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Another "distant girlfriend" thread


kizik15

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Hey all,

 

well, I am back on LS, the place I come to every couple of years when there is a discouraging dating situation. I will try to make my story short.

 

I have been dating a girl for a little over 3 months. We met online. She lived about 6 hours away, so neither one of us was taking it very seriously. However, we developed such a close connection that she came and visited me in my city, and we decided to have a long-distance relationship.

 

About a month into the relationship, she decided she was going to move to my city to establish residency before attending school about a year from now. Well, we have just completed moving her down here (about a week ago). She was being weird in the few days preceding the move; we had a few good days when she was here, setting up her apartment, etc.; and now she is being distant and kind of cold.

 

I have been giving her space, even though she didn't ask for it, which she says she appreciates. Last night she came to a show of mine (I am a musician), and while I was glad she was there, the way she was treating me was again of the distant variety.

 

I am well aware how difficult this move has been for her. She has no group of friends here yet; she regrets her decision to move down here; and she is most likely scared and depressed.

 

I am continuing to give her space. While I have taken the way she is treating me personally, I also understand (from what she told me) that she deals with these kinds of things on her own. Basically I am not sure if she still loves me or is attracted to me. I know, I know - if you have to wonder about these things, the answer is: she ISN'T.

 

Has anyone experienced this kind of thing? Do you think she'll come around? I am emotionally prepared for this to end, and I'm through with feeling afraid of its end. My plan is to leave her be, and not text/call her unless she does so first. In the meantime, I am pursuing my music and my own life. While I don't want us to break up, I also know that if we do, in the future I will benefit from being with someone who is sure how she feels about me and won't play these kind of back-and-forth games.

 

I guess one of my main questions is: how much of this should I take personally, and how much of it is related to her feeling down about this big recent life change of hers?

 

Thanks,

 

k15

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I think instead of assuming how she feels, why not have some open honest communication with her. Sometimes people don't like asking for help or support and maybe it's something she really needs. You won't know unless you ask. We certainly don't know.

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I think instead of assuming how she feels, why not have some open honest communication with her. Sometimes people don't like asking for help or support and maybe it's something she really needs. You won't know unless you ask. We certainly don't know.
Thanks for your post. Believe me, I've tried. She says she regrets moving down here. I've made it clear to her that I am here for her. I have made my support available. However, I'm not sure that I'll be able to forgive being treated like this, if she does come around. More and more signs are telling me this girl is not emotionally mature enough for me.

 

When someone says, "Why don't you just ask her how she feels?", well, that's obvious. I have, and she won't elaborate. I'm being made to be the convenient enemy. Just a shame, since we've spent so much time wanting to be together, and now that we are, she won't even hang out with me.

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Hey people change their mind all the time. It could be temporary, only time will tell. It's a difficult thing for some to up root their life. Oh well this is on her, she did make the choice to move. I agree with the maturity thing, she needs to deal with it, obviously can't.

 

And BTW there are heavy risks with LDRs. It's very difficult to really know someone and what they will be like when you see them on a regular basis. 3 months is nowhere near long enough to know someone, and to up root your life over.

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LDRs are 20% reality and 80% fantasy. I think she had too much fantasy going on in her head.

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there are heavy risks with LDRs. It's very difficult to really know someone and what they will be like when you see them on a regular basis.
Totally. She gets to pick and choose how she presents herself, and doesn't have to be seen in a negative light. She can end the phone convo, text whatever is "right", etc.

 

I know it's really difficult for her, this move. And I understand. I just don't get why I have to be pushed away. I think she resents me for me wanting her to move down here. Oh well. I'm a good boyfriend and I know that, so I'm not going to blame myself. She's a grownup, she made the choice to move, as you said.

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LDRs are 20% reality and 80% fantasy. I think she had too much fantasy going on in her head.
We both did. But we also had several long weekends together that were great. Enough to prepare me for seeing her often. However, I was not at all prepared for the moodiness and estrangement.
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We both did. But we also had several long weekends together that were great. Enough to prepare me for seeing her often. However, I was not at all prepared for the moodiness and estrangement.

 

But it wasn't enough for her.

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But it wasn't enough for her.
Yeah, I guess not. Not quite sure what you're getting at. I basically found her apartment, flew up there to help load the truck, busted my butt loading for her, drove the U-Haul 7 hours with her, unloaded, helped her put bedframe together, etc.

 

If my help and support thus far hasn't been enough for her, nothing will be. Some people just want it all, and more.

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HereNorThere

She could have lost attraction for you or she could have emotional issues. Honestly, you don't know her well enough to really know. Back off and see if she comes around. Trying to push it forward or get answers from her is only going to maker her resent you.

 

Welcome to dating. :)

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She could have lost attraction for you or she could have emotional issues. Honestly, you don't know her well enough to really know. Back off and see if she comes around. Trying to push it forward or get answers from her is only going to maker her resent you.

 

Welcome to dating. :)

Lol, thanks. This girl definitely has emotional issues. If she lost attraction, well, so be it - I'm the same guy I was 3 months ago, and haven't done anything bad to push her away. I am definitely leaving her alone. I consider myself an attractive guy, and will find someone better in the future if this doesn't work out. Fact is, MY needs are not being met right now. It's not all about her, as much as she thinks it is.
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HereNorThere
Lol, thanks. This girl definitely has emotional issues. If she lost attraction, well, so be it - I'm the same guy I was 3 months ago, and haven't done anything bad to push her away. I am definitely leaving her alone. I consider myself an attractive guy, and will find someone better in the future if this doesn't work out. Fact is, MY needs are not being met right now. It's not all about her, as much as she thinks it is.

 

That's the attitude to have! Besides, if you already know she damaged goods, you should run anyway. Red flags are there for a reason. People with severe emotional issues eventually end up screwing you up as well. You don't want to end up some crazy chick's co-dependent enabler anyway.

 

Still, I know it hurts to break that bond. I had the exact same scenario happen to me a couple years back and even though the relationship was very short lived, she somehow got her teeth into me pretty well. That emotional roller coaster has some very addictive neurotransmitters (brain chemicals) that come along with it. It'll take some time, but you'll be so relieved when you get with a sane one.

 

Good luck and sorry you're having to deal with this. Take care of yourself. :)

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Thanks for your post. Believe me, I've tried. She says she regrets moving down here. I've made it clear to her that I am here for her. I have made my support available. However, I'm not sure that I'll be able to forgive being treated like this, if she does come around. More and more signs are telling me this girl is not emotionally mature enough for me.

 

When someone says, "Why don't you just ask her how she feels?", well, that's obvious. I have, and she won't elaborate. I'm being made to be the convenient enemy. Just a shame, since we've spent so much time wanting to be together, and now that we are, she won't even hang out with me.

 

You've done all you can. It's up to her to approach you and re-engage if she wants to. No point in beating yourself up or jumping through hoops to please her. Let her find her own solutions. She knows you're there for her if she needs support. It's hard not to take it personally. Carry on with your own life and if she does re-engage then you can decide whether or not to continue things with her. Good luck!

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Thank you, HereNorThere, and xcupid for your understanding and kind words. I think you are both spot-on. I had no idea she could be so distant and isolating until this recent move of hers. I cannot, and will not, date someone who puts me on the emotional rollercoaster. Love me today, couldn't care less about me tomorrow, basically. I have been in these kinds of relationships before, and they are absolutely effing crazy-making.

 

While I do understand her plight and subsequent loneliness and homesickness, it is totally unnecessary to push me away because of it. If I had treated her even HALF as dismissively as she's been treating me lately, she would have never spoken to me again.

 

Fact is, if and when she does come around, I may not be able to trust her again. My gut tells me that the damage done over the last week is irreversible. I'm very sad about it, but ultimately it is her terrible communication skills that have led us to this point.

 

I have made a counseling appt. for this Monday with the therapist I used to see. I need some professional, outside perspective on this one.

 

In the meantime... on to living my life. There are lots of other women who will find me attractive and not bail on me at the slightest unpleasantness in their lives.

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HereNorThere

Dude, you already know the answer. The problem is that you're trying to logic crazy. Go ahead and keep beating your head against the wall and see if you get a different result. This one is broken and you just have to accept it. For me, the hardest part was seeing her and hearing her voice because at surface level she seemed like a normal, very successful girl. However, as soon as you scratched the surface, there was something very evil underneath there. These people don't hold on, they claw.

 

See, the difference is that I might be able to talk some sense into you because you aren't a lizard brain running on ID and emotion alone. She didn't have that capacity and no amount of love and support was going to change it.

 

You want some real talk? She's got you up against the wall with the knife against your throat. You are on the event horizon of her emotional black hole and if stay there long enough it's going to rip you into pieces and spit your particles through time and space. She's a siren and your boat is headed right towards her rocks.

 

Man, I've been there. Like, almost exact same scenario. This chick was is a very, very high paid professional from an Ivy league school. One parent is a Harvard educated professional the other a professor. Her sister is a highly regarded physicist that is actually on tv quite a bit. Zero family problems is what I'm getting at. It started off with her just being kind of randomly depressed and then progressed to her being hot and cold all the time. I never knew where I stood and eventually my own well-being started depending on her mood. I'm usually a very strong person but I somehow got sucked into this with my sense of empathy and sympathy. I still haven't been able to make sense of it because IT DOESNT MAKE SENSE.

 

Dude, I almost lost myself. 3 months with this girl still feels like a lifetime. She literally stole my soul and getting away from her was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Why? I still really don't know. These borderline personality/bipolar personality types suck you and spit you out and you never know what hit you. In fact, I'll never be the same, but I escaped. It could have been much, much worse but my own sense of self-preservation kicked in and I had a good group of friends who rescued me.

 

Accept it and move on brother. Godspeed.

 

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^ Thanks for that post, HNT. I have dated a BPD girl in the past, and I can definitely relate to your story... now SHE was 100% nuts, and also put a big dent in me, from which it was really hard to recover. However, I don't know that this current/STBX GF is the same type of woman we're talking about. She clearly has emotional issues, but I don't think it's BPD or bipolar. I actually think you may projecting a bit of your experience onto my current one.

 

However, I am going to trust my gut on this one, and cut and run soon if I don't get some contact from her, and an apology. I will not be a part of another hot-and-cold relationship. It's crazymaking, it's unfair and I deserve soooo much better.

 

I will keep y'all posted. And thanks again. Very descriptive post, and spot-on for those types of people/women.

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HereNorThere

There are definitely different types of disorders and yes, this one in particular was bad. You aren't a doctor, but you have to do your best to decide if it's an axis 1, cluster a, emotional disorder type thing or axis 2, cluster b personality disorder because the latter is definitely worse. Im just going by what you told me and you've said on more than one occasion that she's got you on the roller coaster and that's what matters.

 

It only gets worse, not better in most cases. No matter what her emotional issue is, bottom line.. She's not treating you right. Go ahead and take your chances, but mark my words.. One day you will regret it.

 

Is it normal behavior? Well, treating people like sheet is kinda normal, but it's not acceptable. You'll live your life walking on those eggshells, no matter how shallow or deep her pathology runs.

 

I do wish you luck and hope it gets better. Truthfully, you deserve better than someone who is literally sitting there knowing you are suffering and doesn't do anything about it, but only you can decide how much you are willing to endure.

 

Godspeed.

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Truthfully, you deserve better than someone who is literally sitting there knowing you are suffering and doesn't do anything about it
This struck a chord. Thanks for all your help.
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I could really use more input on this.

 

Is hers normal behavior? Because it sure feels CRAZY to me.

 

 

We are unfortunately only getting YOUR point of view. Your past experience is telling....have seen a therapist and have experienced this with other GFs.....makes me think it's rooted with you not them. I'm not saying your crazy, I'm saying you are by habit picking this type of women or there is something about you, that you don't realize, that is making them shut down.

 

Like you said everything seemed great, and then it takes a U turn......for no reason that you can see.

 

I hope your therapist can help you. If not, seek out a different one because not all therapists are created equal.

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Hey all,

 

well, I am back on LS, the place I come to every couple of years when there is a discouraging dating situation. I will try to make my story short.

 

I have been dating a girl for a little over 3 months. We met online. She lived about 6 hours away, so neither one of us was taking it very seriously. However, we developed such a close connection that she came and visited me in my city, and we decided to have a long-distance relationship.

 

About a month into the relationship, she decided she was going to move to my city to establish residency before attending school about a year from now. Well, we have just completed moving her down here (about a week ago). She was being weird in the few days preceding the move; we had a few good days when she was here, setting up her apartment, etc.; and now she is being distant and kind of cold.

 

I have been giving her space, even though she didn't ask for it, which she says she appreciates. Last night she came to a show of mine (I am a musician), and while I was glad she was there, the way she was treating me was again of the distant variety.

 

I am well aware how difficult this move has been for her. She has no group of friends here yet; she regrets her decision to move down here; and she is most likely scared and depressed.

 

I am continuing to give her space. While I have taken the way she is treating me personally, I also understand (from what she told me) that she deals with these kinds of things on her own. Basically I am not sure if she still loves me or is attracted to me. I know, I know - if you have to wonder about these things, the answer is: she ISN'T.

 

Has anyone experienced this kind of thing? Do you think she'll come around? I am emotionally prepared for this to end, and I'm through with feeling afraid of its end. My plan is to leave her be, and not text/call her unless she does so first. In the meantime, I am pursuing my music and my own life. While I don't want us to break up, I also know that if we do, in the future I will benefit from being with someone who is sure how she feels about me and won't play these kind of back-and-forth games.

 

I guess one of my main questions is: how much of this should I take personally, and how much of it is related to her feeling down about this big recent life change of hers?

 

Thanks,

 

k15

 

First of all, it's not your "job" to give her space if she didn't ask for it. At the same time, you seem to understand what goes into a move like that, etc. and so didn't want to encroach too much. But, too much space isn't good either. Basically, what I would do is kinda hit the reset button, start over with dating her. Reach out to her lightly in a supportive way and at some point ask her for a date. Take her out again a few times, let the connection develop again.

 

That being said, you do need to pay attention to the fact that she said she

deals with these kinds of things on her own. You may find that she comes forward a little and then retreats when she starts feeling overwhelmed with a relationship.

 

She's not happy with the move and maybe a little scared -- not many friends or family anymore. So, keep it light and supportive, see if you can get her out of the house more and more comfortable with her new surroundings. She did come to your show . . . she's trying to do that herself a little.

 

Give it a little time and just manage your emotions and expectations.

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We are unfortunately only getting YOUR point of view. Your past experience is telling....have seen a therapist and have experienced this with other GFs.....makes me think it's rooted with you not them. I'm not saying your crazy, I'm saying you are by habit picking this type of women or there is something about you, that you don't realize, that is making them shut down.

 

Like you said everything seemed great, and then it takes a U turn......for no reason that you can see.

 

I hope your therapist can help you. If not, seek out a different one because not all therapists are created equal.

Oh my goodness, come on now. Me seeing a therapist does not make me weird or crazy. I appreciate professional support, is all, and need it as certain times in my life. However, I'm sure you're right that there is something that I am doing that is contributing to them shutting down. Problem is, I have no idea what that thing may be.

 

In any case, I believe that if someone really loves another person, something said in the wrong way or a mistake will not cause them to fall out of love with the other person. If it DOES, it wasn't really love in the first place.

 

Thanks for your post.

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First of all, it's not your "job" to give her space if she didn't ask for it. At the same time, you seem to understand what goes into a move like that, etc. and so didn't want to encroach too much. But, too much space isn't good either. Basically, what I would do is kinda hit the reset button, start over with dating her. Reach out to her lightly in a supportive way and at some point ask her for a date. Take her out again a few times, let the connection develop again.

 

That being said, you do need to pay attention to the fact that she said she

deals with these kinds of things on her own. You may find that she comes forward a little and then retreats when she starts feeling overwhelmed with a relationship.

 

She's not happy with the move and maybe a little scared -- not many friends or family anymore. So, keep it light and supportive, see if you can get her out of the house more and more comfortable with her new surroundings. She did come to your show . . . she's trying to do that herself a little.

 

Give it a little time and just manage your emotions and expectations.

Thanks for your reply. Yes, she didn't directly ask for space, but I intuited that that's what she wanted, based on the brevity of her texts. The fact that she told me she appreciated the space tells me I did the right thing.

 

I agree with you that a "reset" of this relationship would be ideal. Only thing is that I am definitely not going to bug her again, at least not for a while. Today will be day 2 no contact. I figure I'll give it at least a week before I try reaching out again. Personally I feel rejected and am not willing at this point to give her further opportunities to reject me. I know that she deals with these things on her own - however, I am a person with feelings too, and I don't deserve the silent treatment, no matter what the circumstances may be. And if we do somehow recover from this, I really don't think I can be with someone who shuts down emotionally on me every time some problem comes up.

 

Reverse the roles. If I had moved to her city and then pretty much immediately ceased contact with her, she would have been incredibly hurt and never spoken to me again. Yet somehow because women are "fragile" creatures, men are supposed to endure this kind of emotional rollercoaster. It doesn't work for me.

 

Anyway, all I can do is continue to leave her alone and pursue my music, work, school and social life.

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Too funny. I just got back from seeing my counselor, who is totally awesome. I explained everything to her, and she agreed that this communication is immature and I deserve way better. We tossed some ideas around, and I decided to text my (now ex-) GF and tell her that I want to be together, but this not communicating stuff doesn't work for me.

 

Ex just texted me back saying blah blah blah, and she's not sure if she wants to be in a relationship right now. Obviously this means she doesn't. I am too great of a man to entertain the idea of being with someone who isn't sure she wants to be with me. So, this is over. I don't think I'm even going to respond to her text. I find it oddly hilarious how much of a crappy communicator this girl is, how quickly her feelings changed, and how she essentially used me to help her move down here.

 

I'm glad this thing lasted only 3-4 months. This girl threw up some huge red flags, which I chose to ignore because I saw something special in her. I have way too much self-respect to deal with this kind of crap. She is an immature, selfish 21-year-old with little regards to others' feelings.

 

I'm looking forward to moving on and rebuilding my life. Chalk it up to experience, I suppose.

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