firefly1 Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 (edited) My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 months now. Sometimes he wants to hang out at my place and I make dinner. This happens about once a week. I buy the groceries for that meal, which can cost up to $15 per person for that meal. Once a week we also eat out, and this we either split the bill or we choose to take turns paying. Last time we went out he paid for the dinner. Today we went out. I called for the check and I went to the bathroom. When I got back, the check was still on the table, unpaid. He asks me whether I wanted to split the bill? I said its okay, I'll pay this time. He seemed pretty happy with that. And I am sure he will pay for it next time. But it seems to me the most polite way would have been to settle the bill himself whilst I was in the bathroom? That's what I would have done. Especially because I had just cooked him dinner a few nights ago, and that wasn't cheap and it took a lot of effort. He does get me presents sometimes and he does bring some wine over sometimes and pays for the taxis a few times. Edited August 2, 2015 by firefly1 Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 (edited) Too early to tell honestly. I mean, by my standards, asking to split it was cheap, but Im kinda old fashioned and I have money, so I'm not a good example. If you're paying for these home meals, honestly, he probably doesn't realize they cost that much. I think most people kinda associate eating at home as inexpensive. I grill out and eat a lot of filet mignon, so I realize home cooking can be as expensive if not more than going out depending on the meal. Make sure you relay the cost to him, so that he knows how expensive it is. Chances are he doesn't realize how much it's costing you and would be willing to take turns paying for supplies. Honestly, you're kinda playing into us guys worst fears. He offered to split it, you offered to pay and then later kinda thought of him as cheap. Most of us just pay because we kinda figure that's the way it works. You're like me. In fact, two nights ago I snuck a 200 dollar tab on my card because my people wouldn't let me pay. I stopped the waiter on the way back from the restroom and made him ring it up in the back so they couldn't stop me. However, this is kinda rare. Also, we're missing the biggest part of the whole story - Does dude have money? Is he an investment banker or a college student. His financial situation is pretty relevant to the post. Edited August 2, 2015 by HereNorThere Link to post Share on other sites
Vercetti Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 This all sounds rather petty. Prepairing a bit more food when cook for self isn't difficult. It would be my choice the expence of the meal. It would be my choice if never asked the other person to cook or buy something for dinner. Then when going out it's up to both people to be open and realistic about what can afford to do. If comfortable and rather balanced , keeping score of who paid bill and who coversd tip fades. Hence all sounded petty. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 Every body has different relationships with money. I wouldn't care for his failure to pay but you don't have enough info about his finances. You can open a conversation with him about it directly but that will be awkward. I suppose I'd shoot for a more general conversation about money & gender roles in society. If that goes well you can ease into the specifics of your situation. When I 1st met DH I thought he was cheap based in part by the restaurants he chose & the amounts he left for a tip. Over time I lead by example (& occasionally snuck a few more bills into a restaurant check) In time his behavior changed but I also know my father mentioned his cheapness to him. Link to post Share on other sites
SpiritDancer Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 Do you make more money than him? That shouldn't be an issue but some guys are intimidated by women who make more than them... Are you choosing the places to eat is he? Can he afford them? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 This all sounds rather petty. Prepairing a bit more food when cook for self isn't difficult. I Well it all depends on the OPs budget, $30 is a lot for a meal plus paying for meals out too, if she is basically hand to mouth or struggling. Seems he is not considering the home dinners as costing anything and neither are you. Fine if she is just adding an extra portion of chips or a handful of rice to her usual mince beef stew, but if, as I suspect she is making proper two-three course meals from scratch, that is a lot of work, a lot of effort, and a lot of money that is basically being ignored by him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 Does he ever cook for you? Honestly it feels a bit nitpicky to me to make a big deal out of just one occasion. But if you are unhappy with the split in general, you should talk to him about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Shining One Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 You spend roughly $30 per week cooking dinner for the two of you. How much do you typically spend when you go out to eat? Does he spend the same when it's his turn? Do you also get him presents? How often and how expensive is the wine he brings? How much for the taxis? I don't expect you to answer these questions, but if you do have the answers, it will give you an idea if you are spending disproportionally. Link to post Share on other sites
Vercetti Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 Well it all depends on the OPs budget, $30 is a lot for a meal plus paying for meals out too, if she is basically hand to mouth or struggling. Seems he is not considering the home dinners as costing anything and neither are you. Fine if she is just adding an extra portion of chips or a handful of rice to her usual mince beef stew, but if, as I suspect she is making proper two-three course meals from scratch, that is a lot of work, a lot of effort, and a lot of money that is basically being ignored by him. That's why wrote all the other stuff in my post. If I choose to make expensive complex meals and not ask for aid or the other persons to treat me...I created my own problem. Grew up in restraunts.....so so cooking / cheap or finding good places on the low to eat isn't a thing . My perspective, should be more worried about the tip when go ou.t Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 He may assume you are cooking dinner with things you already have on hand so it doesn't "count" as paying. Are you both students or very hard up for cash? Why don't you suggest something like "hey bring over the ingredients for XYZ and I'll cook for you :)" and see what he says? Other than that, you'll just have to be up front and talk to him about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Vercetti Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 Sometimes pays for cab, sometimes pays Bill, sometimes splits bill, sure he will fully pay next time, been going out a few months, he has gotten me a few gifts...is he cheap? I tend to think the cheap story would be paid for cab once, always forgot wallet when goes out, eats at my place seven days a week, never got me a gift, drinks all my wine. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 You spend roughly $30 per week cooking dinner for the two of you. Um, I read it as $30 for the ONE meal she is cooking for two. OP, it's time to start feeding him spaghetti! He's looking at cooking at home as nearly free and effortless, therefore he's okay with 'I pay one, you pay one' when you go out. Send him out for the groceries next time you cook. And don't give him any cash. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 Um, I read it as $30 for the ONE meal she is cooking for two. OP, it's time to start feeding him spaghetti! He's looking at cooking at home as nearly free and effortless, therefore he's okay with 'I pay one, you pay one' when you go out. Send him out for the groceries next time you cook. And don't give him any cash. Yes, it is $30 for one meal, she cooks for the two of them. Time for Spaghetti, beans and lentils... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 I get what you are saying (there has been another thread about a BF not stepping up paying for her and her moms lunch bill, first time meeting her mom). You want him to step up and do the gentlemanly gesture of paying the bill. Even tho I'm fiercely independent when it comes to money (I like grabbing the check), it's nice when a man goes out of his way to make sure HE pays for the bill. I find it flattering, just like when a man who goes out of his way to open a door for me. I'm old skool that way....it makes me feel like a lady. It's just that type of thing....it's called manners, or dating etiquette 101. I feel this behavior is learned behavior. In the past he has either experienced or witnessed to being taken advantage of. He wants to make sure he is valued as a person, and not by what is in his wallet. Is he cheap? I think that depends on one's perspective. If you think he is being cheap, then he is....how to change this behavior? You can't, he is the way he is. You either take it or leave him. Link to post Share on other sites
Shining One Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 Um, I read it as $30 for the ONE meal she is cooking for two.And that one meal occurs once a week according to this:Sometimes he wants to hang out at my place and I make dinner. This happens about once a week. OP, it's time to start feeding him spaghetti! He's looking at cooking at home as nearly free and effortless, therefore he's okay with 'I pay one, you pay one' when you go out. Send him out for the groceries next time you cook. And don't give him any cash.Time for Spaghetti, beans and lentils...I think you're both jumping to conclusions here. The OP has not yet provided numbers on her boyfriend's financial contributions, so we don't yet know if she's is paying disproportionally. Here's what we know: She pays roughly $30 per meal (once a week) to cook them dinner.She pays for them to eat out roughly once every two weeks. Cost unknown. He pays for them to eat out roughly once every two weeks. Cost unknown.He buys her presents. Frequency and cost unknown.He purchases wine. Frequency and cost unknown.He pays for taxis. Frequency and cost unknown.That is far too many unknowns to draw any conclusions from. There may be additional costs to either or both of them she hasn't mentioned yet. Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 Yes, it is $30 for one meal, she cooks for the two of them. Time for Spaghetti, beans and lentils... A big no on the beans, if you get my drift. Get it? Drift? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 And that one meal occurs once a week according to this: I think you're both jumping to conclusions here. The OP has not yet provided numbers on her boyfriend's financial contributions, so we don't yet know if she's is paying disproportionally. Here's what we know: She pays roughly $30 per meal (once a week) to cook them dinner.She pays for them to eat out roughly once every two weeks. Cost unknown. He pays for them to eat out roughly once every two weeks. Cost unknown.He buys her presents. Frequency and cost unknown.He purchases wine. Frequency and cost unknown.He pays for taxis. Frequency and cost unknown.That is far too many unknowns to draw any conclusions from. There may be additional costs to either or both of them she hasn't mentioned yet. Oh, I agree completely. I think she wanted the grand gesture of him grabbing the check this time. Instead, she offered. She doesn't have a right to be upset that he took her up on it. Until all the data is in, and two months is SOOOO early, and by her own report, things sound fairly equal, he's just........get ready for it........ BEING A GUY! Going with the flow. Not overthinking every little gesture. If, eventually, you have to hit them over the head with a frying pan, do it and be done. Holding it over him for a while just fatigues your biceps! (And messes with your head ) Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 Truly I don't think the OP is really counting beans being spent here....she is just annoyed he didn't just take it upon himself to grab the bill without discussion. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 Oh, I agree completely. I think she wanted the grand gesture of him grabbing the check this time. Instead, she offered. She doesn't have a right to be upset that he took her up on it. Until all the data is in, and two months is SOOOO early, and by her own report, things sound fairly equal, he's just........get ready for it........ BEING A GUY! Going with the flow. Not overthinking every little gesture. If, eventually, you have to hit them over the head with a frying pan, do it and be done. Holding it over him for a while just fatigues your biceps! (And messes with your head ) She's not "upset" more like disappointed. This thing really reflects on women during the early stages of dating. People tend to "settle in" on how money is spent when you are established and moving forward to a future together. Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 She's not "upset" more like disappointed. This thing really reflects on women during the early stages of dating. People tend to "settle in" on how money is spent when you are established and moving forward to a future together. Either/or. Disappointment that leads to needing to consult a forum indicates building resentment in my eyes. Please don't use the word beans again, thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
fitnessfan365 Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 It's a bit ironic you're wondering if your BF is cheap when you're bothered by spending a mere $15 per person on dinner groceries once a week. Also, the one who calls for the check pays. So when you asked for the check, and then run off to the bathroom to stick your BF w-the bill, that doesn't make you look good either. I actually applaud him for not playing into that. You're paying $30 per week for groceries and a meal out once every few weeks. He's paying for gifts, wine, the taxi, and a meal out every few weeks. So he actually seems to be paying for more than you based on what we have to go on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
reeseyummy Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 Would have been good if he offered to pay the bill. For me if he offers to pay this time, I would certainly pay next time. For example, he pays the movie tickets, I get the popcorn. Maybe it's not always even, but better than going dutch, it's just awkward.... I think the guy just lacks the consideration to play gentleman. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 (edited) My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 months now. Sometimes he wants to hang out at my place and I make dinner. This happens about once a week. I buy the groceries for that meal, which can cost up to $15 per person for that meal. Once a week we also eat out, and this we either split the bill or we choose to take turns paying. Last time we went out he paid for the dinner. Today we went out. I called for the check and I went to the bathroom. When I got back, the check was still on the table, unpaid. He asks me whether I wanted to split the bill? I said its okay, I'll pay this time. He seemed pretty happy with that. And I am sure he will pay for it next time. But it seems to me the most polite way would have been to settle the bill himself whilst I was in the bathroom? That's what I would have done. Especially because I had just cooked him dinner a few nights ago, and that wasn't cheap and it took a lot of effort. He does get me presents sometimes and he does bring some wine over sometimes and pays for the taxis a few times. firefly, IMO you behaved a little passive-aggressive here. If you preferred him to pay, why did YOU offer to pay? Only to resent HIM later for taking you up on YOUR offer? When he asked "do you want to split it," why didn't you just say "no, I was hoping you would pick it up this time," or "no, why don't you get it this time. I'll get it next time." Instead, you offer to pay for the whole thing and now resent him and think he's cheap! Wtf. He is not a mind reader. He probably has no idea you are starting to build resentment and suspect he is cheap! Be direct. You want something, ask for it. Don't expect him to read your mind, that's not fair. Edited August 2, 2015 by katiegrl 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 I think that is why the OP is here....possibly never had to deal with this sort of situation, and wanted advice on maybe how she could handle it without ruffling any feathers. And possibly just wanted to see if she was over reacting. She can't help the way she feels about it, that's why she is here, to put it out there and get some perspective......nothing wrong with that....it would be no different her chatting about this with a GF over coffee. And don't tell me we all haven't done that ourselves sometime or another. We have the internet now....it's just another outlet to discuss things. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
regine_phalange Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 Did he wholeheartedly pay the other times? If yes, why are you calculating things so much? If no, well, watch out. Link to post Share on other sites
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