Round and Around We Go

[SpiritDancer]

Hi,

 

I'm just looking for a little advice. I've been dating this guy. Not long. 3 weeks but in those 3 weeks we had in excess of 10 dates. It was going well. Then one night I was staying at his and we got a little closer than we had previously (no sex) and in the morning I could tell there was something off with him. Sure enough a few hours later I got a text that said he needed to talk. I go around to his, we talk. He goes on about how his head is all over the place and he's got issues and doesn't want to burden me. I told him if his only problem was worried about me handling his problems that I could in fact handle them. He seemed relieved by that and said he didn't want to end what we had going. He wanted me to stay that night but I couldn't and left, I went back to his the next day and again he wanted me to stay but he knew I couldn't as we both had to work early the next morning and the logistics just weren't going to work.

 

He was due to go out with his friends on Friday night, he decided not to and asked if I wanted to go out for something to eat. I agreed and we went. We went back to his and we were sitting on the sofa and then all of a sudden I noticed a change in his body language. I said "Are you alright" he said "yeah" two seconds later I said "Do you want me to go?" and he said "No" then we sat in uncomfortable silence for a few minutes until he said "I have to be honest I don't know what I want"

 

Now let me give you some of his back story. He suffers from a range of problems which include depression, anxiety and unable to sleep at night. He also just broke up with his ex in May and he works with her. In fact on Thursday night he told me he wasn't looking forward to work the next day because she would be there. I don't know what happened between them because I don't really care but it appears like she f**cked him over quite a bit. I felt sorry for him.

 

Now back to Friday night. He said "I have to be honest I don't know how I feel" and I said "What do you mean?"

 

Him: "I feel panicky"

 

Me: "About what?"

 

Him: "Us. I didn't feel anything when we were kissing just now"

 

Now bare in mind this is probably over the 10th date (I lost track) and we've kissed a few times and also bare in mind that now he's fighting back the tears and I can see them.

 

Me: "Right, you just realized this?"

 

Him: "I'm sorry... I just don't know...My head is all over the place, I don't want to muck you around. It doesn't feel right"

 

I got up at that point and got ready to leave all the while he's saying "I'm attracted to you, your attractive, you get me, your affectionate, I like that... It just doesn't feel right" (He's still fighting back the tears here)

 

I put my jacket on and walk to the door, he follows I open the door "He says "I'm sorry" I look at him and can visibly see the tears in this guys eyes and I walk about without a word.

 

Is this not just the most confusing guy you've ever met?

 

My twenty minute drive home just gets me annoyed. I leave it an hour before being unable not to text him anymore. I deleted the texts and can't remember exactly what I said but it was something like "You didn't know before all the dates that you weren't attracted to me or didn't feel anything" then he said he had and he couldn't explain how he was feeling.

 

I did honestly like this guy, he was amusing and I like amusing people (and his body wasn't all that bad either) but seriously, he's all over the place. Anyone any ideas on what this guy wants/wanted because i'm seriously out of ideas.

[Lois_Griffin]

Honestly? You dodged a huge bullet. You just don't know it yet.

 

The guy is an emotional mess. He's got tons of baggage, all kinds of emotional disorders, and he's on the rebound.

 

You may not see it now, but he did you a huge favor. He's not over his ex-girlfriend yet and will probably act like a blubbering mess around her at work, too.

 

Seriously. He did you a favor.

[elaine567]

Agree with Lois, he is not over his ex and is just not ready to date.

It may take him a long time.

You don't want to be in the middle of all that.

He did you a massive favour.

[SpiritDancer]

Honestly? You dodged a huge bullet. You just don't know it yet.

 

The guy is an emotional mess. He's got tons of baggage, all kinds of emotional disorders, and he's on the rebound.

 

You may not see it now, but he did you a huge favor. He's not over his ex-girlfriend yet and will probably act like a blubbering mess around her at work, too.

 

Seriously. He did you a favor.

 

Agree with Lois, he is not over his ex and is just not ready to date.

It may take him a long time.

You don't want to be in the middle of all that.

He did you a massive favour.

 

Thanks for the replies. I know he's not over his ex but the annoying thing is I said that to him early on and he was like "I don't want anything to do with her, I've told my work to move me so I don't have to work with her anymore" I did say you're not over her and he was adamant he was. I just hate being played. I got the impression he wanted his ex more than she wanted him. Guess she probably couldn't cope with his baggage.

 

I could see his emotional issues being an issue in time, I'm just all about honesty and wish he'd been more honest. If we wasn't such an emotional wreck I'm pretty sure we could have worked out. We were practically the same person (minus the emotional problems) and had a lot in common but yeah, I probably dodged a bullet. There's a reason this other girl left him and I probably don't want to know what it is.

Edited August 2, 2015 by SpiritDancer

[kendahke]

I said but it was something like "You didn't know before all the dates that you weren't attracted to me or didn't feel anything" then he said he had and he couldn't explain how he was feeling.

I did honestly like this guy, he was amusing and I like amusing people (and his body wasn't all that bad either) but seriously, he's all over the place. Anyone any ideas on what this guy wants/wanted because i'm seriously out of ideas.

 

I think he was trying too much too soon. He's been broken up barely 2 months and at best, all you were going to amount to was a rebound. He was using you as a distraction to try to erase his ex and it isn't working because he sees her everyday at work. Until he leaves that job, he's going to be stuck in place. He's got a ton of things he needs to resolve within himself and he probably came to the realization that no matter how great a girl you are, you are not the answer to what ails him.

 

He at least he didn't pump and dump you. He did tell you to your face that he couldn't do this, which is a damb site more than 90% of the people posting on this site get. Gotta give him points for courage and integrity there.

[SpiritDancer]

To be honest with you all I'm worried about this guys mental health more than anything. He works in a job where he shouldn't have this amount of health issues. It's a pretty demanding job and I wonder why he hasn't been picked up on. I mean I picked up on everything after meeting him once. How his bosses haven't I'll never know.

[Redhead14]

Hi,

 

I'm just looking for a little advice. I've been dating this guy. Not long. 3 weeks but in those 3 weeks we had in excess of 10 dates. It was going well. Then one night I was staying at his and we got a little closer than we had previously (no sex) and in the morning I could tell there was something off with him. Sure enough a few hours later I got a text that said he needed to talk. I go around to his, we talk. He goes on about how his head is all over the place and he's got issues and doesn't want to burden me. I told him if his only problem was worried about me handling his problems that I could in fact handle them. He seemed relieved by that and said he didn't want to end what we had going. He wanted me to stay that night but I couldn't and left, I went back to his the next day and again he wanted me to stay but he knew I couldn't as we both had to work early the next morning and the logistics just weren't going to work.

 

He was due to go out with his friends on Friday night, he decided not to and asked if I wanted to go out for something to eat. I agreed and we went. We went back to his and we were sitting on the sofa and then all of a sudden I noticed a change in his body language. I said "Are you alright" he said "yeah" two seconds later I said "Do you want me to go?" and he said "No" then we sat in uncomfortable silence for a few minutes until he said "I have to be honest I don't know what I want"

 

Now let me give you some of his back story. He suffers from a range of problems which include depression, anxiety and unable to sleep at night. He also just broke up with his ex in May and he works with her. In fact on Thursday night he told me he wasn't looking forward to work the next day because she would be there. I don't know what happened between them because I don't really care but it appears like she f**cked him over quite a bit. I felt sorry for him.

 

Now back to Friday night. He said "I have to be honest I don't know how I feel" and I said "What do you mean?"

 

Him: "I feel panicky"

 

Me: "About what?"

 

Him: "Us. I didn't feel anything when we were kissing just now"

 

Now bare in mind this is probably over the 10th date (I lost track) and we've kissed a few times and also bare in mind that now he's fighting back the tears and I can see them.

 

Me: "Right, you just realized this?"

 

Him: "I'm sorry... I just don't know...My head is all over the place, I don't want to muck you around. It doesn't feel right"

 

I got up at that point and got ready to leave all the while he's saying "I'm attracted to you, your attractive, you get me, your affectionate, I like that... It just doesn't feel right" (He's still fighting back the tears here)

 

I put my jacket on and walk to the door, he follows I open the door "He says "I'm sorry" I look at him and can visibly see the tears in this guys eyes and I walk about without a word.

 

Is this not just the most confusing guy you've ever met?

 

My twenty minute drive home just gets me annoyed. I leave it an hour before being unable not to text him anymore. I deleted the texts and can't remember exactly what I said but it was something like "You didn't know before all the dates that you weren't attracted to me or didn't feel anything" then he said he had and he couldn't explain how he was feeling.

 

I did honestly like this guy, he was amusing and I like amusing people (and his body wasn't all that bad either) but seriously, he's all over the place. Anyone any ideas on what this guy wants/wanted because i'm seriously out of ideas.

 

Some men will become really stressed when they feel that they are getting closer to a woman emotionally and say just about everything this guy said. If he has a history of being hurt and this guy did very recently -- In fact on Thursday night he told me he wasn't looking forward to work the next day because she would be there. I don't know what happened between them because I don't really care but it appears like she f**cked him over quite a bit. I felt sorry for him. -- getting close to another woman while still getting over another, will cause him to feel guilty.

 

You cannot "help" him and feeling sorry for him will in fact, cause him to pull away even more. You would need a ton of patience with this guy.

 

He's been feeling lonely after his break up and sure, he wants and needs the company of a woman, but he is not emotionally capable, yet, of getting deeper with a woman. It will take quite some time. You can date him casually if you want to see if it will work, but don't put pressure on him or expect very much from him for a long time. Date others. He's emotionally unavailable right now.

[SpiritDancer]

Some men will become really stressed when they feel that they are getting closer to a woman emotionally and say just about everything this guy said. If he has a history of being hurt and this guy did very recently -- In fact on Thursday night he told me he wasn't looking forward to work the next day because she would be there. I don't know what happened between them because I don't really care but it appears like she f**cked him over quite a bit. I felt sorry for him. -- getting close to another woman while still getting over another, will cause him to feel guilty.

 

You cannot "help" him and feeling sorry for him will in fact, cause him to pull away even more. You would need a ton of patience with this guy.

 

He's been feeling lonely after his break up and sure, he wants and needs the company of a woman, but he is not emotionally capable, yet, of getting deeper with a woman. It will take quite some time. You can date him casually if you want to see if it will work, but don't put pressure on him or expect very much from him for a long time. Date others. He's emotionally unavailable right now.

 

On the Thursday when he had his first wobble I said I wasn't looking to get in a relationship and was willing to take it as slow as he wanted. He said he was worried that I might want more than he was ready to give and I assured him that I didn't. I honestly think the ex found out he was dating and was jealous and he couldn't handle it.

[xcupid]

This guy isn't emotionally ready or emotionally available for a relationship. Lots of red flags here. Heed them. Based on what you've said it sounds like he might benefit from professional help.

[oberkeat]

My professional opinion is that this guy is a loser. He seems completely awkward and unpleasant to be around. Forget him and find yourself a real man who doesn't have these emotional issues.

[preraph]

He's not over his ex yet. And he probably won't be as long as he keeps working with her. Also, you said he has anxiety problems, so that's compounding everything. I feel sorry for him to, but it's not a good situation for you to be in and unless something changes drastically, like him getting a new job, I think I'd move on.

[SpiritDancer]

Hi Everyone,

 

Thanks for the replies. I didn't point out earlier but at least 6 of these dates ended with me staying the whole night in his bed, we never had sex but at his insistence we cuddled. I'm not a big on cuddles but I obliged because sometimes I can stand them. I really fail to believe he didn't feel anything or know in that time and the fact he took so long is what keeps getting me annoyed.

 

But thanks for all your opinions. Big help in filing it away in the "it happened, walk away" folder.

 

[Redhead14]

Hi Everyone,

 

Thanks for the replies. I didn't point out earlier but at least 6 of these dates ended with me staying the whole night in his bed, we never had sex but at his insistence we cuddled. I'm not a big on cuddles but I obliged because sometimes I can stand them. I really fail to believe he didn't feel anything or know in that time and the fact he took so long is what keeps getting me annoyed.

 

But thanks for all your opinions. Big help in filing it away in the "it happened, walk away" folder.

 

 

Emotionally unavailable men still want and need the company of a woman at times. However, some EU men cannot even engage in sex because of the intimacy level. They are afraid of intimacy on any level. They often have trouble with ED because of it and will even avoid having sex. He may have had feelings for you. He did like and care about you but that gets overwhelming to them and pull away. And, even if they have an ex that they had feelings for, they weren't even emotionally engaged with them either and they experience guilt over that. Again, they know they can't be what a woman needs, they still seek that attention knowing all that and when the woman gets hurt, they feel guilty.

 

You'll be fine when you realize this man was "giving it all he's got" maybe and just isn't the guy for you or anyone. Even if he finds someone to have a long-term relationship with, the relationship will be unhealthy and the woman he is with will be bringing issues of her own into it because if she stays with him, she's emotionally unhappy herself. She'll likely be co-dependent.

[katiegrl]

Thanks for the replies. I know he's not over his ex but the annoying thing is I said that to him early on and he was like "I don't want anything to do with her, I've told my work to move me so I don't have to work with her anymore" I did say you're not over her and he was adamant he was. I just hate being played. I got the impression he wanted his ex more than she wanted him. Guess she probably couldn't cope with his baggage.

 

I could see his emotional issues being an issue in time, I'm just all about honesty and wish he'd been more honest. If we wasn't such an emotional wreck I'm pretty sure we could have worked out.

 

 

**We were practically the same person (minus the emotional problems) and had a lot in common ****

 

 

but yeah, I probably dodged a bullet. There's a reason this other girl left him and I probably don't want to know what it is.

 

Quote in asterisk, practically the same person? You only dated him three weeks, had ten dates, there is no way you could know that this soon. It sounds like you are idealizing your connection, so be aware of that and keep in check. The reality is you barely knew each other.

 

Agree with the others. He is not over his ex and he's an emotional mess ...with tons of issues, which he had WAY before he met you.

 

You should be thanking him! He did you a huge favor.

 

No he did not play you, and he's not a player. He's too weak and too much of an emotional mess to be a player.

 

Wish him the best and take steps to move on.... emotionally and mentally.

 

Sorry....

[SpiritDancer]

Quote in asterisk, practically the same person? You only dated him three weeks, had ten dates, there is no way you could know that this soon. It sounds like you are idealizing your connection, so be aware of that and keep in check. The reality is you barely knew each other.

 

Agree with the others. He is not over his ex and he's an emotional mess ...with tons of issues, which he had WAY before he met you.

 

You should be thanking him! He did you a huge favor.

 

No he did not play you, and he's not a player. He's too weak and too much of an emotional mess to be a player.

 

Wish him the best and take steps to move on.... emotionally and mentally.

 

Sorry....

 

Bad word choice on my part. I'm not idealizing my connection what I meant by that sentence was that our humour matched. I have quite a dry/sarcatic wit and not everyone shares it/gets it.

 

I did wish him the best, last time I spoke to him was to tell him I hope he found/finds what he needed and gets his head sorted out. Told him he should focus on himself rather than trying to date anyone. He never replied to that so that's that really. I'm emotionally over it, I didn't allow my emotions to come into it, it was only three weeks. Mentally well... It'll take me a while before not wanting to hurt certain parts of him.

[Leigh 87]

I've known a lot of men to do this.

 

They find you attractive, they know you're compatible yet when they kiss you they don't feel the fireworks. There is no intense emotions like with some girls who they fell hard for.

 

I've had many men tell me that when this happens it is because they had met girls previously that they felt more strongly for and they could tell that when they kissed other girls they could just feel tthe spark missing.

 

He liked you, he finds you attractive but he just doesn't feel as though he falling for you while you kiss.

 

It is either because of his ex or because he just isn't into you even though you're good in theory.

[katiegrl]

Bad word choice on my part. I'm not idealizing my connection what I meant by that sentence was that our humour matched. I have quite a dry/sarcatic wit and not everyone shares it/gets it.

 

I did wish him the best, last time I spoke to him was to tell him I hope he found/finds what he needed and gets his head sorted out. Told him he should focus on himself rather than trying to date anyone. He never replied to that so that's that really. I'm emotionally over it, I didn't allow my emotions to come into it, it was only three weeks. Mentally well... It'll take me a while before not wanting to hurt certain parts of him.

 

Fabulous,... glad to hear it. :bunny:

[SpiritDancer]

I'm so very close to texting this guy. I deleted his number but it's still in my log... I've been on other dates but I can't stop thinking about this guy and part of me isn't sure if it's because I miss him or because I'm worried about him. :|

[SpiritDancer]

Just wanted to update ya'll.

 

I texted this guy (I'm impulsive what can I say?!) mostly cause I wanted to know how he was.

 

He said some more stuff, all of it again confusing. Which included admitting he had been lacking affection and turned to me for it. I just wanted admittance.

 

Other things he said;

 

He was attracted to me

He had feelings for me

He enjoyed my company

He doesn't want anything more between us and... He can't say any more.

 

Really, that's what I got 'I can't say anymore' when I asked why after all that he doesn't want anything more.

 

He's got a lot on his head, I know that but I also didn't want any loose ends. I wanted to walk away and not be left wondering "what if"

 

From everything he said i managed to work out a few things, first of all I believe he found himself developing feelings for me, secondly I believe whatever he was beginning to feel scared the crap out of him because of his emotional problems and he's still struggling because he also said something about not wanting to see me. I believe there's a reason for that.

 

I got the closure I needed though and I hope he gets help for his emotional problems before he moves onto another girl because he needs professional help. Either way I have closure and I'm moving on, complete with new dates lined up!