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Lack of physical attraction


Loveisonlyformovies

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Loveisonlyformovies

For those who haven't read my old posts, i'll summarize the situation for you.

3 years ago i broke up with my ex, i have had a very hard time to let go and been entirely attracted to him all the time and it's been impossible for me to be attracted to someone else.

 

The past weeks i've been talking to a new guy whom is absolutely perfect, i honestly believe i'd never experience anything like that again. Whenever i've been thinking of the ideal man, that's the personality i've wanted. He's super intelligent, we have so many interesting conversations and i feel really comfortable talking about everything with him, something i didn't with my ex. This is the perfect type of guy to start a family with, he's really sweet and a real keeper.

 

Problem is that i'm not sexually nor physically attracted to him. Sure, he's very cute, but i'd choose my ex's body over his without hesitating. It might sound shallow, but i think it's unfair to him because he deserves someone who loves his body as much as i love his personality.

 

So my question is, can physical attraction grow over time? I mean, it's impossible for me to feel any sexual attraction to anyone but my ex which i hate because this guy really makes me happy. Parts of me still hope to get together with my ex, but i know this guy can provide me a more stable future. Maybe i shouldn't let the physical part come in the way?

 

I never thought i'd be in a situation like this and have absolutely no idea what to do. I've invited this guy to come over and stay for some days since he lives a few hours away, but i'm terrified to break his heart if i lead him on and change my mind later on. The meet up will be a friendly one, he knows about my ex and that i'm not rushing things and he's fine with that.

 

but still, what should i do?

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I think the major concern is that you're not over your ex, and are still in a stage of making comparisons. It sounds like you enjoy the attention from the new guy, but it doesn't go much further than that.

 

Physical attraction do not grow in my opinion, but you start liking the person for what they are, and minor physical flaws stop being a big issue. Nevertheless, physical/sexual attraction of some sort is a prerequisite for a relationship, if you feel repulsed from the person 1)it will be a torture for you 2)he will know it subconsciously;(

 

In my opinion, don't lead him on. The fact that he's a good boyfriend material doesn't make him a good boyfriend for you.

 

 

For those who haven't read my old posts, i'll summarize the situation for you.

3 years ago i broke up with my ex, i have had a very hard time to let go and been entirely attracted to him all the time and it's been impossible for me to be attracted to someone else.

 

The past weeks i've been talking to a new guy whom is absolutely perfect, i honestly believe i'd never experience anything like that again. Whenever i've been thinking of the ideal man, that's the personality i've wanted. He's super intelligent, we have so many interesting conversations and i feel really comfortable talking about everything with him, something i didn't with my ex. This is the perfect type of guy to start a family with, he's really sweet and a real keeper.

 

Problem is that i'm not sexually nor physically attracted to him. Sure, he's very cute, but i'd choose my ex's body over his without hesitating. It might sound shallow, but i think it's unfair to him because he deserves someone who loves his body as much as i love his personality.

 

So my question is, can physical attraction grow over time? I mean, it's impossible for me to feel any sexual attraction to anyone but my ex which i hate because this guy really makes me happy. Parts of me still hope to get together with my ex, but i know this guy can provide me a more stable future. Maybe i shouldn't let the physical part come in the way?

 

I never thought i'd be in a situation like this and have absolutely no idea what to do. I've invited this guy to come over and stay for some days since he lives a few hours away, but i'm terrified to break his heart if i lead him on and change my mind later on. The meet up will be a friendly one, he knows about my ex and that i'm not rushing things and he's fine with that.

 

but still, what should i do?

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For those who haven't read my old posts, i'll summarize the situation for you.

3 years ago i broke up with my ex, i have had a very hard time to let go and been entirely attracted to him all the time and it's been impossible for me to be attracted to someone else.

 

The past weeks i've been talking to a new guy whom is absolutely perfect, i honestly believe i'd never experience anything like that again. Whenever i've been thinking of the ideal man, that's the personality i've wanted. He's super intelligent, we have so many interesting conversations and i feel really comfortable talking about everything with him, something i didn't with my ex. This is the perfect type of guy to start a family with, he's really sweet and a real keeper.

 

Problem is that i'm not sexually nor physically attracted to him. Sure, he's very cute, but i'd choose my ex's body over his without hesitating. It might sound shallow, but i think it's unfair to him because he deserves someone who loves his body as much as i love his personality.

 

So my question is, can physical attraction grow over time? I mean, it's impossible for me to feel any sexual attraction to anyone but my ex which i hate because this guy really makes me happy. Parts of me still hope to get together with my ex, but i know this guy can provide me a more stable future. Maybe i shouldn't let the physical part come in the way?

 

I never thought i'd be in a situation like this and have absolutely no idea what to do. I've invited this guy to come over and stay for some days since he lives a few hours away, but i'm terrified to break his heart if i lead him on and change my mind later on. The meet up will be a friendly one, he knows about my ex and that i'm not rushing things and he's fine with that.

 

but still, what should i do?

 

 

You haven't given yourself time to get over your ex yet. I was in this same situation. My ex was a 6'3 bodybuilder... his body was ABSOLUTELY AMAZING. We broke up, I was barely over it, and I met another guy... super cute, definitely not anywhere NEAR as muscular as my ex. But over time, I found myself liking him a lot more, and now I would prefer him over my ex any day.

 

Please don't give up on it yet, especially if he's as great as you say he is. Physical attraction will come over time.

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In love with "the person", but not physically attracted.

 

 

7 to 10 years, while on vacation in the Caribbean with him, cabana-boy sex on the beach while he's sleep off a hang-over. Just like the movies (art imitating life).

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fitnessfan365

You say that you've been "talking" and use the term "meet up" in your post. So it sounds like you haven't even spent actual time together yet. So what are you basing your opinion that he's perfect on? Emails, texts, and phone calls? Personally, I think it's a TERRIBLE idea for you to invite this guy to stay at you house. You should at least have some public dates first to see if you actually get along. BTW - People can look WAY better in person when compared to their pics.

 

Since you're still hung up on your ex, and this guy lives two hours away, I'd pass on it to be honest. You should wait until you're finally able to put your ex behind you and you can find someone local that you can see on a regular basis.

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Loveisonlyformovies
I think the major concern is that you're not over your ex, and are still in a stage of making comparisons. It sounds like you enjoy the attention from the new guy, but it doesn't go much further than that.

 

Physical attraction do not grow in my opinion, but you start liking the person for what they are, and minor physical flaws stop being a big issue. Nevertheless, physical/sexual attraction of some sort is a prerequisite for a relationship, if you feel repulsed from the person 1)it will be a torture for you 2)he will know it subconsciously;(

 

In my opinion, don't lead him on. The fact that he's a good boyfriend material doesn't make him a good boyfriend for you.

 

It's not about the attention. I'm just not sure if i block out all possible attraction due to my ex. It's been three years, i should be way over my ex but i'm not. He's the most amazing person I've ever known but the scars from my past are still open. I'm not sure whether i should take things slow while getting over my ex, or just letting this guy go so he can be happy with someone else. I'm terrified of making the wrong decision because he's really not the average type of guy.

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Loveisonlyformovies
You say that you've been "talking" and use the term "meet up" in your post. So it sounds like you haven't even spent actual time together yet. So what are you basing your opinion that he's perfect on? Emails, texts, and phone calls? Personally, I think it's a TERRIBLE idea for you to invite this guy to stay at you house. You should at least have some public dates first to see if you actually get along. BTW - People can look WAY better in person when compared to their pics.

 

Since you're still hung up on your ex, and this guy lives two hours away, I'd pass on it to be honest. You should wait until you're finally able to put your ex behind you and you can find someone local that you can see on a regular basis.

 

I never met my ex. And I'm not interested in dating someone who lives in my area. My opinion of people, no matter if it's online or not, is usually very accurate. It's a too long travel to meet him over the day. I honestly know more about his life and his past than i know about my own. I'm not worried about him being dangerous, i'm worried about letting him down. There's no way I'll ever find a person like this again.

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fitnessfan365
I never met my ex. And I'm not interested in dating someone who lives in my area. My opinion of people, no matter if it's online or not, is usually very accurate. It's a too long travel to meet him over the day. I honestly know more about his life and his past than i know about my own. I'm not worried about him being dangerous, i'm worried about letting him down. There's no way I'll ever find a person like this again.

 

What do you mean you never met your ex?

 

But in terms of this new guy, you've never spent anytime w-him at all. So you don't know how he'll be in person no matter how well you think you know him. One of the most common occurrences w-OLD is that people act differently in email and text then they do in person. I'm sorry, but it's REALLY naive of you to get invested in a guy you've never met that lives two hours away. However, this also goes back to what I said about you having no idea what he actually looks like. I mean if all you're going off is photos, he may look way better in person or the photos may not even be of him. I'm sure you've heard of all the "Catfish" stories associated w-OLD?

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Sounds as though you haven't even met this guy in person yet. If that's the case and you're just starting out you have NO idea if you're compatible.

 

 

And how can you judge the physical attraction without meeting him?

 

 

Just because you have great conversations (by texting, chatting, or whatever) and he's a sweet guy doesn't mean he's that way in person or that you're compatible.

 

 

If you're comparing everyone to your "ex" then it doesn't sound like you're ready to get into a serious relationship with anyone.

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fitnessfan365
Sounds as though you haven't even met this guy in person yet. If that's the case and you're just starting out you have NO idea if you're compatible.

 

 

And how can you judge the physical attraction without meeting him?

 

 

Just because you have great conversations (by texting, chatting, or whatever) and he's a sweet guy doesn't mean he's that way in person or that you're compatible..

 

Thank you! This is exactly what I was saying as well.

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Loveisonlyformovies

I've met many people i've first met online and i've never been wrong about any of them. I do not want to date someone close, I need my space. There's cam, which shows his appearance in motion.

 

And the odds to find a european who is against all this feminist bull****, has good opinions on immigration politics, do astrophysics and still know more about history than i do.... are pretty damn low.

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Loveisonlyformovies
Sounds as though you haven't even met this guy in person yet. If that's the case and you're just starting out you have NO idea if you're compatible.

 

 

And how can you judge the physical attraction without meeting him?

 

 

Just because you have great conversations (by texting, chatting, or whatever) and he's a sweet guy doesn't mean he's that way in person or that you're compatible.

 

 

If you're comparing everyone to your "ex" then it doesn't sound like you're ready to get into a serious relationship with anyone.

 

 

I'm sort of odd. The things i care for in a relationship are usually things most people don't give a damn about. He's smart and easy to talk to and that's really all that matters.

I haven't compared him to my ex.

Here's the thing: you cant get to know me in person, there's no way for that. And i'm not interested in wasting time in talking to people i meet to get to know them. I learn more about people in the way they type than what they actually say when typing.

 

i'm not over my ex and i wont be for many many years and i have no plans to wait that long before having kids. Besides, this guy has also a bad history with his latest ex that he's still sort of attached to.

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it's been impossible for me to be attracted to someone else.

 

Sorry to tell you this but that's called being in love, or in your case still being in love with your ex.:p

 

This new guy sounds great, but even if he's better looking that your ex you will always find the ex better because you haven't got over him.

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Loveisonlyformovies
Sorry to tell you this but that's called being in love, or in your case still being in love with your ex.:p

 

This new guy sounds great, but even if he's better looking that your ex you will always find the ex better because you haven't got over him.

 

I know i'm in love with my ex :p but that is a waste of my time. I don't really aim for being in love again. I don't know how to explain it without it sounding entirely wrong. It's for practical matters. I can give this guy the life and happiness he wants, he can do the same for me, we're a very good match that way. I just need it to be some physical attraction there. :/

 

I know how i feel about my ex. The point with this thread is to find out if attraction can grow and how important attraction is, if it's really worth giving up what could be the best thing that will ever happen to me. I know for sure i wont be attracted to him when meeting him due to my feelings for my ex, that's what bothers me, but i can't let those feelings control and destroy my life anymore and time clearly doensn't solve it

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Haven't met in person = all speculation and supposition. You're hung up on your ex. But you won't get unhung until you start interacting and dating in person. Whether it is with guy or some other guy. Up to you. You can stay stuck or you can do something about it.

 

Have fun!

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Oh I know what you mean... It very well could be that you subconsciously reject the new guy because you still feel "connected" to your ex... But from 1st person experience - the only way to get over someone is to fall for someone new. Having said that, I also feel like you're talking yourself into how great this new guy is - I'm sure he's great but is he great for you? You won't know before you meet him... Is there a way to see him on a "neutral territory", not let him stay in your home? I think this will be good since he (and you) won't build up too much expectations that way, and will have easier way out if need be.

 

 

It's not about the attention. I'm just not sure if i block out all possible attraction due to my ex. It's been three years, i should be way over my ex but i'm not. He's the most amazing person I've ever known but the scars from my past are still open. I'm not sure whether i should take things slow while getting over my ex, or just letting this guy go so he can be happy with someone else. I'm terrified of making the wrong decision because he's really not the average type of guy.
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Haven't met in person = all speculation and supposition. You're hung up on your ex. But you won't get unhung until you start interacting and dating in person. Whether it is with guy or some other guy. Up to you. You can stay stuck or you can do something about it.

 

Have fun!

 

Yeah she is still hung up on her ex, even though she said she never met him in person either!

 

OP, meet the new guy in person and gauge the physical "chemistry."

 

Let him kiss you and then see how you feel. Although you are not physically attracted to him via his photos or how he appears on Skype, that may all change once he kisses you and there is mutual *chemistry* which goes much deeper than merely *physical attraction.*

 

So you had a strictly cyber relationship with your ex? Just curious but why did you never meet in person?

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Wait, if you never met your ex and dont intend on actually meeting anyone, who cares how hideous their bodies are?

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Wait, if you never met your ex and dont intend on actually meeting anyone, who cares how hideous their bodies are?

 

Apparently she thrives on fantasy ... instead of reality. Some people find that safer emotionally.

 

She can fantasize about his hot body while they're having cyber sex or getting off herself.

 

To each his own I guess.

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ChicagoSparty
You haven't given yourself time to get over your ex yet.

 

Ummmmmm.....what???

 

They broke up 3 years ago. Years, not months.

 

If you are really hung up on somebody, it might be OK to take 8 or 9 months, maybe even a year, to get over them. But anything beyond that is just holding on for dear life to something that has died and rotted away.

 

OP....move on. Please.

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Can you grow to love someone? Yes, I think you can grow to love someone. Even when they don't have the perfect body or whatever you have set in your mind. As you get to know that individual as a person, and connect, you'll find things in them that you really do love that may or may not be like an ideal set in your mind.

 

 

More importantly though, you have to find a way to move on from your ex. Especially after 3 years. Stop indulging your thoughts. If you're constantly comparing to the past, you'll never be open to the experiences of the present.

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I would still like to know why OP and her ex never met in person...

 

I find cyber relationships so fascinating ... and their intensity! Is it all because it's essentially a fantasy...and you never have an opportunity to see the "real" person behind the computer screen?

 

I mean OP claims she is still in love with him even tho they "broke up" three years ago!

 

And while involved in your cyber relationship do you become exclusive and stop talking to others on line and in real life?

 

I am so curious!

 

OP can you come back and clarify?

 

Fascinating.

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tumblingdice

No, you're not shallow at all. I've had guy friends I would have married in a heartbeat had I only been attracted to them. Physical attraction is paramount in making a relationship last. I do believe you become more attracted to someone you are with over time, but only to a point, and only when you already have attraction for them. I think in your case, just be honest with your friend that you're not attracted romantically. It sucks to have that conversation. It just does. But honestly in the long run, it's best for both of you to be up front. I'd also spend some time figuring out if rekindling something with the ex is possible--or even a good idea. If not, spend some time working yourself out of your feelings for him.

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For goodness sake!

Don't invite a guy to stay with you if you have never even met him.

 

Have you ever had a relationship that was in person and not just online?

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