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I was totally being ignored by my date in front of his friends


Strahatmak

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So I have been hanging out and dating this guy for 6-7 times already in a few weeks. He initated it. He was all physically intimated to me since the very first date.

 

Before I start, I want to say that I am not a high maintenance person. I am not a fan of morning, good night, off to home from work texting things, nor whining over in details of an office back stabbing or a driver cutting in front of me; I do somehow want to connect intellectually and slightly bit emotionally gradually when dating, not just down for fun or special activities. I am taking things slow too because of a bad experience before, so I am definitely not asking for a decision after dating someone for a few weeks.

 

So my date only shows caring when we are alone. He would asked if I wanted a drink or to rest after a long walk, or what I would like to do next after a dinner, or helped me on things, things like that. However, I was totally ignored when his friends were around. He invited me to go hang out with his friends. He had fun, then rested and had fun again, chatted with his friends, and got himself food and drinks for himself only. He said later that he wanted me to feel comfortable myself with his friends - and OMG he literatly meant it. He only introduced me to 2 of his friends out of like, 13, 14 friends of his. He didn't ask me to join in the chat when I was standing a few feets away all by myself. I was standing next to the sofa which he was lying in, occupied all three seats. He looked at me and turned his eyes away. He didn't at least tell me where to get drinks and food. He didn't introduce me to the host, too! He was asking his friends what to do next after the gathering in front of me; he told his friends he didn't want to go home! I felt like I was nobody. Seriously? When you bring a new friend - not even a date or your partner - to your friends and you put him or her aside for 4 hours, not even a word to see how he or she is holding up, not even bother looking at her?

 

He was then all talkative again when we walked home alone. I was all worked up and got him into some serious talk because I wanted to know his thought and what he was looking for. At first he said he didn't know. Then he said he was into me but wanted to know me better first and wanted me to hangout with his friends. He said he was expecting I would hang out with his friends all day long. I kind of let it be at that time, but it still bugs me because that doesn't explain his behaviors earlier. I kind of feel like we would cool down after this.

 

I am not asking him to check on me every hour, or even chat with me cause I knew there were others around; I thought I had a low expectation already - seriously guys, don't you curious if your girl is feeling comfortable with your friends and actually want her to merge in the group? At least my ex's and my guy friends did show some caring to their girls in this situation. Am I expecting too much from a date or is it his problem only?

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Sounds to me like he was being rude. I'd give that some serious reflection, bc it's not a good sign.

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fitnessfan365

Could he have been a bit more attentive to you at the hang out? Yes. But, since it's only been two weeks and you're not his GF, I'm guessing he didn't feel comfortable doing a grand introduction to everyone in his social circle. Instead, he probably wants to do it a few friends at a time.

 

1) You've got a laundry list of things you don't like.

2) You've seen him 7x in two weeks.

3) Even though you say you wouldn't expect a decision after a few weeks, you initiate a serious "what are you looking for" talk.

4) You want to cool it off when he says he wants more time to get to know you better.

 

These are not the actions of a woman who isn't high maintenance and that wants to take it slow. Especially after only a few weeks of dating. If anything, you're moving WAY too fast, and he's being the sensible one in the equation. So manage your expectations better and slow down a bit. Cut the guy some slack and allow him more time to get comfortable integrating you into his life.

Edited by fitnessfan365
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Could he have been a bit more attentive to you at the hang out? Yes. But, since it's only been two weeks and you're not his GF, I'm guessing he didn't feel comfortable doing a grand introduction to everyone in his social circle. Instead, he probably wants to do it a few friends at a time.

 

1) You've got a laundry list of things you don't like.

2) You've seen him 7x in two weeks.

3) Even though you say you wouldn't expect a decision after a few weeks, you initiate a serious "what are you looking for" talk.

4) You want to cool it off when he says he wants more time to get to know you better.

 

These are not the actions of a woman who isn't high maintenance and that wants to take it slow. Especially after only a few weeks of dating. If anything, you're moving WAY too fast, and he's being the sensible one in the equation. So manage your expectations better and slow down a bit. Cut the guy some slack and allow him more time to get comfortable integrating you into his life.

 

Sorry but I think you totally miss my point.

 

I wasn't asking him to introduce me as his gf to his friends.

 

Let me ask you this: when you are bringing a new friend of yours - NOT YOUR GF OR BF - to your own friends, do you ever give him or her a litte caring? Will you at least take a bit responsibilities that if your friend is holding up alright? I will, even if my friend is the most sociable type. I will definitely introduce the host, that is absolutely a must to the host and to my friend. I will introduce my friend like, hello everyone, this is my friend Ken; Ken, this is Amber, Betty, Cedric... if not to everyone but at least to more then are just a handful of people. Tell me why this is a "grand introduction" but not a normal socialing introduction. And I will at the very least ask how he or she is doing after a while.

 

You are only looking at my questions to him but you entirelly ignored the part that he was actually ignoring me the entire time - like I wasn't exist. And you treat not feeling comfortable to a zero acknowledgement as "high maintenance". Sorry but I truly do not understand your accusation.

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Sounds to me like he was being rude. I'd give that some serious reflection, bc it's not a good sign.

 

A friend of mine was telling me the same thing, saying that I bumped into a few who totally ignored the partners in the public.

 

Okay, I am not his gf like the other poster said and I knew it all the way, thanks for reminding me LOL. But turning his face and eyes to the other way then he saw me? Wow. You won't do this to even a friend.

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This has actually happened to me.

 

To make it worse it was an event where I thought the wives and girlfriends had been invited so I was stuck with a rowdy bunch of blokes...

 

I figured sod it. I was out and I was going to have a good time. So I did. I made a couple of great new friends that night and we speak more regularly than the chap that asked me out!

 

Life is what you make it.

 

This guy is a shmuck.

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This has actually happened to me.

 

To make it worse it was an event where I thought the wives and girlfriends had been invited so I was stuck with a rowdy bunch of blokes...

 

I figured sod it. I was out and I was going to have a good time. So I did. I made a couple of great new friends that night and we speak more regularly than the chap that asked me out!

 

Life is what you make it.

 

This guy is a shmuck.

 

I ended up making some new friends, not his friends though LOL I am not that incompatible to survive and need to scream to get attention type. I made myself comfortable in my own way, but it defeats the purpose of his intension.

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A friend of mine was telling me the same thing, saying that I bumped into a few who totally ignored the partners in the public.

 

Okay, I am not his gf like the other poster said and I knew it all the way, thanks for reminding me LOL. But turning his face and eyes to the other way then he saw me? Wow. You won't do this to even a friend.

 

That actually sounds a bit 'playa'-ish - keep you at arms length until you're mad, then throw you a breadcrumb to reel you back in (not coincidentally when the night's over and it's time to go to bed). People like that always want to keep you off balance bc that way they can exploit the push and pull and take advantage of the pull times (sparking hope/reconciliation) while pushing you back to knock you back off balance when needed. Just next him is my advice.

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That actually sounds a bit 'playa'-ish - keep you at arms length until you're mad, then throw you a breadcrumb to reel you back in (not coincidentally when the night's over and it's time to go to bed). People like that always want to keep you off balance bc that way they can exploit the push and pull and take advantage of the pull times (sparking hope/reconciliation) while pushing you back to knock you back off balance when needed. Just next him is my advice.

 

I actually have the same feeling from the start. Regardless of "I am only knowing him for 3 weeks" or "we've been only on 6 dates", I can still feel how sincere the men wants to date me, and those feelings are add up by his actions. Taking things slowly and not being sincere are two different things.

 

You are probably right on next him. He probably is cooled down, too. I don't think he can handle reflections from me if he is only looking for a fun and relaxing moment. I was a bit worked up and he was surprised; I told him my bad past experience and wanted to work on it slowly too. I worked up and brought it up only because of how he was treating me earlier and I was very confused. I don't know the "standard", but if serious talks on things not being comfortable only are still exclusive after 6 dates, I don't know what other ways I can know a date deeper or what he is thinking and expecting.

Edited by Strahatmak
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I actually have the same feeling from the start. Regardless of "I am only knowing him for 3 weeks" or "we've been only on 6 dates", I can still feel how sincere the men wants to date me, and those feelings are add up by his actions. Taking things slowly and not being sincere are two different things.

 

You are probably right on next him. He probably is cooled down, too. I don't think he can handle reflections from me if he is only looking for a fun and relaxing moment. I was a bit worked up and he was surprised; I told him my bad past experience and wanted to work on it slowly too. I worked up and brought it up only because of how he was treating me earlier and I was very confused. I don't know the "standard", but if serious talks on things not being comfortable only are still exclusive after 6 dates,

 

 

***I don't know what other ways I can know a date deeper or what he is thinking and expecting. ***

 

 

Go ahead and takes his time if he is a slow type, if he has something to deal with, if he is just indecisive... as long as I can see his seriousness and sincere. But if he is just playing games, killing times, looking for benefits...

 

Quote in asterisk -- You know by his actions and how he is treating you. Pls read my posts on bobbi's thread, it explains in more detail.

 

Right now, his ACTIONS say you are NOT a priority. Whether or not you *will* be down the road is anyone's guess.

 

I am not gonna gonna judge this guy, cause I wasn't there.

 

But clearly his actions upset you, so listen to your gut and ACT accordingly. If that means nexting him....then do it and move on.

 

Asking him about what he wants at this early stage was a futile waste of energy IMO. Of course he does not know what he wants (with you) at this stage, he just started dating you.

 

For the record though, from what you posted, I do think his behavior was rude and inconsiderate. If it had been me, and a new guy I just started dating was ignoring me the way he was, I would have left! I would not have even said anything to him, I would have just walked out and called a cab or a friend to come pick me up.

 

You teach people how to treat you and in these early stages of dating, it's crucial! Talking to him won't work, your ACTIONS will say more than all the "talks" in the world.

 

Pay attention to his actions, how he is treating you, listen and follow your own intuition, and act/respond accordingly. If your gut is screaming something seems *off* it probably is and this is not the right man for YOU.

 

Good luck hon.

Edited by katiegrl
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This is just one more reason not to have group dates in the first six months....... we relate differently to people in a group. He did nothing wrong, get over it.

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fitnessfan365
Sorry but I think you totally miss my point.

 

I wasn't asking him to introduce me as his gf to his friends.

 

Let me ask you this: when you are bringing a new friend of yours - NOT YOUR GF OR BF - to your own friends, do you ever give him or her a litte caring? Will you at least take a bit responsibilities that if your friend is holding up alright? I will, even if my friend is the most sociable type. I will definitely introduce the host, that is absolutely a must to the host and to my friend. I will introduce my friend like, hello everyone, this is my friend Ken; Ken, this is Amber, Betty, Cedric... if not to everyone but at least to more then are just a handful of people. Tell me why this is a "grand introduction" but not a normal socialing introduction. And I will at the very least ask how he or she is doing after a while.

 

You are only looking at my questions to him but you entirelly ignored the part that he was actually ignoring me the entire time - like I wasn't exist. And you treat not feeling comfortable to a zero acknowledgement as "high maintenance". Sorry but I truly do not understand your accusation.

 

I never said anything about him introducing you as his GF.

 

What I said is that since you're not his GF and have only known the guy two weeks, he probably isn't ready to introduce you to his entire social circle yet. It takes time to get comfortable integrating someone into your life. So that's why I think he is trying to introduce you to a few friends at a time and not all at once.

 

Also, the first thing I said in my post is that he could have been more attentive to you at the gathering and not ignored you like he did. He should have touched base w-you through out the night to see how you were and socialize w-you as well. But looking at it from a guy's POV, I know I personally wouldn't feel comfortable introducing a woman I'd only known two weeks to my friends. So that's what I was mainly focusing on.

 

Allow him to take his time on how and when he introduces you to all his friends since you barely know him.

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I never said anything about him introducing you as his GF.

 

What I said is that since you're not his GF and have only known the guy two weeks, he probably isn't ready to introduce you to his entire social circle yet. It takes time to get comfortable integrating someone into your life. So that's why I think he is trying to introduce you to a few friends at a time and not all at once.

 

Also, the first thing I said in my post is that he could have been more attentive to you at the gathering and not ignored you like he did. He should have touched base w-you through out the night to see how you were and socialize w-you as well. But looking at it from a guy's P?OV,

 

 

** I know I personally wouldn't feel comfortable introducing a woman I'd only known two weeks to my friends.***

 

So that's what I was mainly focusing on.

 

Allow him to take his time on how and when he introduces you to all his friends since you barely know him.

 

Quote in asterisk, fair enough.

 

But since that's how you feel (which again is FINE), then you had no business inviting her to join you and your friends in the first place.

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He did nothing wrong, get over it.

 

Let's review ....

 

  1. got himself food and drinks for himself only.
  2. He only introduced me to 2 of his friends out of like, 13, 14 friends of his.
  3. He didn't ask me to join in the chat when I was standing a few feets away all by myself.
  4. I was standing next to the sofa which he was lying in, occupied all three seats.
  5. He looked at me and turned his eyes away.
  6. He didn't at least tell me where to get drinks and food.
  7. He didn't introduce me to the host, too!

 

Is that seriously your idea of "nothing wrong?" :confused:

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Let's review ....

 

  1. got himself food and drinks for himself only.
  2. He only introduced me to 2 of his friends out of like, 13, 14 friends of his.
  3. He didn't ask me to join in the chat when I was standing a few feets away all by myself.
  4. I was standing next to the sofa which he was lying in, occupied all three seats.
  5. He looked at me and turned his eyes away.
  6. He didn't at least tell me where to get drinks and food.
  7. He didn't introduce me to the host, too!

 

Is that seriously your idea of "nothing wrong?" :confused:

 

Of course jen, I seriously shake my head sometimes reading these posts. :confused:

 

I am wondering why the hell he even invited her to "join him and his friends" in the first place. Only to ignore her and dismiss her the way he did? WTF.

 

Like I said, I would have left and called a cab. I don't tolerate shyt like that ...from any man, or anyone!

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Quote in asterisk -- You know by his actions and how he is treating you. Pls read my posts on bobbi's thread, it explains in more detail.

 

Right now, his ACTIONS say you are NOT a priority. Whether or not you *will* be down the road is anyone's guess.

 

I am not gonna gonna judge this guy, cause I wasn't there.

 

But clearly his actions upset you, so listen to your gut and ACT accordingly. If that means nexting him....then do it and move on.

 

Asking him about what he wants at this early stage was a futile waste of energy IMO. Of course he does not know what he wants (with you) at this stage, he just started dating you.

 

For the record though, from what you posted, I do think his behavior was rude and inconsiderate. If it had been me, and a new guy I just started dating was ignoring me the way he was, I would have left! I would not have even said anything to him, I would have just walked out and called a cab or a friend to come pick me up.

 

You teach people how to treat you and in these early stages of dating, it's crucial! Talking to him won't work, your ACTIONS will say more than all the "talks" in the world.

 

Pay attention to his actions, how he is treating you, listen and follow your own intuition, and act/respond accordingly. If your gut is screaming something seems *off* it probably is and this is not the right man for YOU.

 

Good luck hon.

 

Thanks.

 

I saw your other thread. I totally agree with every single word.

 

I wasn't planning to bring up the topic. No. We both had our own schedules and stuffs and I am not the crazy type who text him all the time (he initiated most of the text). I had given him enough space. I was upset and moody at that moment. It wasn't about relationship or priority but simply disrespectful. I dunno where the "high maintenance" accusation was coming from.

 

I will back out a bit; maybe he's already back out, so we will see.

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Of course jen, I seriously shake my head sometimes reading these posts. :confused:

 

I am wondering why the hell he even invited her to "join him and his friends" in the first place. Only to ignore her and dismiss her the way he did? WTF.

 

Like I said, I would have left and called a cab. I don't tolerate shyt like that ...from any man, or anyone!

 

To add -- if he asked me later what happened, I would NOT lay a guilt trip on him either. I would just tell him I was bored, and he was having so much fun, I didn't think he'd notice anyway. :)

 

Then I would pull back, and gauge his reaction... if he continued being inconsiderate, etc, I would next him.

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The only thing wrong here is that two peeps did not have sense enough to stay away from a group date in the beginning of dating.... as this played out, it became an awkward situation, and I'll admit it makes him look like a bad dude... and maybe he is. But I still think you guys are overthinking it.

 

Maybe he was confused on how to introduce her.... she's not his girlfriend yet... so maybe he clammed up? Heck, he really does not know her, they are only acquaintances.

 

I think she should just realize group dates are bad moves in the beginning (and they are both guilty here, this is an area where it takes two to tango)... I say she should let this one slide, not hold it against him, and continue dating, one-on-one for awhile.

 

This is why I have a rule, to avoid confusion like this.... like I said, the rule is, no group dates for six months.

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The only thing wrong here is that two peeps did not have sense enough to stay away from a group date in the beginning of dating.... as this played out, it became an awkward situation, and I'll admit it makes him look like a bad dude... and maybe he is. But I still think you guys are overthinking it.

 

Maybe he was confused on how to introduce her.... she's not his girlfriend yet... so maybe he clammed up? Heck, he really does not know her, they are only acquaintances.

 

I think she should just realize group dates are bad moves in the beginning (and they are both guilty here, this is an area where it takes two to tango)... I say she should let this one slide, not hold it against him, and continue dating, one-on-one for awhile.

 

This is why I have a rule, to avoid confusion like this.... like I said, the rule is, no group dates for six months.

 

So why did HE invite her?????

 

I would REALLY like to know the answer to this question!

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I never said anything about him introducing you as his GF.

 

What I said is that since you're not his GF and have only known the guy two weeks, he probably isn't ready to introduce you to his entire social circle yet. It takes time to get comfortable integrating someone into your life. So that's why I think he is trying to introduce you to a few friends at a time and not all at once.

 

Also, the first thing I said in my post is that he could have been more attentive to you at the gathering and not ignored you like he did. He should have touched base w-you through out the night to see how you were and socialize w-you as well. But looking at it from a guy's POV,

 

***I know I personally wouldn't feel comfortable introducing a woman I'd only known two weeks to my friends. So that's what I was mainly focusing on. ***

 

Allow him to take his time on how and when he introduces you to all his friends since you barely know him.

 

I would say fair enough as the other poster has said.

 

So WTH bringing me along? AGAIN, from a *friend's* perspective, if I am not sincerely introducing my friend to a group of mine, why bother? I will just go myself and enjoy the gathering or whatever.

 

This is not a meetup thing where you need to use your own social skills.

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Like I always say, only date those who treat you the way you want to be treated. He didn't fulfill your expectations by the way he treated you....don't be one of those who "waits around and see". It's a no brainer you both see this relationship or whatever you call it, differently.

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The only thing wrong here is that two peeps did not have sense enough to stay away from a group date in the beginning of dating.... as this played out, it became an awkward situation, and I'll admit it makes him look like a bad dude... and maybe he is. But I still think you guys are overthinking it.

 

Maybe he was confused on how to introduce her.... she's not his girlfriend yet... so maybe he clammed up? Heck, he really does not know her, they are only acquaintances.

 

I think she should just realize group dates are bad moves in the beginning (and they are both guilty here, this is an area where it takes two to tango)... I say she should let this one slide, not hold it against him, and continue dating, one-on-one for awhile.

 

This is why I have a rule, to avoid confusion like this.... like I said, the rule is, no group dates for six months.

 

 

Sigh, bud... then it will be ME who is inconsiderate if I rejected him.

 

All I can say is that he has no clue on what he should do with a girl who isn't official around his friends but he is expecting the girl to get used to his friends on her own, if your theory is right on this guy. Okay I dunno what I am talking about here LOL

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So why did HE invite her?????

 

I would REALLY like to know the answer to this question!

 

Me too. But I guess it isn't necessary now LOL

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Let's review ....

 

  1. got himself food and drinks for himself only.
  2. He only introduced me to 2 of his friends out of like, 13, 14 friends of his.
  3. He didn't ask me to join in the chat when I was standing a few feets away all by myself.
  4. I was standing next to the sofa which he was lying in, occupied all three seats.
  5. He looked at me and turned his eyes away.
  6. He didn't at least tell me where to get drinks and food.
  7. He didn't introduce me to the host, too!

 

Is that seriously your idea of "nothing wrong?" :confused:

 

Like I am saying it in almost every thread: would you treat a friend like this?

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