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Just being jealous?


Mendalore

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Hi Everyone! This looks like a great place you have here. I've lurked for a little bit, but finally decided to join up. Hope you're in the mood for a long one; this may take a while!

 

I'll start off by giving a little bit of background and backstory before asking my question at the very end.

 

I'm a 31yo male. Very assertive in non-romantic environments, but was always a little shy with the ladies when it came to "closing." I actually JUST lost my virginity earlier this year with the help of a friend of mine. Just took it as two consenting adults having a bit of fun with no strings and we're mature enough to handle it as such.

 

That was back in January. Did it a couple times and just moved on normally with our friendships. Doing that really helped me with my confidence and I actually started dating someone a few months ago. It's actually my best friend's sister (he encouraged it). We had met 5 years or so ago, but she was in college, a little immature for me and I didn't know my friend that well yet. When I first asked her out, she was excited about it and had the most perfect date you could imagine. We met downtown and just roamed around the city aimlessly for hours talking and talking. She's interested in what I have to say; we're being flirty back and forth; it's a fantastic time. She's so smart; we were talking about everything from quantum physics to kierkegaard and everything in between. Ended the night by grabbing a quick bite at a local noodle shop, we went back to her car, she gave me a lift to mine. I told her to get out so we could say goodbye properly and I planted on one her in a dimly lit alley. Romantic as heck and for a couple days we kept talking about our cases of the butterflies.

 

I was away on a business trip for 7 days and she was on a camping trip, so we didn't get to see each other again for 10 days or so. We were texting incessantly pretty much the whole time. When I get back, I go meet her at her house and we listed to some music, watch some cartoons and have some pretty nice sex. She's very open and explorative, sexually and that turns me on. She's a bit critical of herself, but she comfortable in her own body. We've been great together in bed and we've had fun doing things like playing tennis, riding bikes, taking walks, cooking together and trying restaurants. She prefers to stay in vs going out, but that's really just her nature.

 

I'm rambling. I'll try to make a long story short(er?).

 

As far as the balance of power goes in the relationship; she's very independent and somewhat introverted, but she likes the guy to be the more dominant side making decisions, etc. I've struggled with some ambivalence here and there, but I'm getting a lot better about being more decisive.

 

We have a lot of shared interests, but we also have a lot of varied interests and I love learning things from her. Sometimes, though, it feels like I'm not getting the chance to educate her as much and that makes me seem less interesting. When learning from her, I'm very engaged and interested, but it's like she's doing the legwork.

 

I feel a very strong connection to her and I think that I'm one down since I'm more emotionally invested than she is at this time. The person with the most power is often the one who has less to lose.

 

There's been some situations that I've overanalyzed; for example, there were a couple nights where I had some ED, but that was resolved by relaxing, quitting smoking, going a little more slowly (more foreplay) and a couple supplements. I accidentally let an "I love you" slip one morning about a month and change into the relationship, but we recovered from that the same day. Most recently, we had plans to go to a concert, but she canceled on my with a statement of "I just want to be alone." Being an introvert, this makes complete sense to me. She's been dealing with her father who has cancer (in remission now), her grandmother who just lost her husband and some other things. Every night she wasn't with one of them, she was with me and just needed a breather. I left her alone for a full 4 days and she texted me the following Sunday. Since then we've not been texting anywhere near as much, which has been actually a blessing because it gives us more to talk about when we're together.

 

As the relationship has progressed, I can't help but get the feeling that things are slowing down. Due to my inexperience, I'm not sure if this is just how relationships go and things are just calming down or if she's becoming disinterested, bored or whatever else.

 

Fast forward to this past weekend. Her family has a summer place on the lake. She, her father, her brothers, a few other friends and I went up there this past weekend. Everyone in our group knew that we're seeing each other (I found out at the end of the weekend that even her dad knew. Eep. He's a great guy, but can be really imposing when he wants to be, so I feel good about us getting along well.), but she told me there'd be no canoodling, groping or kissing while we're up there even if no one could see. I assumed that'd be the case, simply out of respect, so I basically did my own thing. I just focused on relaxing and hanging out with my friends.

 

Here's the thing, though. I felt pretty much ignored for the whole weekend. We only talked briefly a few times. She was busy a lot cooking meals, cleaning up the place, doing chores for her dad, mowing the lawn, napping, etc. The few times I caught her relaxing, I just let her be, reading her book, napping, or whatever. She's a very, very giving person and is willing to help anyone at the drop of a hat. I offered to help with random tasks she had to do, but she declined mostly. Any conversation we had was very brief and to the point.

 

I was good just shrugging this off, but over the weekend, she started getting awfully focused on our one mutual friend. Everything became him, him, him. If we were talking about something, she'd single him out and ask him what he thought. They'd be talking about things and she'd be really interested in what he had to say. Her body language gravitated towards him. She was getting kind of hands-on with him, like, touching his back as she walked by, picking at his leg hair in a playful way (she does this to her brothers, though, too), sitting next to him on the boat, etc. Normally, if she's cooking something or making a drink, it'd be "here try this" or "what should I do about that." All those questions went to him instead of me. If he wasn't around she'd ask "Where's {his name}?"

 

During the ride back this weekend, it was him, her and me in the same car. It was pretty quiet for most of the ride back, but even then most of the conversation was centered around and directed at him. I seriously felt like a hardcore third wheel. I was sitting shotgun and missed a turn at one point while I was busy playing DJ with the music. After I did that, pretty much everything I said was discounted for the remainder of the ride. She was frustrated and turned on her GPS even though I knew the way and she asked him for every single turn back home.

 

That was humiliating.

 

So, basically, what my question is, is am I just being jealous or insecure or do I have something to worry about? I'm not sure if she's just being naturally playful and she didn't want to be that way with me to avoid appearing like a couple or if she's legitimately into him rather than me. Is it just my ego that's bruised? If she didn't want to be that way with me, why was it that way to be OK with him? For as much time as we've spent together, it's mostly been one on one and not in small groups, so I'm not sure if this is normal or not.

 

I plan on bringing this up to her next time I see her. Not going to bring it up via text.

 

Feel free to move this into the subforum if it's better-placed there.

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She is dumping you, very slowly. Dude it's pretty obvious she wants to move on....this is the conversation you need to have with her...."Should we stop seeing each other?".

Edited by smackie9
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It's weird, though, because we got together last week and everything was 100% fine. I mean, we played tennis, ate dinner, she gave me a bath and a massage, I gave her a massage and we went at it like rabbits. It's just like a switch was thrown and she was immediately distant.

I'd rather not phrase it that way because then it sounds like I want to break up, which, really, I'd rather not do. I really want answers, but I don't want to send them via text and we don't talk on the phone. When I hugged her goodbye last night, I told her to text me today, so I'm waiting to hear from her.

If I phrase it just in terms of "hey, where are we at?" I'll bring up my concerns and we can talk through them. What if she says we're good? Should I just rely on my gut to see if it's true or just bull****?

I also want to avoid appearing insecure; not sure how I can do that by posing these questions...

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I really want to send a "are you still interested" text, but I really, really think that's a bad idea.

 

EDIT: Maybe I can just be upfront about it like "Hey, not to come off as insecure, but I feel a little weird after this weekend. Is everything ok?" or "Hey, I had a good time this weekend, but I got some weird vibes from you. Is everything OK?"

 

Should I send that as a text? Honestly, I'm not sure I can stand waiting...

Edited by Mendalore
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StalwartMind

While I agree that there seems to be some kind of disconnect, which typically does happen when someone lose interest, my initial thought reading all this is that you perhaps overthink things and underestimate yourself too. While every gut reaction in me would think something is up, I also know that I prefer not to assume things about others. If it was me, I'd confront her with how you perceived the whole ordeal, listen to her reaction. Tell her your feelings in the same way you wrote here, about how her attention was directed at someone, who wasn't you.

 

On a completely separate note, I just feel like you actually would be much better off with someone else, but that's my intuition. You seem composed enough but when it comes to relationship, your assertiveness takes a bit of a back seat. We all want different things, that's as it should be, but if someone fails to communicate their needs, desires or what they think, then that's where there is a problem. I would like I said confront her, no reason to torture yourself with "what ifs", get the answer, but also expect if she's losing interest she may dodge or give you unsatisfying answers, which should only increase suspicions.

 

A healthy couple can communicate things, especially without the need to get upset or react negatively. Some people hold on to things, until "they've secured" replacement, gladly while they are dating/in relationship with someone. Not to go all doom and gloom on you, but it seems like you aren't being given the attention, which you humbly deserve. Again for all we know, she may just be very "outgoing" and will focus on whatever her social mind is set to. There are always possibilities that we may not be able to predict or calculate, I'll happily admit that I still get things wrong about people, that I otherwise thought was not the case. Truth to be said, there are people who do things for reasons we simply are not familiar with, no matter what anyone's expertise or experience is.

 

Do yourself the favor of finding a good way to present your thoughts, without being rude, pushy, but at the same time also applying your otherwise assertiveness into a valid questioning of her behavior. The best way to understand someone is to inquire, waste as little time as possible with someone who may be wrong for you. No matter what you both deserve happiness, even if it ends up meaning you won't be together. Someone out there would gladly appreciate what you have to offer, experienced or not, there are many like yourself around your age too.

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I really want to send a "are you still interested" text, but I really, really think that's a bad idea.

 

EDIT: Maybe I can just be upfront about it like "Hey, not to come off as insecure, but I feel a little weird after this weekend. Is everything ok?" or "Hey, I had a good time this weekend, but I got some weird vibes from you. Is everything OK?"

 

Should I send that as a text? Honestly, I'm not sure I can stand waiting...

How about this...."we need to talk....." then proceed to say "I couldn't help but notice that.......which led me to feel that maybe we are not on the same page.......

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ExpatInItaly
I really want to send a "are you still interested" text, but I really, really think that's a bad idea.

 

EDIT: Maybe I can just be upfront about it like "Hey, not to come off as insecure, but I feel a little weird after this weekend. Is everything ok?" or "Hey, I had a good time this weekend, but I got some weird vibes from you. Is everything OK?"

 

Should I send that as a text? Honestly, I'm not sure I can stand waiting...

 

Don't send these questions by text. Have a chat in person. Why don't you two talk on the phone?

 

And for what it's worth, I don't think you're being overly sensitive. She seems to be losing interest. It is odd to me that she wanted so little interaction with you during this weekend at the lake, especially since everyone knows you're seeing each other. I can understand not wanting to get physical around her brothers and dad, but her request to keep distance even when nobody could see is concerning.

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Thanks for all the well-thought-out responses, everyone!

While I agree that there seems to be some kind of disconnect, which typically does happen when someone lose interest, my initial thought reading all this is that you perhaps overthink things and underestimate yourself too. While every gut reaction in me would think something is up, I also know that I prefer not to assume things about others. If it was me, I'd confront her with how you perceived the whole ordeal, listen to her reaction. Tell her your feelings in the same way you wrote here, about how her attention was directed at someone, who wasn't you.

 

On a completely separate note, I just feel like you actually would be much better off with someone else, but that's my intuition. You seem composed enough but when it comes to relationship, your assertiveness takes a bit of a back seat. We all want different things, that's as it should be, but if someone fails to communicate their needs, desires or what they think, then that's where there is a problem. I would like I said confront her, no reason to torture yourself with "what ifs", get the answer, but also expect if she's losing interest she may dodge or give you unsatisfying answers, which should only increase suspicions.

 

A healthy couple can communicate things, especially without the need to get upset or react negatively. Some people hold on to things, until "they've secured" replacement, gladly while they are dating/in relationship with someone. Not to go all doom and gloom on you, but it seems like you aren't being given the attention, which you humbly deserve. Again for all we know, she may just be very "outgoing" and will focus on whatever her social mind is set to. There are always possibilities that we may not be able to predict or calculate, I'll happily admit that I still get things wrong about people, that I otherwise thought was not the case. Truth to be said, there are people who do things for reasons we simply are not familiar with, no matter what anyone's expertise or experience is.

 

Do yourself the favor of finding a good way to present your thoughts, without being rude, pushy, but at the same time also applying your otherwise assertiveness into a valid questioning of her behavior. The best way to understand someone is to inquire, waste as little time as possible with someone who may be wrong for you. No matter what you both deserve happiness, even if it ends up meaning you won't be together. Someone out there would gladly appreciate what you have to offer, experienced or not, there are many like yourself around your age too.

 

Yeah, definitely going to bring it up at some point. Up until this weekend and when we're together, alone, she gives me SOOOOO much attention. That's why I'm somewhat thinking that she's just grooving with other people for a change since she gives me a ton of attention when we're together. Even if that "grooving" means talking to a different guy and seeming enraptured in everything he's freaking saying (jealousy outlet, blegh)

 

I was in a 50 mile bicycle race last weekend. I stayed over at her place since it's closer to the starting line. She woke up before me and made me eggs, bacon and coffee. She's SUCH a sweetheart. Then, after tennis, like I said before, she drew a bath and we bathed together. We just talked and she washed me. It was outstanding.

 

You're correct about the assertiveness, but that's one of the things I like about being with her. She makes me want to improve myself so I can become who I want to be. I don't want to be a needy person because I'm not. That's not me, but these insecurities do jump in from time to time.

 

How about this...."we need to talk....." then proceed to say "I couldn't help but notice that.......which led me to feel that maybe we are not on the same page.......

 

Ahhh, the dreaded "we need to talk." I like it, but maybe only in person, not via text.

 

Don't send these questions by text. Have a chat in person. Why don't you two talk on the phone?

 

And for what it's worth, I don't think you're being overly sensitive. She seems to be losing interest. It is odd to me that she wanted so little interaction with you during this weekend at the lake, especially since everyone knows you're seeing each other. I can understand not wanting to get physical around her brothers and dad, but her request to keep distance even when nobody could see is concerning.

 

How can I play it off in the meantime until we see each other next? I'm assuming we WILL see each other again, but I've got this gloom and doom mindset at the moment. I told her to text me today when I saw her last night. She hasn't texted me yet today, I'm assuming she may either near lunch or later this afternoon. Should I pre-emptively send her something? I hate to do that after telling HER to text ME.

 

We both just genuinely don't like talking on the phone. I'm the same way with everyone, pretty much. Talking on the phone has the worst parts of texting and in person wrapped up into one. Not as much time to think before you say something and lack of physical response.

 

How can I initiate a text string that implies that "we need to talk" without saying "we need to talk?" I want to get together with her to discuss, but I'm don't want to play it off as if everything is fine with a normal sort of "Good Morning!" text.

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I will and I'll see what happens.

 

"Looking forward to a little you and me time after this weekend. Want to get together tomorrow night?

 

Blargh. This sucks... :(

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I will and I'll see what happens.

 

"Looking forward to a little you and me time after this weekend. Want to get together tomorrow night?

 

Blargh. This sucks... :(

Why does it suck? Nothing has happened.....be positive.

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Yeah, you're right. Stopping with the brooding now.

 

Expecting the worst, hoping for the best. Coping mechanism.

 

Hard not feeling a little anxious.

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You should just come clean, be honest, and tell her you really like her, but you aren't sure how she feels. Tell her you know you dropped the L-Bomb too soon and it was an accident. You were just caught up in the moment, you have a huge crush on her, and were feeling some strong feelings for her at that second, that it just slipped out.

 

Hesitation will tell you everything. If she has to hesitate, she's not feeling the same way. Be a good sport, chalk it up to lack of experience, and above all else, offer to stay friends if she wants to end it. She is your friend's sister!

 

If you love something, set it free...

and all that.

 

I'm sorry you prematurely said the L word. It's hard to recover from that. It's one of those things that once you say it you can't take it back and a lot of women put on a pair of Nikes when it happens.

 

If you talk to her about it, there's a chance at saving it. If you act like it didn't happen the result will probably not be good. People like honesty and you have to talk about the white elephant in the room and resolve it, or else he'll crush you.

 

Leave her brother OUT of it. I've been in his shoes. He doesn't want to know.

Edited by dpn4u
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Yeah, that's the plan. Thank you for putting it so eloquently.

 

We're over the L-word bit. We talked about that at length. For a minute I was ****ting myself over it pretty badly. I calmly explained that I think the world would be a better place if more people knew they were cared about and that wasn't some sort of grandiose declaration of love or anything like that.

 

Definitely leaving her brother out of it, but he actually polled me on why were both seemed to have force fields around each other all weekend. I filled him in and got some insight, but I'm not going to talk to him on the phone analyzing it with him for hours.

 

What I meant by confronting *him* was the guy to which she was paying attention. He's a relatively close friend of mine. Knowing him, he's not looking to steal her away or get into any sort of relationship, but he *does* really like attention of any sort, so I'm assuming he was just riding the self confidence/pay attention to me wave.

 

When we first starting dating, I actually gushed about her to him a little bit and when I said "She's beautiful" (which, she is drop-dead gorgeous imho) he was kind of like "Eh, yeah, she's cute..."

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This is basically my plan of attack. Not verbatim, obviously, but I played out how the conversation might go in my head and whipped up a summation of what I want to say.

 

Thoughts? Too needy? Well-thought-out? Horrible?

 

Wanted to talk to you about something...

 

I really, really like you, but I'm having a tough time reading you sometimes. It's been a while since we've talked about *US*. I just wanted to make sure we're on the same page.

 

I've noticed a slight distance lately. Is that just stress and being busy, like, life getting back to normal after the first couple months where we were really excited about each other?

 

I had a good time this weekend relaxing with everyone. I know there's no canoodling or anything, so I figured we'd just do our own things. I got this weird feeling, though, of not only physical distance between us, but emotional as well. At the risk of sounding needy, it made me feel a little uncomfortable at some points. Those points being when [REDACTED], [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] mentioned to me that they noticed we seemed distant. Did you just want to keep things under wraps because it makes you uncomfortable? It seemed like you were having a great time with [REDACTED] and everyone else. Most of the time we've had together has been one on one, so I don't really know how you are in larger groups of people.

 

I'm not looking to really change anything, but I wanted to just discuss what's normal and pick your brain a little bit. I got the vibe that you needed some space, so I backed off a little bit, but I'm not sure if I backed off too much. I'm very much still interested in this relationship. I think we have a lot of potential and that it's worth working on anything that needs work.

 

Any change I'd want to make would be to better myself and craft myself into the person I want and deserve to be for myself. That's why I'd like feedback from you.

 

If you have concerns, I want to get them out into the open so we can talk about them and see how, and if, we want to proceed.

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LoveRefreshed

I would say to just be direct. In person.

 

Something along the lines of:

 

"It seems you have a crush on JIMBO (Friend), and would rather be with him. At least that was the feeling I got after you ignored me this last weekend."

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I'd rather not lead off with that. She may have been legitimately just having fun.

 

How about.

 

"I want to talk." "You've seemed distant lately. I want to know why." Then just let it go from there.

 

When I actually put this in practice I want to do the best I can to be concise and to the point. One-Two sentence lead-ins, saying things like "I want" rather than "I need" or coming off like "Is everything ok, hunny *whinewhine*"

 

I'm almost thinking about not bringing up the other guy unless we're somewhere common and it happens again.

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LoveRefreshed

Okay, true I guess. Though I have had gfs not hesitate to call me out like that.

 

 

At any rate, I'd be direct with it. Don't just ask her how she is feels about the relationship. You need to tell her how you feel. And frankly, in that situation, I'd feel disrespected.

 

That is the most glaring issue that I read, but yeah, I can understand if you don't want to say that. That seems "insecure", but I am not very insecure in my life, so I have no problems calling it out when I see it. Just don't muddle around with it and not say what you really mean or feel... because then it gets worse.

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If I feel the need to bring up the flirtation, I'll bring up the disrespect for sure, because that's how I felt.

 

I suspect, though, that there is something else going on which is at the root. "Flirtation" may have been a grasp for attention from anyone willing to provide it since she wasn't getting it from me due to her self-imposed rules for the weekend.

 

I'm even willing to give up on the "disrespect" part of the drive home where I caused us to miss a turn (we were on the highway and the next exit was 15+ miles) because respect needs to be earned and I blew that instance. I'll take my lumps for that one.

 

I'd rather treat the disease vs the symptom.

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LoveRefreshed

The first girl I feel in love with was a raging cheater. She cheated her BFs with me and others. Long story on why I had an emotion for her that I'll skip.

 

So I tend to err on the side of skepticism and cynicism. I'd wonder if she hasn't always had feelings for this other friend. Her self imposed rules were set specifically not to discourage the friend. Just my view on it. That is why I specifically brought up that point.

 

Anyway man, I really wish you luck! Be strong! Be sincere and firm with how you feel. Say it with conviction.

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So I shot her a text yesterday afternoon and haven't heard back yet. How long should I wait it out before following up again and/or what should I do if I don't hear back period?

 

I made plans to go out with some guy friends tonight on the assumption that she won't get back to me. If she gets back to me early today I'll cancel, but if it gets to be 5:30 and I haven't heard back I'm thinking I shouldn't cancel my friends, just reply stating "I didn't hear back from you, so I went out for a beer with sos-and-sos." Do you think that's a bad idea?

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LoveRefreshed

Depends on how bad you want to talk with her. If it hits 3, I wouldn't cancel my plans. I'd tell her I made other plans (and I wouldn't tell her what they were) and then go do it.

Good luck friend.

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I want to talk to her pretty badly, but I don't want to come off as needy.

 

This is a tough balance between asserting my needs and being firm and coming off as needy. It could be construed either way.

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ExpatInItaly
I want to talk to her pretty badly, but I don't want to come off as needy.

 

This is a tough balance between asserting my needs and being firm and coming off as needy. It could be construed either way.

 

Go out with your friends. She's either busy or choosing not to communicate with you. You don't need to send a follow-up text. If she gets back to you later, let her know you assumed she was tied up so you went out with your buddies. This isn't a big deal. You can't be expected to wait around for her; you have a life to live too.

 

But you will still need to set a time to meet with her in person and talk. If you sense she's avoiding this, then you have your answers.

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