Mixed messages or reading wrong?

[Taeyang]

Ok so I met this guy at a bar that I go to often, he's a bartender and I've seen him a bunch of times but we never talked. So he finally approached me about something he saw we had in common and we hit it off, and it was funny that night we got eachother as a match on a dating site and we started talking a lot, and every time i came in he'd come out and hug me and stay around to talk, apparently he'd told his coworkers and friends about me and they were all giving him a hard time.

 

This one night he kept paying my drinks, and he got out early and sat down with me. We talked all night, and got pretty drunk so I stayed over at his place. He didn't try anything! He just kissed me, and I slept on the couch so he slept on the other couch instead of his bed upstairs. In the morning we talked for like 4 hours, and I didn't know he had work (navy) which he totally ditched to stay and talk! He walked me to my car, invited me to go have breakfast with him but I had to go to work and I could tell he wanted to kiss me but he didn't, and he insisted I join him and his friends for trivia night at a bar in a couple of days.

 

At this point he added me on facebook and asked for my number but I stopped hearing from him, and so I showed up at trivia night with a girl friend of mine and he was super weird and said he forgot to text me and just stayed with his group, i actually started feeling sick and had to leave almost immediately anyway. After i still didn't hear from him for a bit and I checked the online site and realized he'd sent me a couple of messages before and his phone number and i hadn't answered for days. So I replied apologizing for not responding, asking what was up that day, and asking him out for a drink or dinner sometime. He responded only that it was weird because he didn't know how to incorporate me and my friend to the group and while he was trying to figure that out i left, and I responded that i got a vibe he wasnt down to hang out with me so it was nice meeting him, he said that wasnt it. Then we didnt talk for a couple of days again.

 

I went in to the bar to have a drink with my girl friend, and he said he felt terrible for what happened, that he hasn't been able to stop thinking about it and if I let him take me out to a movie this weekend to make it up to me, but our schedules totally clashed and he was like ok well we'll figure something out. Couple of days later I came in and he was drinking with his friends and brothers, and he asked me to sit with them and introduced me to everyone and his brother was like "oh you're the one he's told us about i love you for him already". We all got pretty drunk, he was reeeally drunk, and we talked outside. He told me that I was so perfect for him that it was unreal and that it was freaking him out a bit, that he really wants to take me out on a proper date so that we should go to the movies early this monday before my work. I walked him home since he lives down the block, and we talked a bit more and he wanted to walk me to my car and I didnt let him because he was stumbling so I took him to his bed and we ended up having sex. The next morning he brought me water and cuddled me for a couple of hours, was super lovey, we slept a bit more and then I had to leave for work and he walked me to my car.

 

The next day I was at the bar and was like you should come out for the Rousey fight, he said he was going to but he didn't show up and the next day texted me he was sorry he fell asleep. I asked him if he remembered about the plans we made Monday and he said he didn't but that we could still go out if I had time. We danced around the schedule thing again, and I told him we could try next week if it works better and he said yeah next week is better. His texts seemed shorter than usual and not making much conversation just responding. That night my friend dragged me down to the bar and I didnt want to seem desperate so I kind of avoided him. He played along and avoided me, and at the end of the night our groups were both outside and he said hi and we talked a bit, then his brother started talking to me and he just left without saying anything to me or his brother. I haven't heard from him anymore, and I'm a bit confused. Im sure I shouldn't have avoided him, probably shouldn't have been at the bar to begin with.

 

Anyway I'm confused because he showed such strong interest, yet wasnt too stoked on hanging out monday and would rather do next week, and I feel he went weird, probably because I was weird about it too? Am I reading things wrong? What can I do to alleviate the situation? Should I just straight up apologize for being weird yesterday or just leave it alone?

 

Please help, it sucks I really like this guy and I think he really likes me and I think I might have messed it up.

Edited August 3, 2015 by Taeyang
Too long

[Qboro90]

I think you are visiting the bar he works at wayyyyyy to often while these things are going on between you. You're definitely coming off as clingy and he knows you like him and wanna go out with him in a date because you're literally asking him about it all the time and trying to make your schedules work in order to do it. From a guys point of view I can tell you that once a girl shows her cards like you have and the mystery of "does she like me? I can't get a read on her.. Etc" is gone then we are less motivated to chase you down and set plans. I'm not saying he doesn't like you, just that you've went too far too fast and come off as the girl who doesn't have anything else going in or anyone else to date so he knows there's no urgency or need to "woo" you right now.

 

Also I'm a bit surprised at you sleeping with him when you did. You were very mature the first time you spent the night at his apartment. You slept on separate couches and established that you weren't a 1 night stand kind of girl and he would have to work for it if he wanted to sleep with you. Then you follow that up by literally carrying him home and letting him have sex with you while he's blackout drunk. That comes off as kind of sleezy (sorry to be blunt, I'm sure you're not but that's what him and his friends will think). If you would sleep with someone that drunk then why should he respect you enough to take you on a date? You've already shown that you'll be at the bar multiple times a week so he can just go to work and see you there and most likely sleep with you. Easy decision for him I'm sure. You're way to available and open at this point. Take a few steps back and make him work a bit.

[Taeyang]

Thanks for being blunt and honest, I need that. I know I shouldn't have slept with him but I was pretty drunk too, i was just the lesser drunk out of the two.

 

To be honest I'm still super confused after taking a step back.

 

His friends have since come up to me and either asked me what my intentions were with him, told me not to lose hope, or told me that he really likes me and they think we're perfect for eachother and want us to end up together.

 

The thing is we had a talk and established neither of us are ready for anything serious so we would just be FWB.

At this point i stopped doing anything to indicate interest.

 

We hooked up once more and right after he started cuddling me and told me he was so jealous of all the guys hitting on me at the bar that he really wanted to tell them to back off but knew he couldn't do anything, and that he was sorry he was trying to play it cool and not annoy me but he took it too far and now came off as if he's not interested.

 

After that he's thrown so many mixed signals. One night he told me again he really liked me and thought I was perfect for him but that he was scared because his last relationship was pretty bad and he told me all about it, apparently he was so close to marrying this girl he was with for 5 years and she cheated on him and other things, and also about some other girl he dated for a bit recently that ended up using him. He also said that he plans to move away in the future and is scared to start something new and end up hurting me, to which i responded that he's thinking way too far in the future and he said he knows he's thought too much of the future with this, that it's just because he really cant belive how good of a fit i am for him and has never felt like this and doesn't know what to do or how to act with me, and that he doesn't want me to think he's playing. He invited me to the movies again and said he wanted to show me he wasnt playing he also invited me to stay over and said he wasn't gonna try and sleep with me he just wanted to keep talking and cuddle which is exactly how it went down.

 

Next time I was at the bar, he kept following me around wherever I was sitting trying to talk to me, I kind of didn't show too much interest and continued to hang out with my girl friend. At the end of the night he hugged me really tight and told me he was going to bed because he was really tired, then i bumped into him later at 7/11 with 2 girls buying alcohol so I texted him "Im kinda done with you, just to let you know. Good night."

 

I've seen him once after that and noticed he was all depressed. He kept staring at me the whole time I was there, he tried saying hi real nervously a couple of times but i just smiled and ignored him. My friend asked me what happened between us because she could tell he was upset.

 

I feel kind of bad for leaving things like that, and I felt such an amazing connection and openness with him, i cant stop thinking about him. But i feel like I already put my foot down and shouldnt try to talk to him, however im almost sure he won't try to talk to me even if he wanted to at this point...

 

I really want to clear things up, i want to talk to him to keep seeing him. Is it for the best just to stay away? What can i do at this point? What do you guys think honestly about his side? I feel like he really was being honest about being scared and not knowing what to do, i could tell his pain when he spoke i dont know it's weird to explain, but i think he's worth giving a last shot i dont know, should i talk to him?

[Qboro90]

Oh man.... He knows exactly what to say to keep you interested and overlooking his wishy washy on and off behavior and emotions. Listen I have no doubt that this guy likes you and finds your attractive and likes having you around. However I also have no doubt that he does not like you enough to make you his girlfriend.

 

While the excuses and stories he tells you might sound genuine and heartfelt just know from a guy speaking from experience, that we are VERY good at knowing just what to say that will make a girl think "ah ok I can understand why he did or acted like that" or "hes had bad past relationships, he just needs to see that I'm not going anywhere and that I won't hurt him like they did".

 

Ha! Sorry but he's telling you how much he likes you and how much you have in common, then the obvious question you ask is "well if you like me so much then why don't we see where this goes and talk daily or start dating?"

 

Then that's when his stories start "ex gf cheated on me", "another girl used me", "I might be moving in the future", "you deserve someone who can give you the attention and care you deserve, I can't do that right now and understand if you can't wait around" (that last one was my favorite to use btw... Because I knew the girl liked me and she would hang around and she'd actually give me credit for telling her that up front). Which is exactly what you're doing.

 

And finally the cherry on top... He hugs you tight at the bar and says he's going home to bed (wanted you to feel like he likes you but is just shot and tired and then ease your mind). Then you catch him at the 7-11 buying booze with 2 other girls. So clearly he was going out after work. Then when you confront him about it he doesn't even reply? Nothing? No explanation of excuse? No trying to calm you down and get you back?

 

That right there tells you everything you need to know. When a guy likes a girl, he will text or call you regularly. Might not be every day but he will keep the kind of communication going. When a guy likes you but wouldn't be broken up or affected if you stopped seeing one another then he does what this guy is doing. Doesn't explain his mistakes or absence. The only time he will is when either 1. He's forced to by you or confronted OR 2. He's in the mood to have a gf for the night and turns on the charm/excuses.

 

Guarantee that this guy will eventually give you this story "I just didn't know what to say or do around you since you texted me that, I had literally just walked into that 7/11 to grab a 6 pack for my house and those 2 girls were friends of my boy whose house they were going to. I didn't even go anywhere with them. And I feel awful every time you're at the bar because I just want to grab and hold you and kiss you and you look so angry at me it kills me inside"

 

Then you're all lovey fogey and forgive him and he gets laid tonight and it's good for a few days until something else happens or he pulls away again.