He won't date me because of religion?

[Redemption04]

I've posted about this guy before and theorized this was what was going on, but now I KNOW.

 

Last night the guy I'm interested and I had a 3 hour conversation. And he told me quote, "I really like you. Everything about you. Except...My faith is very important to me, and I can't date a girl who doesn't share my beliefs. And for that reason, I can't date you. As much as I want to, I can't because of that one thing and that one thing only."

 

I respect his convictions, and am impressed, and I'm not angry. But I am crushed a little inside this morning. I'm hurt. I understand, but I'm still hurt.

 

What hurts me more, is I'm not an atheist or something--I grew up in the same religion he did, and I was religious, too. I would have died for those beliefs just 3 years ago.

And then I dated a guy who was also Christian. Very seriously. Until the day he violently assaulted me. And that was the beginning of my paradigm shift. I'm now agnostic--I would love to believe there is a god, and he cares, and this isn't all just chance. But I don't know that I do anymore.

 

I'm hurting this morning. He and I have had a thing since we were 11 or so years old. And last night was really the first time, after a near miss 5 years ago, other realtionships for both of us, moving away, moving back, and just life..last night was the first time we've ever admitted to each other. We agreed that we'll still be good friends, regardless, but still. Opportunities like this don't come very often in life, and not with the person you've had a thing for half your life. But he's just going to let me go.

 

I guess I'm just venting. Guys, if a girl was perfect for you in every other way but your faith, would you just let her go like that?

 

I know--and I told him--quote, "It's okay, but what I do know, is the person I end up dating, will accept me for me. All of me, the whole package. Because I'm 100% me. And that will be enough for him."

 

What bothers me is he admitted to having seen me talk to another guy the night before at an event we were at (it was just friendly chat), and that he felt a little spike of jealousy. I feel terrible about one day when he does run into me on an actual date.

[minimariah]

i went through your older threads & i honestly think the religion card is just an excuse. i pulled that card when i just wasn't THAT into a dude... we had a thing for years and i liked him but... there was constantly something missing. do not read too much into his loving and gentle gestures, trust me.

 

folks who are super religious will pretty much tell you that right away as a reason they won't date you. he kept bullsh*tting about "it's complicated" - only to finally give you religion as a reason.

 

if a man wants you - he'll go after you. anything less is just in the "not that into you despite mixed signals" box.

 

oh and break that friendship off. you've been stuck in this situation and on this dude without being able to move on. go NC & wish him all the best. time for a life without him in it.

[Redemption04]

i went through your older threads & i honestly think the religion card is just an excuse. i pulled that card when i just wasn't THAT into a dude... we had a thing for years and i liked him but... there was constantly something missing. do not read too much into his loving and gentle gestures, trust me.

 

folks who are super religious will pretty much tell you that right away as a reason they won't date you. he kept bullsh*tting about "it's complicated" - only to finally give you religion as a reason.

 

if a man wants you - he'll go after you. anything less is just in the "not that into you despite mixed signals" box.

 

oh and break that friendship off. you've been stuck in this situation and on this dude without being able to move on. go NC & wish him all the best. time for a life without him in it.

 

 

Are you sure you didn't read the threads about the one other guy? That one is the one I'll never have answers for.

 

The thing about this guy is, as devout as he is..I really don't think it's an excuse. I could look like megan fox and he would still be saying no right now. I tick off ALL of his boxes, except this. He also is young right now--I kind of feel like a 30+ year old guy in his same situation right now would be more willing to compromise, because they have more life experience, and realize opportunities like this don't come along every day. But he is going to pass me up. And I can't help but wonder, if one day in ANOTHER 13 years, he will remember this moment. And I will be happy with someone who loves me for me, and gone.

[minimariah]

trust me when i say this... & i'm speaking from experience, as someone who was in your friend's position -- when you find the right person, nothing else matters but the feeling of it being just... RIGHT. no religion, no boxes, no Megan Fox... nothing. you know when you're ready to NOT let go of that person ever again. has nothing to do with age or compromise -- so to him, this obviously isn't an opportunity willing to risk for or work for or keep. sounds harsh -- but it is the truth. will he regret it...? probably not for the right reasons. he might regret it when he is 40 and single in the "if i knew i'd never find anyone better - i would've marry Redemption" fashion.

 

i swore up and down years ago that i would never date a vegan or a religious person. THEN, it seemed like a big deal. then i met someone who made all of that seem like a complete and irrelevant nonsense and it never even ocurred to me that i would give up on that kind of love and being loved for ANYTHING at all... let alone his food or religion preferences.

 

religion is a big deal in countries where it's damn near a crime to marry or be with someone who doesn't share your lifestyle -- but even there, folks find a way to be together.

 

so make this easier on yourself -- if he wanted you, he would have been with you. as simple as that. don't look at his gestures or words, just look at that one thing that matters the most -- does he want to be with you above everything? no. does he wants you so bad that he is willing to make some compromises? no.

 

all you need to know.

Edited August 3, 2015 by minimariah

[Chief Wiggum]

I'm a Muslim and so it may a little different with me (since my religion is a bit more strict), but I also would resist taking things further if my potential didn't share the same religious beliefs as I did.

 

Most of you may regard that as narrow-minded, but to me, it's a practical/sensible decision to make. For the long-term success (especially if we plan on starting a family), I'd find it more stable/reliable if my partner had the same lifestyle, beliefs, etc. For example, I don't drink or party - therefore it just wouldn't be sustainable if I was involved with someone who enjoyed and found it normal to do those things. I'd be a kill-joy for her.

 

However, your situation may actually be workable. Although you're an agnostic, you can still relate to him seeing as though you once (maybe still to to some extent) also believed in the same religion as him. Whatever negative experience you had with a bad person (who just happened to be a Christian), could be neutralised by by this good person that you evidently are in to.

[rosyfuture]

I am sorry you are disappointed. I am a Christian, and I will not even consider dating a man who does not share my faith. I respect him for telling you now instead of later.

[Strahatmak]

He's being explicit already no matter if it is an excuse.

 

Move on and go NC.

[minimariah]

Are you sure you didn't read the threads about the one other guy?

 

i am sure.

 

the thing is -- i understand religious views are important to many and i understand that some won't date folks who don't share those views...

 

but i feel like that isn't the right reason -- if it was, wouldn't he told you that sooner instead of telling you that things are complicated?

 

also telling you that he has feelings for you when he knows that you aren't the right partner for him... what's the point in that?

 

it really seems like an excuse when he was finally confronted about you liking him and had to give you something.

 

if the religion is the reason and a big deal -- why didn't he tell you that right away or move away from you when he had realized how different your views are?

[angel.eyes]

To be blunt, he's been telling you for at least two months that he's not interested in dating you. Arguing over why and whether his reasons make sense is irrelevant. At the end of the day he doesn't want to date you...period.

 

Accept that he doesn't see you as compatible and cut ties. Don't try to be his friend. Stop hanging out with him. None of what you're currently doing is going to convince him to date you, draw him any closer to you, or get him to want a relationship with you. It just extends your confusion and hurt. Don't torture yourself.

[writergal]

To be blunt, he's been telling you for at least two months that he's not interested in dating you. Arguing over why and whether his reasons make sense is irrelevant. At the end of the day he doesn't want to date you...period.

 

Accept that he doesn't see you as compatible and cut ties. Don't try to be his friend. Stop hanging out with him. None of what you're currently doing is going to convince him to date you, draw him any closer to you, or get him to want a relationship with you. It just extends your confusion and hurt. Don't torture yourself.

 

^^Totally agree with this post. Once a guy tells you he doesn't want to date you there's no reason to stick around as his platonic friend, hoping that he'll change his mind and see you in a romantic light. And I agree that 'religion' is just an excuse. If two people are compatible then their opposing beliefs won't get in the way of making the relationship work between them. Opposites attract all the time. But incompatible people have no business being in a relationship together because the relationship will self-destruct eventually, since incompatible people don't belong together from a common sense standpoint.

[Redemption04]

i am sure.

 

the thing is -- i understand religious views are important to many and i understand that some won't date folks who don't share those views...

 

but i feel like that isn't the right reason -- if it was, wouldn't he told you that sooner instead of telling you that things are complicated?

 

also telling you that he has feelings for you when he knows that you aren't the right partner for him... what's the point in that?

 

it really seems like an excuse when he was finally confronted about you liking him and had to give you something.

 

if the religion is the reason and a big deal -- why didn't he tell you that right away or move away from you when he had realized how different your views are?

 

I asked him that. Why he didn't just say it back in June--that THAT is the reason he doesn't want me. He said something along the lines of "I wasn't really sure how to say it, especially in a text message. This was a conversation we needed to have in person. And it really pains me." I can accept that.

 

The friend who instigated this, Saturday night, meanwhile has told him, "Dude, you're going to miss your chance. You're crazy." And I found out last night...apparently that friend likes me too. He'll never act on it out of respect for his friend, but he is the guy who apparently told him, "Date her and see if things change down the road." But he's not willing to make that compromise.

 

We get along really well, and that is what makes friendship plausible.

[HereNorThere]

I'm a staunch atheist and would not date a person who is religious. Why? Mostly because I'd have to keep my opinion to myself or risk offending them all the time. Add that in with the fact that sex makes babies and I wouldn't want to risk my children being indoctrinated if we decided to procreate.

 

In other words, religion or lack there of is a very valid concern for most people. Sure, he could be using it as an excuse, but he kinda sounds like a bigot jerk anyway so consider yourself lucky.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Not to offend anyone, but for many religion is a form of brainwashing. People who are into extreme forms of it, are probably heavily brainwashed. I'd bet other parts of his life are affected by it also.

[mrldii]

I could find a guy who was "absolutely perfect [WTF that is]" in every single aspect except one and if that 'except one' was something extremely near-and-dear to me,

 

nope...I wouldn't pursue a relationship with him, either.

 

 

There are non-negotiables in everyone's life; they're called "non-negotiables" for a reason. Reads like this may be [one of] his.

 

 

Best of luck to you, OP...

[GemmaUK]

I asked him that. Why he didn't just say it back in June--that THAT is the reason he doesn't want me.

 

 

He has been trying to weedle out of this nicely for some time now.

He didn't think of the religion option before now or figured it wouldn't work as all other gentle tactics haven't worked.

 

OP, he does not want to date you.

[xcupid]

I've posted about this guy before and theorized this was what was going on, but now I KNOW.

 

Last night the guy I'm interested and I had a 3 hour conversation. And he told me quote, "I really like you. Everything about you. Except...My faith is very important to me, and I can't date a girl who doesn't share my beliefs. And for that reason, I can't date you. As much as I want to, I can't because of that one thing and that one thing only."

 

I respect his convictions, and am impressed, and I'm not angry. But I am crushed a little inside this morning. I'm hurt. I understand, but I'm still hurt.

 

What hurts me more, is I'm not an atheist or something--I grew up in the same religion he did, and I was religious, too. I would have died for those beliefs just 3 years ago.

And then I dated a guy who was also Christian. Very seriously. Until the day he violently assaulted me. And that was the beginning of my paradigm shift. I'm now agnostic--I would love to believe there is a god, and he cares, and this isn't all just chance. But I don't know that I do anymore.

 

I'm hurting this morning. He and I have had a thing since we were 11 or so years old. And last night was really the first time, after a near miss 5 years ago, other realtionships for both of us, moving away, moving back, and just life..last night was the first time we've ever admitted to each other. We agreed that we'll still be good friends, regardless, but still. Opportunities like this don't come very often in life, and not with the person you've had a thing for half your life. But he's just going to let me go.

 

I guess I'm just venting. Guys, if a girl was perfect for you in every other way but your faith, would you just let her go like that?

 

I know--and I told him--quote, "It's okay, but what I do know, is the person I end up dating, will accept me for me. All of me, the whole package. Because I'm 100% me. And that will be enough for him."

 

What bothers me is he admitted to having seen me talk to another guy the night before at an event we were at (it was just friendly chat), and that he felt a little spike of jealousy. I feel terrible about one day when he does run into me on an actual date.

 

 

He obviously has feelings for you but he's also being smart. As hard as it is for you to accept, he did the right thing. Religious beliefs would ultimately become a huge issue in the relationship. He spared you experiencing that.

[ExpatInItaly]

So you've known each other for a very long time, and he just now tells out he wouldn't date you because of his religious beliefs?

 

I think that's part of it, but not the entire reason. If it were that, I think he would've told you that already. He'd had made it known that women who don't share his beliefs and devotion are not ideal partners for him.

 

Anyway, there's not much you can do now. He was clear. I'd put some serious distance between the two of you. Being close friends is going to be painful when one of you starts dating someone else.

[Redemption04]

Just to clarify why people are asking why he didn't tell me before religion was an issue: we knew each other as kids/emerging teenagers. His family moved to another country when we were 13-14 or so. The next time I would see him would taking the SAT, junior year of high school. The next time we'd start talking would be in between high school and college, and the mutual attraction was discovered, but his very inexperienced teenager self couldn't get out of his own way, there was a misunderstanding due to his brother, and didn't speak for 5 years. So no, he hasn't really had an opportunity to reject me for being agnostic, because until may, we hadn't really been in the same room since.

Also, I WAS religious, back in high school and college. Right up until my assault. And then, no more religion.

 

This is the first he and I have connected since I made that choice. And I don't think he knew when we first started hanging out in may, that I was no longer Christian.

I moved across the country from our town he and i were raised/went to college in. Then, I moved back. when I moved away last fall, I figured I'd never see him again. I think he thought the same. So when he found out I was back, to quote him last night, "when I found out you'd moved back and you were single..I had to try." And when he apparently was contemplating his "try" he didn't know Id left faith behind.

 

For lack of a better word, it's kind of a miracle im back. And like I told him last night, "this is it. You do understand i will probably eventually move away again, and this time never return, right?" This is basically his last chance with me, and he's going to walk away.

 

I told him "its actually kind of sad. That I could have been kind of crazy about you, and we'll never know what might have been." And he replied, "please don't talk like that. Don't talk in absolutes. Because it might not end that way. Figure out where you are with God." Basically what he told me is if I eventually did return to faith (which is something Ive Thoight of and struggled with for a year or so now), this will work out really well for him.

Edited August 3, 2015 by Redemption04

[spiderowl]

If he's that rigid about religion, then there is no point staying mentally attached to this guy. Another possibility is that he isn't as interested in you which is why he can stick to this line. I know people's religions can be very important to them and that they want to marry within their faith. I also think that religions can attract people who like certainty and rules and who are rigid. The two groups are not necessarily the same. I don't know what this guy is but if he's a rigid personality, you are better off out of it. If he is ultra religious then he will want a partner that shares his faith. Regardless of everything, he has turned down the opportunity to be with you. That's your cue to find someone who will not be so easily put off and will adore you and think himself lucky he has met you. Don't waste time on the guy you are pining over.

[HereNorThere]

Just gently remind him that if he's lying to you, he's going to hell.