try to keep this as short as I can, but the main thing that is playing on my mind relates to his past. With his ex from the LTR, they were heavy drinkers and smokers, but early on he told me they had taken drugs for a period of a year and a half. The other day, he then dropped the bomb that he'd done cocaine (which he hadn't mentioned before) - I found this a little difficult to process because I am against drugs full stop (if he had been doing the drugs when we'd got talking, that would have been a dealbreaker for me), but I didn't want to berate him for his past, so I didn't say anything about it.

 

Where my issue lies is that he fell ill at the beginning of the year, one of the instances being due to pancreatitis. He also had spots on his liver, and so we're still in the process of investigating what is going on. I am feeling a plethora of emotions at the minute; I am angry about the drug use and the fact that his ex led him down such a path, I am upset (naturally) that he has not being feeling right for 7 months now and we still don't know if he is in the clear, but I'm also scared about the future.

 

He says I am the one, and I don't doubt his feelings. We're not moving things fast, because he wants to go back into education to get a better job, and I need to finish my degree first. However, he is constantly mentioning a future with me in it. I want to be with him too, but at the moment, I'm really scared about what the future is going to hold. I'm being realistic in the fact that I am not going to say staying together forever is certain, but I am very invested in the relationship, as is he.

 

I guess I am just looking for some advice on how to stay strong in a time of uncertainty. Being my first relationship, I knew it wouldn't be all roses, but I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed, and I didn't expect there'd be as much baggage as there has been. I don't want to be an ******* and bring up his past activities, but I can't help but feel that they are linked, and I would feel so distraught if that was the cause of his malady.

 

Thanks in advance.

[d0nnivain]

I think you may be moving too fast. For your 1st relationship how are you already in a situation where you are splitting chores? Do you live together? If so I would have cautioned against that had you asked earlier.

 

 

You need more info & you need to really think about how his past behavior influences his present. I'm with you -- drugs are a deal breaker but I could forgive somebody who quit before I met them unless it was really hardcore like a heroin addiction or something.

 

 

You don't really have to figure this stuff out right now. Enjoy the moment. Work on your degree. After you get that if you are still together you can worry about marriage & happily ever after.

 

 

One word of caution: there is a reason most people do not end up married to their 1st love.

[SulphuricHaze]

I think you may be moving too fast. For your 1st relationship how are you already in a situation where you are splitting chores? Do you live together? If so I would have cautioned against that...

 

No we don't live together - I always said I wouldn't move in with somebody unless we'd been together a couple of years and we're financially able to do so. He stays round mine a lot, as it is easier than at his Mom's place due to lack of space. When my family went okay and he was here, we both worked together to tidy up, and on a normal weekend, he will help me with cooking, or help my parents out with any tasks they are doing.

 

He told me that he stopped before we got talking and at that time, it was just pot. I will give him credit that when I have asked questions, he has given a straight answer. Equally, with the drugs thing, when it cropped up in conversation and my Mom asked, he told her exactly the same as he told me. He hardly drinks now (as in a glass of wine at a family dinner, or a couple of weak beers with my Dad), doesn't smoke and doesn't take drugs now. I know initially the drugs were taken for fun, as he was part of the metal scene and all the friends from the clubs did them, but later on he got depressed when his relationship fell apart and that the use increased.

 

I am trying to focus in on the now, rather than worry to much about the future. I used to be excited about it, but with so much uncertainty, it is something that is more of a maybe. It depends on how the next year pans out, really. There are other issues for him on his end (bad relationship with Mom and the college application not going to plan), so I suppose nothing is a given at this point.